*N Sync in Clue: Chapter 1-The Missing Boddy

IN THE STUDY:

Justin/Mustard: What took you? My ass is now fricken stuck onto my chair.

JC/Wadsworth: Sorry for the delay. Anyway, as I said before, I have been instructed to explain what all of you have in common.

Christina/White: Done that. Our jobs are all related to the Entertainment business.

Lance/Green: Yeah, so there. We’ve been exposed. Now teenies will come over to our house and bother us. Can we go home now? I must get my manicure. I think my fingernails will look definitely divine in navy blue nail polish, what do you think?

Nikki/Scarlet: Oh, navy blue is definitely not your color, hun. I suggest hot pink and maybe a splash of orange will do. It goes with the color of your hair and your lipstick.

JC/Wadsworth: AHHHH! (goes mad and gets a bag of crack out of his pants and sniffs it real hard)

Danielle/Peacock: Uh, excuse me Wadsworth but you still didn’t explain to us the reason we are here.

JC/Wadsworth: Do you wanna know? Do you really wanna know? FINE! You are all getting blackmailed! Mwahahaha!

Everyone: WHAT?

Justin/Mustard: But I is just too hot to get blackmailed, yo.

JC/Wadsworth: (gives a bad, silly look at everyone, then turns back to normal) Anyone else wish to deny your fate? (everyone is silent) Very well. I am instructed to explain to you and make it clear that someone here is trying to expose you.

Joey/Plum: (excited) Is it a woman?! You know, if it is, we can go to the Billiard Room and you can expose me all night long.

JC/Wadsworth: *cough* Anyways, you all have one thing in common. You’re all being blackmailed. For a considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford or maybe more than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you. And none of you know who is blackmailing you, do you? (everyone is silent) Very well. Since everyone here’s on the same boat, there’s no harm in me revealing some details and my instructions are to do so. Thank you, Yvette. (Yvette leaves)

Christina/White: (nervous) Don’t you think you can spare us this humiliation? *sniff* Please?

JC/Wadsworth: I’m sorry, really I am. Even I don’t really want to know what you guys do, but I’ll start with the scariest one of all, Professor Plum.

Justin/Mustard: Ahahaha! *cough*

Joey/Plum: Hey! What’s so scary about muah?

JC/Wadsworth: Hmm, well maybe because after one of your band mates got old and retired and went to psychology, you stole his job for some other reason. (everyone gasped)

Danielle/Peacock: Wha’d he do?

JC/Wadsworth: You know what doctors aren’t supposed to do with their lady patients?

Nikki/Scarlet: Yeah.

JC/Wadsworth: Well, he did it. (everyone is silent, looks at Joey, and started laughing their asses off and Wadsworth goes near Peacock) You think that’s funny, Blubber lips? Well, I’ll say what’s even funnier!

Danielle/Peacock: NOO!

JC/Wadsworth: YESS!

Joey/Plum: UHHH! Yeah, baby, let’s get it on! (notices people staring) Uhh, sorry. I was just thinking about one of my hoes.

Danielle/Peacock: (turns back to Wadsworth) Damn you, Wadsworth. I swear, if you tell…

JC/Wadsworth: Me? Tell? Tell what? Tell that you claim to manage the Fu-Man Skeeto clothing line and that you never shaved your armpits? Oh, and also about lying to the press and the teenyboppers about not dating dear ol’ Lancth?

Lance/Green: But she…

JC/Wadsworth: Shut up, Green. If you know what’s good for you. (turns back to Peacock who was red in the face)

Danielle/Peacock: I do shave my armpits! I really do! Ugh, you’re just trying to embarrass me!

JC/Wadsworth: Ohh, so now you want proof of your hairy, smelly, disgustingly manly armpits, huh? Okay, fine! Peep dis y’all: (JC turns on tv and shows a clip of Boy Meets World and pauses it when Topanga’s about to hug Corey) SEE THAT? Y’all see that? (points to her hairy armpits in the tv screen) Oh, you dirty lazy lady monkey you!

Danielle/Peacock: (cries) Wadsworth, I’m gonna get you back someday! *blows snot in a tissue paper*

JC/Wadsworth: Oh, and did I mention that you can’t bust a move either? Proof: In the TGIF special when a certain “boyband” performed. HA!

Danielle/Peacock: (cries her ass off and runs to Billiard Room where Yvette was)

Nikki/Scarlet: Wow, she never shaved her armpits? (shudders) Whoever that Lance guy was, ugh, I totally feel sorry for him.

