Mood:  down

 My name is Brandi Beckwith and I am Matthew's Mamma, I was 15 when my son was born, I lived with my mom for a while until I moved out and into Faith Homes in Tacoma, There I lived for 5 months, until one day his father decided he wanted to see Matthew for the weekend, so I sent him to see his father, they asked if they could keep him for a while longer, for his great grandmother was coming into town, and i agreed for a couple more days, but they never returned my son to me, therefor i got kicked out of the program and was left homeless, I went to court to get my son back and I did, the judge agreed to weekly visitations between his father and I, so i moved back to Bremerton to make things easier on the fathers side to see his son, that lasted for two weeks before he did not want Matthew anymore, the lady i was staying with, we got into to many dissagreements so i moved out and went to Kristi and Rob Werners' house, the lady had called my sons GAL <Gardian Ad Lidam, and told her we were homeless and therefor my safty plan went into action, even though i was not homeless....hmmm, at the time I was only 16 I did not know what was going on,  just that this lady was on the phone telling me I  had to give my son to his paternal grandparents, I did not know what to do, If I did not obey she said I would be arrested, and I did not want that to happen, She said after three months of proving I can live stable I could have my son back, I went to my mom and we had a long talk about how things needed to change if I move back in with her, we found the perfect three bedroom, after that I got my visitations with Matthew, whom at the time was only a year and 6 months, he did not know what was going on, he just thought it was another weekend at grandpa's, but soon he figured he was not coming home to Mommy anymore, and when that happened he freaked out everytime he saw me, when it was time for him to go he would scream and yell "NO MOMMA" and "PLEASE MOMMA, I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU!!!" I cried everytime I had to give him back to them, my heart just broke into a million pieces, I was not whole anymore, after three months of proving i can be stable, i called the GAL and asked her when I can have him back, she told me I had to prove for six months now before I can have him, which I did, so going on six months with out my son (who would still scream and cry when he had to leave me) I called the GAL back again, still in a stable home, she said to me "When are you going to understand your NOT going to get Matthew back, I became a GAL for cases such as these." I asked her what she ment by "Cases such as these..." she responded with "When i was a little girl growing up i was very poor, and i dont think children should be in poor low income homes, so its my job to place them in the wealther side of the familys so they dont have to grow up like i did." I was shocked! I was Astounded by the words i was hearing coming from this woman's mouth!!! She was not at all going for the "best intrests" of my son. Granted yes the Lessings made much more money then i could have ever dreamed of making, but that does not matter, money should not matter in cases like mine, only the child, what would make the child happy? Not the mother...not the grandparents...but the child, everyone was so focused on themselves, and on getting what they wanted, but was I the only one that was able to see my childs pain? the look of hurt and confusion in his eyes....
  
 I found a lawyer and went to court on this matter, after three months of looking through my court papers, he sat me down and told me their should be no matter of why i could not have my son. The year and a half i had Matthew two cases were opened against me with CPS, both times someone came to my house and had nothing bad to say about me or the way matthew was being taken care of, they said: Matthew always had fresh milk in the fridge, he always has cereal and snacks in the cubord, he always had a fresh diaper on, no stinky ones laying around, nothing in the crib that would harm him, and always had clean and aproperate sized clothing, BOTH TIMES!! He promised me that i would win and should have matthew back in my arms in a matter of months. During this time period Erich and Amy Lessing came to me and my mother and informed us they were moving to Texas, I did not approve, I told my lawyer, who told the judge, who told the lessings they have to stay in washington until everything was over, so erich and his boys and amys kids moved to texas while amy and Matthew stayed here.
 
 In August of 2006, Amy decided to give up and let me have my son back, FINALLY i thought the fight was over and my son was coming home, where he should have been for the last year, we started the transitional visitation on the weenend, the first weekend I had him overnight for saturday and sunday, the next, friday, saturday and sunday, and the next friday-monday, and that was the weekend that ruined it all, on friday i was bathing matthew before bathtime, when i noticed a burn mark on his arm, to me it looked like a cigarette burn,(which my mother and I do smoke, but we smoked outside and never around matthew) but i did not know when or where he could have gotten it, so i asked him, he told me that a bumblebee did it, i knew that was not possible so i kept trying to get it out of him, but he stuck with the bumblebee, i let it go figuring since it looked as though it had already blistered and popped, that it was old and Amy knew about it, the burn did not look bad at all, so i put some neosporin and a bandaid on it, so i didnt say anything, which i shouldnt have done, I admit now that i should have called her right away, but i just wanted to enjoy my son being home, on monday when we met at Denny's to switch back, She called me hysterical and mad saying that I did that to matthew and i was never going to see him again, she took him to a doctor and the doctor just dignosed it as a 2mm circular burn on his arm, Amy took that to her lawyer and i was not allowed to see matthew anymore, I later found out they took matthew to a psychiatrist, and that matthew told the pshchiatrist that it happened at papa's house (which is matthews paternal step-grandfather) whom also smokes, and so does his father who lived there at the time of this happening, His father also had a serious drug problem then, both of us had a number of unannounced drug tests thoughout this custody battle, all mine came clean, all his were dirty. so it could have quite possibaly happened there.

