Mood:  quizzical

Yesterday was an interesting day. Work went well got home at a decent time. Sat around the house pretending I had somthing to do lol. I just layed down to go to sleep and I realized somthing. I am a very boring person. I have a tendancy to not care about things I should and care about things I shouldn't. I bitch to myself constantly about the situations I am in but don't fix them. I worry too much about what others think of me to even pay any attention to what I think of myself. I have a good job that I love and hate at the same time. I have people in my life I thought were friends and then people who thought I was a friend. I realize that I wallow in self pitty more offten then not because I like looking at all my friends from the bottom of a well that I dug on my own. Life has not been anything I can not handle or I would have given up already. I chose my actions based on feelings rather than logic. And instead of thinking about my emotions and controling them I let them control me.

I want for everything in life to be perfect. Yet I know that it is not an never will be. I want to be perfect (perfect for someone, perfect for myself, perfect for my job, perfect for my family, perfect for my friends) yet I don't take the time to look at what perfect really is. Is it really how I am perceieved as me or what others see me as? Deep down I know the answere and one day it will come to me. One day I will know exactly what makes me perfect. I know all my flaws and I know what they have done to me and done to others. I'm not proud of myself at the moment. I'm sick of how I have been acting. I'm sick of the way I treat people (friends or not) I'm sick of me. I'm not bashing on myself to get pitty I'm not writting this for sympathy or empathy even. I'm just writting it to make it true to me in my own eyes. I'm not good with words when I need to speak them so I let my fingers do the talking.

 That was posted on my myspace blog but I felt I needed to add just a bit more to it.

A friend had commented on my blog. Stating that if what i cared about was important to me that should be enough. I understand that and yes it is enough. But the one thing with this is the things that I shouldnt worry about or even care that happen. I stress so much over that I tear myself up over it.

 Perfection is in the flaws of another person. Im not talking about comparing myself to someone els. Im talking about the reasons why I think someone els is perfect. Their flaws make them unique in the sence that they are not like anyone els and that in it self is pure perfection. I have not been around all that long. I have never sat and thought about perfection at all. Everyone's perception of perfect is different. Something that I make think is perfect you may think is flawed and vise versa.

I believe I am in the perfect job for me. Now does that mean that my job itself is perfect? No it is not. It has its ups and downs and things that make me want to quit but it is still the longest job i have ever stayed at. I have been working for the same company for 4 years. There are days that I look forward to being at work. I look forward to the people that I work with and I care about each and everyone of them. Then there are days that I just cant stand being there and I just want to quit. But the job is perfect for me in the fact that the good days out weigh the bad.

I know that this is just rambling and is somthing that not meny people would want to read or listen to but think about it. What does perfect mean to you? Do you see the perfect flaws in others or do you only see the flaws?

Mood:  not sure

The tears well up. Blink to hold them back. What do I do? What can I do? Nothing!!

Its inevitable and I feel it. I want for things to be different.

Could they ever really be? Or am I holding onto a dream that may never come.

I wait ... Wait to see what happens. Wait for the hurt to stop.

I can feel it when we touch. The butterflies are still there.

Do you know what you do to me? Could you understand how I feel?

Yes, someday when the pain stops. The tears still linger and I breath in to calm them.

I want keep telling you its ok. I want to hold you and never let go.

How did I end up like this? How could I let myself go like this?

I was so guarded at one point. So ready to hold on to myself.

Now all I want is to hold on to you. In your arms, holding you, kissing you.

Oh to be at that happy point again. Where nothing could touch me.

But I am here. This is where Ill be.

Waiting, Wishing, Hoping.

Mood:  cool

Its hard to sleep.The silence of the night haunts me.But your touch calms me.Brings me back, Hold me close.Cool me with your kiss. I hold my breath and wait. Till I see you again. I look in your eyes and see beauty. A broken heart, A broken spirit. This may not last, and I know this. Time can change everything. Even when we don't want it too. I am here waiting seeing. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring. I am happy, content, and willing. I can not fix broken hearts. My own is still in pieces. Every past relationships has a piece, and it stings. Knowing that somewhere out there someone els has a piece. No matter how big or how small the tiniest but can mangle you. But as my mind stops the silence grows louder. Not as haunting as before. Still there waiting for the chance to close up.Swallow me. Sleep soon comes, and fills me with more thoughts. Some old that rip me apart. Some new that fill my heart. My heart races, and I burn with fear. Yet I don't know what to be afraid of. Is it the past? Is it the future. I am drawn back to you, and it washes away. The beat slows, and I can breath deeply again. Soaking in the thought of a new day to come. Sleep comes again but I am ready. Keeping my thoughts on you I can dream peacefully.

Mood:  happy

Your smile makes me melt.

Your kiss makes me shiver.

Your touch makes me quiver.

You take my breath away when I'm near you.

But you are broken.

A piece of you was left behind.

I cant fix the broken, and yet I'm here stuck in your gaze.

Longing to know you in so many ways.

One day it will come not knowing when.

But the understanding is there.

Your broken but you let me in.

Mood:  don't ask

An apology came in.

I didn't understand it.

Garbled words, and empty expressions.

Did you hurt that bad?

I told you I forgave you.

But you didn't understand.

I forgave you once.

I forgave you twice.

Yet you repeated once again.

I'm over it I'm through with it.

Please Drop it!

Mood:  bright

The Word

The Words I wish to say flow from my pen.

My tung gets tied and I stumble with words.

But not here not now not with my pen.

The words flow and leave with ease.

I can say what I want and how I want, and it comes out right.

Not a fumble not a stumble.

Just clear and true.

From my heart and my mind not my tung and my eyes.

It is easier when I write.

It is slow and precise.

Just the way it should be not quick and random.

But to the point from the heart.

Mood:  spacey

Ok so first off I would like to welcome you to my blog. Yeah I know lame right your here your reading what do you need a welcome for? Well I figured I would be polite since you did come to read.

Ok so down to business. This blog I intend to have consist of my short stories and poetry that I have written. As well as some things that I write on the fly.

Here is a little sample of some of the poetry that I have worked on for some time now.

As I lay awake my mind wonders to you.

Your lips your touch how they burn me.

The thought of you make me shiver

in anticipation of seeing you again.

To hold you in my arms thrills me.

With a Kiss you set me free.

With a touch you bind me.

In a cell of my thoughts for you I wait.

Hoping Wishing Waiting.

Ok so not my best work but like I said I write on the fly as well. If you thing I have potential cool. If you think I need work hey I don't mind tell me. I would love to hear your comments and concerns about my work, Or if you just want to give me crap hey that is cool too.