Aya thank you for reading. None of this is meant with malice or to hurt you. That's the last thing I ever want. Even though I've been hurt terribly I really don't want to cause you any pain. Yes, there are a few bits which may not be easy to read, but I kept them minimal. It does end up a lot brighter I promise... and with a lot of hope if you want it.
I really wanted to do this "in person" but it seems I couldn't. See how I put you first even when I feel I'm on the brink of losing you completely? Bad people wouldn't do that. Heck most good people wouldn't, it causes too much pain and a lot of courage. I hate that I seem to ruin your days and make you sad. That’s a big part of how this email will play out at the very end.
Remember too I have no clue what is going on. So this is all based on the impressions I get from text, which I'm sure you know is wayyy too easy to misinterpret and take the wrong way. I'm sure we've both done that many times with each other. In such a highly strung emotional situation that the past months have been the way we commincate made it harder too.
Yesterday you said friends don't type the things I do. Well friends don't say they'll let the other know if they can no longer be faithful to them either. We were never just friends until that’s gone. But I totally and utterly lowered my expectations from you to that of a friend. And I know I did that right. I gave you total freedom and space.
But you don't have the feelings I do. This is going to be different for you since you aren't so emotionally invested in us as I am. At least not anymore. I don't feel like you care about me now, more like you despise me so, everything I say and do will be tainted by that even if you really don't have reason to feel that way to me. But there are a few things I'd like to say.
Those couple of times I said I was leaving. I was hurting SO bad. I just wanted the pain to stop. So I said it, meaning it there and then. But it’s not something I could have done. No matter how painful it was I love you so, that's why I've always been here. I'm sure it hurt you when I said that. That I said those things and caused you pain, I'm sorry for.
I don't want to to dwell on this, but it has to be said. How you have treated me has been absolutely awful. I really find it hard to comprehend that I went through all that with you, gave you all of me, only to end up dumped and pretty much hated on the other side. It's been one the hardest and most painful experiences I've had to be honest.
But... I forgive you for it. Not for any other reason than you have your own troubles and also you are very young. I don't mean that insultingly. You are better than me at most everything even though a lot younger, but in this case I feel that's a big part of it I think. We really should have faced those troubles head on instead of hiding from them and pretending they didn’t exist. It’s initially harder but the pain is gone quicker.
I'll be honest this is why I got so scared when I found out your age - that I could get hurt badly. It worried me that when we are younger who we like can change in the blink of an eye. Also with me being a lot older would you be ok with my age once it sank in? My feelings were strong for you and I felt like I could get very hurt.
Please know I’m not saying that is what happened, I know there is more to it and that you aren’t like that, but it knocked me back. I got so hurt in my last relationship, the pain lasted almost a year and I never wanted to feel that again. I felt insecure about us, and even though I knew full well you weren’t like that, those little tiny worries stayed there.
So when I found out you were 18 it was almost like our relationship started over again. I kept that to myself since it didn't matter, spending time with you normally would heal that and make me feel totally safe again.
But I hadn't really got my head round that, when all this downward spiral you've been having began. So I was struggling to cope with two things at once. You being sad and distant was the first – it’s hard for anyone to see someone they love unhappy.
While the second was getting completely comfortable with your age, and knowing you were ok with mine. What I needed was lots of attention and affection with you like we’d had, but of course you were in no place to give me that. So those two things didn’t go well together.
You wouldn't talk to me about anything at all either which made it all worse. What we had before was amazing, it really was. We had such fun and were so close – never left each other. But I stayed like that – not wanting to be away from you at all, and because of what was going on for you, you changed. I don’t blame you for that, it’s what happened to you that is to blame, but I’m sure you can see if you remember for a moment how you felt about me once, how much it would have hurt you if it were the other way around.
I felt totally blind to what was happening. The only window I have into your world is text. What you tell me. So when you wouldn’t talk to me and you started getting more and more distant it made things hard. Those little worries I had before got bigger and taunted me even if I knew deep down they weren’t true.
I’ve told you before my one weakness is the person I love, so it slowly became my own personal hell. And then of course the most important part of all this that I wanted to be gone was that you were so sad. I want you to be happy so badly, I wanted your pain to stop. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, but I had no clue what I was dealing with, I didn’t know what to do. I felt so lost and confused.
I really am a good, nice person though Aya no matter your opinion of me. I know you have your own deep problems in addition to everything else. So no matter how much I'm hurting right now I want to leave you with the feeling that your actions are forgiven even if not totally understood.
And if you'd have shared all with me I promise this would have turned out very different. I'm very good at these kind of things. My friends divulge things to me all the time because they find my personality relaxing, calming and helps them. You may well be scoffing at that but it’s actually true.
Which leads me on to the last part of this... I guess with me you can't escape reality like you can with a stranger. So I want to offer you something. There's no reason why you can't keep long lasting relationships with someone, instead of finding new ones because you think the old is too broken.
Why don't we start fresh when I come back in a very minimal way. What we had before all this was really really great. I'm pretty sure you remember it was or why would I still be here? So instead of keep doing everything you can to block out how you feel in the real world, why not find a way to have it all?
