Mood:  accident prone

I hope that when the days comes and you read this it will bring back some strength that you lost. Maybe the next day when you wake up and feel the light shining from the window, the warmth will awaken the slivers of yourself that remain embedded deep within and you will go outside and stand there just to feel the heat and shine on your skin. When you go back inside I hope the light has soaked in and carries bits of hope through your veins again, renewing the dreams you created in your mind before I was even born.

I wont deny that there are many obstacles to be overcome and that it will take time, but you do have the strength in you somewhere to be who you really are. I hope the splinters turn to spears and pierce throough the black veil cutting clean through the fear and confusion so you can see its only a few steps you will have to take or a few words you will have to say.

Maybe you will read this someday, and linguer on it for awhile, even if you still want to hide. Maybe the descriptors will renew your sense of adventure and imagination, so that you begin to wonder what it might be like to stand in front of those who love you most and be laughed with, in some real way. I can only imagine how it might feel for you after so many years being filled with fake emotions and chuckles that are followed by hateful retracts. I remember your laugh everytime that I laugh and I remember your smile everytime I feel my own face light up. I remember enjoying the little moments when your eyes were filled with the pride and enthusiasm as you watched your children showing you that you were a good mother in those little peaceful moments when we all played and enjoyed life innocently, without a worry in the world.

I also remember the expression that washed over you on the worst day when you discovered that the man you chose was not choosing you but a child whom you had entrusted to him that could not possibly fathom what was happening. I remember it well because at first there was no expression at all, and then an expression which I had never seen on you before...true digust and hate and rage...all in one. Your lips went blue almost purple and I suspect that you were afraid to breath again or that you may have been holding back that breath so the next moments wouldnt come at all. You may have even been praying that you had fallen asleep and were suffering from a fever that threw you into a nightmare, but the picture didnt fade.

I cannot remember what words came when you huffed out the air, but I know it wasnt easy for you. I wish that the apology that should have come was mine to give...but it is not. I know he must not have given one, at least an honest one, because before long we were scraping to even speak to each other, and avoidance came pretty quickly. I wish it had not.

If I could wave my hand over a crystal ball and send a wave or even a trickle of maturity and understanding back to my 12 year old self, I would just so I would have felt the rage and hate for just one specific moment and then innocence wouldnt have paved the way for evil and we would be happy now. I cannot imagine what could have possessed you to leave it to a child to make such a decision, but it cannot be changed now. All we can change is what will come paving our way to something that could still be.

I wish that you had made a more effort to help me understand, to help me feel something, or at least to let someone else help me. It was a waste to continue helping him for the second, third,fourth and 5th times. He had never wanted to change and had never cared what hurt you, and still helping him was all that anyone did. Couldnt you ever tell that he never smiled a real smile to you, or said anything out of love to you? Were the tiny wrinkles in his face enough to hide the pure mallice that he showed you, and couldnt you feel the overwhelming loss of control, didnt you notice him stealing every bit of joy from you and controlling your every second? Yes, love really can blind each of us who ever feels it, but we only remain blind for a little while and we only completely lose sight if we choose to.

I know full well you could not have been content with the things you felt and the things you knew. I know this because I too have my moments of discontent if something feels bad, wrong, or out of place.

Ill be adding more....later.

Mood:  not sure

To my Mother, Belinda Wittsell.

Im writing this blog in the hopes that one day some small but powerful vibration will have reached you from the edge of the known universe, and you will type in my name because the lightening strikes you.

I have over the years sent letters and pictures which never made it to you, due to some circumstances that we both know are out of my control. Once the letters leave my hands, there is nothing more I can do but pray you might be the one to get to the mailbox first on whatever day the envelope reaches it. I have been told that every single note, so far, has been intercepted and that the letters reside now in the wide expanse of the wichita garbage dump site. I dont find that unusual at all, I actually figured thats what was happening.

Anyway mom, you may be wondering why I have been so bold as to begin writing to you in the public eye of the internet and also why would I be willing to welcome the torment by strangers that is sure to come. Well, it apprears that Im left with no other reasonable choices as you or another person who will remain unnamed for the moment have made quite difficult to speak my piece. You cannot hide from the realities and truth forever and I will not allow ignorance to win. I am still here mother, and I am not invisible...you cannot simply hope to erase me.

Someday, I hope that a ping of happiness will strike you and that you will want more, and that you will settle for nothing less than happiness. I cannot pretend that you werent once a wonderful mother (when I was very young) or that every choice you have made was soley yours. I dont pretend not to notice all common attributes we share and how if I ever had to stand in your shoes I would not find it simple to do things the way they should be done.

Having learned what I would do and wouldnt do (from you) maybe we would be nothing alike at all, but that would only be because I wouldnt choose to take the easy way out. I would not shed all my morals and compromise those closest to me just because it is easier than changing. Im tired of holding my tongue because you both beg and try to force respect from me, when you have shown me no true reason for giving it freely.

You are my mother. You are the one person with whom I would have liked to share all my most precious of moments with, and you sacrificed that for a selfish bit of pride and a little bit of money...not to mention a man who never really loved you and only uses you as a shield from his mistakes/sins.

More to come...stay tuned.