 Soon after the burn incident, we had another court date, they called this one the "adequate cause hearing" which was held to give the Lessings a chance to show all the evidence they had to prove i was "unfit" to be a mother to matthew. They showed their evidence and the Judge did not see that any of the evidence was anything other then a young mother trying her best to raise a child, and dismissed it.
 My lawyer told me with that being, that i for sure would get matthew back, as they did not have anything on me that i could not handle him being back with me. I was a good mother and I had shown them proof from alot of family and friends that i had grown up and matured alot since my son was born, I was in good terms "Matthews Mother". I dont know what happened but shortly after that, all our court dates kept getting postponed, my lawyer said that the judge saw it fit to take the jail proceedings first, which got me, Hmmm why is he taking those first? whats more important?...letting those people go back to jail or back on the streets or placing a two year old where he belongs?...but nobody could answer that for me, Finally in June of 2007 I showed up for the hearing which i thought was going to be the one where both parties were going to be able to place their last words and the judge would go into his chambers and mull the last two years over then decide, but when i arrived my lawyer ran over to me and said i needed to get in their quick because they were deciding the parenting plan... I asked him what parenting plan? and he said the judge had already made his decision and was letting the lessings have custody of my son, My heart felt as though someone had ripped it right out of my chest and put it in a blender with broken glass and started it. I ran into the court room where the judge was waiting,  i was crying asking him...why? Why after two years, you have nothing against me, but he said she said stuff and lies that you asked them to back up but they couldnt! why are you giving my son to them after all this? his response to me was "im sorry miss. Beckwith but matthew has been with them for two years, they are his family now, it would be hard for him to come back into your home, and this is easier on him." I asked what about the six months of confusion and hurt my son went through when he was being ripped away from his mother after being with me since the day he was born till he was a year and a half, i was all he knew and they just took him from me, I saw the pain in his eyes, he did not understand why he could not be with his mommy. I had to listen to him crying and screaming for me everytime i had to let him go. but his decision was final.....and they took my baby to Texas.

 The only way i could be able to see my son was to follow the court recomendations which were to take the Love and Logic parenting class, and to see a councelor at kitsap mental health, to see if i needed anger management, I took a class called nurturing parenting, for they did not have Love and Logic there anymore they said this class was simaler to it and was a good class to replace the one i needed to take. I took the eight week class and gratuated with perfect attendance, i also went to my psychiatrist at my doctors office in Redmond, who wrote a very kind letter to whom it may concern about me needing anger management classes. I got what they needed to let me see my son, to the best of my abilities, they are saying that i still cannot see him because i didnt follow the guidlines, i took the wrong class and didnt get my evaluation where they told me to go.
 
 I call my son alot, he loves me so much i know it, not just because he tells me but because i can feel it in my heart, when he calls me out of nowhere, just because he wanted to talk to me because he misses me, Amy saying he wakes up from a dead sleep and the first thing he says is I want to talk to my mommy, thats a childs love for his mother, I love my son so much, there isnt a day that goes by that my heart does not feel the same way it did that day in court, i know its a crazy metaphor but thats how it feels, somedays worse then others where i just cry and cry and cry wondering what i could have done different  back then to where i could wake up every morning to my son letting me know what he would like for breakfast. But instead, i have to here him ask someone else....and over the phone to make things worse, I am not a bad mother, i am a mother who had bad things happen to her...these people took the only thing in my life that that matters most to me, then tried to use my depression against me in court, when my dr. dignosed me with seperation anxity, and perscribed me zoloft, to ease my pain. Which never worked the pain never leaves me, and i dont think it ever will, until he is back in mommy's arms.

 My sons father is no longer apart of my life, we got along fine until this summer of 08'My son was coming to visit his Paternal grandmother Kristi for three weeks in july, then his father decided he did not want me around anymore, so to settle the arguments Kristi divided up the week, I got monday-thursday night, and garrett got thursday night-sunday, I thought this was unfair due to I worked monday-thursday from 12-8 sometimes nine or ten so i had limited time with him, not including the week Kristi took him to oregon while he was here, she took him on my birthday of all days, well towards the end of his visit, they decided not to let me see matthew anymore because his father did not want me to, so i called erich and told him what was going on and the way his father was yelling at matthew to get off the phone and go outside when he was on the phone with me,trying to get me to come over because he wanted to see mommy, matthew was crying because his father was yelling and cussing at him. My son does not need to be around these kind of people, everyone in this family says the words "shut up" well when matthew says those words they put soap in his mouth, how is he suppost to know when everyone else around him says it?
 If I dont get the money by december to go to texas to see my son he will be sent up here to Kristi and Rob, who have already said i cannot see him at all, how do I explain something like that to my son? He already knows better though when he tells me Mommy please come to my house for christmas or i wont be able to see you for along time if you dont because Oma and papa say i cant see you anymore, those sure are great things to tell a four year old about his mommy.

 Please, help me bring my baby home, please help reunite my child with his mother. I need a good lawyer, someone willing to tell me everything thats going on every step of the way, tell me up front what they think is going to happen, not what they think i want to hear, Please ive been through enough heartbreak, If my story has touched you at all and you think you can help or you support me in this cause to Bring Matthew Home please e-mail me at Helpbringmatthewhome@yahoo.com Please anything will help!

                         Thank you for your time.
                                   Brandi Beckwith