About this web site:
After 2 years of studying, working hard and stressing over homework I am finally at the end of my goal. This web site is created in order to assist parents that are struggling with helping their children to cope with divorce. I myself am a single parent and I started this project at a time when my divorce was still new to me. I felt alone and a bit lost. So the idea was simple....to make a quick check list if you will of the things that need to be done in order to make the transition as smooth as possible for everyone.
After you read the following top ten list, please take the time to fill out the survey at the end of this page. The information is anonymous, but it is needed in order for me to collect data and to finish this project.
THE TOP THEN LIST OF THINGS YOU CAN DO
TO HELP YOUR CHILDREN OVERCOME DIVORCE
1. EXPLAIN THE DIVORCE
This is always the hardest step to deal with. But if there is not care taken, the child can develop separation anxiety issues.An explanation of what will be happening in advance will give the children time to adjust to future changes. In this explanation, it is also best to reassure them that they will have as much contact as possible with both parents. In addition it is recommended that both parents sit down with the children and explain why the divorce is happening. Be sure to insist that it is not their fault.
#2 EFFECTIVELY RESPOND TO A CHILD'S FEELINGS OF SADNESS
This is a step by step process. Parents need to acknowledge how their children are feeling. This means that they cannot try to change how the child feels. The feelings need to be validated and a lot of affection needs to be given so the child doesn't feel like they need to be pretend that everything is ok.
#3 COMMIT TO PROTECT THE CHILD FROM THE DIVORCE
This does not mean that the children doesn't know the divorce will happen. This means that the parents will make every effort not to argue in front of the children as well as making the child feel like they are being put in the middle of a battle.
#4 TREAT THE OTHER PARENT WITH RESPECT
This seems like a hard one, considering that you have divorced the other parent for a reason. If this respect is not given however, expecting the child to not take sides is futile. The children may learn to disrespect the other parent in time and/or not want to visit them anymore.
#5 AVOID THE BLAME GAME
A common instinct is to blame the other party. But this is not beneficial to the children. This once again, will make them feel like they have to take sides causing them to feel like they are being put in the middle.
#6 TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF
While this seems like it is not part of taking care of your children, it is a very important step. When we are angry and tired, we can tend take it out on our children. Getting enough rest and eating well are a vital part of functioning as good parents. We should lean on our friends and family and make sure not to vent to the children. This causes them more stress that we are trying to avoid.
#7 LET THE CHILDREN OPENLY COMMUNICATE WITH OTHER PARENT
In the day and age of web cams, internet chat and cell phones, this can easily be accomplished. Web cams can be a good alternative when the other parent is too far to have face to face meetings as often as they want. You can even consider sharing a cell phone plan where the child has their own phone. In the long run, the children will enjoy the open conversation and not harbor resentment towards you if you hold them back from the parent that they are wanting to communicate with.
#8 KEEPING A DAILY ROUTINE
If at all possible, parents should work to keep the children in the same house as well as the school to avoid disrupting their familiar surroundings as much as possible. Consistency promotes children's trust which helps them to continue feeling secure, safe and protected. Other things that can create a daily routine and a feeling of comfort would be things like keeping a set bed time and reading a story before lights out.
#9 EXPLAIN THE PERMANENCE OF THE DIVORCE
This one has been chosen because children tend to want to put their parents back together. When this happens, they are not able to move on with the steps in the grieving process over the divorce. It needs to be stressed that the decision is made by the parents, not by the children. If children persist in their assumption the marriage can work out when the parents start to date again, it can be disastrous. This is not something that needs to be done right after the separation however.
#10 LEARN TO MOVE PAST THE DIVORCE
While it does not seem like this is directed at the children, one of the best things a parent can do is to let go of the anger and resentment from the divorce and move on with their life. Of course, that does not mean jumping right into another relationship. A time to heal is necessary. But you will be able to show respect towards the other parent and in turn help the children to move on quicker when you move towards the future.
SURVEY
Please take this 1 minute survey. It is required for my final project.
RESOURCES:
The following books were used to compile information about this subject:
We're Still Family by C. Ahrons
How To Help Your Child Overcome Divorce by C. Brown and Dr. Benedek
The Way We Really Are by S. Coontz
Caught In the Middle: Protecting the Children of High Conflict Divorce by Barris & Garrity
Divorce book for parents by V. Lansky
The Everything Guide to Children and Divorce by C.E. Pickhardt
Helping Children Cope with Divorce by E. Teyber
The following web sites were also used:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce.htm
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/divorce.html
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