
An Evil voice: It was a dark and stormy night. Chris, aka Wadsworth the butler, drove alone in Mr.Boddy’s long black limo to the Boddy Mansion driveway. He passed the rusty gate. He went up the hill, closer into the mysterious, dark house that was ahead of him. He parks the limo in the driveway. As he gets out of the limo, he opens up his dark blue umbrella to keep the brown paper bag he was holding, dry from the rain.
Dobermans (2 scary dogs): (smells the meat inside Wadsworth’s bag and comes out of their doghouse barking)
JC/Wadsworth: Ahh! Get away from me you stupid dogs! You’re drooling all over my tuxedo!
Dobermans: (surrounds Wadsworth)
JC/Wadsworth: No! Get away! This is for Mr.Boddy’s dog, Busta, not you! Shoo!
Dobermans: (barks louder)
JC/Wadsworth: Fine, fine, fine! But don’t even think you’ll have a decent meal tomorrow! (turns bag upside down and tries to make the meats inside fall when 5 girls falls out of the bag and hits the hard floor)
Sailor Pork: Oww! My meaty ass!
Sailor Porky: *singing to Whitney Houston* It’s not right, but it’s okay, My meaty ass hurts anyway…
JC/Wadsworth: How’d you guys…uhh…Who are you? And what happened to the meats I just bought?
Sailor Chicken: Don’t ask. We’re The Sailor Meats and I have no idea why we’re in this story. And about the meat you bought…*burp* (pats stomach) I have no idea where it is.
Sailor Beef: Why are we here? Who’s tellin’ this story anyway?
Sailor Porky: (looks at Dobermans) AHHH! DOGS! GET THEM AWAY!
Dobermans: (sniffs Porky)
Sailor Porky: AHHH!!
Sailor Turkey: Let’s all get out of here before Beef sees Justin in a tuxedo. She’d like, jump on him or sumphin’.
Sailor Beef: Yeah, right. That’s probably what you would do, Turkey.
Sailor Porky: Shut up you guys, that’s what we’d all do.
Sailor Pork: Actually, no.
Sailor Porky: (looks at Pork as if she was retarded) Anyways, so since we are all Justin-friendly, let’s just friggen get out of this story before he comes and crap. (Dobermans chase Porky again) DAMMIT!
Sailor Turkey: Yeah, we’re like ruining the story.
Sailor Chicken: Yeah, but how do we get out?
Sailor Pork: Easy. (takes out a remote control contraption out of her pocket) I’ll just press this red button and Wadsworth here won’t even remember that we ever fell out of that brown paper bag that smelled like shit.
Sailor Porky: (running away from Dobermans in the background) Yo, Wadsworth! Tell these dogs to stop freakin’ chasing me! Gawd dammit, why do all the bad things happen to me?? Why can’t it be Busta??
JC/Wadsworth: Uhhh, you guys are psycho. Can you guys get out of the story now?
Sailor Pork: (angry) Fine then!! Men these days. (presses red button in the remote control and the Sailor Meats disappear and the scene goes back to when Wadsworth turns the paper bag over and the meats fall down (the ones you can eat).
Dobermans: (eats the meat savagely and drools)
JC/Wadsworth: (narrows eyes at dogs and steps on dog crap as he enters the door. He sniffs the air and looks under his shoes) Humph! Unsanitary dogs. (scrapes shoes on doormat and then walks inside)
(As Wadsworth walks inside the mysterious mansion, the maid, Yvette, is wearing a skimpy maid outfit and was dusting the Library room playing ”Jump, Jive n’ Wail” on the old recorder. She is surprised to see Wadsworth walk in and stops dancing. She sniffs the air and smells dog poop. She checks both her shoes and finds nothing, then looks at Wadsworth.)
JC/Wadsworth: Is everything ready, Boobi, I mean Bobbi?
Bobbi/Yvette: (in a French accent) Yes, miseur. And please, just call me Yvette. (smiles)
JC/Wadsworth: (yawns) Yeah whatever, Boobi. (doorbell rings) Hey, uh, can you get that?
Bobbi/Yvette: (whisphers in JC’s ear) But miseur, that’s your part! It’s not what the script…
JC/Wadsworth: (yells) I don’t care about the damn script! I tell you what to do around here, got it?! WHO’S YOUR DADDY?!
