Mood:  sad

     Well, I know that times are hard for everyone. I know that I am especially no exception to that. Everyone needs help, the economy isn't the same. People need work, and people need a helping hand. Well, I have nowhere else to turn. I have no one else to depend on. The world can feel like a pretty scary place; when you look around and realize your all alone. In this moment one of my darkest hours, I am thankful to at least have one friend.

       Though they cant help me financially, I now have a roof over my head. For that I am truly thank full. But, it has been a hard and rocky road. It all started over a year ago. I was living in New Jersey I thought I had my life planned out. I thought I would marry, finish school, and have children.

      Then one day I came home and found my reality turn upside down. The man I thought I knew so well, wasn't who I thought he was. He stole everything. I had nothing. My family is small and they don't have financial backing to help me. Which is like a lot of American people now. But, my mother did have a place. It needed a lot of work, but it gave me a place to go. 

       I moved out of state and moved into her vacation home. Which now is on the verge of her losing due to her increasing financial situation. But, I went down to try and fix the place up and get back on my feet. Within a couple months of being there, I thought I meet a very caring person. No they didn't offer me money, but they offered me work.

      I thought this person was truly amazing. He would buy my gifts and make me feel like I had a chance at a new start. We worked together for several months, before I realized there was something wrong with the facade that they had showed me. The problem was though that person's facade was built up also by their family. This made the story of how great they were more believable. I believed I was over reacting that I was being prejudging because of my past situation.

      But, I should have trusted my gut instinct. I should have realized that my instinct should always be listened to. By the time I realized there was something wrong and this person was not who I thought they were, it was already to late. I decided one evening in July of last year to end things with this person.

     I never thought for one moment, I would have to worry about anything. I was under a false assumption that we would end things and go our separate ways. But, I was truly wrong. Very wrong. That night I tried my hardest to end things. But, things went very wrong. They became angry, threatening, and even violent. They destroyed the property and also shattered my trust.

     Two thousand dollars in damage was done to the property, but the personal damage done to me is beyond financial consideration. When the police showed up at my home, I showed them (what that did not see obviously with the outside damage they saw when I showed them the damage inside the property) the damage and explained what happen.

       When this person was arrested, and the state was going to prosecute I truly thought I would be safe. I again was truly wrong. For months after he harassed me, calling, showing up all hours of the night, and showing up where ever I was.

      Yes I took action. I filed with a domestic violence order of protection. I assumed that within him being served the papers this would all finally be behind me. But it wasn't. I was granted the order of protection and assumed I could be safe. But when he called and then the next day showed back up on my property I realized I needed to call the police.

      I felt he truly believed with time, I would look past what he had done to me. That I would forgive him and take him back, but I don't believe anyone especially a women deserves to be brutalized physically. I knew in my own mind, I would never take him back. It wasn't until I called the police on him did he too realize I wouldn't. When they went to arrest him for breaking the order of protection, he become angry.

      I assume he wanted revenge. Because within a week of him suppose to be arrested, the police showed up at my home. They had a warrant to check the property for stolen goods. I explained to them that I have never been in trouble with the law nor would I have a problem with them coming into the home.

     Little did I realize, the gifts that I found so flattering just 3-6 months before were stolen. He was obviously a much darker person than I had originally realized. I have to assume it was him, because all they took from the home were the gifts he had given me. I was charged with possession of stolen goods. It wasn't until all this had happen, that I decided to research who he was.

     I fond out he had a dark past that I was not aware of. He had been in prison for over ten years. He had abused another women, damaged her property, and also had kidnapping charges, and robbery charges. I decided to write an article about my own experience to help prevent others from going through what I did. But for the next month or so I felt isolated and alone.

    I knew no one in the state, for I was not from there. I went there looking for a chance to rebuild my life and found it more shattered than it had originally been. When my brother decided he needed a change for his son (he is a single parent) and wanted to move to Connecticut he asked if I wanted to leave the state and go with him to try in Connecticut. I felt I had nothing more to lose at this point and since I had nothing there I decided to go with him.

     When I moved to Connecticut, I found a job and started to save money for what I knew there would be many trips down to the state I had left to fight for my innocence. But, unfortunately I lost the job within a month of being here. My brother had by then found work finally. But, when he realized I didn't have work, he decided I had to go. So I was kicked out of my place and left with nothing.

     Thankfully for my friend I was fortunate enough to be able to stay there. The problem now lies with my situation I am currently in. I have been given a public defender, who this whole time I have only spoke with maybe three times in the last 8 months. She has done nothing to help me and supposedly is defending me, but the sad part is she doesn't even know my side of the story.

     Every time I called she was/ is never available. When I explained to her( or I should say her assistant) I had just been kicked out and had no money or place to go, and that I desperately needed to change the court date she said that wouldn't be a problem and she would take care of it. It wasn't until two days later (now able to stay with a friend), I was able to use a phone and call her.

      Come to find out she didn't even try to represent me. I was given a bench warrant untop of my other charge. I feel now I am truly alone, and more so scarred. I don't know what else to do. I don't even know if anyone will even take the time to hear my story. I know that there are so many shady people out there it's hard to know who is being honest and who is just trying to use other people. I can understand. 

     I feel my trust has been shattered beyond repair. I feel lost and completely alone. The worse part is I have done the research, it will take 8,000 dollars for a lawyer to represent me and remove the bench warrant to give me the opportunity to show that I am innocent. I ask myself how can I possible do that? I have nothing. Now I have no family, no friends, nothing. Well, I can't say no friends, for I do have one who might not have anything to give.. But they did give me a roof over my head.

     That is more than anyone has give the past year or so. I just didn't know where else to turn. So, I decided I would share my story. Just maybe some people will read it. If enough people read it and help with just a dollar, ten dollars, 20 dollars, who knows it could add up and help me. I do want to work, but I am scarred. I know if I work they will find me. I will have then no chance to fight for my innocence. They wont even want to hear my side.

     I don't think they will believe that I truly just didn't have money to get down and be at my court date. I would have been, but I didn't expect to get kicked out or that everything would end up where it is now. I don't know if anyone will help. Or if they will just say its my own problem and move on. But, if I don't ask.. If I don't say anything.. How would I ever truly know. Yes you have all right say no. That it isn't your problem. Or that I need to grow up and handle my own business.

      But, I believe in hope. Who knows maybe some people will say they have a couple dollars to give. Maybe some people will have some advice to share. I believe in hope, I wont allow myself any longer to drown in the sea of nos. Just maybe you will be the one to say yes and help me. I'm just thankful for whoever reads this post, for taking the time to hear my side. I guess that is all I can really ask for. Thank you everyone for your time.

Desperate

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