I’d like to start of this edition of the Report by talking about a close, personal friend of mine who I feel has been receiving an unfair amount of negative attention. I, of course, am talking about Gopher Head Coach Glen Mason, who, despite working at a university with ultra-high admission standards, still manages to put together a team that can compete with most D-I AA teams. He’s only 10 years into his coaching tenure at Minnesota, and as soon as he can start getting his own recruits into the system, I expect the U of M to return to its 1940’s dominance. But enough of my supreme truth regarding Minnesota sports, let’s talk about some Phantasy Phootball.
The league managed to pass the scoring amendment, and although I really don’t know what that entails, I assume, like most amendments, it’s about not letting those creepy gays marry. Bravo to all! Unfortunately my praise ends there, for it feels as if nobody is going to step up to the football-plate and challenge Jeff. He’s rolling like the German army, hell, any army, through Poland. With a two-game lead, he’s on his way to win the regular season championship, unless somebody grows a pair (I understand Stark may not be able to) and stomp him! Besides, we know if Jeff gets that much cash, he’ll just waste it on candy. Speaking of Stark, the Italian Stallions are looking a lot like Barbaro at the Belmont. It’s time to take that horse out back and put him out of his misery. But these observations are obvious, let’s recap this bee-yotch.
In what was by far my favorite game of the week, Sean managed to beat down Joey in the match-up of a historically dysfunctional friendship. It appears that when it comes to anything remotely athletic, Eiden just can’t beat the always fierce, and very well-dressed, Kittridge. Nick took it to Scott in a dog-fight that pitted extreme mediocrity against itself, sweeping him up to a .500 record. Meissner took Stark by the ears and tossed him to another loss, so there’s a surprise about as big as finding out that Ryan Byrne is a homo(sexual). Tommy and his Boondock Saints laid holy waste to Chase in a very Ben Johnson-esque fashion, and in the upset of the week, Chad threw down his second win, and against the league’s rising star, Nathan Berg, in a game with about as much scoring as an all guy house party.
If there’s one thing I love in life, it’s malt liquor. But if there’s two things I like in life, it’s malt liquor AND hookers. I also like the Game of the Week. And since I’m pretty broke right now, we’ll talk about that. Personally, I’ve been waiting for this game all week, and I assume all you other fans of poor football have been also. This week we shine the mighty Sid Spotlight on the “Toilet Bowl”. In the red corner, the bottom feeder of the Classics league, with two wins: Chad Batters! In the blue corner, the bitch of the Newbs division, with one win: Chase Endres. I expect nothing less than a match-up full of fumbles, interceptions, and ultimately, negative scoring. My prediction: Chase, because I feel bad for him.
Well boys and girl, wait, this is Phantasy Phootball, just boys, thanks for reading, and remember, all hail the mighty Mason!
– Sid
