*N Sync in Clue: Chapter 1-The Missing Boddy

Joey/Plum: Damn. Well, I have enough undies to go around anyway. (opens package) A gun! Oh my gosh! Lance, I think this can be great in your gun collection!

Lance/Green: Oh, no, Joey. I don’t really collect guns. I only say that to sound manly.

Danielle/Peacock: (ignores Lancth and opens gift) A dagger?? Great.

Chris/Boddy: In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon.

Justin/Mustard: Yeah! I saw dat movie, too. It be tight, yo.

Lance/Green: Yeah, but I prefer Runaway Bride.

Chris/Boddy: Anyway, if you denounce me to the Police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I’ll see to that in court.

Joey/Plum: Oh I can be exposed alright, but never humiliated, baby. But why wait till court? I don’t have any plans right now. (looks at Christina) *like Fat Bastard* Get in mah belly. (Christina gives Joey a look, then walks away)

Chris/Boddy: But…if one of you kills Wadsworth now…(Wadsworth looks surprised) no one but the seven of us will ever know.

Justin/Mustard: (gets ready to aim his weapon at JC)

Chris/Boddy: He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer. (goes over to light switch next to door. He closes the door and sets his drink down) The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill Wadsworth…now.

(BODDY TURNS OFF THE LIGHTS AND EVERYTHING GOES BLACK (except for Justin…heh). WE HEAR NOISES. SOMEONE INHALES RASPILY. A GUN SHOT. SOMETHING CERAMIC SHATTERS. A SCREAM (probably dear ol’ Lancth). THEN, THE LIGHTS GO UP)

Danielle/Peacock: (was the one who turned on the lights. Drops her dagger in shock. Mr. Boddy was lying dead on the floor facing the ground)

Justin/Mustard: Hey, it’s not Wadsworth! (everyone murmurs to one another)

Nikki/Scarlet: WHO KILLED HIM??

Joey/Plum: Wait, give him some air.

Justin/Mustard: I ain’t doin’ it.

Joey/Plum: (kneels next to Boddy and checks for signs if he’s still alive) He’s dead!

Christina/White: Who got the gun? Whoever got the gun killed Boddy!

Justin/Mustard: Ay, dun look at me, yo. Ah got the fricken wrench.

Danielle/Peacock: Hey! Didn’t Plum get the gun?

Lance/Green: (screams like a girl) AHHH! Then you killed Mr. Boddy! (grabs Nikki’s purse and starts hitting Plum with it) MURDERER!

Joey/Plum: But I didn’t! I swear on my hoes! Someone got the gun from me during the dark!

Christina/White: Yeah, right. You’ll tell any lie to save your butt!

Joey/Plum: But it’s true! I put the gun down ‘cause I wanted to get my condom out of my pocket to do a lil’ sumphin’ sumphin’ wit Miss Scarlet. Then when I tried to grab my weapon again, it was gone!

Danielle/Peacock: So it was you who was touching my legs!

Joey/Plum: Uhh…I thought I put my gun down where your legs were. Hey, wait a minute! It was your legs I touched??? (shivers) No wonder it was all hairy. (everyone looks at Peacock in disgust)

Justin/Mustard: Back to the subject about Boddy….WHO KILLED HIM?

Joey/Plum: I’m telling you, it’s not me! Look! The bullet broke that vase on the mantel! (everyone rushes to the fireplace mantel simultaneously, causing confusion)

Nikki/Scarlet: And there’s a bullet hole in the wall, too!

Lance/Green: (grabs Joey by the collar) HOW DID HE DIE?

Joey/Plum: I don’t know! (shoves him away)

Christina/White: (frustrated) Well, one of us must’ve done it! The Police are coming any minute! Ugh! My life is ruined! If I find the person who mailed me this invitation to go to this dreaded place, I am going to…

JC/Wadsworth: (threatens) Going to what? (everyone looks at White)

Christina/White: Eh-heh (twirls her hair)

Danielle/Peacock: (frustrated) Ugh! I need a drink! (goes next to door and grabs Boddy’s cognac and drinks)

Joey/Plum: (surprised and points to Peacock) Maybe he was poisoned!

Danielle/Peacock: (drops drink in horror and starts to scream in agony nonstop)

Justin/Mustard: (covering ears) Someone fricken make her stop!

Lance/Green: (says comforting words as Peacock still screams) Danielle, it’s okay…(Peacock still screaming and Green slaps her face)

(everyone looks at Green in surprise)

Lance/Green: Umm…I had to stop her screaming...

Joey/Plum: Was the brandy poisoned??

Nikki/Scarlet: (picks up glass. All the cognac already spilled out) I guess we’ll never know.

