Prison Slips
Prison Slips
Years ago we held a retirement party in the lobby for Some Old Head, and everyone brought in a dish to pass. For some reason, there were several Crayfish left over from the relish tray, so he pocketed one and returned to the floor to finish his shift. Normal shakedown procedure requires the inmate to stand out on the rock while the C/O searches his cell. Now one of these kids, you could really tell he was from the city, out he goes for the aforementioned procedure. Can you imagine the horror on his face when he's told, "If you find any more of these, let us know quick!" We thought it was going to take the squad to get him back into his room after seeing that crab!
"How did that window get broken?"
"By a broom stick."
"Oh, what happened?"
"Well my partner was making a round...and she couldn't stop in time!"
"You know what I like about her?"
"Hmmm?"
"Well, I'm a sailor, and she speaks the lingo."
"Oh, she sails?"
"No, but she talks like a sailor!"
Her hand, broken in the line of duty, had healed and the cast was finally removed. Five weeks of itching were being satisfied by a good scratch. "When you get home, you can use a scratcher to do that," was the doctor's advise.
"Leave me alone Doc, right now this is better than sex!"
For the last week or so, the unmistakable smell of skunk has lingered in the protection yard. This morning, the C/O peered out into the snowy cages and spied the critter, cowering in a corner, perhaps sick or injured. Segregation Yard was cancelled, Shift Command had been briefed and the county's Animal Control Officer summoned. An hour later the rodent hadn't moved and the stage was set for a most precarious extraction. Slowly, and tentatively the Specialist approached, tiptoeing toward the beast. Ever so cautiously he bent down and with every eye on him, gingerly picked it up..........a dark pair of gloves!
The other day I assembled the equipment to clean the showers, broke out the two porters, and instructed them to GI the showers. Porter One asked, "Did you get the hose out?"..."Yep" said I, "both of em!"
Recently, Officer Tall was watching chow lines, and shook down a prisoner, confiscating a contraband sandwich from his jacket pocket. The thing was loaded with grease, and as the guy walked away, Tall stood looking at his greasy hands. "Hey wait!" he exclaimed, calling the fellow back. "Let me finish the shakedown", and proceeded to wipe the grease from his hands on that same state blue coat.
A while back, I was helping run showers in segregation. Passing out disposable razors, I by-passed prisoner Scruffy stating, "From the looks of that beard, I won't even ask if you want a razor!"..."No," says he, "only a large-caliber handgun and a hostage!"
Today, during a round, I was stopped by a kid who asked me if I thought a multi-national company could bring pressure to bear on the Department, and cause it to change it's policies. I patiently lisstened as he explained his issues. It seems he'd had a package rejected, and proceded to quote the applicable policies and procedures that the prison was violating by not allowing him to receive his magazine. After listening, I asked him what his number was.
"303???, why?" he queried.
"Wow, you spout them policies just like an old timer." says I.
"Well, I'm only 20, but I got an IQ of 168!" he proudly stated.
I responded, "Then you're asking the wrong fellow, 'cause I'm a hundred sixty-eight, and I only have an IQ of 20!"
Good advice:
The prison barber once told me, "When we make a mistake here, we don't say 'oops'."..."Well, what do you say?"...
"Ahhhhhhhhhh....THERE!!!"
Worst excuses: Watching the line return from the weight pit I checked a lad for wearing his pants too low (the current style). Says I, "Pull your pants up!"...He answered me by by shaking his hands and saying, "I just got my workout on, and my arms are too tired"
Ahh, prison food:
"How was it?" I asked Inmate Honest as he came back from the breakfast chow line. "Normal eggs," he began, "make your mouth water..." then concluded, "these eggs, make your eyes water!"
"Was that fish or fowl?" One asked the Other on the way out of the chow hall. The answer? "Both!"
"You look like you're asleep on your feet!"..."That's only cause they took away my chair!"
I heard that:
"I got a porters detail, but I'm in no hurry to start."..."Then I'll be sure to find you something to do quick."..."Y'all must know my father, cause you're sure acting like him!"
While he was being admonished for getting caught with his feet on the desk by the Deputy, I overheard this tidbit:
Sarge: "Do you put your feet on the furniture at home?"...C/O Quick: "No, but I dont keep convicts in my dayroom either!"
Keeping it as clean as possible...
Though many have, and play with "paper dolls", and occasionally you'll catch them "goin' out" with "Miss Michigan", this one particular fellow bragged that "You oughtta see my wife in the world, she's a real doll!" Come to find out, he had to blow her up to take her out!
As they met in the stairwell he said to she, "We're going to have to stop meeting like this, people are beginning to talk." "Oh, who?" she querried. He answered with a proud smile, "Everybody I tell!"
"Do you know anything about realestate?"..."Why?"...(Grabbing groin) "Does this look like a lot to you?"
"Hey, you know what I like about you?"..."What?"..."Not a damn thing!"
My favorite answers:
"If you're feeing froggy...jump!"
"Can I...(do this or that)?"..."No, but thanks for asking!" (Works on most questions)
"What time is it?"..."Ten to."..."Ten to what?"..."Tend to..(whatever they're supposed to be tending to)."
"What if I...(did something)"..."If you're feelin' froggy...Jump!"
"What if I...(did something else)?"..."Only two things in your way, fear and atmosphere!"
What did he say?:
Officer Schmuckatella: "Do geriatric prisoners use more toilet paper?"
Deputy Dawg: "Depends..."
"Hey Chief, what's your tribe?"
"Unrappahoes!"
"He's secluded, he's got shingles."
"Put him on the roofing crew!"
"I think he's unhappy with the service here."
"There goes our tip!"
"I don't get a tip, I get the whole shaft."
Favorite one liners...
"Everyone in the whole wide world is a hoe, except me!"
"Did you ever hear about the Plastic Surgeon that hung himself?"
"I spent half my life talking to these head shrinkers, I bought another hat, now I find out it doesn't fit!"
"The deepest relationship you were ever in, required batteries."
"You can't carve a Trout out of Basswood, it would have an identity crisis!"
"He's so stupid, he thinks a trans-sexual is a new Pontiac with a big back seat!"
"That's not a nightgown, that's a tent with the door open!"
Nurse Innocence: "Are you guys coming on or going off?"
"Kinda like deja vu and amnesia at the same time!"
"A face only a mirror could love!"
"Old is a number, and mine is unlisted!"
........this work is in progress........
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