A LOOK INTO A LIFE OF GENDER

 

Ivy Amber Krill

 

 

It turns out that I, in fact, can concentrate best in either a skirt or pants.

 

I guess that's what it comes down to.  :o)

 

*  *  *

 

I believe that my story is one that has value for others in its capturing of gender and sex in ways that many lives don't -- how many people have lived as both a man and a woman?  Through my journey into the land of transgender -- and back! -- I have learned things that I couldn't have learned any other way; I have grown in ways that I couldn't ever have imagined I would.  In December of 2007 when I, as an age twenty-two guy named Danny, excitedly told my favorite sister about my plans to transition to living as a female and as a woman, and how "Either way it'll be a success!", I certainly did not know the truth in what I said nor the caliber of what I was about to do.  I believe that everything makes us who we are, and very little of what happens in our lives is a mistake.

 

I am grateful to be at the point I am at now, as the mature and enlightened person I have become.

 

My mother squeezed me out of her vagina on December 24th, 1984, in West Allis, WI (in Milwaukee).  I'm sure that the reason the doctor declared me male at the time of my birth was due to the appearance of my genitals; their similarity to typical male genitalia.  I am surprised that it was important enough at the time to know my sex.  After all, at minutes old, and at weeks old and months old, how can a child's sex – a child’s possible future reproductive role -- matter?

 

I was to grow up in a family full of females where the mother is a dominant force.  I have two parents, an older brother, and five sisters who I am love.  We were all about a year and a half apart.  My brother seemed to be a typical boy, while I was more of an androgyny:  I had an unmistakable feminine nature to my personality, but did not come across as being "unusual."  Throughout my childhood and into my teen years, my primary personality traits were: independent, investigative, shy, and non-assertive.  I believe the reason my brother was always detached from the family was due to the way that he strived to be best; or perhaps it was due to the complex nature of sibling relationships.  I was very close to my sisters but not to my brother.  I think none but our mom knew how much it hurt my brother at times to be left out of my sisters' and my activities and goings-on.

 

As a sexual background, I became a sexual, female-obsessed boy at puberty.  I was typical in that regard.  I, however -- with only one exception -- had absolutely no interest in actually initiating anything with a girl.  Through my sexuality journey I have wondered about this.  "How can I be a heterosexual guy but no be interested in dating women?"  I fell into a relationship at the age of nineteen which lasted two years.  In it, my girlfriend was the dominant force and I filled the less-dominant, feminine role.  My girlfriend and I knew about this; it was a standing joke in our relationship that I was actually a gay guy or a girl.  Much later on when my girlfriend wrote a nice message to my, trying to figure out my transgender situation, she wrote that back when we were together "I never knew if you were male or female but it sure didn't matter to me.  I loved how you were and who you were."

 

In summary, across the time from to now, I went from heterosexual male to wanna-be-gay-guy to feminine male to transwoman and woman, female to more male, less female to genderless male.  I have always been very dichotomic -- until recently I was always two separate people, not one whole person.  I was part male, part female.  Danielle Foswick (or whatever 'her' name was at the time,) and Danny Krill.  So, why did I believe that I was transgendered, a woman in a man's body, and spend eighteen months transition to become a female and woman?  I attribute it partly to my ADHD restlessness.  In fall of 2007, the season before starting on hormones, I was living as male and was thriving.  Literally thriving; it was the best time of my life.  And so I wonder, why did I do it?  But I know.  The primary reason is autogynephilia.  Anatomic autogynephilia that got way, way out of control.  [Author grins.]

 

For more information on anatomic autogynephilia and autogynephilia in general, I highly recommend the reference Transgender Subjectivities: A Clinician's Guide (Jack Drescher, Ubaldo Leli; Informa Health Care, 2004).  The term autogynephilia means "love of oneself as a woman" (p 71) and comes in a variety of types.  Someone (a male) who has anatomic autogynephilia is most turned on by the idea of having a female body, and Ray Blanchard (a researcher of autogynephilia who coined the term) legitimizes it as a possible sexual orientation.

 

"...Some men are most aroused sexually by the idea of having a woman's body, and they are most interested in acquiring a woman's body.  Viewed in this light, the desire for sex reassignment surgery... appears as logical as the desire of heterosexual men to marry wives, the desire of homosexual men to establish permanent relationships with male partners, and perhaps the desire of other paraphilic men to bond with their paraphilic objects in ways no one has thought to observe. (Blanchard, 1991)" (p 72)

 

I learned in my Composition II class last semester about the human nature to categorize and necessity to generalize, as well as the great ability of the mind to believe things that aren't actually true.  Perhaps in other words, tricking the mind, or in my case, fooling myself into believe that I am really a woman.  And I know I succeeded at that goal.

 

I suppose one of the reasons it lasted so long is because, though I absolutely do not want to admit that my dad was right, the female hormones were probably adding to my belief that I am meant to be a woman.  Again, I think the main reason I went so far was because being transsexual and transitioning to become a woman (a fetish of mine since puberty) was a way to keep my "overactive ADHD mind" busy, and I know that I wanted to believe it.  I used things to reason this belief such as my androgynous and feminine personality traits that I've always had.

 

*  *  *

 

As a way of illustrating my route from transwoman to genderless male I will reference many of my diary entries from the last couple months, narrating before most of them.  My diary entries (or, personal narratives) cover a path from that point to now over a number of markers:

 

In school and believing I’m really Ivy A Krill, a young woman;

The depression and craziness of April through June;

The emotional insanity, attacks, and suicidal bouts;

Still believing...;

Wondering if the path is right for me;

Moving on to "more male, less female";

Summer classes of June and July and still believing;

Medications

Finding that I am a healthier and better person as male; and

Thinking back.

 

My hope is that, in reading about my uncommon journey, you will learn at least a fraction of what I have.

 

*  *  *

 

The entries I will be using to create a path across the last several months alternate between discussions attempting to unravel my confusion about myself, and analyses of sex, gender, and society.  The entries I’ve included span from Monday May 11th to the final one of Wednesday, July 22nd night, covering the last three months of my transition – a period of time that, through hardships and deep funk, helped point in the right direction: health and well-being.  My first entry provides a sample of the kind of hopelessness I so often felt during this period of time.

 

 

01 Monday 11 May, My Life, From a Reproductive-Evolutionary Standpoint

 

My name is Ivy Amber Krill and I am a male-to-female transperson; I live as a woman and am mostly female but I still have male genitalia. Compared to living as a guy, I am mostly happy being physiologically and socially female and am doing well now that I am in a kind-of relationship, am in school, and on pro-wellness (anti-anxiety) medication. In addition, I am getting closer to accepting the fact that I am transgendered.

