Questions from Christians #4: “Why do you have to tell people you’re gay? Can’t you keep it in the bedroom?”
Part 4 in my series of questions Christians ask about gay people.
Today’s question is super common, and gay people hear it in a lot of different ways:
· "Why do you have to let people know you’re gay?"
· "Isn’t your sexuality a private matter?"
· "Can’t you keep it in the bedroom? I don’t tell people about my sexual preferences."
· "What you do behind closed doors is none of my business. I don’t need to know!"
· "Why do you have to flaunt your sexuality?"
Celibate gay Christians get this question, too, and for them, it often sounds like this:
· "Why do you have to tell people about your sexuality if you’re celibate?"
· "Why do your sexual attractions matter if you’re not having sex?"
All of these questions are basically asking the same thing, and all of them make the same mistake:
They mistakenly think that being gay is about sex. It’s not.
If we were talking about what someone likes in bed, then I’d agree. If you like whips and chains, or if you fantasize about dressing up in superhero costumes with your wife, that’s information I don’t really need to have. That’s what you like in bed.
But being gay isn’t what I like in bed. Being gay, like being straight, has to do with much more: how my brain is wired, how I relate to men and to women, and who I will or won’t fall in love with. My sexual feelings are a part of that, but only a part.
In fact, straight people talk about being straight all the time! In many cases, I know someone is straight after only one conversation—often within a few minutes of meeting them.
One of my favorite webcomic artists is Drew Mokris, of Left-Handed Toons andSpinnerdisc. I’ve never met him, and I know very little about his life. But I know he has a dog, and I know he’s straight. How do I know? Because when he got married the other day, he publicly posted this sweet save-the-date animation he had made months earlier:
Cute, right? I don’t know about you, but it made me smile.
It’s a love story, not about politics or what he likes in bed. But it’s also about being straight, isn’t it? In fact, every time a straight person mentions an opposite-sex significant other (whether it’s someone they’re with now or someone they hope to meet in the future), they’re letting me know they’re straight.
By contrast, if a gay person had posted this video about two guys or two girls, I can pretty much guarantee there would have been comments accusing them of flaunting their sexuality or telling them they should keep it in the bedroom. With a straight couple, we assume it’s about love, but with a gay couple, we assume it’s about sex.
It’s about more than relationships, though. The truth is, we all want to be known for who we are, and our orientation is a big part of that.
Straight readers: Suppose a rumor began circulating that you’re gay, even though you aren’t. And suppose your family, friends, coworkers, church, and acquaintances all began to believe the rumor. Would you correct them? How long would you let them believe you’re gay before you felt the need to tell the truth? A straight man named Tim Kurek pretended to be gay for a year as part of an experiment. Would you last that long? Would you let it go for ten years? Your entire life?
Most people wouldn’t feel comfortable pretending to be gay for even a day. We want people to know us for who we really are, and when they believe something about us that isn’t true, we feel distant from them. It’s natural to want them to know the truth.
But let’s say you did decide to keep your heterosexuality a secret from everyone in your life. How would you do it?
You couldn’t ever mention your spouse or significant other in public. You certainly couldn’t wear a wedding ring—too many questions. You couldn’t have pictures of your family at work. When current events affecting gay people came up in conversation, you’d have to pretend they affected you even though they don’t. (Closeted gay people have to do the opposite.) If your spouse was sick or injured and you had to leave work early to take them to the hospital, you couldn’t tell anyone why. When people tried to set you up on dates with others of the same sex, or casually mentioned that so-and-so is “hot," or asked “Have you met any nice [boys/girls] yet?", you’d have to invent excuses or change the subject.
And that’s just for starters. If I included all the ways your life would have to change, this blog post would be so long that no one would read it.
If you wanted to pretend to be gay, it wouldn’t just be a matter of not bringing the subject up; you’d have to deliberately deceive people. That’s what gay people have to go through every day until they decide to let people know they’re gay.Everyone assumes we’re straight, and until we correct them, there’s a wall of deception between them and us.
When we come out publicly as gay, it’s because we don’t want to have that wall. We don’t want to lie. And we don’t want to live every day worrying about what you’ll do when you find out—because we know the truth will come out eventually, and we’d rather be the ones to tell you instead of letting you hear something through the rumor mill.
One final point…
So what about those single, celibate gay folks? If they don’t have significant others to hide, why does their orientation even matter?
