I am angry, disappointed and confused. Why does my friend keep trying to sleep with my friends? And why does it bother me so much? I want to be above this, to be confident enough in myself and in my relationships to move forward without this anger and frustration!

   So tell me Trin, what exactly am I supposed to get out of this situation? How am I supposed to grow?? Yeah, I'm angry, and hurt.., and disappointed in my friend KS. This is yet another reason I don't trust women. Why would she tell me about this? I don't want to know. I don't know why I am so affected. I am attracted to him, yes, and I care for him, obviously. But not in a romantic way. I feel played! I feel like KS set me up months ago, that she planted this interest in my head even though I never previously felt it. And then I started to question it, question our friendship, his possible feelings for me. And then they move in on each other. Thanks for making me feel not only like a complete fool but completely rejected, ugly, useless, and now alone...

    I hate that I'm still into CS. How can that man do no wrong in my eyes and why do I let him get away with it?? I deserve better! I finally realize that he's not good enough for me. He's not good enough for me. I deserve someone who is not afraid to pursue me, someone who can see me and is not afraid to show me how they feel. But I still want him. I'm still attracted to him. My heart still yearns to be with him, to kiss him, to spend hours talking to him about anything and everything under the stars.

    Where's my prince Trinity? I know he's out there. And maybe CS's purpose was to help me heal and finally distance myself from BP. I think of Troy often. The connection was quick and intense, almost doesnt seem real now. But he's a friend's boyfriend. How wrong is that to want to reach out to a man who is technically taken? She doesn't deserve that, he doesn't deserve that, and I DEFINITELY dont deserve that! 

     I seem to be seeking love in all the wrong places. Trin, help me to understand that an emotional connection between a man and woman, doesn't always yield an attraction or a potential relationship. Help me to forgive my friends for acting on their impulse and to be thankful it didn't go any farther. Help me to let all of this go, and realize that my purpose is greater than even I can see. My destiny is in your hands. Thy will not mine be done.

 For today, I am grateful that I can feel and express my anger and hurt. I am thankful that I no longer have to stuff my feelings and that I no longer have to pretend. I am loveable, kind, and thoughtful... and I am truly loved.

To some it up in one word, I'm feeling extremely stubborn right now. Don't want to eat food, don't want to write, don't want to give up hope on the one boy I have fallen so completely and madly for.

I'm tired of not believing in myself, feeling insecure and alone. I'm anxious and just plain terrified. This house has my stomach tied up in knots. And Christian has my heart bleeding and jumping for joy simultaneously. Even as I type this, I am terrified to write those words that I truly feel. As if not writing them would make them somehow less real. 

 I've been running lately. Keeping myself so busy that I cant see straight.

See I couldn't even finish this blog without surfing the web...Oh well, I'll try again tomorrow. 

Mood:  quizzical

I'm feeling stuffed. Got a whole lot of chaos dancing around in my head and not really sure where to start. Need to be honest with myself and stop filling up with distractions. I'm feeling like I about to turn a corner and the clarity is pooling around my edges. My head has been covered in clouds, not ready to embrace reality and my higher power is telling me it's time to bridge that gap between heart and head.

  I'm allowed to be scared, to fear fear. But it's time to grow...I no longer want to be held back from my fear. I no longer want to ponder what ifs and be bound by possible rejection or failures. I AM good enough, strong enough, and loveable. I AM worthy of what life has to offer and the good people that surround me.  I don't have to lie, manipulate, or create a situation to get what I want or what I deserve. If I am patient, loving, kind, and work hard, the rest will take care of itself.

  So Trinity, I am asking, no begging you to help me take care of myself. I want to live in the moment, not the future. I want to feel to the tips of my fingertips and fall desperately in love with a man that is desperately in love with me. I want to open my heart up to a man who can challenge me and take care of me and who is man enough to go after what he wants. I want to stop seeing the potential in people and recognize them for who they are now and what they are capable in this moment!! I want a man who sees me for my uniqueness and who is willing to put everything on the line to be with me. Someone who will sacrifice for me and place me on his pedastool. I deserve to be loved that much...

   Life is nothing without love and sorrow. I've done my share of yearning. It's time to move past the desire and put thoughts into action. I am the master of my destiny. If I want the above, I need to put it out there and start being true to myself! I'm tired of playing games. For today, it's all about honesty...