Lance/Green: *whistles ‘When The Saints Go Marching In’* Soo…does anyone want free lip-gloss?

JC/Wadsworth: (stares at Scarlet)

Nikki/Scarlet: (notices JC) Awww…JC, hun. I love it when you look at me like that. Your eyes are so…sexy.

JC/Wadsworth: SHUT UP! Uhh…who’s JC? I’m Wadsworth!

Nikki/Scarlet: But…

JC/Wadsworth: Be quiet! Or else I’ll tell!

Nikki/Scarlet: Tell what? (remembers about the blackmail) Ohh, that. No thanks; I’d rather tell it myself.

Everyone: You will?

Nikki/Scarlet: Yeah. I don’t care. Okay, I was from MMC. (everyone stares blankly at Scarlet) Uh, you know, The New Mickey Mouse Club?

JC/Wadsworth: (shakes head in pity) Scarlet, Scarlet, Scarlet. You know what?

Nikki/Scarlet: (confused) Uh, what?

JC/Wadsworth: I have more to tell.

Nikki/Scarlet: (afraid) You do?

Lance/Green: Oh, do tell. Do tell!

JC/Wadsworth: Okay…(looks at the cards from envelope and finds Scarlet’s and reads) Okay, you are in a girl group called Innosense.

Justin/Mustard: Ahaha! That girl group? They’re fricken broke and have no fans what-so-ever! Innosense is a joke! (looks at everyone) Sorry. I guess I juss got carried away.

Nikki/Scarlet: (offended) That’s not very funny.

JC/Wadsworth: (enjoys every minute of Scarlet’s embarrassment) Oh, and did I mention that since your days in the entertainment biz ain’t working out since MMC, which when you were FAT, you now secretly work at McDonald’s and wear your grandma’s clothes.

Nikki/Scarlet: So what if I work there? And my grandma’s clothes aren’t that bad! And hey! Innosense will soon work out! I just know it! Like, totally! We’re giving out free Innosense merchandise!

JC/Wadsworth: God help us all. (turns to Mustard)

Justin/Mustard: (notices JC) Wha? (JC stares harder at Justin) Ay! I ain’t that type of man, ya know whut I’m sayin’?

JC/Wadsworth: You’re next.

Justin/Mustard: Gimmie whatcha got.

JC/Wadsworth: (reads off Mustard’s card and gets angry and reads) Soo…you’re the favorite in this one so-called “boyband”, eh? Except, this ain’t just a “boyband”, thanks to my jazz-vershunz.

Justin/Mustard: So, what ‘chu tryin’ tah say, ‘foo?

JC/Wadsworth: You lied to your fans about dating Miss. Britney Spears, huh?

Justin/Mustard: (surprised) Ay, ay! Dat juss be to tha teenies, yo!

JC/Wadsworth: They’re still fans! Psycho fans, but still…Oh, and lookie this! You also illegally sold Ebonics tapes all over the world. Tisk, tisk. And you also buy too much bleach for your own good. Hmm…

Justin/Mustard: Ay! You best shut up now, or else I is gonna give you sumphin’ to remember me by!

JC/Wadsworth: (looks at the back of Mustard’s card) Hmm…that’s about it. Damn. Okay, now it’s off to Mrs. White. Mwahhaa.

Christina/White: No! Please! I beg of you! I feel so…weak. (faints)

JC/Wadsworth: Damn! She didn’t even taste her own humiliation. OH WELL! Do you want me to tell you guys anyway?

Everyone: YEAH!

JC/Wadsworth: Okay, she…

Christina/White: (immediately wakes up) STOP! Okay, I give up.

JC/Wadsworth: (gets out a whole apple pie with cool whip on top) Remember this, little Christina?

Christina/White: Oh, no! Not the pie! Not the pie! Please not the…(JC throws the pie in Christina’s face)

JC/Wadsworth: (calm and happy) Now, Christina. Where did that come from?

Christina/White: (still in same position, angry) From your hand.

JC/Wadsworth: (smiles at Christina’s face full of Cool Whip) I feel your pain. But I once too was like that...a pie thrower. But really, I’m here to help you.

Christina/White: (wipes off Cool Whip) I hated that skit.

JC/Wadsworth: Ah, so I see. MMC. Ah, those good ol’ days.

Justin/Mustard: So, where’s the embarassing part?

JC/Wadsworth: Tell him, Christina.

