The material was extracted from The Bible, and is copyright 1999 Mr. Long. No material from this page may be used in any devious way without the creator's consent. However, feel free to print out, copy and distribute this material freely. Thank you.
Now, there were a lot of crazy people hanging around St. Louis around this time. One of these jokers, Ed, was always hanging out in the graveyards, digging up dead bodies. Now, I had taken a job as night watchman at the graveyard, so old Ed and I made friends quickly. He told me he was visiting from Wisconsin, so I invited him over to dinner at my house the next night. That turkey was real crazy. He came over to my house wearing a woman's dress and a mask made from the face of a what? Corpse! Man, I told that joker to come on in!
Now, after I killed my parents, I helped myself to their remains. I was a very resourceful boy, and after I had completely stripped their bones of meat, I set to work redecorating my house. I made soup bowls out of their skulls, and chairs out of their bones! I used their skins as window curtains, and splashed the walls with their what? Blood. I could tell by the look on old Ed's face that he was very impressed. I told him to take a seat, and then I rushed into the other room to change into some more appropriate clothing. I took my mother's finest dress from her closet, and my father's face from his closet. I joined Ed in the other room, and we laughed and laughed. I told him all about how I had killed and eaten my parents that Thanksgiving Day. He told me that he had never killed anybody, and was relatively new to the grave robbing what? Profession. I told that turkey to stick with it, and that with luck, he could be killing jokers left and right by the end of the year.
Now, I think that this was just the encouragement that Ed needed. We started going grave robbing together every few days. We had a lot of fun, but all good things must come to an end. A few months later, he told me that he was returning to Wisconsin. I wished him luck, and we parted company. He told me to visit him anytime I was in the what? Area.
Now, a couple years later, I made it up to Wisconsin to see old Ed. Man, that turkey stole my idea! Now, when I arrived, he wasn't home, so I climbed in through the window. I was shocked to see that he had decorated his house just like mine. When Ed got home, I gave that joker a good talking to. He apologized for stealing my ideas, and I told him "I forgive you, Ed." I stayed at his house for dinner, man, that joker knows how to cook. We had a great time that day. Then, later that evening, from a nearby hotel, I called the police on that jive turkey and had him arrested. A few years later, I heard that old Ed got sentenced to death. I laughed and laughed.
Now, around this time, I decided I should do some traveling. I had lived in St. Louis all my life, and I had never seen any of the wonders of the world, wonders such as Kansas City, Missouri, and Kansas CIty, Kansas. I had just graduated from high school, and my future was wide what? Open. The following day, I packed my bags and I was off to see the world.
Now, I had really wanted to see Kansas City, Missouri and Kansas City, Kansas. Unfortunately though, when I went outside, I found that my van had been what? Stolen, so I decided I'd go to the hamburger joint down the street instead. They made good hamburgers down there. As I sat there though, shoving one hamburger after another into my what? Mouth, I couldn't stop thinking about my van. Who had stolen it? Why had they stolen it? Why wouldn't they give it back? These questions lingered in my mind for the next few days, when I eventually decided to do something about it. Boy, I threw that hamburger down onto the ground, ran home as fast as I could, and set to work on my costume. I was to become a superhero. Dedidcated to killing criminals and rescuing my van, I was to become Lard what? Lad!
Now, I stayed up all night, dying all my spandex clothing maroon. Early the next morning, I headed down to the neighborhood Irish pub in hope of finding a sidekick. I saw all my old friends there, Pattie O'Sullivan, Stinky McGurk, Timmy O'Toole. But I saw a new face there that day, a little man dressed all in green, sitting in the corner drinking boilermakers like there was no tomorrow. "Ay, ye fat bastard," he said, standing up on his barstool, "are ye looking for a sidekick to fight crime and find your van are ye? Are ye? Eh? Ye fat bastard>" He was exactly what I had been looking for in a sidekick. "Ay, my name's Lucky, ye fat bastard. Lucky the Leprechaun."
Now, I could see right away that this was the perfect match. I knew we were destined for loads of fun and adventure as a crime-fighting duo. "My name is Mr. Long. As a superhero, I call myself Lard Lad."
Now, Lucky was never too nice to me. He right away shot back, with "Ay, would ye like me to give ye a prize, ye fat bastard?"
"Now, you see here, Lucky. My van was stolen, just when I was about to go off and explore the world. I would have seen many wonders such as Kansas City, Missouri, and Kansas City, what? Kansas. I now may have no chance of ever seeing these wonders of the world, so I am instead dedicating my life to fighting crime. I need a partner, and I think you, as the spunky half-pint who can drink like a sailor and fight like a marmot, would be the perfect sidekick for me. Will you help me fight crime, Lucky?"
Now, Lucky was a tricky one. He was always reluctant to commit. "Ay, ye fat bastard. Maybe I'll fight crime with ye. I must first talk it over with me wife. I don't know if she'll like the idea of it." I told him I'd come back this time tomorrow. I could count on Lucky not getting home to his wife for some time to come. Why, it was only 5 AM. Most Irishmen drank right up until three in the afternoon. Then it was off to bed for a couple hours, until 5 PM, when the drinking day started anew. I looked in the phonebook to find Lucky's address. I rushed over to his house; I knew that his wife would still be asleep at this hour. I climbed in through the window, very careful not to tip myself off. I crept into Lucky's wife's room very quietly, pulled out my revolver, and shot her in the face. Now I was sure that Lucky would be my partner, he now had something to fight crime for.
Now, I remember the days when I had no motivation to fight crime. I owned a van in those days. It was a good van. Its color, much like that of any red-blooded American's heart, was a healthy maroon. It was the first automobile to carry the weight I had to tow. But the days of my vane were what? Gone. I was now left alone, without a van, much like that jive turkey Lucky was now without a what? Wife.