Mood:  down

So you could say I've been running lately... both literally and figuratively. Not sure what it's about. I just can't seem to get rid of this unsettled energy.  I'm full of anxiety, fear and the unknown. Wanting a few answers and a little guidance. 

   I need you Trinity...To help me have vision when I can't see where the road is trying to lead me. To give me faith that I am exactly where I need to be; to assure me that I can handle all the stress that envelops me.

   I'm really frightened. I can't seem to stop exercising and am so focused on the weight right now. I went for a swim this evening and it just wasn't enough. I came home and had to go for a run just to keep the sanity and running commentary down to a minimum.

    I've been randomly on the verge of tears and there is no reason behind it. At the same time, I just can't seem to let myself break down and have a good cry. I feel like the walls are up and if I cry, I won't be able to hold it together.

   I'm wanting to isolate so badly. I feel like I am keeping my friends at arms reach.. Wanting to let them in but not sure how to share my feelings; probably because I don't understand them myself. Even with Carrie, I'm having a hard time expressing myself.

    I'm wound so tight right now the only thing I can think of is wanting to purge to release my feelings. Not really sure what to do. Part of me feels that I should pick up the phone and make a reach out call and a bigger part of me wants to keep it all in. To live in my secret world and have control over one thing in my life.

    This isnt a good sign. Gotta hang on 2 days and hopefully my new therapist can help me make sense of this thing. I miss CS. Have  I made this thing with him up in my mind? Why hasn't he called?? 

   Feeling really alone and scared...dont want to go back to that place, but feeling like nothing else is helping right now. One day at a time...I'm trying really hard Trinity. I need you to hold my hand right now, show me a glimmer of light at the end of this incredibly long tunnel. I'm barely treading water right now...my life is in your hands.

   Help me to do what is right for me and relieve me of my self-destructive tendencies. Help me to love myself and treat myself as I deserve to be treated!! I'm a caring, positive, vibrant woman who has a lot of love and happiness in her life. Help me to see that happiness, feel that love, and embrace what life has to offer me. Help me to continue being a person that I can be proud of.

   The right guy will come along in time. He will see me in my entirety and pursue me, not the other way around. He will be intelligent, thoughtful, caring, and willing to take risks. He will recognize my greatness and challenge me mind, body, and soul. All this energy that I am putting into one man...why am I so focused on him?? Yeah, he's a great guy- he's funny and sweet and has an amazing heart. And I know he would treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

   That's why I'm focused on him. Given the chance, if he felt the same way, he would treat me like a queen. Only problem is I'm just not sure if he could ever see me as more than a friend. Gotta be patient and give this one time to develop. We need to build a solid friendship and that takes time. The right guy is out there for me and if CS isn't smart enough to see what's in front of his face then it's his loss.

Mood:  amorous

I always seem to be writing about men. I started this evening inspired by the knowledge that I don't need to let men define my life. And here I am, not even 2 hours later thinking about a man, wanting to call him. Can I be anymore girlie?

I don't like to feel out of control. To have my destiny in the hand of another. Truth be told, if there is any relationship to spring out of this connection that I feel between us, he has to work for it to.  I can't be the one always calling him and initiating everything.

I often wonder if  this relationship  is in my head...that this is all a manifestation of my wants and desires. But the moment I am with him, all of that insecurity disappears. It feels right, sincere and genuine. And mutual. 

 I suppose I will just have to give it time. Give him a chance to figure out what he wants. I'm always one for instant gratification by maybe just maybe someone is trying to tell me something... to exert a little patience. With work, the house, men. Let it go and they will come to you!

Someone recently told me that if you want something..wish for it really really hard. I'm wishing. If it's meant to be, let him come to me!

God knows I've been adventurous in my past. I like him Trin, I  really do. I had an awesome time tonight. and fuck it...I  totally am awesome! Any guy would so god damn lucky to have me in his life!! So I put this to you mR. Schaber....i challenge you. to reach out of your comfort zone, your insecurities and try something real. Some thing honest that will only illicit truth in your life. You should only be so freakin lucky!!

Admist the hopeful future comes an emotion I am all too familiar with...confusion.