 

However, I am now dealing with "heavy emotions" arising from viewing my life "from a revolutionary viewpoint" -- I am not a man or a woman, and I am sterile. From a reproductive standpoint, I have no reason to exist.

 

What's more, I essentially did this to myself.

 

In truth, however, I would not have been happy as a male, man, father. I know that I was fertile/ virile in the past, and in consequence that my chromosomes are that of a normal male as XY, because four and a half years ago I got my girlfriend pregnant. **The main issue I am dealing with is acceptance of who I am. I have always known that I am neither a man nor a woman; however, throughout my life I have mostly denied this fact and tried to make myself be one or the other, and I always ended up switching back to the other one after a short period of time.

 

I now wonder if I will ever be in a lasting relationship, or even date someone my age. I do tend to be quite idealistic, but still, who would want a serious lasting relationship with a transperson named Ivy who is mostly female/feminine but neither a man nor woman? Of my friends, most of them are transgendered/ transsexual, some of the older, but many of them are single and seem lonely and,... I wonder if I really want my life to be like that. Now that I'm a woman I can't stand being alone.

 

Do I want to live my life as a transwoman, "destined to forever be single," my only friends being other transwomen?

 

Am I being too pessimistic and unrealistic?

 

 

I wrote the next entry during a time when I still identified as a trans-female and woman.  Although I recognized the difference between physical self and psychological self, I see that I completely left out the fact that looks are only a part of attracted mates… which is a surprising oversight, especially for me.  If my identity and my mind were still the same, but my physical appearance radically different, it is a likely possibility that most people would see me as a gay male.  This is regardless of how I actually identify, and is essentially my current situation:  If I identify as male, am primarily attracted to men, and “I love gay men!,” am I a gay man?  According to my opinion, no.  After all, if it has feet like an Indian, hair like an Indian, and clothes like an Indian, it could be just a picture of an Indian.

 

 

02 Friday 15 May, What if My Body were Culturally Masculine?

 

What if my body was very muscular and masculine, like in advertisements? Well...

 

I wouldn't be able to transition because my body would simply be too masculine. And having so much more muscle than I do normally, my cognitive abilities would be vastly different. I could start on hormone therapy if I decided, in order to feel a little bit more like myself, but I would be stuck being a man since I would never be able to pass as a woman, given the irreversible nature of the growth of the skeleton (along with the irreversibility of growth in general); and, to a degree, muscle mass.

 

So I would have to live as a man. Since -- physically, at least -- I would fit this culture's stereotype of an attractive male, my dating possibilities would be greatly increased from what they are now. Psychological factors aside, I would have a much easier time 'picking up women,' but I would have to play the male role -- which is the exact opposite of what comes naturally to me. And being stereotypically masculine I would be likely to attract stereotypical women, and thus my dating would perhaps be more role-archetypal than most dating couples.

 

I would certainly be treated much differently than I am now. According to my research, I would be given the "benefit of the doubt", be privileged simply on my looks and being male. I would not have any influence in communicating my nonconformity ethics/ ideals since I would be ultra-conforming myself.

 

(Depending on how similar my psychological self would be in this scenario...) I wouldn't be able to interact and communicate with women in the way that I can now because I would be nearly the polar opposite of what I currently am. Being able to live as a woman, as a female, to the degree that I am currently able is critical to my well-being, and even to my emotional stability and sanity: Being seen by the world as a man ( -- and having little or no possibility of ever being female enough to pass as a woman -- ) would be profoundly devestating.

 

In summary, given that my identity and memories (cognitive and psychological self) would remain the same, suddenly "being" and living as our culture's image of a man would be a fascinating learning experience only.

 

Sometimes I feel the deep sadness that accompanies wanting to be something I cannot be -- for me, a genetic and natal female -- but I realize that I am lucky to have what I do. Even if being a transsexual woman is only a "kind-of" woman, the female experience is so special and important to me that even being only partially female fills me with a joy and satisfaction that few people know.

 

Ivy Amber

 

 

I’m like some people you’ll meet who are lively, fun, and full of energy, but who behind the scenes have serious issues and obstacles.  This was my female self, especially at a five-day transgender/ transsexual conference I went.  Most of the people I met “feel in love with me,” partly because of my “manic” fun personality I have half the time I’m her, and partly because I was/ am significantly younger than many of the people there, and thus, am “the ideal”; what they wish they could have been.

 

My “behind the scenes” problems included generalized anxiety disorder and ADHD.  I suffered from an overactive mind, and I feel more than anything the following entry speaks from the anxiety that completely blanketed me.  Now, as a “genderless male named Ivy,” I find that actually, many people do and have love(d) me.

 

 

03 Friday 15 May, A Personal Note of Ivy: Doomed to be Single?

 

The age difference between Ken and me is significant. We have been dating -slash- friends since January, so 4 months now. We are very comfortable together and love each other.

 

We are supposed to break up because I need to find someone my age.

 

But I'm a male-to-female mid-transition transsexual. Sure, there's a possibility of me finding someone, but honestly -- what's the chance of someone wanting to be with me? I'm "not real enough" to be with a straight guy, I'm too womanly to be with a gay guy or a straight woman, and I'm not interested in being in a lesbian relationship.  Even though on principle the person's sex doesn't count, but generally.

 

In considering the proposition and eventual necessity, I wonder what I would have done the last four months without Ken. I'm a woman now, and unlike my past self, I am very uncomfortable being alone. Another factor is that not having a significant other means I suddenly have lots of free time I don't know what to do with, and unplanned meals. As a note, I am still not much of a "friends-type person", at least not with people my own age.

 

In terms of being 1) lonely, and 2) bored, what would I have done this semester without him?

 

Will I ever find someone, and what will I do until then?

 

 

Without being tainted by emotions, I wrote this next entry in mid-May about the possibility of being headed in a wrong direction.  I was able to see my situation from a more realistic and rational perspective, but the autogynephilic drive in me to be female was to strong, and as of the day I am writing this I am still on the hormones, even though I am now comfortable with identity as male and would likely be fine without them or on low dosages.

 

 

04 Sunday 17 May, Am I on the Right Path?  Two weeks of Anti-Anxiety Pills 

 

My name is legally Ivy Amber Krill, has been as of April 2nd, and my name is mostly updated at places.