I can think of two big reasons right away.
One reason is that orientation, like gender, affects a lot about a person besides their sexuality. If you’ve ever been the only man in a roomful of women, or the only woman in a roomful of men, you know that being male or female gives you a different perspective on many things. So when I tell you I’m male, I’m not making a statement about what’s in my pants; I’m telling you something about who I am—something that affects how I experience the world and how I’ll relate to you.
The same thing is true of my orientation. Even if I never go on a single date, just beinggay means I’m wired differently and my experience of the world is going to be different than if I were straight. Keeping that secret would be like trying to hide my masculinity from you. You would never really know me.
The second reason is that by coming out, we can save others from a lot of pain. This is a controversial subject in the world right now, and many people are hurting because of misunderstandings about gay people. When gay people come out—especially those who defy stereotypes—it’s a way of humanizing the issue and helping people understand. If you know I’m gay, maybe you’ll be more prepared to support your nephew or best friend when he comes out as gay. And when I come out as gay and Christian, maybe your nephew or best friend will have someone to look to as a role model, to know that he doesn’t have to leave his faith behind because of what he’s experiencing.
Even if that were the only reason to come out, I’d say it’s worth it.
Questions from Christians #2: “Why do gay people want to redefine marriage? What’s their real goal?"
Part 2 in my series of questions Christians ask about gay people.
(The image is of Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon, the first same-sex couple to legally marry in San Francisco. At the time of their civil marriage, they had been together for more than 50 years.)
First, let’s get four things out of the way, because I know people will bring them up.
1. There’s a difference between civil marriage and church marriage. C.S. Lewis famously said that Christians shouldn’ttry to make the government’s definition of marriage match the Christian definition of marriage, because not everyone is a Christian.
2. Marriage, as a civil institution, has been defined many different ways.
Adam and Eve had no wedding ceremony.
King Solomon had hundreds of wives. Until 1967, many states outlawed interracial marriage. To this day, different parts of the world define marriage differently. (This doesn’t mean that all those definitions are equally valid in a Christian sense, of course. I think some of them are pretty terrible.)
3. Not all gay people are in favor of marriage for same-sex couples. Some gay Christians, for instance, believe gay people are called to celibacy. Other gay people view marriage as an outdated or heterosexist institution. Some think the government should get out of the marriage business altogether.
4. Many of my readers have a moral objection to gay relationships.
But they still ask me to explain why civil marriage is so important to gay couples. That’s what this post is about.
For the sake of today’s post, let’s consider a gay couple who do want to get married. (Let’s call them, oh, Adam and Steve.Why not.) Furthermore, just for the sake of argument, let’s assume that Adam and Steve aren’t Christians, and that their primary interest is in having a legally recognized civil marriage, not a church marriage.
Our question today is: Why? Why do they want to get married? Why isn’t it enough for them to just have their relationship as it is?
Well, the easiest way I can answer that question is by showing you a quick video about a real-life gay couple, whose names are actually David and Jason. Take a look:
Seriously, give it a watch before you read the rest. It’s short, and I promise, it’s worth it if you really want to understand.
Did you watch it? Powerful, right? I can’t make it through the last half without tearing up. You don’t have to agree with these guys in order to understand their pain.
Let me tell you another true story.
Years ago, a friend of mine (I’ll call him John) met the love of his life (I’ll call him Ricky). The two of them dated, fell in love, and decided to get married. Because legal marriage wasn’t an option for them and because neither of their families supported their decision, they made a promise between the two of them, moved in together, and began their life together, lovingly and selflessly supporting one another.
Put aside whatever images you may have of the stereotypical toned, young, sex-obsessed gay guys who spend all their time clubbing and partying. No, these guys were just real people—one legally blind, the other an overweight diabetic—who lived quiet lives and were there for each other in ways no one else could be. This was love, not lust.
Sadly, Ricky (the diabetic) had some severe heart problems, and John came home one day to find Ricky unconscious. He called 911, and the ambulance came to rush Ricky to the hospital. But at the hospital, as Ricky lay dying, John wasn’t allowed into the room to see him, because their marriage wasn’t legally recognized, and he wasn’t considered “family."Ricky had given John legal power of attorney for making his medical decisions, but John didn’t have the paperwork handy, and when Ricky’s biological family arrived, they kept John out of the room even though he had been Ricky’s only real family for quite some time.
