A TASTE OF GEORGE'S MATERIAL
GEORGE AS "ICE-BOX MAN"
"...There's a bigger responsibility, and that is getting into that
refrigerator and deciding which things need to be thrown away. Most people
will not take that responsibility. Most people will just go and get what they
want, leave everything else alone, and say, 'Well, someone else wants that.
Someone else will eat that.' Meanwhile, the thing is getting smaller, and
smaller, and smaller...and is, in fact, stuck to the rack.
Well, I've gotta' go in there and decide when to throw things away.
'Chocolate pudding, does anyone want this last chocolate pudding? I have just
one chocolate pudding left, it's only pulled away from the side of the dish
about three inches all the way around...and there's a huge fault running through
the center of the pudding. Actually, it's nothing but a ball of skin at this
point. Does anyone want a ball of fault-ridden chocolate pudding skin, I'm
only going to throw it away.'
Do people do that with you? Offer you some food that, if you don't eat it,
they're only going to 'throw it away' Well, doesn't that make you feel dandy?
'Here's some something to eat, Dave, hurry up, it's spoiling....something for
you, Angela, eat quickly, that green pod is moving...here Bob, eat this before
I give it to an animal.'"
"You ever been looking through the refrigerator, and you come across an
empty plate? Boy, that starts me to wondering. DID SOMETHING EAT SOMETHING
ELSE?!?! WHOA...MAYBE THE OLIVES ATE THE TUNA...MAYBE THAT CHICKEN ISN'T
REALLY DEAD YET. Actually, I picture a little mouse with gloves and a parka
on, you know, just waiting for the lights to go out."
"Perhaps the worst thing that can happen is to reach into the refrigerator
and come out with something that you cannot identify...at all. You literally
do not know what it is! Could be meat...could be cake. Usually, at a time like
this, I'll bluff:
'Honey, is this good?'
'Well, what is it?'
'I don't know...I've never seen anything like it. It looks like...MEATCAKE!'
'Well, smell it!'
'(sniff)-ah, (sniff)-ah...it has absolutely no smell whatsoever!'
'It's good!'
THE GEORGE CARLIN BOOK CLUB
"Join the book club, as an introductory offer, we'll send you the following
books absolutely free:
-EAT, RUN, STAY FIT, AND DIE ANYWAY
-HOW TO SEEM INTELLIGENT
-THERE'S BIG MONEY IN STAYING PUT
-PIECE OF MIND BY LOSING COMPLETE CONTROL FOR 16 HOURS A DAY
-YOUR THIGHS CONTROL YOUR LIFE
-HOW TO FILLET A PANDA
-RID YOURSELF OF DOUBT, OR SHOULD YOU?
-CHANCES ARE, YOUR SISTER'S FULL OF SH*T
-HOW TO GIVE YOURSELF A COMPLETE PHYSICAL WITHOUT GETTING UNDRESSED
-64 GOOD REASONS FOR GIVING UP HOPE
-WHY JEWS POINT
-A HUNDRED DEAD PEOPLE NOBODY MISSES
-BACKPACKING FOR SHUT-INS
-MY DOG IS A REAL FRUIT
-YOUR SHOES ARE WORTH MONEY
-REORGANIZING YOUR POCKETS
-WHAT TO WEAR ON THE TOILET
-124 SIMPLE EXERCIZES FOR THE TEETH
-THE STAINS IN YOUR SHORTS CAN INDICATE YOUR FUTURE
-TIPS ON GETTING LAID
-SELF-MUTILATION AS AN ATTENTION GETTER
-600 WAYS TO GIVE PEOPLE THE SHAFT
-TREMBLE YOUR WAY TO FITNESS
-YOU GIVE ME 6 WEEKS, AND I'LL GIVE YOU SOME DISEASE
And if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free:
-POEMS FOR THE INSANE
-A TREASURY OF POORLY UNDERSTOOD IDEAS
-APARTMENT HUNTING FOR DEVIL WORSHIPPERS
-A COMPLETE LIST OF ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE STILL PENDING
And these books on food are yours:
-THE INTRAVENOUS COOKBOOK
-THE MEANING OF CORN
-FILL YOUR LIFE WITH CROUTONS
-THE FOOD COLORING DIET
-COOKING FOR THE PARALYZED
-COOKING WITH HEAT
And if you join today, we'll send the following books absolutely free:
-CONTROLLING FEAR WITHOUT GETTING FRIGHTENED
-THINGS NO ONE CAN HELP
-UNDERSTANDING PEOPLE YOU'LL NEVER MEET
-SIX WAYS TO F**K UP BEFORE BREAKFAST
-MARRIAGE FOR ONE
-I SUCK, YOU SUCK
-LET'S CHANGE THE ALPHABET
-FAMOUS BULLSH*T STORIES
-SPORT FISHING WITH POWER SAWS
-WHY HAWAII AND NORWAY ARE NOT NEAR EACH OTHER
And if you join today we'll send the following books absolutely free:
-A LIST OF PEOPLE WHO MEAN WELL
-DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR OLD SKIN
-10 THINGS WE DON'T KNOW YET
-CARING FOR THE SEATED
-THE WRONG UNDERWEAR CAN KILL
-TROTTING ACROSS ZAIRE
-WHY IT DOESN'T SNOW ANYMORE
-THE COMPLETE LIST OF EVERYONES' PERSONAL EFFECTS
-SIX CITIES THAT NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN TO
-I GAVE UP HOPE AND DIED, AND IT WORKED
-FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO WERE WIRY
-THE LIVES OF 6 EXTREMELY SHORT SAINTS
And if you join today, we'll send the following instruction books absolutely
free:
-HOW TO DO EVERYTHING AT ONCE
-HOW TO GIVE PEOPLE YOUR BEST REGARDS
-HOW TO SPOIL OTHER PEOPLE'S FUN
-HOW TO KILL A RAT WITH AN OBOE
-HOW TO ORGANIZE A 'TUPPERWARE' GANG BANG
-HOW TO WAVE GOODBYE WITHOUT MOVING YOUR ARMS
-HOW TO SPOT TRULY VICIOUS PEOPLE IN CHURCH
-HOW TO GET BACK FROM BOSTON
-HOW TO LEASE OUT THE SPACE INSIDE YOUR NOSE
-HOW TO GET A TAN WITH A FLASHLIGHT
-HOW TO START A RANGE WAR
-HOW TO SPOT A CREEP FROM A DISTANCE
-HOW TO GIVE A KING A REALLY HARD TIME
-HOW TO KILL YOUR NEPHEW
-HOW TO BECOME A GREASEBALL and
-HOW TO TURN UNBEARABLE PAIN INTO EXTRA INCOME
So call now, right now, join the book club today."
LOSING THINGS
"I hate to lose anything. I don't wanna' lose anything, because, 'where
is it?' See, basically, that's the part that bothers me the most. I'm a
practical guy...'Where is it? I just had it.' You know that feeling, 'IT WAS
JUST HERE!!!'" (HERE GEORGE BEGINS A CONVERSATION WITH HIS MIND.)
"'Where is it?'
'I don't know.'
'It's gone!'
'that's true.'
'It's lost!'
'I know.'
'Where could it be?'
'Could be anywhere.'
'Maybe it'll come back'
'Maybe, but not yet.'
'It's gone!'
'That's true...are we gonna' go through this sh*t again?'
Where do these things go when they're lost? There are some things, I
don't even care if I ever get 'em back, I just wanna' know where the f**k they
went! You know what I mean? And let me say, losing things is one of those
those events in life that's even worse when you're a kid. It's even worse,
because people get on you for it. It's double jeopardy, not only is the item
gone, but you're catching sh*t from up here!
'You what?!?' [Improvised conversation with a mother]
'I lost my yo-yo.'
'Well, where did you have it last?'