Compared to most of the semester -- particularly April and some of May -- I am in large part "normalized", now having been on a medication for anti-anxiety for about two weeks. I am continuing living as 'Ivy', a transgirl, and over the last month have relaxed how I identify and present.  I no longer force myself to present and aim to pass as female if I'm not feeling as such; I allow myself to dress or act somewhat masculine at times, depending on how I feel. At this point, I am doing quite well and have progressed the past year to the point that I am finishing a semester of college (albeit with only four credits out of an original fourteen), have close friends, am more or less comfortable being 'me' in daily life, and am closer than before to knowing who and what I am.

 

The months before and few into the beginning of hormone therapy (over a year ago), I considered myself a nutritionist. I ate well and I not only cooked but also baked a variety of foods. Since adding estrogen to the regimen and seriously transitioning, I've lost that. It is true I am doing well now, given the circumstances and events of the past year, but I am often somewhat tired and unmotivated.  Perhaps I only feel low on energy recently due to having been ill the past week, but I feel that my now female physiology is the reason why I am low on energy and motivation for things I used to do. (Although, as male I was overall equally unmotivated. Except now I'm in school, but barely in school, and no longer working.)

 

I believe the correlation is accurate. I believe discontinuing transitioning would facilitate my return to those nutritionistic ways -- something I highly value -- and I wonder if I value that pursuit of wellness more than the pursuit of wellness through realignment of my sex-gender.

 

The six months, the fall before beginning the transition, I was at my very best. I was eating well, social, full of energy, optimistic; I was excited living without electricity, I began two jobs and caught up on bills, I was swing dancing, I was becoming more open about who I am. I would not give up my experiences and changes of the past year. But I wonder if I am headed in a direction that will enable wellness in all aspects of my life and facilitate the achievement of my goals

 

 

 

I love dreams!  There is no doubt that I used this dream to help justify my transitioning to become a woman.

 

 

05 Tuesday 19 May, Dream (Still Believing...) 

 

Last night I dreamed that I were switched bodies with a 6th grade girl. Most of the dream took place with me in a 6th grade classroom (in class), ala' my former middle school. The teacher would ask what my name was and I would say 'Danny Krill.' They'd all be confused and concerned. The kids were a bit curious. After a while, from a worksheet, I learned that my name was Sandra. Something like, Sandra Susana.

 

I was somewhat short, a little chubby, but on whole an average 6th grade girl, and average in looks. The dream didn't have any trace of sexual-ness to it at all -- which I'm glad about. Oddly, I didn't think about how Sandra in my body were doing having to go about my daily routine. Later in the dream the teacher said -- I think it went like this -- that Sandra in my body would be taken to a restaurant or somewhere at some point, Sandra's mother would discreetly enter and go by. This was a test to see if Sandra reall were in Danny's body.

 

This dream is priceless to me because in it, I am just a 6th grade girl, without any traces of sexual or philosophical, gender/sex components. I'm just being and in the moment, the day. I also appreciate being in a setting with other students my age.

 

I love dreams. Some in particular, especially so.

 

 

 

My pseudo-news-article “Find His-Her Place” lays the groundwork for my realization of health and well-being over sex and identity… along with, of course, that fact that throughout April and May I had been consistently losing my mind.  My anxiety and instability grew as my ability to function descended from impaired to non-existent.  You’ll see that I vary the pronouns in a way that makes the reader conscious of the gender in writing.

 

 

06 Tuesday 26 May, Finding His-Her Place ('More Male, Less Female')

 

Tuesday 26th May 09.

 

Appleton, WI After having spent a week consistently presenting as a guy with family, among other things, Ivy Amber Krill -- a transgendered individual born as a male with the name Daniel Richard -- is feeling content and interested in living as "more male, less female."

 

Ivy discusses possible contributing factors to her finding resolution in his gender issues. "Perhaps the anti-anxiety medication is playing a role, as well, in my growing acceptance of my maleness. I am finding that more and more -- or, 'less and less" I suppose -- I am losing interest in presenting as a woman. After realizing my limitations in transitioning, I am now finding that presenting as a woman is of increasingly little interest to me." Ivy says she cannot say for certain how he feels about her gender expression or role, but that he can say for certain that identifying and presenting as male is preferable for her. "It is far more comfortable to me than presenting as female," she considers, "Which makes sense, because the reality is, I am male."

 

In truth, the main reason Ivy decided to transition was due to an intense fear of being a target for hate crimes, as an acutely effeminate and womanly male. "I very much feared the constant threat of discrimination and violence I would be subject to if I didn't transition. All along, I was brainwashing myself. My concerns were legitimate, but against principle and truth. Fear should not be a primary factor in decision making."

 

Ivy explained to reporters that she is currently interested in presenting mostly as a guy; however, obstacles complicate the matter: his name is feminine as 'Ivy Amber', and, she will not be able to break certain habits, such as carrying a purse. As well, she plans on not only continuing the hormone therapy but also will continue with the current dosages.

 

Ivy's gender expression remains undecided.

 

"Where this leaves me, I am yet to find out. I hope, however, that I can find a way to be mostly gender conforming without being something I'm not. Attempting to transition has enabled me to make integral realizations, such as, the importance of family and the truth about my identity." Though Ivy is more open-minded and realistic about the possibility of being in-between gendered than she formerly was, he remains hesitant about abandoning the two-gender system.

 

Ivy Amber Krill is now very optimistic about the future and looks forward to being who she is, finally able to move past this time of gender confusion -- a time with thoughts that occupy nearly every waking moment. He says she's proud to be growing into a mature and responsible adult.

 

 

 

In my quest of trying to understand why our culture makes sex and gender so dichotomic, I often joke with statements like “It simply must be this way because otherwise people would have a difficult time spotting potential sex partners.”  I don’t really mean it when I say it, but I wonder to what degree there it is true.  As a transwoman or feminine person who is actually male, I can absolutely feel myself inside a taboo!  I am genitally male, yet I am finding myself juxtaposed in situations that I wouldn’t have naturally been found in – a heterosexual man attracted to a female, and I really do feel in-between the two, in a situation with which I am utterly unfamiliar.  To me, it feels strange being hit on, flirted with by a straight man, as a woman.  Yet I’ve experienced what I feel to be an essence of femaleness, at least in countries like ours:  As a transwoman or feminine male, I have and had guys interested and attracted to me, and I have found myself using my youth, femininity, and perceived beauty for companionship, sensuality, food, and money.  My world of sex, I admit, tends to be juxtaposed.

