Mood:  down

First of all i love my boyfriend more than anything in the world, and i would do anything and everything for him. When i have a moment of clarity and realize that i dont want to be shooting dope anymore, i always tell jared that we cant do it anymore, that i dont want to do it anymore and our relationship isnt going to work if we keep doing what were doing. I tell him he has a choice to make, me or a bag. And obviously if he chooses the bag our relationship is over, but when it actually comes down to following through with my aweful threat, i can never bring myself to break up with him, so we get a bag instead. Basically because i DONT want to break up with him. Hes the love of my life and i never want to lose him. But i told him today that next week when he gets paid, we CANT do anything, or i really have to leave him, because our relationship will be stuck in this shithole moment forever (and by shithole moment i mean we'll never stop using and we probably wont last together either) and i dont want it to be like that. Since being with jared, ive changed alot, learnt alot and been through alot, and whether its been good or bad, it made me who i am right now. We have our good times and our bad times just like any other couple, but we always make it through those tough times. We've been through alot together. Since we started dating,  we've both been struggling with the disease of addiction, we've been homeless, on our own, broken down, broken the law (alot of times, but never got caught) in and out of detox, in a 30-day program away from each other for the whole summer, and all of those things have made us stronger as a couple and as individuals, and i wouldnt change anything, because depending on what i changed i might not have still been with jared or alive or still in Massachusetts. Everything happens for a reason. You might not know what the reason is right away or even for a long time, but no matter what happens, it was meant to happen. I look at it as Jake and I were meant to break up so i could meet Jared and share my life with him. Because if i never met Jake then i would have never met Dave Grant (he introduced jared and i) and i would have most likely never met jared, so i dont want to change my past, i only want to better my future, and im trying to do that one day and one step at a time. Comming up on November 9, 2008 is me and Jared's year and a half anniversary, and honestly to this day i still get butterflies in my stomach when i see him or talk to him. Theres something about him that sucks me in, and it makes me never want to leave him. I just hope that we can be stong enough to get clean on our own this time. We've been on about a month and a half run, alot shorter than all our other runs, but i just hope were strong enough to do it ourselves and be there for each other. I know what he goes through and i understand, and he knows and understands what i go through. We can help each other out in so many ways, and no matter what him and i will always have each other if no one else is there, and i think that is an amazing gift. I couldnt ask for anyone better than jared. I love everything about him, even his defaults, and his worst side & behavior. Hes a very smart and special person. Hes ambitious, but also very stubborn and you know what? I still love him. I could never hate him. And since we've been together for a while and we've gotten to know everything about each other, even if we do happen to break up i will always love him and be there for him if he ever needs anything or anyone. I could never hate him, only love him. Ill love him forever.