Bobbi/Yvette: (tries not to cry) Uhh, um…but miseur…
JC/Wadsworth: WHO’S YOUR DADDY?!
Bobbi/Yvette: (sobs and runs away)
JC/Wadsworth: Fine then, I’ll get the door. (walks over to the entrance, wipes dirt off his tuxedo, and slowly opens the door)
Mail man: Hey, does this envelope for the Playboy magazine subscriptions belong to you? It has no stamp and we don’t accept pennies.
JC/Wadsworth: (immediately slams the door) Gee, who invited him? (walks to the Kitchen) Chef Pearlman, will di-…
Pearlman/Cook: (held a knife and turns around and the knife is now facing JC’s chest (oh la la). Cook is frowning) Dinner will be ready in fifteen minutes.
JC/Wadsworth: (scared) Very well. Carry on. (doorbell rings and Wadsworth runs to the door, wipes dust off his tuxedo, and slowly opens the door)
Justin/Mustard: Sup? Dis be tha Boddy Mansion?
JC/Wadsworth: Pardon me? Oh, you must be Col. Mustard. Welcome to Mr.Boddy’s mansion. Mr.Boddy is expecting you. (opens the door wider for Mustard to walk in)
Justin/Mustard: Col. Mustard? Naw, I ain’t no mustard, yo. I be J-Dawg. Das rite. I…
JC/Wadsworth: (gets angry and grabs Justin’s tape player and Ebonics tape and throws it in the gardens)
Justin/Mustard: (disappointed) There goes another one.
JC/Wadsworth: From now on, we will refer to you as Col. Mustard. We are trying to protect your privacy so you won’t have any humiliation. Hopefully. (smiles)
Justin/Mustard: Dude, you is freaky. What ‘chu mean humiliation? (stomach growls) Um, I is hungry and it’s kinda raining, yah know? So can ya give a brotha sum love and lemmie eat sumphin’ before I go? Mah Mercedes-Benz can’t wait that long outside tha rain, know what I’m sayin’?
JC/Wadsworth: You can stay as long as you follow the rules.
Justin/Mustard: Who’s the brotha who be owning this crib again?
JC/Wadsworth: Mr.Boddy. And he is quite expecting you, as I said before. So come inside and drink some Brandy or some champagne. (walks away to the Library)
Justin/Mustard: (walks inside. Stops, and sniffs the air. He checks under his shoes, shrugs, then follows Wadsworth to the Library)
Bobbi/Yvette: Brandy?
Justin/Mustard: Naw, I is J-Daw…uh, I mean, Col. Mustard.
Bobbi/Yvette: (rolls her eyes) NO! I mean, do you want Brandy?
Justin/Mustard: Yea, she’s aiight, but I is goin foe that one chick Monica. Now she’s one fly honey.
Bobbi/Yvette: NO! Ugh, do you want a drink?
Justin/Mustard: Yea, yea. Dat be all good. Gimmie sum champagne.
Bobbi/Yvette: Yes, miseur. (pours out a glass of champagne to Mustard) Anything else?
Justin/Mustard: Yea, yea, I juss want one more thing. Can I have summa those? (points to Yvette’s boobs)
Bobbi/Yvette: Humph! (quickly turns around and gives some champagne to Wadsworth)
Justin/Mustard: (angry) Girl, you know you want summa dis.
Wadsworth: Hey, leave my bitch alone, Mr. Whitebread!
Justin/Mustard: What da?! U be callin’ me a white boy? I’ll challenge you into a duel!
JC/Wadsworth: (rolls eyes) Yvette, get me my gloves. (doorbell rings) Nevermind. (walks to the hall and opens the door) Ahh, I’m glad you came.
Christina/White: (elegantly walks inside) Do you know who I am?
JC/Wadsworth: (helps White take off her furry white jacket) Yes, you are known as Mrs. White.
Christina/White: (confused) Uh, I suppose you can call me that. That’s what it said in the letter. But…why?