Justin/Mustard: …unless, unless if she dies too. (everyone looks at Peacock, who put her hands on her face in agony)

(THERE WAS A SCREAM COMING FROM ANOTHER ROOM. THE GUESTS GASP. THEY RUN TO THE HALL (Joey trips on a condom on the floor), THEN TO THE DOOR OF THE BILLIARD ROOM.)

Lance/Green: (tries to open door) It’s locked!

Nikki/Scarlet: There’s a girl in there!

Christina/White: Is Plum still here?

Justin/Mustard: Ay, it must be tha murderer!

Joey/Plum: But why would the murderer scream?

Christina/White: There has to be a victim in there! Oh my God, Yvette!

Lance/Green: Oh my God! (the door opens. The guests pour in)

Everyone: (looks at Yvette) You’re alive!

Bobbi/Yvette: (in tears; still in French accent) No sanks to you!

JC/Wadsworth: What do you mean?

Bobbi/Yvette: You lock me up with a murderer, you eediot!

Christina/White: So the murderer’s in this room?

Bobbi/Yvette: Mai Oui!

Lance/Green: Huh? (scared and goes near Plum) Where?

Bobbi/Yvette: (makes a face at Green) Where? ‘Ere! (Green looks behind the door) We are looking at eem. Or ‘er! Is what Mrs. White said in ze Study- one of you is ze killer!

Joey/Plum: But…how’d you know we said that? (Lance gets away from Plum)

Bobbi/Yvette: I was lisuning!

Justin/Mustard: (whispers to Green) Ay, what tha hell is dis chick tryin tah say, yo? An you say no one understands me. You be trippin’ foo.

Lance/Green: (turns to Justin) Huh? Did you say something?

Christina/White: (confused; to Yvette) But why we’re you screaming in here…all by yourself?

Bobbi/Yvette: Because I am frightened. Me too, I also drink ze cognac. (sobbing) Mon diou. I can’t stay here all by myself. (Scarlet and Plum goes next to Yvette)

Nikki/Scarlet: Why don’t you come to the Study with us?

Bobbi/Yvette: (still crying, worried) With ze murderer?

Joey/Plum: There’s safety in numbers, my dear, and don’t worry. Super Joey will protect you!

(THE GUESTS LEAVE THE BILLIARD ROOM. WADSWORTH STOPS THE RECORDER AND TAKES THE TAPE OFF THE SPOOLS)

BACK IN THE STUDY:

JC/Wadsworth: (worried) This is terrible! Absolutely terrible! It’s not what I’d intended!

Christina/White: Not what YOU intended? You mean you planned to blackmail us?

Justin/Mustard: Or murder us?

Joey/Plum: Or strip us?

JC/Wadsworth: No! ‘Course not! Well, maybe only…*cough* anyway, I’m not trying to blackmail any of you.

Nikki/Scarlet: So you mean…are you trying to say…are you trying to say that you’re not the butler?

JC/Wadsworth: I’m not THE butler, but I’m A butler. In fact, I was his butler.

Joey/Plum: I don’t get it.

Justin/Mustard: Hold up. I got one question, aiight? Ok. If he (points to Boddy’s body) was tha brotha who invited alla us, why’d he arrive late?

JC/Wadsworth: It’s because I was the one that invited you all. In fact, I wrote the letters. It was all my idea. *sobs* (everyone gasps)

Christina/White: So you’re the one who’s blackmailing us?

JC/Wadsworth: (angry) No! Okay, might as well explain it all. Everyone, take a seat. (everyone finds a seat except for Justin and Lance. Lance sits on a coffee table with a flower pot in the back, while Justin sits on Nikki’s lap)

JC/Wadsworth: Mustard, get ‘cho white ass in that chair (points to rotten chair in a dark corner. Justin sniffles and sits in rotten chair. He moves it next to White) Okay, when I said that I was his butler, it was both true and misleading. I was once his butler, but he died today and so my employment with him came to an end.

Christina/White: When did it come to an end?

JC/Wadsworth: (sniffs) When my puppy decided to end his life. He too was being blackmailed by this odious man who lies dead before us. He hated my dog for the same reason he hated all of you. He believed that you were all thoroughly…un-American. (The coffee table Lancth sat on brakes and Lance’s ass falls with some glass crystals on the ground.)

Lance/Green: Sorry.

JC/Wadsworth: For some reason, he felt that it was inappropriate for an actress to have hairy armpits, for a doctor to get down with his lady patients, for a man to talk ghetto when he’s white and…and…so forth.

Justin/Mustard: But that be whacked, yo!

Lance/Green: Yeah, if he was such a patriotic American, why didn’t he just report us to the authorities?

