Have you too become tired with the modern world's approach to religion. Crazed Christians run around sniveling before their All-powerful and vengeful God.
Wiccans run naked through the forests at night, worshipping their primal Goddess while getting drunk on Snapple(TM) and getting thorns lodged in uncomfortable places.
Buddists climb mountains to consult little naked wise men at the tops...never pausing to think the truly wise man is in the ski lodge down below smoking cigars and drinking cognac.
Satanists hide in dark rooms, acting as evil as possible lest one realize they are really just acne faced teens rebelling against their stodgy parents.
Have you too become truly sick of this? Do you too wish for true spiritual enlightenment?
Do you too wish for the halcyon days to return to our world.
Wish and wait no longer, for the eternally sacred Stan has come amongst us.
In the Bible Yahweh said "Let there be Light." Did you ever wonder who He was talking to?
That Being of Infinite Power spoke to One yet greater than he. He spoke to Stan.
Stan the Eternal, Stan the All-Knowing, Stan Ruler and Over-God of all Creation.
Stan has watched for millenia as his divine children Zues, Yahweh, Odin, and the Celestial Emporer
continually fought amongst themselves for worshippers, and has now decided it is time to reveal
His glory to us wretched mortals, and lead us into better days.
To effect this great and glorious end, Stan has give into my hands these Commandments to be written
in the medium of our New Age, to be written in a Web-Site.
The Eternal Laws of Stan are as follows.
1. Stan demands a tithe of cookies every year. The cookies are to be fresh and unbroken.
Milk must also be tithed to Stan should the cookies make him thirsty.
2. Stan demands that you think for yourself...being Over-God of All Creation leaves Stan
with very little time to do your thinking for you, or to provide you with instructional books
on how to live.
3. Stan demands that you show his Great Chosen Prophet respect...because Stan has no need for
worldly money and is therefore unable to pay his Great and Chosen Prophet this is His generous way of
repaying the Prophet.
4. Stan demands that someone tell Him what the Hell that little hangy thing at the back of your throat is called
because He has no idea what He was thinking when He created it.
4.5 Stan demands that no one brings a child under two years of age to a movie theater again...Stan was truly P.O.'ed when He missed the end of the Crying Game
due to an infant's crying.
5. Stan demands further that his children buy his Great Chosen Prophet something nice for the holidays...no fruitcakes or you shall
incur His Righteous Wrath.
6. Stan demands that people learn to parrallel park...Stan has a dent in his Ford Escort that His insurance refuses to pay for.
8. Stan demands that all show homage to the Great High Prophetess Cia, for though she walks in darkness drinking coffee and forsaking Mountain Dew she is still drop dead gorgeous, and firmly convinced that Stan is much better looking than even that God amongst Gods Tim Curry. (Stan is further aware that Commandment 8 was placed before Commandment 7, but does not care. Being Over God of Creation and Lord of Mortal Life allows him to occasionally be dyslexic and then claim that it is you who does not know how to count properly.)
7. Stan demands that you check this list occasionally for New Commandments as Stan being obligated to Rule
the whole of Creation has little time to list everything all at once, and shall add new Commandments as He is struck by the whim to do so.
Small Print: This is a joke people. If anyone decides to begin worshipping Stan...well, just remember to ship your tithe plus a 20$ to his Great and Chosent Prophet.
