Hudson's Thoughts

Have you ever been to the point, where you have to choose? A crucial point in your life, where your decision will be the deciding factor that determines the person you will become. That is the point I am getting at here, people. I am standing here, back against the wall, screams of agony and violence surround me, while I stand here, nine millimeter gun in my mouth.

Hell, I am basically deep throating the barrel.

I am staring into the eyes of a mad man, his finger ready to squeeze the trigger. Looking into his eyes, I see the madness coursing through his body. His mind trapped within a never ending battle between good and evil, right and wrong. He knows that if he pulls the trigger, his decision would probably be for the best, even if the action would be dubbed wrong.

I look into the eyes of the mad man, and just by glaring into them, I am glaring into his soul and I sense the same contradictive nature that I, myself seem to have. The mad man and I are similar.

I blink…and realization sets in. I am in front of a mirror, peering into my own reflection, gun in my mouth, ready to end it all, ready to back away from the stress eating away at my core, like I am a fucking apple. The stress brought on upon my alliances and my desire to take hold of the flame.

Heh…

I am the mad man.

No matter how hard I try, questions still remain. I will never have any true answers to any of these questions and I believe that it scares me. I won't figure anything out by stressing over it. I will just have to let things work themselves out like I normally do. Whatever changes that are bound to occur, will and I will have to accept them for what they are.

Changes…

Do I have what it takes to win the battle royal? I will know if I win the damn thing, it is time to face the piper on that. Do I have the will to win? Everybody has the will to win, whether or not they do is another story altogether. It's fucked how things of this nature come to fruition just as you are getting down to the wire. You waste so much time stressing over bullshit and beating yourself up and when it comes time to put up or shut up, you are able to put things in perspective. Life is funny that way though, now isn’t it?

I often ask myself, where do I go from here? Last time I asked that, I ended up becoming the SCW World Champion. Lightning isn’t going to strike twice ladies and gents; I know that for a fact. I can ask myself that, but I won't make it as far as I did last time, simply because I made it to the top. Where else is there to go? That is question I will have to answer myself. I mean, because there are so many possibilities as to where I could go. It is all a matter of where I want to go. Do I want to go back down to the under card and help groom the future stars of the SCW? Do I work my way around the mid card, helping other stars become superstars, by giving them that one little extra boost that will springboard them to that next level? Or do I fight my way back into the top spot, back into the main event title picture and reclaim the SCW Championship one more time?

I am trying to help Glacier get his career going. He wants to win the SCW Tag Team Championship and he wanted me as a partner. I don’t think I would have picked anybody else to be my tag partner as well. Glacier is a tremendous athlete and I respect his abilities, but now I am beginning to think I have bitten off more than I can chew with the guy. He has me second guessing myself at every twist and turn in this long hard road known as my life. I haven’t been able to function as well inside the ring and outside in the real world. So what keeps me around him? What keeps me around, putting up with his shit? I truly believe it is because I think I can change him and change his ways and shape him into a new man, someone like me, before I became a fucking mess all of a sudden.

But what about my own ambitions and goals?

Do I just set them aside to help others meet their own? Do I take the loss so they can get the notoriety that should be mine? There I go, thinking greedy. But what is so wrong with thinking about yourself, putting yourself and your goals before everyone else? Should that not be the way to be? Greed has turned many wrestlers into success stories.

CHBK, Xander Valentine, Greg Cherry, even the Real Speed for that matter all used greed and it pushed them to the top, several times. They stopped caring about others and they started worrying about number one and they became multiple time World Champions, number one on the elite fifteen rankings and they got their faces on wrestling magazines across the world. I never wanted to be greedy. I wanted to become SCW Champion for a long time, but after failing, I just stopped caring about the title altogether. I stopped caring about the fame and fortune. I got to the point where magazine covers, number one spots, and titles didn’t mean shit to me. I didn’t want any of it. But then again, maybe that was just me, lying to myself, selling myself short, not giving myself enough credit.

My mind is in a thousand pieces…

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The scene opens as Josh Hudson's face is shown in a mirror. He has shaving cream on his face, as he appears to be standing in front of the bathroom mirror. His muscular body is dripping wet. He slowly slides the blade upwards on his left cheek, the blade grinding across his skin. He dips the razor in the water, and then slides the blade upward on again. He is preparing for a press conference that is to be held for Supreme Championship Wrestling's next pay per view, Taking Hold of the Flame, the event that has been plaguing Hudson as of late. He hasn’t let anyone know of this, well any of his opponents in this case. He doesn’t speak, he remains silent, and this has always been his preferred method. He tried the talking game, but most of his words he couldn’t back up.

He earned the moniker, Silent But Violent. He never wanted a nickname of any kind, but this one just sort of stuck. He would keep his thoughts to himself, much as he does now, and he would just go out and fight his heart out, losing care for a win or a loss. Giving the fans more than what they expected was the way he was going to do it. He would go out and do his job, carrying his opponents, bringing out more than they really wanted to; making sure the fans got the show that they deserved. He felt he owed the fans for all of the crap he had said to them and about them and it was time to pay them back. Now, things have changed. He doesn’t know what he wants.

