......... ............

"We have with us tonight a young lady who's

celebrating her birthday with her first on-stage performance.

Coming to the stage now is Shana Harris. Let's show her some love."

"Crowd Applause"

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

"Now you all know we can't end the show without

doing some "yo mama" jokes. Here goes":

Yo mama is so fat that when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton to display her picture.

Yo mama is so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

Yo mama is so fat that when she went to church and sat on a bible, Jesus came out and said "LET MY PEOPLE GO!"

Yo mama is so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.

Yo mama is so stupid that she put a peephole in a glass door.

Yo mama is so dark that when the police shot at her, the bullets came back for flashlights.

Yo mama is so old that I told her to act her own age, and she died.

"Thank you. Thank you very much."

"Crowd Cheers"

My Dearest Shana

May you have all the joy your heart can hold,

All the smiles a day can bring,

All the blessings a life can unfold,

May you have God’s best in everything.

Wishing you a Happy Birthday

I LOVE YOU SHANA!!!

"You Are My Starship"

Norman Connors

Click on "comedy button" to go outside.








Dedicated to my daughter, Shana

Hope your special day is wonderful

Created 07/2010 by jurnee00 (a.k.a. Jessie Foster Harris)