Now, early the next morning I headed back down to the pub where I had met Lucky the day before, only to find a stunted Irishman in tears before me. "Ay, ye fat bastard," Lucky said, "me wife, she's dead! I came home yesterday afternoon only to find the dead body of me dear wife in me bed! Some bastard shot her in the face!" I tried to console Lucky. "Ay, ye said, "I will help ye in your crusade against crime. I must avenge the death of me wife." My plan had what? Worked. I was so happy that I bought a round of boilermakers for everyone in the bar. "Hooray!" we all cried.
Now, Lucky was unemployed. The only money their family brought in came from his wife, a local schoolmarm, now deceased. Lucky spent his lonely
days in the pub for the next few weeks, until he ran out of money. He was now penniless and sober. I felt sorry for that joker, so I let him live in my
parents’ room. After all, he was my sidekick.
Now, the next few weeks living with Lucky were tough. He was always drinking my whiskey, eating my bacon, and stinking like an Irishman. That joker
never even showered. I had to get away from that turkey, so I spent most of my time in my garage. Now that my van had been stolen, I no longer had any
use for it as an automobile receptacle, so I was to transform it into my secret what? Headquarters. The next day I headed downtown to purchase a red
telephone and a pole. I had decided that the red telephone and the pole were essential what? Items in a secret headquarters. Even though my garage was not
below my house, many crimefighters have to make sacrifices; we would have to climb onto the garage’s roof whenever trouble called, just to slide down the
pole into our secret headquarters. Lucky and I debated the secrecy of this headquarters, as any criminals in the area would see us sliding down the pole into
our garage. I told that jive turkey to shut up and get me some what? Cereal. The red telephone, of course, would be known as the LongPhone, which the
Commissioner would call whenever crime broke out. To inform the Commissioner of our deal, I called him on my brand new red telephone. I told him of
my plan to fight crime, and I asked him to telephone me whenever crime broke out. "Ayy, Mr. Long, why don’t we leave the policin’ to the police eh, ye fat
bastard." The commissioner and I never got along too well, but that couldn’t get in the what? Way of my mission, to fight crime and find my van. Without
the commissioner on my side, the red telephone wouldn’t do me too much good as a crime fighter. So, I decided that if I couldn’t be a crime fighter, I’d do
the next best thing: Make prank calls!
Now, when I decided to give up as a crime fighter, Lucky was still in the kitchen drinking whiskey. I decided that, as my sidekick, he had a right to be the
second to know about my decision. I went into the kitchen, and, with a solemn look in my eye, told him, "Lucky, I’m afraid our dreams of fighting crime
have been shot down in flames. I have realized that it will be very difficult for us as crime fighters, so I have decided to give it up. But…" At this point,
Lucky had already burst into tears. "Ayy, but what about me wife, I must avenge her death, and you must find your van! We can’t give up now! Me poor
wife, she’s dead, and we’ll never have her back!"
"Now, you shut up, Lucky, I was the one to kill your wife so you would help me fight crime. Just hear me out. I have good news too. We’re not going to fight
crime, but we are going to make prank calls!" At this, Lucky’s eyes lit up. "Ayy, prank calls?" "Yes Lucky, prank calls are our new calling in life. Will you
Now, it seemed as though I had just made Lucky’s day. "Ayy, ye fat bastard, of course I’ll join ye! Prank calls, why that’s the reason I came over here
from Ireland! You know, they’re illegal over there!" I told him, "Well, you don’t have to worry about that here, Lucky, prank calls are perfectly legal in
Now, as I had told you before, these were crazy times in St. Louis, and apparently I wasn’t familiar with all the laws. Lucky and I went hog wild for the
next few weeks, prank calling hundreds of citizens a week, until one day, we heard someone knocking on the door. At this current time I was in a seated
what? Position, so I told Lucky to go get the door. Lucky headed over to the front door and found two policemen at the front door. "Ayy, good marrnin’
officers, what seems to be the trouble?"
Now, unfortunately for Lucky, he was beaten severely by the what? police. We were taken downtown to the police station, where we would get one phone
call each. Now, Lucky and I were hatching up trouble once again. "Ayy, one phone call te anyone, officer?" The officer told him that if he made another
prank call with his one phonecall, he would be in for another severe beating. "Ayy, ay. ‘Twas never me intention, good officer. I was merely askin’ fer me
good friend over here, Mr. Long."
"Now, you shut up Lucky, nobody asked you! Now go get me some what? Cereal!" Lucky always carried around a box of Lucky Charms cereal. That
crazy bastard claimed that the leprechaun on the what? Box was based on him. Of course, I told that joker that there were probably dozens of leprechauns
named Lucky out there, but he never gave up. I didn’t care though, those Lucky Charms tasted great with a little what? Whiskey and lard.
Now, the following week, the trial of old Lucky and I began. We were unable to find anybody who would post bail for us, after all, I had killed my parents
as a young boy, and Lucky’s wife was shot in the face by me a few months earlier. We were unable to afford a decent lawyer, and we were looking at a
huge prison sentence. Luckily though, I was offered immunity if I would what? Rat out Lucky. I testified to every crime I had ever known Lucky to
commit, including such crimes as the shooting of his wife in the face and the murder and consumption of my parents. It was brought to the attention of the
judge that I had already served my time for the murder and consumption of my parents, and that that case was already closed. I pointed out that I was
wrongfully accused of that crime, and that Lucky said he would kill me if I didn’t confess to the crime myself. Lucky was sentenced to 2 consecutive life
sentences, while I was let off with a small fine and a warning. When Lucky was brought up to testify, that joker had a different what? Story, but everyone
knows what? Never to trust the what? Irish.
Proceed to Chapter 3. Send all comments here. Thank you.