Mood:
vegas luckyTopic: life
From what I remember my first mom was a drug addict. She was on speed, pot, crack, LSD, and alcohol. My dad was an alcoholic and had 6 wives, all alcoholics and abusive. They all lied, cheated and stole from my father and grandparents. My maternal mother was the first to abuse us. She burned us, hit us breaking bones. Then she divorced my dad and gave him custody of us. My dad got married to another alcoholic, all of my mothers were alcoholics. They lied to my dad and said we were bad when we were not. It ranged from verbal, physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. Cheryl (1976) was the first one I remember, she committed all 5 abuses. Cindy 4 different abuses, and Goldie was all 5 types of abuse. Goldie was still drinking when she came back, every time she drank she would say she was sorry but she kept abusing us. I was sexually abused by my brother. So I took myself out of the situation by placing myself in a boys home named the Dakota Boys Ranch. I stayed there from 1988-1994. It was more than the abuse issues, it was also the fire starting and the running away from home because of the abuse. While in the boys ranch I thought about suicide because I thought no one liked me. We were staying at my grandparents house off and on for 7 yrs. We were then put up for adoption. Somebody got us when we were young and our grandparents got us back for $ 200 dollars apiece. Still when we were younger our mothers told our dad that we were bad and we were not. The mothers talked my brothers into beating me up, I also got beat up at school because I was different. I was different then the rest of my peers so I teased about everything from my hair to my shoes. When I was at 9 or 10 and at home I dressed in my moms clothing and it felt good like it was me and I have always felt different. I always felt that my body was changing. People look at me differently like I am crazy or something. Sometimes I was crazy. I did things different than everyone else like if I got scared I brought baseball bats or what ever I had to protect myself with. When I was in the gym I didn't like to shower with the rest of the boy's. I would rather be late to class then shower with my classmate. My classmates used to beat me up so my life was not easy. And we moved 9 to 10 times or more from 1975 to 1993. Never stayed in one spot for a long period of time. Another thing, when he was getting married we weren't invited ever. I wish we were having fun. Sometimes I wish I were invisible and go back in time and I would change things in my life so I can have a better life for myself and I would do things differently. I want to work by myself and have fun doing it. I wish I can keep friends for more then two or three month. Yes I was right they ditched me. I knew it was going to happen. They couldn't take the day off to spend time with me. I wish I had better friends to hang-out with on 07/04/2001. I am bored and I am by myself again for the 4th of July. I am watching the fireworks on TV. I don't know how long my friendship will last. I hate being by myself!!!!!! I am so alone I don't know what to do with my life. I am so bored that nobody will hang out with me anymore. My life is not interesting enough for me anymore. What is the point in having friends, they don't stay long. I want a friend for life that will stay you through thick and thin and will you when you ask for it. The only way we hang out is at work and ride home from home from work. I am worried about my health. This is what I have running in my family Cancer, and diabetes . I have high cholesterol. I think it's from stress. I am still trying to stay fit in this town. I know I can't drink 2 times a week anymore. I also found out that I cannot get my cdl because of a class c medication. I feel too stressed out here. I need help to get out of this house of insanity. I need to find more help to find a good place to live so I can get out of this stress filled house. There are fights with the kids I can't help it anyway. The kids range from 14-19. The only way I can relax is to drive and work on computers, I also sleep more than usual on my days off. The house is not clean dog piss and shit all over plus there are roaches and other bugs all over. The first one is when we were 4 our biological mother Goldie abused us if we were bad we got hit, burned, and broken limbs. We were children that was not the way to abuse us. She was abused herself. Cheryl sexually abused me and abused us almost the same way Goldie did except for burning us. Cindy lied and cheated. She lied about us being bad. We had a step brother that tried to keep us in trouble when we weren't. The little brother lied to our step mother and got us beat by our father. Goldie came back and it was OK for a while then it all started again. Her drinking her saying she was sorry for the things she that happened in the past. As she sobered up and it started all over again. When we were between 10 and 17 we started to rebel because of the abuse. I was in juvenile detention 7 times in one year. When I turned 16 I got taken out of the home and put in Dakota Boys Ranch till I was 18. I had the state help me find a place to live. I was there for 6 months then I went to Utah I was there for 20 months and came back to North Dakota I was there from 96-97. Since late 94 I started going out with a woman, the relationship was great for about 3 years then her mother got involved by telling me how to run my life and so was Sandy telling me when to go to bed and when I got my money I had to spend it on her all the time. Verbal abuse, Manipulation, and cheating on me so I cheated on her with her enemy and best friend. She was telling me how to act and how to dress. Sandy was doing the same to me, so I broke it off after 6 years. It was hard to break it off because I can't find anybody here that will like me for who I am!!!!!!!!! I think I am getting choosy on who I date now. Here is the list of things I am looking for in a person that I'll have relations with. #1 No drugs except medications #2 