Christina/White: Oh, great! Now you just told them my real name!

JC/Wadsworth: Oops.

Christina/White: Okay, that’s it!

Everyone: What’s it?

Christina/White: MMC! That’s all there is.

Joey/Plum: You mean…

JC/Wadsworth: Yup! That’s all that it says in the card.

Everyone: Damn you, Christina!

Christina/White: I know! (smiles)

JC/Wadsworth: (throws another apple pie w/ cool whip at her face) Anyways, let’s get onto Mr. Green, shall we? (about to read off of Mr. Green’s card)

Lance/Green: Wadsworth, if you don’t mind, I’d rather save half my embarrassment and just tell it myself. I am an Avon salesman and I am a homosexual. I have no personal shame about that…(puts hands on hips) but I must keep it a secret or else I will loose my job as a security guard in the Avon security grounds. (everyone is silent and Wadsworth is surprisingly looking at Green’s card which only says “Avon salesman”) *cough* Thank you. (sits down next to Plum and smiles. Plum gets scared and stands up)

Joey/Plum: Hey, you know almost everything about us from the blackmailer, but you never told us anything about yourself! That’s not fair!

JC/Wadsworth: (nervous) Me? Why me? Why would anyone want to waste their time knowing what I do? I’m just a humble butler!

Justin/Mustard: Yea, he’s rite. He’s just a fricken butler. I mean, what can he do? (looks up and smiles) That’s why I’m the favorite.

JC/Wadsworth: (angry) OKAY, WHAT? That is it, Mr. Ramen Noodle-Head! Y’all wanna know about me? You all really wanna know about me?

Justin/Mustard: (sigh) Just get on with it before you get your period and make it look like we murdered someone.

Nikki/Scarlet: Murder? What about murder?

JC/Wadsworth: (looks at Scarlet) You sound a bit nervous, Scarlet. A little too nervous.

Nikki/Scarlet: It’s only because you’re breathing the same air as me. Hold me, JC!

JC/Wadsworth: AHH! (runs away from Scarlet and goes behind Peacock, who just came back from the bathroom)

Justin/Mustard: Don’t try to change the subject, Mr. I-Need-My-Crack! What’s up wit you dragging our asses to dis hea mantion? And who the hell is the blackmailer?

JC/Wadsworth: Can we go with the easy questions first?

Justin/Mustard: Okay, fine! Tell us about yo’self.

JC/Wadsworth: (lowers voice) But that isn’t a question.

Justin/Mustard: GRAAAH!

Joey/Plum: Uhh, I think you should. I think he’s about ready to bust out his Ebonics.

JC/Wadsworth: AHH! Okay…hey! Wait a minute! What about Mr. Boddy? You don’t know anything about him, either.

Christina/White: That’s right!

Nikki/Scarlet: (to Boddy) What’s your little secret?

JC/Wadsworth: His secret? (acts innocent) Haven’t you guys guessed? He’s the one whose blackmailing you. (lightning crashes and Boddy makes a satisfied smile)

Justin/Mustard: (to Boddy) You bastard! You be messin’ wit tha J-Dawg? Wha? C’mon, ‘foo! I is---

Chris/Boddy: (punches J-Dawg hard and he falls to ground un-cautious)

Christina/White: You killed him! Awww…

Chris/Boddy: He called me a bastard! (walks up to the un-cautious Justy) Bitch.

Justin/Mustard: (immediately jumps on Chris and they fight) Die!!!

(Everyone tries to separate Justin and Chris from each other)

Christina/White: You guys! Stop it! (they continue fighting; White about to cry) STOP IT, I SAY! (meant to kick Chris, but accedentally kicks J-Dawg’s nuts)

Lance/Green: Was that really necessary, Mrs. White? (looks at Justy) Uh, do you need any ice?

JC/Wadsworth: You guys! Hold it! The police are coming!

Everyone: WHAT?

JC/Wadsworth: Okay, listen. Blackmail depends on secrecy. If we all just tell the police how Boddy blackmailed us, then it’ll be all over and we can get on with our lives and Boddy will be behind bars. (everyone murmurs)

Chris/Boddy: Hold up! (evil grin) It’s not that easy. You’ll never tell the Police.

JC/Wadsworth: Oh yeah? I have evidence in my possession and this conversation is being tape recorded. Mwahaha. (Bobbi/Yvette is in the Billiard Room sitting on a pool table drinking Cognac (a drink kinda like wine) listening to their conversation on a reel to reel tape recorder that is recording.)