Hudson continues shaving, but begins to think to himself, as his hand glides the blade over his hairy skin, trying to remove any remaining stubble.

It is quite said how human beings listen to that little voice in the back of their heads, telling them that they are not good enough. I am one of those people. I listen to it as if it belonged to God himself and I feel anguish at the sudden arrival of the voice. Several of these people take their own lives, because they believe what they are told, such as the voice telling them that their day will be ruined if they wear a certain shirt. It has even happened to me. Why can't people just be happy with themselves? It is because people can't be happy with other people. All hail the self conscious theory!

Hudson makes a cup out of his hands, lets water fill up in between them, then splashes it onto his face, ridding his skin of any dirt and left over shaving cream. He pats his face dry and he stares into the mirror for a few moments, before turning away and walking out of the bathroom.

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I feel the still breeze, my heart breathes, A giant panic breath, for once I am scared to death, I feel no sense, no sign of hope, it's like I've reached the end of my rope, Desperation is at an all time high, I ask; always ask why, why, why? I get answers I'd rather not; Lock me away let this pitiful soul rot, I can only regress, there's no use there's nothing left, Allow me to finally rest; take away my mistakes, my regret, I am more than you see; potential hides behind the ugly, Black soul lifeless, no more words nothing can express,

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Hudson's Thoughts

My mind is in a thousand pieces, where do I go from here? HA!

The question that plagues my mind, my year from Hell, the roller coaster ride to salvation. Looking into the eyes of the face in the mirror and I haven’t a clue as to who I am staring at. I catch a glimpse of who I should be. Oh how I yearn to be the man my words hype me to be. All I am is full of shit. I know myself for a few days or weeks if I'm lucky, but it's constantly changing. I am far from whole. If anything, I am scattered, scattered in ashes of time, scatter brained, what an identity! It is the one constant. I let myself down, yet I create an identity, a new mask to cover my face and flaws for a brief period, just to recapture any feeling related good, untouchable, and unbreakable. I am an uncontrollable mess, spiraling down, only to climb back up, just to suddenly lose my grip and balance, to slip and fall, and start over again.

I feel that things are coming together and falling apart at the same time. It's the story of my life though. I've grown to expect it. I have come to terms with the way of life, the way it flushes you down the toilet, pushing you to come out of the other end that it is unless you drown on the way out. You have to choose between sinking and swimming, in order to survive. You run for your life, missing out on the most important things, realizing the importance you left behind, realization kicks in when it is too late. The things that hit you in the end, they are already gone. They have hit me and those things that realization hit me with, led me to feel the crushing weight of regret.

A life of regret…

A world of regret…

Broken past, broken memories, eyes glued open, yet you see nothing. These elements lead you as they led me down the path, the road of regret, breaking my mind, flooding my thoughts with memories I tried to bury along with the rest of the ugly inside of me. Regret took control, pushing me, edging my closer and closer to the brink of insanity. I am losing my mind. My demons are my ghosts; resurfaced, coming back to life, just to taunt me, to haunt me, to torture my already tortured soul. I am messed up, yes I know…for my Bible…wait…for my mind tells me so.

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Out of my mind, running out of time, the wheels are turning but nobody's home, feel so cold feel so alone, running in circles searching for a sign, all I know is that this is killing me

The scene opens up a few hours after the close of Wednesday Night Breakdown. Josh Hudson is shown driving in his car with his friend, Stetson Smith, as the scene begins.

Stetson: "So are you ready for Sunday night, Josh? It's just a few days away and you seemed pretty confident in your interview at the press conference, so I was just wondering..."

Josh (snapping): "WHAT? If I was faking it? You have to be confident, you have to be cocky and brash in your interviews at those things, otherwise people are going to hassle you over and over. I didn't feel like going through that shit today, Stetson. But to answer your question, I am ready as I can be. I say that I am confident and that I am mentally prepared, but in all honesty, no one ever truly is, I don't care what they say in their interviews or promos. We are wrestlers, we have to be full of shit."

Stetson: "Wow...so what's really bothering you, Josh? I know it is more than this battle royal coming up. So what is it?"

Josh: "I'd rather not say, Stetson. I am going to do what I normally do, I am going to bottle this shit up, until it eats away at every ounce of my being. That is what I do, and that is what I will continue to do."

Stetson: "You don't have to do that..."

Josh (snapping once again): "NO I DON'T HAVE TO! But it is what I am going to do. It is what I know and I go with what I know. Nobody knows how to deal with my problems better than I do. So Stetson, stop trying to be the best friend. There is something wrong right now, I just can't figure it out myself. If I knew, I would be able to talk about it, but right now, I don't know what the fuck is wrong. I know it's obvious, something is off, I just don't know what..."

Both men grow silent after Josh finishes speaking. Josh keeps his eyes on the road, while Stetson sits in the passenger seat, eyes on the road as well, with his arms crossed, as if he were pouting. After a few moments, Hudson still deep in thought, speaking again.

Josh: "I just don't know what..."