JC/Wadsworth: Follow me, madam. (walks to Library)
Christina/White: (looks around the mansion as she follows Wadsworth)
JC/Wadsworth: (Mustard is in front of the Library door getting some brandy from Yvette as Wadsworth opens the door and hits Mustard)
Justin/Mustard: Hey, foo’! You best check yo’self!
JC/Wadsworth: (ignoring Mustard) Everyone, this is Mrs. White.
Justin/Mustard: Sup?
Christina/White: (gives Yvette bad look and Yvette returns the look)
JC/Wadsworth: I see you two know each other.
Bobbi/Yvette: Champagne?
Christina/White: Err, no thanks.
Justin/Mustard: Yea, she can share with me. (winks at Christina and makes a sexy smile)
Christina/White: Get the hell away from me.
Nikki/Scarlet: Damn! (gets out of car and checks the engine. Sees a car’s headlights coming her way. She sticks her butt out and lifts one leg up as she checks her engine again. The car stops.)
Joey/Plum: Need a lift? *wink*
Nikki/Scarlet: (husky voice) Yes, please. (hurries to Plum’s car and sits in the passenger’s seat) I’m late for a dinner date.
Joey/Plum: Me, too. Where you going?
Nikki/Scarlet: (takes out formal invitation out of purse and reads) Uh, Hill House off Route 41.
Joey/Plum: Hey that’s where I’m going, too! How ‘bout we ditch the dinner and go straight to the “fun stuff”, eh?
Nikki/Scarlet: Do you have 25 cents?
Joey/Plum: No.
Nikki/Scarlet: Then find yourself another ho! I ain’t doin’ it for nothing!
Joey/Plum: (driving) Damn. (stomach gurgles) OHHH!
Nikki/Scarlet: Hey, what’s wrong?
Joey/Plum: Need…food…now…
Nikki/Scarlet: B-b-but…there’s no food here!
Joey/Plum: (looks at Scarlet and imagines she’s a piece of meat and starts to drool)
Nikki/Scarlet: (still a piece of meat) Hey…what’s wrong? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?? AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
JC/Wadsworth: …And this is Mrs. Peacock.
Everyone: Hi, Mrs. Peacock.
Danielle/Peacock: I thought you said that there’ll be food here, Wadsworth!
JC/Wadsworth: But it’s not time for dinner yet.
Danielle/Peacock: But just look at me! I’m starving!
JC/Wadsworth: (looks at Danielle’s fat) Um, anyone want more champagne? Yvette, get me more champagne.
Bobbi/Yvette: Yes, miseur.
Danielle/Peacock: And while you’re at it, get me some food! (doorbell rings)
JC/Wadsworth: Oh, thank gawd. (runs off to hall and opens door. It’s raining outside)
Lance/Green: What took you so long?! Didn’t you know that the rain will make my facial powder and mascara go out of place??! Ugh, now I need to re-apply. (gets out pink Avon purse) By the way, are you interested in any Avon products? If you buy a Ruby Rose lipstick, you get a lip-gloss free!
JC/Wadsworth: Uhh, no thanks. I take it that you are Mr. Green.
Lance/Green: Actually, my name is…
JC/Wadsworth: SHUT UP! Did you get a letter like this? (shows formal invitation letter)
Lance/Green: Why, yes. It says Mr. Green on there, so yes, I guess that I am Mr. Green. (smiles)
JC/Wadsworth: (slams the door in Mr. Green’s face, breathes, then opens door again) Sorry, ma’am, I mean, sir. Please come in. (takes Green to Library)
Nikki/Scarlet: (looks at the mansion) Is this where it’s suppose to be? It looks so spooky. (thunder crashes)
Joey/Plum: Well, at least you have me, baby. Wanna know a secret?
Nikki/Scarlet: What?
Joey/Plum: (whispers in Scarlet’s ears) I’m Superman, and you can be my Lois Lane anytime anywhere, baby.
Nikki/Scarlet: (confused) Ohh…that’s great.
(Joey drives quickly to mansion drive way and parks. Carries Scarlet in front of the door then rings bell. As they waited, Plum makes a move and touches Scarlet’s ass)
JC/Wadsworth: (opens door and sees Plum on Scarlet) Prof. Plum? Miss Scarlet? I didn’t know you were aquainted!
