Mood:  crushed out
Am I just another one of those skanks you date, not really anything because I'll never be anything to you. We used to talk about marriage and Kids but you just stopped. Is that because you dont want me anymore? Just tell me now. I know you always think I'm gonna leave you for a bigger dick, well hun I am NOT gonna do that. Your just putting me in the same category as those other whore. Because well I would have to sleep around because i so want to do that. Right now i regret a lot of things like things I've done i should of stayed a sweet inocent girl I wanted to save myself for the perfect guy. But no that got destroyed in so many ways. I had big dreams but they are all crashing down. I'm going to be like every onther women in this country. I wanted things to be perfect some how I know its all my fault

My Choices kill everyone
Mood:  sad
What is seriously wrong with me. How can I be so stupid, make a dumb decision to have fun. That I don't think could mess things up. I ruin every moment. Can't say I don't I always make a horrible choice by what I do or what I say. I want to be the person that keeps to herself and does what she needs and does it perfectly. I'm annoying, I should be serious, she was right I don't deserve anything. Maybe one thing the contact with the bade sliding across my skin. And emily, Will I ever help her probably not I'll probably just kill her. I just make horrible decisions

Thoughts
Mood:  don't ask

So many thoughts running through my head. they all are the same in the end "You're an idiot", "Why do that", "What's wrong with you?". I just hate myself I'm a huge hypocrite, horrible friend and everything. Maybe I'm just using him, I'm sorry I wish I wouldn't of done what I did to him. I probably ruined his life. It wouldn't surprise me. I do that all the time. He was so nice to me I opened up to him then I pushed him away. Why I could  make up an excuse. I'm so ridiculous, I do think if I left their lives would be easier. My instuctor is a jerk to me but, i guess I deserve it. I was horrible anyway. I don't think I do anything right. Don't think I ever have. I'm just a huge dissapointment. Yup huge. I let people push me around and I say the wrong things. ALWAYS. Never fails I never know what I'm talking about I think I should stop talking to everyone. He doesn't trust me I guess thats what i get. Those stupid things why did I do them, or let them get done to me. WHY? I just hate everything. Maybe its those two guys fault or my grandma's fault but wait those are excuses. STOP! ITS ALL YOU NO ONE ELSE! Quit blaming everyone else its you. I just hate everyone... I want him to be happy. He probably isn't happy with me. Why would he, I'm just a joke, fake I should stop and die. Still a horrible friend. Yea I obviously don't treat people like they are actual people. I definatley hate myself I try so hard for nothing. I wish right now I was the Strongest woment because I will take those bars and tie them around my neck like a rope and hang myself. I really need to slit my throat I don't care..... I AM DONE!!

Why is it that I set myself up to feel like this.. Maybe he is going to tell me he doesn't to talk to me ever again but how coulde he do that one minute tell me he loves me then completely push me away. HOW? Maybe I deserve it. yea I do. I know I always do I'm sorry to everyone I didn't mean to hurt you no matter what I'm gonna hurt you. If I Stay here. I will hurt you with what I say. If I leave I'll make you feel bad and hurt. So I will never win. I don't deserve him, maybe he is too sweet, I'm just horrible. I want it to make sense, No nothing ever makes sense. I should stop talking to everyone all they like to do is tell me I'm dumb and shove it back in my face. Then talk bad about me and lie and say stuff they don't mean. Did he ever mean it Probably not. He just felt bad for me thats all. Everyone just feels bad for me they don't like me they just pretend and I fall for it. ALWAYS.... I'm and idiot. Why do i fall for it. WHY?

I hurt my best friend I make her be in the middle I told her i was going to hurt myself and I put her in the middle of me and emily. I can't keep promises I lie, I'm just horrible what I deserve is for him to do that . he should of taken it further. Hurt me then killed me.........