 

It seems fairly simple that a male is a man and has a masculine name; a female is a woman and has a feminine name.  To me, there seems to be way to many points and hints and signs for sex and gender.  I think we would have no problem “spotting” potential sex partners without many of these signs.  Like names.  When I present as a guy named Ivy, I sometimes (on the phone, for instance) have to or feel a need to clarify that I am transgendered or that “I just have a feminine name.”  If I consider who I actually am, however, it makes sense.  I am a feminine person and I am finding myself more and more comfortable with a feminine name, regardless of the fact that I am male.  Male, where penis = yang = tough, aggressive, emotionless, et cetera.

 

I really do -- I find myself laughing at everything.

 

 

07 Friday 29 May, A Feminine Male Named Ivy?

 

My current thoughts are name and gender ones. Now that I'm comfortable presenting as male, or, as more male than female, can my name by Ivy? I like the name Ivy Amber, but if I'm "no longer a transwoman" and am now essentially a feminine male, which seems to be the case…

 

Should I change my name to Dani, my previous choice? It is gender neutral yet more masculine than feminine, which would fit my apparent new self. Although I would have to point out its spelling often times.

 

Could you imagine a feminine guy named Ivy?

 

 

 

 

08 Sunday 31 May, Observations and Thoughts on Male Privilege

 

Any reader of this note knows that I am transgendered; I was born male and though I wasn't a "man", for purposes of society and politics I was. I lived as male. My thoughts are on male privilege and my experiences living as not a man but a transwoman.

 

In an article titled "How to be better feminists/allies/partners" written for men (male feminists) by Marc and posted May 11 '09 at [http://community.feministing.com/2009/05/how-men-can-be-better-feminist.html], the author describes in one of the points,

 

'Unlike women, most of us have never faced the challenges of denied access, and when we are turned away by certain sects of feminism, the answer isn't to get upset, but to find other avenues that we are welcomed in, and can help. We don't deserve anything, other than being treated like human beings; and as human beings, we each have our own privileges, so there's no pouting when a less privileged group denies us access.'

 

I am finding that one element of male privilege is expecting to be welcome anywhere. For example, Kate Bornstein writes in Gender Outlaw, in part quoting someone else, that many transwomen expect to be welcome in feminist groups and insist on being accepted as a woman. The author she quotes comments something as: the first thing they could use is a good dose of [humility].

 

In considering this idea that's new to me, I realize that I expected to be accepted as female, as a woman, and expected -- at times demanded -- acceptance in female-only or female-dominated spaces. I think about my former male self, men, and realize that women don't have the "welcome anywhere" type privilege that men have.

 

While I have been identifying as female and as a woman, my experiences are not of a female and woman, but rather, experiences of a transgender woman -- and female-like, woman-identifying transperson. That said... 

 

I realize that in the beginning (first six to nine months) of my presenting primarily as a woman, I was very... male, in the way that I expected and practically demanded to be accepted as a female and woman. I realize now how young / naive / un-enlightened I was. And I think I did expect to be welcome anywhere; welcome by women in women-only spaces. I see now that I will not be accepted or respected by everyone; that there are and will be places that I can't go or won't be safe at.

 

I need to remember that male privilege is "not the norm"; male privilege is a favoritism towards males existing and directed simply because of the person’s sex as male; not earned.

 

I imagine my experiences, being of living as a transsexual person, are however similar to those of a born-female woman. One of my biggest problems is employment. In this regard, I'm not any better off identifying as neither male nor female. I wonder... who would hire a mid-transition transwoman? Or, who would hire a feminine male / androgyny named 'Ivy'?  It is true that I haven't feverishly been in search of work, but nonetheless, I know that my concerns are unfortunately reality.

 

On the rare occasions that I present as male (and actually and interpreted as a relatively conventionally-gendered male), I realize something very notable: People -- cashiers, sales associates, and to a degree kids at school -- are infinitely more likely to greet me warmly, make small talk, smile -- even if I'm in a "blah" or straight-face mood!

 

I feel that I can tell the difference between someone "knowing" I'm trans or interpreting me as female. Particularly in guys.  Unfortunately, males are very unlikely to accept me as a woman and very hesitant to interact with me in any way, knowing of my being transgendered.

 

Do I have to live "in a constant state of fear," in the sense that women are weary out at night, in parking structures, etc? I have a sort of always-at-least-in-the-back-of-my-mind fear or awareness that a male who initially interprets me as being a natal female but later learns of my trans-ness is likely to be at least cold and hateful; probably abusive; and even violent.

 

I wonder why men are so violent towards women they later learn are trans. Particularly in dating/ romantic situations.

 

My family, my parents, are sexist. My mom has always clearly regarded my brother and I as much more important and worthy than my (five) sisters; it was obvious. At times she was even direct about it. Probably just a coincidence, but it seems that, since I've told my mom (over a year ago) of the fact that I am transgendered and wish to transition, she has frequently engaged outtings of her and her five daughters and display lovely photos of her with them on Facebook. And I feel left out. Rightly so, perhaps, for the sake of my learning what male privelage is and shedding it.

 

Sometimes I'll clearly experience male privilege and be disgusted and slightly angry at it.

 

I wonder if I'm experiencing the opposite of male privilege during some occasions when my boyfriend consoles me holding me and rubbing my shoulder, and it makes me feel like I'm incapable and prone to personal problems and emotionality, as if I'm inferior. Not every time he consoles me, only sometimes. Or, it could be that sometimes I feel male.

 

In summary, I am still unclear on the elements of male privilege, but believe some examples include -- and some of these are probably example of sexism rather than of m.p.:

-Being more likely to be promoted in his career after a period of time with the employer;

-Being assumed to be capable and knowledgeable, such as shopping at a hardware or electronics store

-Men have an easier time getting a job

-It is (probably) more accepted for a man to live a lone, do things alone, than a woman

-In marriage, a woman (doesn't have to) but is expected to take the man's last name

-In a couple, if one has to quit their job, it is assumed that the woman will quit

-Women taking maternity leave from a job, have a hard time not feeling guilty for doing so

-For a heterosexual married couple, some mail arrives addressed as to "Mr and Mrs. John Smith."

-People don't attribute a man's actions or moods to his physiology/ hormones (generally speaking).

-Men are objectified significantly less than women and are seen as more active, more contributing

 

 

 

 

09 Sunday 31 May, Perceived versus Actual Gender Equality

 

From online article titled "What is male privilege?" posted March 11 2007 by tigtog

 

'[T]rue gender equality is actually perceived as inequality. A group that is made up of 50% women is perceived as being mostly women. A situation that is perfectly equal between men and women is perceived as being biased in favor of women.