'HEY...if I knew that, I would still have my yo-yo!'
'Well, it must be somewhere.'
'Right!'
'Well, it just didn't get up and walk away!'
That one always got to me...it just didn't get up and walk away. One
time, I lost the cat...it just got up, and walked away! And she actually
started to say, 'Well, it just didn't get up and...cough, ahem, ahem, um, um.'
'Hey ma, I think you figured this one out.' Where do things go when they're
lost? You know what I think? I think there's a big pile of things somewhere.
I think there's a big constantly changing pile of things that are lost. You
lose something,whoo-pop, it goes to the pile. And then you say, 'Oh look, there
it is,' whoowhoowhoowhoowhoowhooph. Right back from the pile. And you didn't
even know there was a pile.
And where is the pile? In Heaven, of course...has to be in Heaven.
That's the first thing that happens when you get to Heaven, They give you back
everything you ever lost. That's the whole meaning of Heaven. You get back
everything; 'Here ya' are, 79 pairs of sunglasses, 212 cigarette lighters, 4,983
ball point pens. Here's a jock strap we found on the Golden state freeway...it
appears to have mule hoofprints and chocolate sprinkles on it...must've been
quite an evening.'
Yes, you get back everything...Everything, When you get to Heaven...well,
not everything, you know, you don't get the big things back. Good judgement,
that never comes back. Your tonsills, your appendix, they keep those for
display purposes, virginity...you don't get that back, because you're in such a
big hurry to get rid of it in the first place. But, you get back all your
wallets. You get back every wallet you ever lost...No cash...it's just like
earth. They keep the money as a prayer offering.
Have you noticed this, when you lose something, the longer you look for
it, the stranger the places are that you are looking. ...You know why? You've
already looked in the easy places. Those are the first places we look, the
obvious places. That's why people say to each other, 'Well, I've looked
everywhere.' Well, apparently NOT...the...damn thing is still gone, isn't it?!?
Let's keep looking in obvious places. I'll look in the furnace, you check the
cesspool.
You look in the strangest places, d' you ever look in the freezer for your
car keys? Hey, you might as well, sh*t, they might be in there. Wouldn't wanna
pass up a nice obvious place like the freezer, would ya'? 'Cause you can talk
yourself into it, you can picture them in there, that's what the mind is for...
picturing where you left your car keys.
Of course, those are obvious things...easy things like car keys.
Sometimes, an unusual item is missing...like, the couch. You ever come home and
the...damn couch is gone!
'Where's the couch!' [Here George again has a conversation with his mind]
'I don't know.'
'It's gone!'
'That's true.'
'Where could it be?'
'Could be anywhere.'
'Maybe it'll come back.'
'Maybe, but not this, no, it's too big actually, nothing over 4 feet ever comes
back on it's own.'
'Well it was here this morning.'
'Well of course it was here this morning. There'd be no sense in mentioning the
fact that it isn't here now unless it had been here this morning, there'd be no
basis for a comparison...'
'F**K YOU, I'M TIRED OF YOUR ANALYTICAL SH*T!!! Why don't you take your logic
and go to bed?!?'
'I can't.'
'Why not?!?'
'I sleep on the couch.'
GEORGE ON CHILDHOOD CLICHES:
PARENT: "I'll wash your mouth out with soap!"
CHILD: "I'll blow bubbles out my a**!"
PARENT: "How many times fo I have to tell you?!?"
CHILD: "Six."
PARENT: "Don't you understand English?"
CHILD: "Not fully, no."
PARENT: "Don't talk back!"
CHILD: "Huh? You're teaching me a language, aren't you? You sayin' no
more practicing?"
PARENT: "I have tried to be both a mother and a father to you."
CHILD: "Go F*** yourself!"
I GUESS I'LL GO BACK TO THAT WEIRD HUMOR PAGE
ON SECOND THOUGHT, I THINK I'LL GO BACK TO THE MAIN PAGE
Email: rwainio@nmu.edu