The movie opens with
Titanic II getting ready to sail. As the ships's horn
blasts a mighty departure toot, up runs spunky young
Jack Dawson, played again by Leonardo DiCaprio. There
is seaweed on him.
Jack: Whew! I just made it!
The scene shifts to the ship's bridge.
There is a loud crunching sound. Big pieces of ice come through the window,
along with several penguins and cows.
The scene shifts to the Poop Deck, where the water is rising fast. Jack and Rose are
helping women and children into a lifeboat, when an evil villain appears with a gun.
They commence fighting.
This distraction enables Turan to gain the upper hand.
Turan is torn into raisin-sized pieces by an irate horde of young female
Leonardo DiCaprio fans.
As the two lovers start to slip beneath the icy cold computerized waves, they embrace.
There is a cracking sound.
The water slowly closes over them. In the distance, we hear two crew members on a
lifeboat, looking for survivors.
Rose: Jack! I thought you had drowned! To
death!
Jack: No! Fortunately, the bitter North
Atlantic Cold was unable to penetrate
my protective layer of hair gel! Who are you?
Rose: I'm Rose! Remember? You gave your
life for me in "Titanic I."
Jack: But Rose was played by Kate Winslet!
Rose: She didn't want to be in another movie with you, because your cheekbones
are so much higher! So the part went to me, Demi Moore!
Jack: Whatever.
Captain: Ahoy, first mate! Commence starboard computer animation! Full speed
ahead!
First mate: Sir! We're getting reports of giganitic icebergs directly ahead! Shouldn't
we go slow?
Captain: Don't be silly! What are the chances that we're going to hit another...
Captain: Damn it, Jim!
First mate: Sir! The computerized sinking animation has commenced!
Villain: Out of the way! I'm taking this lifeboat all for myself!
Jack: It's Kenneth Turan, film critic for the Los Angeles Times!
Turan: That's right, and I shall stop at nothing to get off this ship, because the
dialogue is terrible!
Jack: Is not!
Turan: Is too!
The late Burgess Meredith: You can do it, Rock! Watch out for the jab!
Jack: Hey, you're in the wrong sequel!
Meredith: Sorry.
Turan: I have gained the upper hand! Whatever that expression means! And now,
pretty boy, I'm going to..OHMIGOD! NOOO!
Jack: Whew! That was close! Uh-oh! This ship is almost done sinking!
Rose: This is it! I hope I don't end up as an old bag in this movie!
Jack:You broke my ribs!
Rose: Sorry! I have tremendous upper-body strength since starring in G.I. Jane!
Jack: Don't worry! As long as my cheekbones are OK!
First crew member:What's that sound coming from over there?
Second crew member: It sounds like...Oh my God! It's Celine Dion!
First crew member: Let's get out of here!
This "sequel" was not written by me. I received it in an e-mail, and I do not take any credit for it whatsoever.