JC/Wadsworth: (voice only) *sounds like Jack Clueless in MMC* Who looks stupid now, eh?

Justin/Mustard: (voice only) Yea yea! U go JC, dahs mah man!

Chris/Boddy: (voice only) Damn.

BACK IN THE STUDY:

JC/Wadsworth: (smiles and checks his watch) The Police will be here in about 45 minutes.

Chris/Boddy: (about to leave Study)

JC/Wadsworth: Where the hell do you think you’re going, Boddy?

Chris/Boddy: I think I can help them make up their little minds. Just let me get my bag from the hall. (goes outside of Study and picks up a formal burgundy suitcase and returns to Study)

Danielle/Peacock: What’s in there?

Joey/Plum: Is it Superman?

Chris/Boddy: No.

Christina/White: (like in the VMA) Is it something you can eat?

Chris/Boddy: (looks at Christina as if she’s retarded) Ummm…no. (opens bag and gives out black boxes w/ a purple ribbon to everybody and then goes next to door) Open ‘em.

Joey/Plum: Is it a sex enhancer?

Chris/Boddy: (getting impatient) Just fricken open it!

Justin/Mustard: Hey, this must be sumphin dangerous, yo. Why’d he go next to the door? It must be a bomb!

Everyone: AHH! (everyone throws their presents at JC and JC falls down)

Chris/Boddy: Dumbasses! (runs to JC and gives back each present to person who had it) Now fricken open it before I get another year older. (runs towards door)

Nikki/Scarlet: Ohmigod! Did you like get me a new pair of shoes? I totally needed some and this totally looks like a shoebox! (opens it) A Candlestick?? What’s this for?

Chris/Boddy: Hey, so what if it’s a shoebox? I didn’t want to waste all my money on you.

Christina/White: You got a candlestick? Ahahaha! (opens present) A rope??? Is this all the recognition I get?

Nikki/Scarlet: Ahaha! (murmurs to Mustard) I’d rather have a candlestick than a rope!

Christina/White: (stands up & feels the feeling of Ebonics rush through her) WHAT? Girl, if you wanna say sumphin about me, why don ‘chu say it in mah face, ‘foo?

Nikki/Scarlet: Ooo, gurl. You wanna start sumphin?

Christina/White: (pushes Nikki) ‘Sup foo? (Nikki pulls on Christina’s hair and they start trying to hit each other with their fingernails, looking the other way screaming)

Justin/Mustard: (trying to dodge all the fake fingernails that were flying in the air) Awwww, Chick fight, chick fight!

Bobbi/Yvette: (runs up to Study)

JC/Wadsworth: Yo Boobi, why you here?

Bobbi/Yvette: (still in French accent) I want to zee za fight. It was gezzing prizzy boring in za Billiard room wiz only Prof. Plum and zom ozzeh pizza delivery guys to do. (Christina and Nikki fights their way next to Bobbi screaming, ”Die, Bitch!” to one another)

Nikki/Scarlet: Out of the way, Bobbi! (swings at Christina, but misses and punches out one of Bobbi’s boobs)

Bobbi/Yvette: NOOOO! (sobs) NOW JC WON’T LIKE ME ANYMORE! (runs back to Billiard room crying)

JC/Wadsworth: BOOBI!!

Joey/Plum: (eating popcorn with Boddy) Hey, JC. Now can I call your chick the One Tit Twit? Heh. (Boddy and Mustard starts laughing their asses off)

JC/Wadsworth: (angry) Hey! Shut up about my bitch! Yo Christina! Nikki! Everybody! We’re wasting time! The Police are coming remember!? (everyone freezes)

Nikki/Scarlet: Like, oh yeah! (everyone sits down and it looks like a fight never started)

Lance/Green: (excited as he opens present) Oh my! Is it a new perfume bottle? No, no…a new compact! (finally opens box) A lead pipe?? How is a lead pipe supposed to enhance my beauty?

Justin/Mustard: (rolls eyes and opens present) A wrench? Dude, I wuz hoping foe a new Ebonics tape. Wadsworth here threw away mah old one.

Joey/Plum: (takes lid off package and looks in) Just what I’ve always wanted! A new Superman underwear package! Six in all! Gee, thanks, Mr. Boddy!

Chris/Boddy: (looks in Joey’s package) Oh, um, those are for my wife and two kids and my kid’s grandchildren. Sorry. This one’s for you. (hands Joey a different package)

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