 

And if you don’t believe me, you’ve never been a married woman who kept her family name. I have had students hold that up as proof of my “sexism.” My own brother told me that he could never marry a woman who kept her name because “everyone would know who ruled that relationship.” Perfect equality – my husband keeps his name and I keep mine – is held as a statement of superiority on my part.'

 

-[Lucy, When Worlds Collide: Fandom and Male Privilege.]

 

...This is an example of a culture of male privilege — where a man’s position and feelings are placed above that of the woman’s in a way that is seen as normal, natural, and traditional.'

 

 

 

I didn’t like that I fell victim to being a watcher.  It’s probably needless-to-say that my sexuality is very complicated!  I remember years ago thinking of myself as “bi-heterosexual,” because, as I put it, “I’m a man attracted to women, and a woman attracted to men.”  And I have also identified as bi-gendered, meaning that I have two selves I like to express.  My sexuality is complicated because my gender is indefinable.  I may meet many of the prerequisites of a gay male, but I do not feel like a gay guy.  And also as I have mentioned earlier, from puberty onwards I was preoccupied with the female form.  Objectification, unfortunately, seems to be what maleness is all about.  It may be necessary for sexual reproduction to work.  Or maybe it’s just chance.

 

 

 

10 Sunday 31 May, The Male Gaze: Watcher or Watched

 

from "What is the male gaze" (the same site as above)

 

'...the introduction of the term “the male gaze” can be traced back to Laura Mulvey and her essay “Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema” which was published in 1975. In it, Mulvey states that in film women are typically the objects, rather than the possessors, of gaze because the control of the camera (and thus the gaze) comes from factors such as the assumption of heterosexual men as the default target audience for most film genres. While this was more true in the time it was written, when Hollywood protagonists were overwhelmingly male, the base concept of men as watchers and women as watched still applies today, despite the growing number of movies targeted toward women and that feature female protagonists.'

 

A related note, after reading more of the article:

 

Indeed. The last 2 weeks or so I have been thinking about the seeker verses the sought; or in the article, the 'watcher' versus the 'watched'.

 

 

 

I used to joke, “What if I told my psychotherapist that I’m transitioning because, I have nothing else to do, and heck, why not-?” 

 

11 Tuesday 16 June, Wrong Reasons to Transition

 

A. Autogynephilia (sexual fetish)
B. Doubting one's gender because of one or more failed relationships
C. Bored and need something to do
D. Confusing sexual orientation with gender identity
E. To lower or eliminate sex drive (for M2Fs)
F. Afraid of one's homosexuality
G. Wanting to get closer to the other sex
H. Because of enjoying crossdressing
I. In an attempt to lengthen one's lifespan (for M2Fs)
J. Out of fear of living as a feminine male / masculine woman, your true self

 

 

 

I actually don’t remember, at the moment, that by late May I was starting to already get a sense that I was in truth male.  As a note, one of the most important things I’ve learned is that when a person says [they] are male or a person says [they] are female, it should not necessarily cue us to a list of personality assumptions that we make without even knowing we are doing it.  That is, in revealing the fact that I am male (at least, in the broadest or most basic sense), I am merely indicating that I was born with a body whose goal is to take the male role in sexual reproduction.  Certainly there are things that can be generalized or said, such as, my body being on average more muscular, my mind being more analytical and objectifying of the opposite sex, but as a whole I believe that gender equality and freedom equals a disconnection of bodily sex from gender expression and role.  Using myself as an example, I should not have to worry about where I go or the people I will be around; I should not have to worry about “being hate-crimed” or “being killed” for being a feminine male.

 

We are talking in theoretics and ideals.

 

 

12 Sunday 5 July, Classes and Identities Thoughts 

 

I finished (barely) a semester at UW Fox Valley and am taking two classes this summer - women's studies 101 and Human Reproduction / Development -- doing better but still struggling to keep up, amid personal changes and issues.  My name is still Ivy Amber Krill and I am still on the hormones.  I seem to finally be feeling "normal", due to having a not-as-low testosterone level; I am also closer to a solution about my gender -- I am perhaps a cross among a gay man, lesbian, and heterosexual woman.  I am in the process of moving out and am living with Ken now.  I made Dani/ny-Approved meals today and am doing quite well.  [Note: 2 days on, one day off with the estrodial.]  My classes are challenging but I love the material.  For WOM101, I am reading The Price of Motherhood by Anne Crittenden and it has cultivated new thoughts in me.  I realize a dilemma:  What does a parent do who opts not to work in order to be a better parent, but does not want to be financially dependent on someone?

 

From the book -- men need to learn that having children is an ongoing, big responsibility and lowers their future freedom.

 

I don't know how long I'll live with Ken or where we'll move, but I'm not worried nor thinking about it.  I feel that I am closer to a healthy state; closer to abandoning ADHD-type restlessness.

 

Bed time.  School tomorrow!

 

 

 

All I really need to say before this next excerpt is that I wish there was more variance and more uniquely gendered people like me.

 

13 Tuesday 7 July, Gender Nonconformity Enforcement Laws 

 

"New Gender-Nonconformity Enforcement Laws"

 

What if there were laws enforcing people to abandon social norms and gender norms; laws demanding people to at least try?  We would make the new law work for the silly hierarchal, gender-dichotomic Americans through such incentives as tax cuts, increased status...

 

My proposal (in the next paragraphs) is similar to and in part influenced by a reference to the "woman-identified woman" concept, originally "appearing in an essay [of the same name] by the Radicalesbians in 1970" <referenced to in The Testosterone Files, Max Wolf Valerio, p. 50>.  This concept held that a woman could do, live, look, be however she wanted and would still be a woman, defeating the "trying to be a man" [argument] that some use (or, would use) against masculine women.

 

What about "man-identified man?"

 

Maybe I or someone is male and carries a purse (nor a "manbag" or "murse", but a purse), wears whatever he wants or whatever is practical, takes on roles traditional of the opposite sex -- but this person is still a man simply because they say they are.

 

Such a person, confidently non conforming and self-identified, could be the beginning of a movement to destroy the patriarchy's power!

 

Going further what if...

--Carries a purse with pride
--Has a female-like / androgynous voice
--Commonly sports an earring in both ears and some makeup
--Embraces femaleness and androgyny
--Has a feminine name
...AND identifies as a man?  A male person could be however he wishes and he would still be a man simply because he identifies as one.

 

Note the use of the conjunction "and": ..."expresses many womanly and typically female characteristics and identifies as a man," rather than "...but identifies as a man."