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Hudson's Thoughts

Frustration

Doubt

Two of the key elements in my self destruction so to speak. Frustration and doubt have plagued me right before a big match. They hit me leading up to Body, Heart, and Soul, when I defended the SCW Championship against Damian Angel. And just as they hit me back then, they have returned and I am not prepared for it. But my frustration is different than before. My frustration and my doubt tie in together, tight like a pair of shoe strings or something. Over the last few days, hearing all of the other contestants go back and forth, running their mouths, hyping themselves up like they are the only ones in this fucking match. I wish people would just check their goddamn egos at the entrance ramp and come down to the ring and just fucking wrestle. Their egos aren't going to save them from elimination and it isn't going to ensure them the win.

People are hanging onto their reputations and all of their accomplishments, thinking that shit alone is going to help them become the winner of the Taking Hold of the Flame battle royal. This is an anything goes, every man for himself, no one gives a shit about what you have done in the past and what you say you are going to do, because you usually don't get much breathing room to back up any of your claims, because let's face it...forty superstars...this will become the biggest clusterfuck in the history of the SCW. No need to boast your ego, build it up until it reaches its boiling point or beyond even, because there is a good chance that you will walk away, eliminated, with your ego bruised. I have traveled that route and it never ends pretty. I have went into these kind of matches, cocky as all get out and next thing I know, I am back out onto the entrance ramp, walking to the backstage area. It is not a good feeling at all.

So why are am I frustrated? I have thought about it for a little bit, and I think it is much more than my problems with Glacier. It is much more than that. You see, I cannot stand to see people who give it their all, week in and week out, putting out promo after promo, hyping up the match, showing interest in their match, putting all of this time and effort into each contest, only to get the short end of the stick. I cannot fucking stand that. You see, I am a bit frustrated because you have all these heavily favored superstars, who have thrown their name into the hat, multiple time champions in the SCW, and next thing you know, they wait until the last minute to produce anything. I cannot stand laziness getting rewarded more than those who actually put work into their careers. You get to look at others who don't do a damn thing until the last minute, the day before the event, and somehow or another, they get more credit than their hard working opponent. It's like they get fucking pampered for some odd reason. And I am a bit frustrated because for some odd reason, I have this gut feeling that somebody who hasn't done a goddamn thing leading to the battle royal, will somehow manage to get the fucking and get an undeserved title match at Rise To Greatness.

I have been beating myself up for the last two weeks, frustrated over what is going on between Glacier and myself, because I am afraid that I am going to go down the same road he is currently traveling. I don't want to do that. I want to remain who I am, but let's face it, I don't have the slightest fucking clue as to who I am anymore. I am lost and the only thing I can do, is bottle it up, let it shake around, until the bottle decides to explode and whatever comes out of it, comes out and I will have to accept it for what it is.

Frustration

Doubt

I have said time and time again, that I can be beaten, but I will not be broken, but I have come to the conclusion that I am the only one who can break myself and I believe I am about to crack. I have to hear people like Shawn Alexander Cage claim that he is the real World Champion of the SCW. Why? Sure he got screwed over in his match against Xander Valentine, but in all honesty, you can't make it to the big dance with your head up your ass. I learned that the hard way. Shawn is indeed going to be a part of the future of the SCW, just like so many others such as Asher Hayes and so forth. Shawn wants that main event spotlight, he wants it so bad he can taste it and I admire his drive, but he is going about it the wrong way. You have to show that you want instead of just saying it. Any veteran of the SCW, if they themselves don't have an ass full of their own head, will tell Shawn and the other upcoming superstars the same damn thing. It is frustrating because I have done the same thing and you would think the stars of tomorrow would have caught on and saw what that did to me and countless other wrestling stars throughout the history of this sport. We could talk a big game, but in the end, our actions didn't cover half of what we had said.

I am not here to talk. I am done talking. I keep my thoughts to myself, because I would rather drink a fifth of Vodka and go driving down interstate, then to hear egos talk and talk and talk. I am not going to say that I am going to win the battle royal, or act like I am going to win the damn thing, because I am a former SCW Champion. No, I refuse to do that. I am not looking to be considered immortal, because I am not a vampire. If people want to remember me after I am finished with the wrestling business, good. If not, then so be it, it is your decision, not mine. People can comment on others and what league they are in, but this is a battle royal, not a one on one contest, so that kind of talk is dumb, because nothing will be proven this Sunday night. People have talked about how they want to get some major competition out of this and that is what they will get. I myself am competing against myself, because my mind and my heart hardly ever work as a cohesive unit. My mind will tell me to go out and start suplexing everyone that gets in my way. My heart will tell me to bide my time, stay focused and be smart. It's hard to listen, it is frustrating trying to pay attention to which ever side is right.

But here is what I do know. I am going to go out there and I am going to do the best I can. I am going to do what my mind and my body and my heart will allow me to do. I can't put a percentage on it, because everyone who has watched me over the past few years in this sport, knows that I always give it my all, however much that is.

Forty superstars will go in, I am one of them. I am just a number right now, that is all I am. And I will fight my way through everyone else to make it to the end and be known as the last man standing, the man who took hold of the flame in 2008.

Josh Hudson?

Only time will tell, right?