John wasn’t able to be in the room when the love of his life passed away. He was only allowed in later, after Ricky’s death, once the biological family had left. Ricky’s body was covered in a sheet, with his feet left uncovered.
"I didn’t know what to do," John told me later through sobs. “I wasn’t able to be there when he died. And I hated seeing him like that, with his feet uncovered. He had bad circulation and had always complained about his feet being cold, and I was the only one he ever let touch his feet. So I sat there by his body and rubbed his feet for a while and talked to him, as if he were still there. Then I took the sheet and covered up his feet. I didn’t know what else to do."
The family didn’t allow John to attend the service at the gravesite, and they laid claim to Ricky’s belongings. In the end, itdidn’t matter that Ricky had chosen to spend his years with John; in the eyes of the law, he was just “a friend."
Why do some gay people want civil marriage rights so badly? Because of stories like these. It’s not just a symbol or a political maneuver or an “agenda." It’s about keeping their families together, in life and in death, just as it is for straight couples.
So when the Supreme Court decision is made this month, whatever it may be, think about Ricky and John, and David and Jason, and all the other same-sex couples out there, and you may understand a little more about why this decision matters so much to them.
You might also have a hint of why, when American Christians are so vocally opposed to granting them those civil protections on the basis of our religious beliefs, it makes many gay people even less interested in hearing anything Christians have to say.
Questions from Christians #3: “Why do you have gay pride parades? We don’t have straight pride parades. (And isn’t pride a sin?)”
Part 3 in my series of questions Christians ask about gay people.
Gay pride parades/marches are popular for a number of reasons:
1. They provide a sense of community to people who have sometimes been isolated and outcast, even from their own families.
2. They bring attention to political or social causes that are important to many LGBT people.
3. They give churches, community centers, and other organizations a chance to publicly show support for LGBT people and raise awareness of their work.
4. Who doesn’t love a parade?
(Actually, I don’t… but judging from the crowds at Walt Disney World every afternoon and evening, I may be in the minority.)
But why are they “gay pride” parades?
In order to understand “gay pride,” you first have to understand something about shame. And that brings me to a story about race.
I grew up in the suburbs as a privileged white kid in the 1980s. I attended a school for gifted students, where most (but not all) of my classmates were also privileged white kids. Several of my best friends were non-white, though, and I firmly believed in a color-blind society where people would be seen for themselves, not for their race.
So perhaps you can understand why I was confused the first time I saw a black classmate wearing a t-shirt that said “Black is Beautiful.”
Wait a second, I thought. Aren’t we supposed to be color blind? After all, if a white student had worn a t-shirt that said, “White is Beautiful,” it would be considered racist and offensive. Why didn’t that go both ways?
It took a conversation with my black best friend to knock some sense into me.
Black kids in America today aren’t growing up in a world with separate drinking fountains, but they are growing up in a world where dark skin is still considered a liability. In numerous studies, even young children—black and white—identify white dolls as “good” and “beautiful” and black dolls as “bad” and “ugly.”
These cultural messages come from a variety of sources. They’re deeply ingrained, and those of us in the white majority may not notice them. But they’re there. No one likes to think of themselves as racist, but experiments continue to show that people treat others differently (and make different assumptions about them) based on their race.
Even in the African American community, it’s often true that men and women with lighter skin are considered more beautiful than those with darker skin. And this isn’t just an issue for black Americans; in Asia, for instance, cosmetic surgery has become extremely popular to try to look more Caucasian.
The implicit message, no doubt fed by American movies and television, is that white is beautiful and other races are not—that the less Caucasian you look, the less attractive, desirable, or trustworthy you are.
Those of us who are Caucasian can shake our heads sadly at this and wish things were different, then forget about it and move on to the next issue. But that dark-skinned little girl doesn’t get that opportunity. She wakes up everyday knowing on some level that society considers her “less than” because of her skin and her nose and her hair:
So when that black classmate of mine wore a “Black is Beautiful” t-shirt to school, it was her way of fighting back against the societal pressures that only saw white as beautiful. She didn’t want to hide or ignore what made her different (so much for “color blind”), and she didn’t want to be ashamed of it either. Instead, she was making a conscious choice to celebrate the very things that others might use to bring her down. By contrast, if someone had come to school in a “White is Beautiful” t-shirt, it would have only added to the very societal pressures she was trying so hard to overcome.