 

Imagine:

 

Gender   __ Male  __ Female  __ Androgyny  __ Mixed  __ None

 

For me, I hear often that I should just forget about my gender and move on.  To which I would respond, "but I have to know how I'll dress and how I'll identify before I got out in the world!"  But maybe the advice is right.  I should look to my own values, ethics, and principles.  I uphold that it would be wrong to not choose a certain path simply because it would be difficult, that a different path would be easier or better or more convenient.

 

Actually spelling it out like that, it seems surprisingly fundamental.

 

I should have known for much longer that I do not have a sex nor gender!  I have been avoiding being my true self because...

 

--> What bathroom will I use? -- How many places have a one-person facility?

 

--> What pronouns will people use?  ("They" is confusing when used for one person; "ze" and "hir" are still mostly unknown.)

 

My goal has to be reclaiming my well-being and functioning ("feeling normal" again).

 

Such a non-categorized, non-identifying identity can easily be overwhelming just to think about.

 

... What will I wear?
... What voice will I use?
... How will I identify?
... Who will I allow myself to be attracted to?

 

I am yet to understand why having neither a sex nor gender is such a problem.

 

--> Wear whatever you want
--> Use "a" voice that's comfortable
--> Identify as human, as a student, etc
--> Just "be"!  Trust me.

 

 

 

In my story, an important thing to know is the continuance of female presentation.  Probably all along, but from approximately the end of May I was starting to find myself to be a better person as a male, yet, I continued presenting as female throughout the duration of my summer classes.  Why, when I by that time knew that it was not me?  Perhaps because I had gone to the first class as a woman and so from that point had to continue in the same way through to the last class period.  At times I made it a game, a job, “Time to be a woman,” but overall I was still struggling into June and July.  I was supposed to be doing better and believed I was, but my gender was still a problem and in the summer class which met in person (the other was an online class) I did almost none of the course work.  Trapped in my female identity, while sitting in class I often times wanted to shrink and disappear out of the room, away from them all…  I couldn’t bear to be seen by anyone, and a small dark empty room would have been much more suffice.  When I found myself feeling like that, most of the time I felt better if I “turned into a guy again.”

 

14 Monday 13 July, Another Student's Comment and Still Believing... 

 

....

Becca (from school, two Spring 09 classes) chatted with my Monday before class.  The message I get from her is that I need to be "one or the other" because otherwise people won't know how to interact with/ approach me.

 

So I guess I'll be a woman.

 

 

 

15 Wednesday 22 July, Male and Female Selves: Thinking Back

 

I remember when I was male.  Being able to think about it now, as a pseudo-female, a transwoman, is invaluable (priceless) for the perspective it provides.  I remember being male.

 

I would move furniture and work on my car and go on long bike rides.  I remember enjoying my muscularity, feeling strong.  I highly valued independence and self-sufficiency.  Very much.  I still worked back then, striving to pay my bills, my number one goal was practically to not become dependent.  I was minimally social; I could only be around people for a certain amoung of time before needing to be alone.  I was skilled interacting with adults but -- with peers?  In some ways, my social maturation was very late. 

Though I was male and thriving fall 2007 (i.e. I was working full time at a job I liked and started working two jobs; I was becoming a nutritionist; I was into swing dancing and saw having no electricity as a fun experience), I feel like I was going through puberty for the first time, that I was only first an adolescent when is tarted on transgender hormone therapy.  I never felt young before!  I have half-seriously recalled feeling old during most of my life / my teen years...  At my last birthday and counting money in a card, I exclaimed, "Fifteen -- my emotional age!"  And my brother added, "Hey, I didn't say it!"  The change in me -- the femininity and, frankly -- "12-year-old-girl-ness" -- was quite obvious...  To some family members, alarming and disturbing.  To me?  Wonderful.

 

Being especially energetic and silly can be frowned upon, especially in a male.  This is a huge point that I've learned!  And smiling to much as a guy is seen as strange, unusual, something to be weary of.  But feeling like a preteen, a girl, and later on a maturing young woman, was sheer joy.

After a year and a half of transitioning {(as I put it in a recent entry), "to become only one part of me"}, I am starting to experience some maleness and relax my gender presentation and identity.

 

 

16 Thursday 30 July, What is it Like Being a Pseudo-Female? 

 

From the perspective of a temporarily male-to-female transsexual person, what is being a woman, female, like?

It's wonderful!

 

The first thing I noticed was a great sense of relief.  Great joy and euphoria like I've never felt before!  For the first time in my life I was relaxed, happy, pleased, content; at times, full of joy, in fact.  That was (particularly) in the beginning.  I noticed that I was feeling more feminine -- I was more tactile; something I really enjoyed.  At work (fast food place) I kept a bundle of napkins near my station that I would hug a lot of the time, and I started (and still) sleep with a small knit blanket or scarf, to function as a stuffed animal.  It's hard to sleep without it!

 

I remember first noticing my aggression was different:  One time at work, I suddenly became very angry, "bubbling", but in a moment was completely relaxed and calm again.  As male, I would be "shaking" for quite a while afterwards.  Later on, my moods and emotionality would increase to the point of near-borderline personality disorder and near-bipolar, my problems and instability increasing to the point of several hospitalizations, depression, and chronic suicidal thoughts.  I became a cutter.

 

 

17 Monday 18 May, Comparison of Past and Future Selves 

 

 

To anyone who may read this, note that this is essentially a 'blog'. Diary entry.

 

From the standpoint of my current (mid-May '09) self I am...

 

Social; not content being independent and alone. Less interested in sex; male sex drive greatly diminished, transformed in large part into a more female sexuality. Sensuality.

 

Moody: prone to fluctuations of very happy and excitable to very lethargic, depressed, low. I am more likely (than my past self) to defend myself; I am more likely to be assertive. Or 'bitchy'. More likely to make myself heard.

 

Often self-conscious. Insecure. Now, my appearance - how I feel about myself, how I feel I look - GREATLY influences my mood for the day.

 

At times, much hungrier than before and love of eating and crabs and sweets. At other times, less dependent and interested in food.

 

More likely to cry, weep -- but only in certain situations or from a certain mixture of incidents. Movies, sentimental situations, bearing illness.

 

Comfortable being around the same person or people on a consistent basis...

 

When I was still working, ended up having to quit due to emotional disorders. Uncontrollable.

 

Less anxious in the sense of cleanliness, etc. "Anti-OCD" or "the opposite of OCD."

 

Before starting on anti-anxiety medication: Problems with suddenly erupting emotionality, commonly involving sudden violent outbursts but feeling normal immediately before and after.

 

More people-smart. I am more in-tune to others' emotions, body language and facial expressions -- non-verbal cues. I am more interested in people and--

 

I seem to be MUCH more talkative!