Nikki/Scarlet: (smiles) We’re not. (walks inside and Plum follows)
Joey/Plum: Meow.
Bobbi/Yvette: Champagne?
Joey/Plum: (stares at Yvette’s boobs)
JC/Wadsworth: Eh-em. As you know, you are all not being called by your real names to protect your privacy and prevent humiliation.
Justin/Mustard: When’s dinner?
JC/Wadsworth: You’re supposed to ask why, dammit!
Justin/Mustard: Oh, um…why?
JC/Wadsworth: Elementary, my dear Watson. (Cook rings dinner gong)
Lance/Green: (spills Champagne on Scarlet) Sorry, I guess I’m a little accident-prone. Hey, your mascara’s running! I have anti-running mascara in my bag…
Justin/Mustard: Well?
JC/Wadsworth: I will explain in the Dining Room. (everyone runs over Wadsworth and heads for Dining Room)
Justin/Mustard: (everyone sits down on dining chairs) So, why is we hea?
Joey/Plum: Yeah, where’s the food?
JC/Wadsworth: We are still waiting for our seventh guest, Mr. Boddy.
Christina/White: But I thought he was our host!
Lance/Green: Oh, dear! But if he’s the seventh guest, who’s our host?
JC/Wadsworth: (evil laugh) heheheh. *snort*
Justin/Mustard: (notices everyone’s silent) Okay, y’alls, I know sooner or later alla you will be wondering who alla us be.
Everyone: Huh?
Danielle/Peacock: I think I got what he’s trying to say. We’ll go around the table. Tell us who all of you are.
Justin/Mustard: Uhh, yeah. It’s kinda like dat. Anyways, I is gonna go first, aiight? Aiight. I is a ghet-to thug who can sing and bust out summa my Ebonics skillz. Yea, yea. And I is from dis one supposedly called a “boyband”.
Nikki/Scarlet: I’m part of a girl group in the making.
Christina/White: Really? What’s your group called?
Nikki/Scarlet: (remembers that Innosense sucks and they’ll never get fans no matter what) Umm, don’t wanna say. It might be too devastating.
Christina/White: Well, I’m a solo singer.
Joey/Plum: I’m in a boy band and I also stole my band mate’s job as a psychiatrist.
Lance/Green: I’m also in a boy band and I work part-time as a door-to-door saleswoman, I mean, man. And I’m from Mississippi.
Danielle/Peacock: I’m an actress.
Christina/White: (murmurs) a fat actress is more like it.
Justin/Mustard: Ay, is it only me, or are we all working somewhere in the Entertainment business?
Christina/White: Wow, Mustard, you actually impressed me. You are actually smart enough to figure that one out.
Justin/Mustard: Yea, I know. That’s ‘cause I is da bombdiggity, yo. Anyways, so what do you do, Wadsworth?
JC/Wadsworth: I’m a butler.
Justin/Mustard: Yeah, so what do you do?
JC/Wadsworth: I buttle, sir. I keep the house tidy.
Nikki/Scarlet: Uh, sounds like fun. (eats soup and spits it out) What the hell is this? It tastes like crap!
Pearlman/Cook: (gives Miss Scarlet a bad look)
Justin/Mustard: If it tastes like crap, my mouth will smell like crap, and the mouth of the one and only does not smell like crap, so I ain’t eating this. (puts soup aside)
Joey/Plum: (tastes soup) Yuck! Even I won’t eat this stuff. What is it?
Danielle/Peacock: (slurps soup and eats savagely) Oh! This tastes so good! It’s one of my favorite recipes!
(Everyone throws up)
JC/Wadsworth: (doorbell rings) Ah, that must be him! (goes to hall)
Lance/Green: Ahh! Who’s him?
Justin/Mustard: Ay, it must be dat one homie, Mr. Boddy or sumphin’.
(Everyone gasps)
Nikki/Scarlet: (hears Wadsworth & Boddy talking in the hall) Shhh! (everyone is silent and eavesdrops)
JC/Wadsworth: Good evening, Mr. Boddy. Everyone is waiting in the Dining Room. (locks door w/ key)
Chris/Boddy: Hey! Are you locking me in? I’ll have the key, thankyouverymuch.