I'm not asking you to jump right back into a relationship with me. I want to make that clear right away. That really isn't possible while you have all these underlying issues. You already said you don't have to put on a false front to me. That's good and great. It is how people that are very close should be together. So why not take it a step further and start opening up to me totally so we can find a way to get you completely better?
Just to be open my reasons for wanting to do this are for me too. I have feelings for you so I don't want to turn my back on you. I want to try help the people I'm close with and I really think together we can find a way through this. Remember I had a terrible childhood too, so I will have understanding and compassion others might not.
So yes in the long term I'd hope we'd get back together. But I know there would be a lot of work to do before that. I know the thought of this is scary. I know it seems easier to live day by day and try to hide how you really feel from everyone. But you shouldn't have to do that. You don't need to. You are a lovely person and so I want your life to be filled with joy.
There would be some tough moments I'm sure, and it will bring feelings to the surface. I'll probably see a side of you pretty much no one sees but you are safe to let me see you like that. I wouldn't still be here if you weren't. I care about you and really don't want any unnecessary pain for you.
Just why not try something you haven't before? You will never know unless you try. And honestly you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Sure it won’t all be plain sailing but in the long run your whole life could improve. No more fake shell because the pain would be gone so you could be really you. And Aya… “really you” is beautiful and wonderful, and why I am still here.
There's always a way to make things right if you really want to. I'm also not suggesting you spend every waking hour with me for a long while. I only use messenger for you. I could put it on for a short while each day so we can have a little time for you to talk and open up, then I’ll let you be and turn it off till the next day. Perhaps with time you'd want to spend more time with me – that’s what I’m really hoping for.
But all I ask is that if you agree to this, then we keep going with it and stay committed. Just make a little progress each day - doesn't have to be much. Just something. Our time together wouldn’t have to always be about opening up of course, but I would want us to actively find a way to improve things for you, and not pretend it doesn’t exist anymore.
Aya – I know your initial feelings for this will be “I don’t need anyone” or “I can do this myself”. Well I’m going to put my neck on the line and say I really honestly think you’d benefit from support right now. I really believe I have a lot to offer you to help you through this and improve things for you.
Why? Because there’s a whole side of me you don’t know much about where I was mistreated badly by my mom as a kid. I’ve got past that and managed to move on without letting it affect my life (very much anyways) now. I think I have a lot of understanding and as you get comfortable opening up it’ll get easier to talk and slowly I believe we can take all that pain and anger inside you away. You just have to trust me. Even if I can’t personally help, together we can discuss ways to find someone that can.
I know you’ll probably clam up at even the thought of talking about that stuff. Like it’ll affect your mood and be painful at times. It will of course I’m not going to lie about that. But if we can fix everything inside, really what are some bad days and moments if the rest of your life you can be happy and no longer need to put on an act of happiness to the world?
Just really think about it and try it please? First and foremost this is about you. I can’t stand by and see you not well. In the long run too it is for me of course as well. I won’t lie about that. But I love you and can’t help but want to try. You know how the way you are being right now ends up. You’ve done that before. Please try something new with me?
Just try think back to how it was those first few months? With all the closeness and fun and trust as we confided all in each other. Perhaps read some of the old stories I wrote to remember that side of us, and I’m sure you have lots of screenshots and things :) We were great together and we can be again if you want to. And in order for you to want it again you need to recall the real us – the way we were back then… not now.
But if you don’t want to try this then I can’t go on being a person who “ruins your days” and takes away what happiness you do have. That brings me no joy at all, and adds to the pain I’m feeling. It’s obvious I don’t make you happy right now so with nothing going on to fix it I think it’ll best if I don’t put messenger on any longer.
That really isn’t what I want. The thought terrifies me. I want you in my life forever and want us to become again what we once were. But I can’t keep adding to your pain and frustration. That doesn’t mean I’ll be gone completely. You can email me any time. In fact I want you to know I’ll be there for you if you are ever in need of a friend to help you through a hard time.
But I really don’t want it to come to that, so please take some time to think about it. If you want to try it then email me and tell me, and we can figure out a time for us to meet on messenger to chat. Just take it very slow at first, just a short while each day or every other day. And if things are getting better we can move on to more. Please let’s try, I really don’t want to lose you.
If you don’t want to try then no need there’s no need to email. It’d only cause you more anguish trying to figure out what to write. I really really don’t want that – more than anything I don’t want that. But if that’s what you choose then I’ll have to understand.
So just to be clear what I was wanting to do:
1) Meet up for a short while each day only, adding more as you want it
2) Let you open up to me and really find a way to improve things for you completely
3) Once you are completely better see how we feel about each other
Just please don't not do this out of pride or anything. Sometimes being too proud can just hurt you. Anyways I’ve probably repeated myself a ton but you mean the world to me. I really hope to hear from you. If I don’t please have a beautiful life Aya… and give my love to Asuka x
Ps I’m sorry that was so long with me babbling on. I just care a lot and you are so important to me. It’s all I can do. Thank you for reading though.
Pps If you click this link you can read some other random thoughts. Just about my feelings about moving on after my mom – it might offer you some insight. It also discusses things I thought might be possible to do to help improve things for you. Please remember I’m only guessing right now since I don’t’ know what is happening to you, so don’t be angry if I’m suggesting things that won’t help. They’re more to at least try help if you decide you don’t want to talk to me.
Mark
kookyness AT live DOT com