Being gay in America isn’t the same as being black in America; they are very, very different experiences. But both groups have had to fight against a toxic kind of shame.
Some kinds of shame are good, of course. If you do something wrong, you should feel a sense of shame. But some kinds of shame are toxic. If a little girl thinks something is wrong with her because her hair isn’t straight and her skin is too dark, that is a toxic kind of shame. And when her mother encourages her to take pride in her race and her heritage, that’s a healthy, good kind of pride designed to combat that toxic shame.
Gay people in many cultures grow up with toxic shame, too, and because our parents usually are straight, we can feel especially alone. We think there’s something wrong with us because we’re not like the other little boys or little girls—because we don’t like the same things they do, don’t walk the same way, don’t talk the same way. We develop same-sex attractions at puberty and feel a deep, abiding sense of shame—not for anything we’ve done, but for feelings we didn’t want and can’t get rid of. And whether we ultimately choose to pursue a relationship, stay celibate, or even go through ex-gay therapy, that toxic shame can be very hard to shake.
It is that—along with the painful messages we may hear from family, co-workers, politicians, and churches—that prompts many LGBT people to publicly and loudly proclaim their pride in who they are. They don’t mean the “arrogance” sort of pride that Christians ought to avoid, but rather the sense of taking joy in the things that make them different, as an antidote to the shame that threatens to drag them down.
So “pride parades” are, for many, a way to reject that shame, connect with others in the same boat, and find a sense of community and family that they may not otherwise have had.
And yes, some people overdo it.
But then again, some people have had to overcome a lot of toxic shame just to get out of bed in the morning. If a rainbow flag and a tube of glitter helps, I’d say it’s worth it.
Questions from Christians #1: “Doesn’t the Bible say it’s a sin to be gay?"
This is by far the most common question I get about faith and sexuality. It’s a huge, complicated question, but people always want a short, simple answer.
You want short? Okay, here goes.
Question:
Doesn’t the Bible say it’s a sin to be gay?
Short Answer:
No.
That’s the most concise answer I can give. Pretty simple. But in case you’d like a little more, here’s a slightly less short answer.
Slightly Less Short Answer:
No, the Bible doesn’t say it’s a sin to be gay. Being gay just means someone is attracted to the same gender.* The Bible never mentions this. It mentions sex, not attractions.
The real debate is about whether the Bible says it’s a sin to have gay sex. Some Christians get confused and think this is the same thing as debating whether it’s a sin to be gay, but those are very different questions. One is up for debate. The other isn’t.
Still want more? Here’s an even less short answer.
Even Less Short Answer:
Okay. [deep breath]
Being “straight" doesn’t necessarily mean you’re having sex, right? You could be straight (attracted to the opposite gender) and still waiting for marriage, for instance. You might not be dating anyone. You might never date or have sex with anyone.You might even commit yourself to lifelong celibacy. None of that changes the fact that you’re straight, if you’re attracted to the opposite gender.
The same is true for gay people. I’m gay, but that doesn’t mean I’m having sex, or that I ever have had sex, or that I ever will have sex. It’s very important to understand this, because while I can choose whether to have sex, I cannot choose what my orientation is. I’m still gay either way.
The difference between “being gay" and “having gay sex" is a SUPER IMPORTANT DISTINCTION, and when Christians fail to make this distinction, they’ve already failed in their quest to communicate with gay people. It’s a subject I’ve addressed many times before. And it matters.
I know that part is old news to many of you, but for some people…
So what about the Bible?
Well, the Bible never mentions orientation. At all.
The Bible does, however, mention sinful examples of gay sex:
Old Testament
· In Genesis (the Sodom story) and Judges (the Gibeah story), we are told about angry mobs who threaten to gang rape unwelcome male strangers.
· In Leviticus, male-male sex is forbidden as part of a list of rules given to the Israelites.
New Testament
· In Romans, Paul describes a group of people who engage in idolatry and are given over by God to “shameful" same-gender sexual practices.
· In 1 Corinthians and 1 Timothy, Paul uses the Greek word arsenokoitai ("homosexual offenders") in a list of sinners.
This has led to two different interpretations.
Some Christians believe that the Bible condemns gay sex and that gay Christians are therefore called to lifelong celibacy.This is sometimes called a Side B view.