Healthy except cancer and or diabetes NO STDS #3 Able to hold their own except fights #4 Not too old, 1 or 2 years older than me OK back to the ex she treated me like a kid. Always asking where I was going and what I was doing, I wasn't free to make my own choices she was acting like my mother. She started to boss me around and I said yes mommy and that pissed her off and she said if you wouldn't act like a child I wouldn't treat you like one. Every time we went out everything was fine but as soon as we got in the car or the house we started arguing back and forth. I remember when we were on our 2nd year we got into this huge fight that she was cheating on me and lying about it. Also I was hearing stories about them having sex in my bed and in the laundry room and in the car. So I got mad went to my moms house told her what was going on. So my mom said "let's go back to your house and wait." When Sandy came to my house the doors and windows were shut and I let her have it. At the time I was living in a complex with 13 apartments in it. I had the windows and door closed and the heard me all over the complex. She went out with 3 other guys and I went out with 2. She knew I liked to dress dress in woman's clothes and didn't say anything about it. I used to dress everyday but I held back till Halloween then I let it go. My senses have changed for ex if I hear noise on the walk I can tell you which dir it is coming from. If I hear a song I can tell you who sings it and I can sing it just from the first few notes. I have these dreams about what is going to happen in 3 months and it comes true. I remember one time that the family was sitting at the table playing cards and there was a knock on the door, it was a cop giving my dad papers to bring me to the juvenile detention center. The way we were sitting at the table was dad, mom, junior, and me. coming down here too. OK, change the subject. I do remember this was 5/87 dad was not home from work and it was going on 8-9 o'clock. Drunk out of his mind he was injured on the job, some tie chemical was on his arms and they were bandaged up. He asked for a pair of scissors to cut them off even though the Dr. said no so we didn't give them to him. We took the keys to his truck so he wouldn't drive any more. We found a tape recorder and recorded everything he was saying while he was drunk and played it back to him when he was sober. He was swearing at it up and down it wasn't him and we said yes it was. Now Goldie we were outside playing and we came in to clean our room and relax. She was drinking whiskey and diet coke and listening to Dolly's I Will Always Love you and she said I am sorry and passed out. Now every time I hear that song I cry. I was walking to work when I saw this guy running. He had a body that looked amazing. I said to myself " he has to be straight and or married." . There is this guy at work. He is strong, cute, smart, nice, sweet, and considerate but he is going out with somebody. He looks so cute sitting there in his gray shirt and white shorts and shoes, black hair, sun glasses, and his skin is fairly light brown, the way he walks. OK I am done with him for the day. I am at work on my break. I have people who like to work with me and they say "I know what I am doing.". I hang out at bars where I feel comfortable. I was at a bar 2 of the guy bartenders were cute. Here is something: if I had a choice between Faith Hill and Tim Mcgraw I would take Tim. 07/23/01 I am at St. Luke's hospital my throat is sore and my medication got stuck in my throat. the Dr said it was an allergic reaction to something that hell I don't know. I went to the bar and had a coke as Sam on Thursday. Last Friday I bought some beads and made a pair of earrings. I was taking a bath and when I came out I found writing on my smokes "there are other people that eat here too." and on the other side "fat" then on another pack "stop eating our food." . Right now I am going to meet my friends at his apartment. I made a new friend at work. They are a nice little family whose kids call me uncle. I left Phoenix Az. And went to New Orleans going at the request of a friend and ended up in a homeless shelter in New Orleans. Had a routine set after waking up. It was breakfast, walking by the river and lunch. I also earned money for a homeless shelter and helped at lgbtq place in the french quarter. I met my wife in New Orleans. I was up front with her and told her the truth And we left New Orleans before hurricane Katrina went through and jumped on a bus and went to San Diego Ca. and ended up in another homeless shelter and got fed up with the shelter rules we moved to Tijuana, Mexico and after awhile we earned enough money to move to Clover, SC and i found out i ended up with a narcissistic and a hypocrite and i got abused by her so i got a bus ticket back to North Dakota and ended up in a flood and got hucked up with another narcissistic woman that put me down all the time. She also said i didn't know anything. I lost a lot of friends and family because of her. I had to deal with this for years. I always had to apologize to her for her fuck-ups and had to do everthing even though she was able stuff herself. I had to go everywhere. Everytime I went alone I got accused of cheating.
I lost my dad and my narcissist friend to covid-19. I'm still trying to deal with all this and surprisingly I'm still alive. In all this mess I have been in 13 bicycle wrecks, 4 car wrecks falling off a roof and getting stabbed and 14 concussions. In my life and all my travels I have learned a lot.
One thing I did learn is not to worry about others. If it doesn't affect you, why worry.
If you can find your way around things then try it.
If you can talk your way out of a fight then try And if you can’t then do your best.
be who you want where what you want fuck there feelings
Posted by mwhorley
at 8:39 PM EST
Updated: Thursday, July 29, 2021 10:22 PM EDT
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Updated: Thursday, July 29, 2021 10:22 PM EDT
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post