 

I am not as good at spelling. I may be even better at visualization; I may be more auditory, and I may have less ability in math.

 

My hearing has changed. My hearing seems to be better: I notice "extraneous" sounds and am more likely to turn my head or be bothered by a noise or sound from outside, far away.

 

I am more detail-oriented and more appreciative of small things.

 

I am overall more calm, relaxed, content, accepting.

 

*  *  *

Many of the characteristics listed above of my current self cue the opposite characteristic that I showed as male. Listed are some elements of my past, male self:

 

More sexual in thought and practice. (quantitative.)

 

More likely to need to be alone after being around people (i.e. job, school, family) all day.

 

Far less social; not people-smart at all compared to my new self.

 

Much less talktative; less interested in social dynamics.

 

Overall, appearance was less of an issue for my and was far less influential.

 

Less likely to communicate my opinion, be assertive.

 

Definitely more interested in healthy eating; nutritionistic ways.

 

More likely to be physically active, such as, biking.

 

Again, content being by myself.

 

Not interested in dating.

... ... 

 

 

 

18 Wednesday 22 July, Ivy Krill? She's Just One Part of Me

 

 "Daniel Krill, Ivy Krill...

Daniel Richard Krill,
Ivy Amber Krill,
Dani Ivy Krill,
Danny Krill..."

 

Today is Tuesday 21st July 2009 and it's been a great day for me. I was very functional! I made two meals, did a load of laundry, went to NWTC and did things I need to do for admissions, and worked on school for a while later (while I was waiting for my nails to dry). :o) I have been on Abilify (an anti-psychotic) on a considerably low dose for 2 weeks and feel it may not be having much of an impact on me, since I was starting to feel functional and healthy before starting on it, and recently I've had a few bad stress-outs.

 

"Danivia Richamber Krill...
Ivydani Amberich Krill,
Ivydani Richardamber Krill,
Ivydani Krill..."

 

Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist and I am excited-anxious about starting on ADHD medication! I know it will help me a lot because, in summary, my mind is overactive. And this has been a huge problem since I was like age four. I strongly believe that ADHD medication will help me reach my goal of becoming a functioning, successful adult. (And by successful I mean approximately, having the ability to accomplish the goals I set.)

 

I am becoming more comfortable with the idea of being male. I have short hair now, but regardless I was presenting (key word presenting) as a woman today at NWTC (the area technical college) and at one point someone used "he" and "him" for me when I was having trouble printing from the computer I was using. How did I react and feel? I remember in the past having stormy thoughts, such as, "Uh, hello?," while waving at myself dumbfoundedly, "Do I not look like I'm at least TRYING to look like a woman!?"

 

This time, the 'he' and 'him' didn't bother me. I suppose it actually helped me to relax.

 

Lately I've been non-chalantly asking while around the house, half to myself, "I wonder why I'm crazy." The why-am-I-trying-to-be-a-girl question that is so difficult for me to explain and understand. But now, things are changing. I suppose it's my goals and priorities.

 

I think all the 'emotional insanity' and inability-to-function episodes and issues over the last approximately nine months have been a major contributing factor towards my current direction, this much-needed positive change, probably along with my experiencing of my body and sexuality as 'completely female' -- impossible-to-articulate feelings and thoughts of the experiences after discovering my body to be (or, seeing my body as), (aside from my male genitals which appear utterly juxtaposed), completely female. Having a female body was an indescribable thing for me. Not necessarily all euphoria, joy, and relief. In trying to grab at the goings-on of my mind in those personal self-discovery situations of sensuality and sex, I would say that in my pre- or un- conscious lie a string of 'having cheated'; a tad of knowing that I'd gone too far -- not too far for the immediate moment of unrelenting sexual anguish and drive, but certainly too far for the sake of my well-being in who I truly am.

 

My current debate is this: To a post-gender, idealistic, other-worldly individual like myself, what does gender mean? What is the reality of the situation; what gendering will I choose? [i.e. post-trans man, transman-esque genetic guy, enlightened and new-age-ish man, feminine "straight" or "gay" male; a cross between a lesbian and a gay male...]

 

Ideally, I do not have a gender. I do not have a gender! I know this now, and I know that gender is a system of identification and categorization. I have grown to accept and love my non-categorized identity. Ideally. Ideally. I wear whatever I feel like wearing, or whatever is practical at the time -- skirts during the summer which are comfortable in hot weather; men's "dorky" briefs or male swimming trunks because they're comfortable and I'm no longer interested in pretending like I have female genitalia; men's clothing if I'm cold in the evening or "feeling butch"... Makeup if I want to express a certain kind of femininity... or a hidden darkness. Playing with gender. "We're so sure of our ability to categorize people as either men or women that we neglect to ask ourselves some very basic questions: what is a man? what is a woman? and why do we need to be one or the other?" (Gender Outlaw (Vintage Books of Random House), Kate Bornstein. p. 55)

 

Without having barely started the previous paragraph you knew what the next one, this one, would be about. Yes, of course I am living in a gendered world and it is in my opinion and from my personality that I feel a genderless or gender transgressive, or other beyond-dichotomy person, must make many compromises, essentially in order to be safe. The "in order to be safe" clause is against my former principles, but I feel that partially compromising who I am for the sake of lowering my risk of being killed in a hate crime and increasing my chances of success in gendered social institutions is of to everyone's benefit. If I play by the rules enough to get along, I both have less of a chance of being a victim of some sort and thus will be around longer and will also be less held back in places such as school and employment. The key is having more opportunity for having a positive impact on the world. I sense I am touching a deep, complicated subject now. One which I didn't so much used to delve in -- or at least, wasn't conscious of before: morals and ethics.

 

You know, those required classes at tech schools and liberal arts colleges you dread upon seeing the name. :o)

 

I attribute my personal growth and the joy of it partly from circumstance and experience and partly from medication: an anti-anxiety medication, and certainly the transgender (feminizing) hormone therapy, which over the last 18 or so months has worked to bring me closer to who I am, but more importantly, has brought me an incredibly profound and unique view and has enlightened me through the countless pains, joys, and happinesses of my transitioning to become someone who is only one part of me.

 

"[In italics] There's no way. Being a transsexual is the worst thing to be. The most difficult, the most absolutely shameful, difficult path. [End italics] ....Yet the weirdest thing was the excitement" (The Testosterone Files (Seal Press) by Max Wolf Valerio, p. 77).

