The world according to Stephen Wright
Stephen Wright lines
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all
the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it....
I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much
deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed
limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not
going that far.'
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple
mistakes.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to
feed it.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".
So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact
cars".
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The
weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot
today."
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be
ninety.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say,
"I think I might have written that."
I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about
everything.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station.
Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he
said.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I
relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She
said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a
left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I
hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told
you to go to sleep."
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't
doing what I was doing.
On the other hand, you have different fingers
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire
neighborhood was gone.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!'
After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what
for?"
I spilled spot remover on my dog....now he's gone.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a
monkey?
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in
only ten minutes.
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes
bigger.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.
"What are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through
wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put
something on.
The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a
joke?
Is "tired old cliche" one?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a
two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to
Les.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why.
It told me it was none of my business.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had
to give it back.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and
found spirit gum.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not
for sale."
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and
returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it
out, it was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The
headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half
of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same
thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I
said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll
be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those
biker-sushi places. We never met.
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
A metaphor is like a simile.
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular
dinner price if you eat less than you can.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats
another hummingbird.
I bought a portable cable TV.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon
paper.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four
anywhere.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
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