JC/Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money off of it. What could be more American than that? Anyway (sniffs) my dog use to have an owner before I bought him and his friends were…Socialists. (everyone gasps, especially Peacock. JC holds back his tears) Well…we all make mistakes.

Christina/White: (sad; she pulls out a tissue from her bra and gives it to Wadsworth)

JC/Wadsworth: (takes tissue and blows his nose) Boddy blackmailed my dog (sniff) and dared to put him in a pound unless I named them. Me and my dog refused, so he blackmailed us. We had no money, and the price for his silence was that we work for him for nothing. We were slaves—to make a long story short…

Justin/Mustard: Too late.

JC/Wadsworth: The suicide of my dog preyed on my mind, and created a sense of injustice in me. I resolved to put Mr. Boddy behind bars. It seemed to be the best way to do it, and to free all of you from the same burden of blackmail was to get everyone face to face, confront Mr. Boddy with his crimes, and then…turn him over to the police. (sniff)

(Everone suddenly moved, they stand up silently and claps for Wadsworth)

JC/Wadsworth: (still holding back tears) Thank you.

Joey/Plum: So…I guess everything’s explained.

Nikki/Scarlet: What are you talking about? Nothing’s explained! We still don’t know who killed Mr. Boddy!

JC/Wadsworth: Well, we only have like…(grabs Green’s Spice Girls watch from his wrist and checks time) 35 minutes to find the murderer.

Joey/Plum: Why only 35 minutes? That’s not enough time.

JC/Wadsworth: That’s when the police are coming, you dork. And you’re right. We don’t have enough time.

Justin/Mustard: Okay, let’s put our heads together. (Plum puts his head on Mustards) Get away from me, foo! You is messin up mah ‘fro! (pushes Plum away and tries to fix his hair with his hands) Okay, so which one of you did it?

Christina/White: What do you mean which one of you did it?

Lance/Green: Well I didn’t do it!

JC/Wadsworth: One of us had to! We all had the opportunity and motive.

Joey/Plum: But…what if none of us killed Boddy?

Justin/Mustard: Wha chu talkin’ ‘bout ‘foo? Dey be only 7 of us in dis hea freaky mantion. Oh, and Boddy’s body, too. Which is not as hot as mine.

JC/Wadsworth: Come to think of it, we’re not the only one’s here.

Nikki/Scarlet: (gasp) What do you mean? That there’s…someone else??

JC and Boobi: Yeah.

Everyone: Who??

JC and Boobi: (thinks) The (ze) Cook!

Everyone: The Cook!!

(EVERYONE RUNS FROM THE STUDY TO THE KITCHEN. EVERYONE GETS STUCK IN THE DOORWAY, EXCEPT GREEN)

Lance/Green: There’s no one here. (The door to the freezer starts to open. Scarlet screams. Chef Pearlman’s body falls in Lancth’s arms) EWWW! GROSS! (drops Pearlman) I didn’t do it.

Christina/White: Oh my gawd! There’s a knife stuck in her back! Someone take it out! (covers her eyes)

Joey/Plum: But couldn’t that be evidence?

Justin/Mustard: Dear ol’ Joeh’s a smart pimp, yo.

Lance/Green: But who would want to kill the cook?

Nikki/Scarlet: Dinner wasn’t that bad. (everyone looks at Scarlet) What??

JC/Wadsworth: Who had the dagger? (everyone looks at Peacock) It was you, wasn’t it?

Danielle/Peacock: Yes, but I put it down, honest!

JC/Wadsworth: Uh huh. You’re lying through you’re teeth.

Joey/Plum: Where’d you put it down?

Danielle/Peacock: Um, in the Study.

Joey/Plum: *like Detective Dan* Hmm…I shee. When?

Danielle/Peacock: I dunno. (everyone looks at Peacock; starts to panic) Before I fainted, after I fainted…I don’t know! But any of you could’ve picked it up.

JC/Wadsworth: Hmm…I suggest we take the cook’s fat body to the Study.

Justin/Mustard: Why?

JC/Wadsworth: I’m the butler. I like to keep the kitchen tidy.

BACK IN THE STUDY:

(Everyone carries Chef Pearlman’s body to Study. As they walk though the door, they notice Boddy’s body is gone. They drop Pearlman.)

Joey/Plum: He’s alive!

Lance/Green: The murderer took him!

Danielle/Peacock: We’re gonna die!

Christina/White: (can’t see anything since she’s at the back) What are all of you staring at?

Justin/Mustard: Nobody.

JC/Wadsworth: Nobody. No Boddy, that’s what we mean. Mr. Boddy’s body is gone!

To Be Continued…

Take me back!