Other Christians believe that these passages only deal with specific cultural issues like rape and idolatry, and that they don’t condemn loving gay relationships in today’s society. It’s similar to how most Christians today don’t believe women have to wear head coverings (1 Cor. 11:5-6) or remain silent in church (1 Cor. 14:34), believing those passages to be tied to a very different culture from ours. This is sometimes called a Side A view.
Christians on Side A and Side B disagree on gay sex and relationships, but they should be able to agree that the Bible never condemns simply being gay.
So there you go, three different short answers to that question. If you’d like a longer, more in-depth analysis of my own personal view, here are some places you can find it. And keep watching, as I continue to address more common Christian questions in my new series!
* For the sake of simplicity, in this post I’ve used the word “gender" to refer to one’s maleness/femaleness and “sex" to refer to sexual activity. No angry letters please, gender studies majors; I know it can be more complex than that.
Okay… but how do you justify that view with the Bible?
Last week, one of my readers asked—very nicely, I might add—about my “Side A" biblical views.
“Side A," you may recall, is a term sometimes used for people like me who support monogamous same-sex relationships. ("Side B" refers to those who believe such relationships are contrary to God’s design.)
It’s a question I get asked all the time. Seriously, all the time. It’s like I can’t get on an airplane, go to the dentist, or go through a fast food drive-through without someone asking me this question. (NB: My dentist has never actually asked me this question.)
I always feel a little conflicted when it comes up. My work is all about helping Christians lovingly deal with controversies like this one, and the organization I run has both “Side A" and “Side B" members. My goal in life isn’t to take a side and try to convert everyone to my way of thinking; it’s to help people build bridges and treat each other with grace and love in spite of our disagreements. If I spend too much time publicly taking a side, that could harm my ability to do the work I’m most passionate about.
But I also believe that building bridges requires being honest about your own views and biases when people ask. And I know why people ask this question so often; the reality is, most of us Christians have heard biblical justification for a Side B perspective many times, but a lot of Christians have never heard any biblical justification for a Side A perspective.
It doesn’t help matters that many of the Side A biblical arguments out there are, frankly, pretty terrible. They rely mostly on looking for loopholes, trying to convince people that certain passages don’t mean what they seem to mean, and then expecting that to be the whole conversation. Some of the Side A arguments I’ve heard strain credibility to the point of being laughable. This only further reinforces the idea that a Side B view is based on the Bible, and a Side A view is based on wishful thinking.
So when people hear that I’m a committed Christian, that I believe in the Bible, and that I’m Side A, they naturally want to know how I came to that conclusion. When they hear that I came to my Side A views not in spite of but because of my biblical studies, they’re even more intrigued. And since there are many, many, many other Side A Christians (both gay and straight) around the world, it’s to be expected that people who have never heard a biblical Side A argument want to hear my perspective on it.
It’s a complicated subject, though, and a simple blog post can’t do justice to it. So, for those of you who have been asking, there are 3 places you can get my perspective on this.
Personally, I think my best and most concise explanation of how I came to my conclusions is in my upcoming now availablebook,Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate.The book is written for all Christians, both Side A and Side B, but it does include a chapter in which I explain the Bible studies I did and how they changed my view. (No worries, though: even if you disagree with every word of my biblical exegesis, I think you’ll still find the book incredibly relevant.)
You don’t have to buy my book to read my Side A argument, though (but I’d love it if you did!). An earlier version of my argument is on the web, available for free on the Great Debate section of The Gay Christian Network’s website. It’s long and I wrote it a number of years ago, but the basics are all there, and it should give you a pretty good idea of what I believe.
If reading long essays aren’t your thing and you’d rather have the whole thing explained to you in a more entertaining (I hope!) fashion, you’re in luck! GCN just published a new DVD of me giving a talk last year to explain my Side A views. In it, I use some humor and Bible analysis to explain my take on the (in)famous passages as well as other passages that I wish people would talk more about, and what I think the approaches Jesus and Paul took to Scriptural interpretation should tell us about how to deal with controversial issues like this one.
So there you have it, three places you can hear my own Side A interpretation of the Bible and why I believe what I do. Whether you agree with me or not, though, I hope we can agree to continue working together to help the church do a better job of dealing with controversial issues like this one and showing the grace and love we know we’re called to as Christians.