JC/Wadsworth: (puts key in his pocket) Over my dead body, sir. Need help with your bag?
Chris/Boddy: Nah, I’ll just leave it here ‘til I need it. (evil smirk)
JC/Wadsworth: It contains evidence, I presume?
Chris/Boddy: Surprises, my friend. That’s what it contains—surprises! Mwahahaa!
JC/Wadsworth: Uh, that’s…great. Now follow me. (goes in Dining Room with Boddy behind him) Everyone, this is Mr. Boddy.
Chris/Boddy: What are they doing here?
JC/Wadsworth: Uh, they were invited. (everyone is silent)
Chris/Boddy: (sits down and Yvette gives him dinner) No thanks, Yvette. I already ate.
Lance/Green: How’d you know her name?
Chris/Boddy: We two know each other. (lifts up Yvette’s skirt)
Joey/Plum: Hey that’s my job! Wadsworth, I demand you to tell us what’s going on here! I have a harem with 300 girls waiting for me in my house and I’m sure they’re starting to get impatient by now, and…
Justin/Mustard: Yeah. Um, thanks for the stuff you called dinner, but I really gots tah go home now. Mah mama’s prolly worried and stuff, so…
Lance/Green: Ugh! I have a salon appointment in 25 minutes and I haven’t had a manicure in three weeks! My cuticles are disgusting!
Danielle/Peacock: Wadsworth, I received a letter like this…
JC/Wadsworth: Damn! I was just getting to that! Sit down! (Peacock immediately sits) *Eh-em* I believe everybody here received a letter like this. (shows invitation letter) And it does not have your real name on it, yes? It says, ”It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Boddy will bring to an end a certain long standing confidential and painful financial liability. If one does not come, it will be so that they will have public humiliation and exposure.” It is signed “from a friend”.
Joey/Plum: So if we didn’t come, you’d strip us?
Justin/Mustard: Ay, wait a sec, I gots the same letter!
Nikki/Scarlet: Me, too!
Lance/Green: Hey, I think we all did.
Joey/Plum: Oh, no! Then we’re all gonna be stripped!
Chris/Boddy: I also received a letter.
Joey/Plum: AHHHH!
JC/Wadsworth: Forgive my curiosity Mr. Boddy, but did your letter say the same thing?
Chris/Boddy: No.
JC/Wadsworth: I see. (silence) Can I interest you in fruit or dessert? (everyone looks at each other and remembers the soup) Very well. I suggest we all go to the Study for coffee or some brandy and maybe our unknown host will reveal his intentions.
JC/Wadsworth: Please help yourselves to brandy and be seated.
Lance/Green: Do you have any Dr. Pepper?
JC/Wadsworth: (Wadsworth goes to a desk and takes a manila envelope that says, ”Open AFTER DINNER”. He opens it and reads) Ladies and Gentlemen. I am instructed to explain what all of you have in common with each other, unless if you would care to do the honor, Mr. Boddy?
Chris/Boddy: Me? Why me? They all know who I am.
JC/Wadsworth: I believe not. I suggest you identify yourself.
Chris/Boddy: (gets annoyed) It’s a hoax! I suggest we all leave. (runs to hall)
JC/Wadsworth: I’m sorry, Mr. Boddy, but you can’t leave this house! (runs after Boddy)
Chris/Boddy: (tries to open door) Damn! It’s locked! (goes back and heads for window, then sees Wadsworth)
JC/Wadsworth: There is no way you can get out no matter how hard you try. All the windows are barred and the doors have locks.
Chris/Boddy: This is an outrage! You can’t hold us prisoner!
(Everyone starts to get scared and argues with Wadsworth)
JC/Wadsworth: Everyone! Shut up and go to the Study and everything will be explained. (everyone goes off to Study again, while Boddy runs off to Conservatory) Damn it, Boddy! Get ‘cho ass over here!
Chris/Boddy: (heads for Conservatory and tries to break glass) Nice try, Wadsworth.
JC/Wadsworth: I don’t think you’d want to go out that way.
Chris/Boddy: Why not? It’s only glass. (about to break conservatory glass when Dobermans tries to attack Boddy from other side of glass) Damn it!
JC/Wadsworth: Nice try, Boddy. Follow me. (they go to Study)