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Whatever, I'm just gonna write. I'm not even really sure where this is going but i thought it might help out a little before my problems get even worse. You see, right now i'm waiting on a whole bunch of shit to happen, but i doubt it ever will. There that stupid surgery that I just want to grow through with, and there's cutting my hair, and then just moving the fuck out of Goshen. I am so sick of this place. There is nothing i like about this place. I mean, sure it's homely and small and a cute little town, but the devil lives in it, i swear. I mean, that's totally just a manifestation in my own mind about how Goshen really is, it's just, well for me a living hell. I feel like no one likes me here, well they do i suppose but i'm bored as fuck with everyone around here and need to get out. I mean, ha, it's like i have this nagging feeling at my body, plus an empty feeling. it's like a heavy gravity nagging me to get the fuck out of this current situation. My empty feeling is the fact that i am still here, still living in this shit and i can no longer fight it. Really, my life sucks. I have huge smoking problems, i just can't stop. It's my lovely delicious self-medication. Marijuana. I almost worship it because of how good i feel after i get high, and even the high before, when you know you have weed in your bag and you can smoke whenever you want. That's a huge high for me. AND I FUCKING HATE IT! i just want to be sober, i just want to be able to stop smoking and think about smoking anymore. It's annoying because everyone i talk to smokes, i mean i want to stop smoking, and then i don't.  I should have been more clear about that from the start. And that my friends is because weed is the best. I love it, but i hate it. It's a complex horrible relationship. On to the next problem, well i have a huge problem with men, older men in general and i feel uncomfortable with them. Why? Well it all started long ago when i decided that i need to get fucking RICH so i was stupid and listened to a girl back at school and became a happy endings massage therapist. Yeah, not as nasty as stripping or being a prostitute, but  i was getting money being dirty. So anyway, i hate that...i hate that i went through that and now, i feel weird around guys. Also, i love them. Did i mention that? Probs not cuz i think they suck but at the same time they are awesome to hang out with. Which leads me to another problem, I have friends...but they are very few and deep/close. I guess that's common of the introverts however i feel like i really am pressured to be the extraverted one that has tons of friends and is doing all sorts of things. Even though i'm not. Even though i'm just smoking, watching nature and learning (which in itself isn't too bad of a thing) but you know what's really weird? Right now i'm high and i can easily explain what i'm feeling and what's going on in my life when i type it down on the computer. Guess technology/electricity isn't as bad as i thought. Which leads me to yet another point. I just want to run away, to beautiful cabin in the woods, near the sea/beach, in a fantasy land of beautiful mountains, peaceful lands and barely any people. Animals everywhere! I would ride horses all day long. Lol, i'm sure i sound like i'm bipolar but in reality i'm just an ADD-ridden girl with slight anxiety issues and some other weird shit in the mix that i'm waiting to talk to a psychologist about but shit, my life is one giant embarrassment to mankind. I truly think that not many people go through this and feeling good about themselves. It is so damn funny how i can feel so awful of myself and feel so amazing about myself. I do love my body, and feel that i am definitely most definitely above average in physical attraction, but at the same time feel like...woah....eww. You look great, Erin. So emabarrassing. Anyway, i don't even want to get started into family issues or anything but yeah. My life is interesting. I think I'm going to fix this angelfire page, get it up and running...Peace