When I was very young my mom was diagnosed with cancer. A year later, she was diagnosed with cancer again. She told me in no uncertain terms that she would die. This was one of the hardest times in my life. My father could not deal with having a wife in the hospital and two children in the house to take care of. This, aside from problems at work, drove him to such distraction that once, while I was in the bathroom, he attempted to break the door down. He did a pretty good job of bashing a hole in it. Unfortunately, he thought I was acting up and didn't want to go to school. In reality, I was sick. I had been sick with various mysterious maladies since birth, but the pediatrician told my parents I was going to be a high-strung and difficult child, and thus I was treated as one. In the end, my brother and I ended up being sent to my parents' friends' home to stay for some of the time that our mom was hospitalized.
Soon afterward our whole family moved to a new state, while my mom continued to undergo cancer treatments. On the way to our new home, only a few blocks away, we were involved in a car crash. An elderly man was driving on the wrong side of the road, and headed straight toward our car. My dad was the only one smart enough to wear a seat-belt, but he worried that if he didn't turn, my mom would smash through the windshield. In a split-second he made the decision to try to swerve out of the way. This, however, put me in jeopardy because then the man would smash into the section of the car where I sat. Everything seemed to go in slow motion, and I felt at peace; maybe confused more than anything else. After the collision both cars came to a complete stop. The car was completely totaled, yet I didn't experience a single scratch (none of us did), despite the fact that my door was completely smashed. My mom years later told me she believes an angel protected me from injury. Obviously we were shook up from this experience -- what a "welcome" to our new town! At the same time, as a young child, this experience made me realize how fragile life is, how quickly it can be taken away. It gave me a feeling that I needed to make my life worth something.
Our new town, perhaps prophetically from our car experience, was difficult to get used to. I found that no one was very caring. When my mom had cancer, the Sunday School teacher tried to comfort me while I cried. All the girls in my class simply stared at me. Years later one girl, who I had never considered a friend, asked me to sit by her group in our senior high church class. At first I felt shocked . . . me, sit by the popular girls? Unbelievable. Since the small group of girls I normally sat with was absent, I nodded and sat down with them. A few minutes later, I found out the girl was the guest speaker. Her talk was all about how we should reach out to losers and loners -- the people no one liked -- by asking them to do things with us. Of course, I was never asked to sit with their group again. Apparently, I had just been the object lesson. I remember going home and crying the rest of the day. It is just one example of a town that didn't seem to care for outsiders. One of the sayings when we first moved here was that if we weren't of their ethnic background, then we weren't worth anything. (Note: Other ethnic groups have since moved into the area spoken of, and have tried to broaden the scope of diversity and acceptance.)
When I was 11, our lives took another difficult turn. My brother had a broken arm, appendicitis, and pneumonia all at once. To top things off, my dad became very ill. They shared a hospital room, and after tests, my dad received a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. For those who don't know what MS is, it is the neurological disease that Richard Pryor, Annette Funicello, Montel Williams, and "Squiggy" from Laverne and Shirley all have.
Also when I was about this age, my cousin, who had been raised with my mother and who she thought of like a little brother, committed suicide. And, yet again, my mother received a cancer diagnosis, this time with malignant melanoma, the most deadly form of skin cancer.
When I was sixteen my brother's good friend died from a disease he'd had since birth. This was very hard on our family, because we had all liked his friend, who was a genuine Christian example and a classmate of both of ours. Around this time was also when I became even more ill and--after extensive testing for many diseases--was finally diagnosed with food allergies. I got far behind in school and had to take two years as a junior, and dropped out during my senior year. Through this experience I found that my friends abandoned me -- I assume because they had busy lives and didn't know how to respond to someone dealing with chronic illness. I had more problems with my school than I could explain in a concise manner, so I will skip that portion of my life. I finally obtained my degree through a different high school that offered in-home learning.
When I was around 19 or 20 years old and in college, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. This was especially hard on me because my brother had a non-understanding friend at the time who kept him from going to visit my mom in the hospital (I can't remember how or why; but I still remember the action). My dad and I went to visit her alone. She was so drugged up at the time that I worried I'd never get "Mom" back! Thankfully, she's back to being good old Mom.
In my 20s, while walking in the mall with a friend and her mom, I felt something in my back "go." We had been walking for about five hours straight, and I had never walked that much in my life. Despite the pain, I refused to go to the doctor for weeks. After a while, my leg felt like it was on fire and my foot became paralyzed. My own doctor became incredibly alarmed at my lack of control over my foot, and scheduled an appointment with the neurologist while I waited! I was ultimately diagnosed with sciatica and a slipped/bulging disk. This is, according to one book I read, one of the most painful back injuries there is. Once you have it, you are bound to get it again off and on throughout your life. I had constant, severe back pain for a year and it still flares up every once and again.
We all have our own unique "tragedy lists;" the things in life that shape us and make us who we are. At times, these situations seem overwhelming, and we may not know where to turn for comfort. Please let me share with you where I find my strength to get through the tragedies that have happened in my own life.
One day, when I was 11, I was home sick from church -- I distinctly remember the day. My mom stayed home with me. I watched a television show entitled Crystal Cathedral since I had not been able to attend church.
A man who was on the show was missing both arms. Sitting in a chair, he had a guitar at his feet, which he played so beautifully that it touched by heart. When I saw how much he glorified God and let God use him despite his disability, I prayed and asked Jesus into my heart, asking Him to please use me in just the way he used that man through his music ministry (see 2 Corinthians 1:3+4).
At the time, I had no idea how much God would end up using me, despite my, at that time undiagnosed, disability.
I believe that God has a plan for all of us. He uses broken vessels. If I had not prayed this prayer at age 11, I truly believe that I would have never founded FAST.
I am not claiming--as some erroneously do--that life becomes perfect when you accept Christ. You can look at my own tragedy list to see that bad things still happened in my life long after I became a Christian. I continue to face many difficulties, and expect to always be dealing with a chronic illness that has made my life--from birth--so different from others'. Nevertheless, when you are a Christian you know that there is Someone who will be with you always...in the good times, and the bad. Things get rough for me sometimes, especially due to my health, and I can't claim that life is perfect. But I know that there is Someone who cares and will be with me every step of the way . . . good times, and bad.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). God has a plan for you--but He needs you to take the first step.
To find out more about asking Jesus into your life, please visit Billy Graham's site.
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