 

My legal names, Daniel Richard Krill and Ivy Amber Krill? I look at them, wondering what my new name will be. I have realized only recently -- late, it may seem -- that these are two people who are only parts of one person. The maleness of Daniel Richard Krill who was never real; the beauty of Ivy Amber Krill, a dream I've had for so long. I know now that I am a diverse person, and it is only due to the gendered, sexist, and dichotomic categorizing world we live in that we believe we are each one particular, definable person-personality and that certain figaments within us -- interests and natural tendencies that don't fit into the norms of the label we have been place in -- don't belong; as if there are parts of all of us that are contradictory to who we are. Too theoretical and abstract? To be more specific, for just one example, take persons like myself who are "supposed to be male," "supposed to be a brother, son," etc, who also have desires we label as homosexual and other desires labeled as transgender or transsexual.

 

Though I haven't read the book, I agree in part with some of Janice Raymond's ideas in her well-known and controversial "The Transsexual Empire" (referenced to in The Testosterone Files, p. 81):

 

"Raymond postulated that all transsexuals were dupes of the patriarchy, 'mutilating' their bodies in order to live out stereotyped sex roles instead of changing those roles through a rigorously applied program of radical feminism."

 

Ideals. Her principle of changing the community we live in and be "true" to who we are instead of changing ourselves is one I absolutely agree with. As I discussed earlier, however, I now feel that some reality needs to be balanced in, depending on the person. I am often curious at how my gender has always been issue while other people seem to "fit right in."

 

* * *

 

It order to facilitate the unpredictable changes of my identification and presentation, I'm due for a second name change. I love the name Ivy Amber Krill but she is only part of who I am and sometimes I like to be a guy. So how about 'Dani Krill'? With the middle name 'Ivy' thrown in. I figure it's best I be prepared. ;o) 

 

 

19 Wednesday 22 July Night, Genderless Male Named Ivy 

 

I suppose in a way, I have a lot of freedom.  In being "genderless," there are no norms, no expectations, no conventions to have to adhere to like there are with male-man and female-woman.

 

I don't care enough for the name "Dani" to have it be my name, and "Danny" is too masculine or something for me now, while a name like "Ivydani" is too exotic.  I am finding myself to be male: male in concept, in actuality, but overall in-between and a bit closer to male than I was before.  The big news is my recent self-identification as male.  (Meaning, by the way, only that I am genitally male and XY with a small share of some of the male-type characteristics to go with it.)  I never, never before had identified as male; a possible or to-be man.

 

I think I'll keep the name Ivy.  I like how it looks.  I'll be a genderless male named Ivy.  Yes, that's it!

 

A genderless male named Ivy Krill.

 

So I have spent a year and a half transition to become a spirited, intelligent, caring, and emotionally troubled young woman named Ivy Amber Krill, having been male before and declared male at birth -- and now I am NOT "going back" to being male;  I am becoming something new:  A genderless male named Ivy Krill, (or some deviation thereof).  My journey is what it is and from the beginning, I knew whatever outcome I found myself in would be a positive one.  A win-win opportunity.  For example, finding myself to be relieved, satisfied, and happy in ways never before possible as a (trans)woman, (pseudo)female; or, rediscover a male identity and both put to rest the troubling obsessions with femaleness and unravel some of the mystery of sex and gender.

 

Thinking about it all now, the meaning of the journey I sought out and everything it's brought me, I'm a bit speechless.  All I can do is grin.  And smile.  Recently visiting my family in Hartford, I commented to my favorite sister that I now feel the same as I did pre-transition, except that now I'm on six medications.  We both looked at me and Heidi said that the drugs make me more stylish.

 

*  *  *

 

In becoming a self that is less female, slightly more male than before, and genderless, I worry that those who knew me as Ivy a young maturing transwoman will be disappointed or put-off in learning that I am leaving their trans-community and, heck, leaving gender.

 

Some of my close friends, acquaintances, and admirers are transpeople, almost all of them transwomen.  Due to the nature of being born male and transsexual, most who transition to become women -- an identity they feel to be closer to their true self -- start the transition process later on: often their 40s, 50s.  And even beyond.  Being only twenty-four, it is for this reason that there is a tendency for me to be seen as ideal, as lucky; they see me as completely passable and needing "no work" done: As a transwoman, I am/ was the model of what they wish they could be.  But unlike the genius who works as a janitor or clerk rather than taking advantage or her/ his abilities, I certainly should not transition solely for their sake, those envious of me, if not mine <movie, Good Will Hunting>.  Nor should I transition to gain admiration and publicity in the trans community.  That actually sounds like an odd way or getting or reclaiming male privilege!

 

Almost without exception, anyone who had known me at all as my former self (as male) will be happy to see me living as male; and unfortunately changing sex or having any kind of identity is one thing but having an inconsistent gender seems to be very much another.  I have found that people are generally not comfortable with a person whose gender expression literally fluctuates between and across the male and female and among, and in-between.  I admire those few who continue using feminine pronouns for me without exception, despite my now often "lesbian appearance"!  On the note of "returning to maleness," some of my family do seem enlightened -- comfortable with my femininities in appearance -- because they have witnessed and learned the importance of priority of mental and psychological health over the aesthetic.

 

So I wonder if I will lose my friends or lose some of the admiration, interest, respect from others when I let out the news of my new identity as male more than female.  I now can see taht my problem is the expectations attached to being male, not male itself!  My distaste is with the connotations attached to it, the set of images and concepts that instantly appear in one's mind when hearing or saying or witnessing the word; it is that I do not want to be forced into an identity.  I do not want my gender to be governed.  As Kate Bornstein commented in GENDER OUTLAW, "I never hated my penis; I hated that it made me a man" (p. 47).  In most cases, feminine-dressed males and masculine-attired females can still be recognized for their gender; I do not believe dichotomic sexgender regulations (norms) are necessary for continuation-of-the-species nor for the well functioning of human communities.  The issue seems to be limiting: categorization, a human tendency; and generalization, a human nature that is, only to a degree, absolutely necessary.  Feeling shame and guilt for one's nature, inclinations, and personality is NOT necessary.

 

And so, in being a person of principles and ideals, whatever negative consequences large or small that arise from my being myself are what they are.  I wish for more people to not hear, not be told or know, but EXPERIENCE and DISCOVER what I have: Truth is worth much more than we know.  I am not worried about how I may be judged or discriminated against asa  genderless male (primarily attracted to other gender-unique males), because I know they probably haven't been through or learned what I have.

 

Now, whenever I'm stared at or disrespected, I can smile to myself.

 

I am enlightened.

 

 

danifoswick@gmail.com