All my life, fear has been a huge driver of my actions, my insecurities, the secret of my innermost pain. I am fighting like hell right now to breathe. To give it all up and let my faith and belief that the future holds wonderful promise take hold.

In the past I have let confusion and indecisiveness take command of my life. All the while fear was brimming at the surface, refusing to be acknowledged. So let me acknowledge it right now.

 I am terrified. I am terrified that I might get the house of my dreams and be forced into a state of stability. I am terrified that my job may fall through and that contrary to everything everyone has ever surmised, seen or said, that my image of success will be broken and I will be branded a failure. I have always been so great at bolstering a facade of confidence, but lacking the earnest belief that I am worthy.

And more than anything, I am terrified of this man that has entered my life. Terrified at the prospect of finding love and committing myself to another person. I am terrified of taking a chance and finding myself broken hearted. The butterflies don't come around often, and I just can't get him out of my head. How has he come into my life in such a short time and created these intense feelings so quickly?

 He's easing the pain that BP left behind. I feel like I'm almost ready to let him go. Looking at their pictures yesterday, he looked happy and healthy. I felt compelled to comment on them. He deserves happiness. We weren't meant for each other and it's time for me to let him go. There is someone out there that I can bring joy and light to. I am not a failure for not meeting his needs.

 I finally breathe those words aloud. It's freeing being able to finally express it. To not let food or drink or sex disguise it. I don't want to live in the past anymore, nor do I want to live in the future. I refuse to live in fear or a state of hopefulness. If I really search my heart, I have everything I want in front of me. I just need to commit to the willingness to take risks and trust my heart as always. It's often hard for me to recognize this, but you know, it's not so bad being in the present.

Mood:  vegas lucky

Following some good advice from a new friend.. I'm giving it up to the universe:

I leave my life in your hands. The most I can do today is put one foot in front of the other and pray that you have my back.

Since moving to the islands, I have learned that I need to let go of what I want most and let the universe bring it back to me. What I have learned today is that I need to believe that I deserve it and to allow these things to come my way.

So here it is universe. I am an intelligent, caring, adventurous woman who is looking for three specific things: a career that I love and which challenges me, a home to start the next chapter of my life in and a man to share my life, hopes and dreams with.

I've written a few lists on what I am looking for in a partner but I feel the need to add it to this entry. He needs to be a single, heterosexual male. Sincere, romantic, able to share his feelings, and full of adventure. I want a man who will challenge me to be a better person and a person who will be an equal partner in life. A person who loves to travel and is honest and open.

The rest is in your hands. I can say with the uttermost certainty that I am ready to put myself out there, to be vulnerable and take a chance on love. I want to feel to the very tips of my toes, ache to be near him every second of the day, and be lost in the soul of another human being.

I willing to wait for your answer and will continue to live my life to the fullest now, then, and forever.

Trinity-

I offer myself to thee,

to build with me and do with my as thou wilt.

Relieve me of the bondage of strength

so that I may better do thy will.

May I do thy will always!!

Mood:  crushed out

BRING ON THE CRUSHES!!

  I had this premonition a few months back that I would meet a man who would play a significant role in my life within the next year. It hit me suddenly and instantaneoulsy and with utter certainty I was a believer in fate.

   I wasn't going to sit around waiting for it or start looking for this amazing man. Like most of the clear, defining moments in my life, I just understood to live and let lie. The future would work itself out in due time.

   And today I sit here writing this with great anticipation, wondering if my truth is about to come to fruition. I met this guy a couple months back that I felt an easy and comfortable likeness with. We're both adventurous, have kind hearts and are pretty sensitive individuals. And similarly, I think we are both trying to grasp our own transitional situations and continue moving forward in life.

  It's been two years since BP and I split, and my heart still aches for this man. While I realize this missing pieces of our past relationship will never work out, it's hard for me to let my past disappear. He was once my friend, my confidant, my lover. And I finally realize and see that there may be another man who can bring the same joy and confort to my life that BP once did.

   Fantastic right? Well, I'm not sure that my feelings may be reciprocated. It's been a long time since I spent the night talking with a guy about everything under the stars, but I wonder if I am rushing my feelings. I'm afraid to let my heart love but only because I am afraid of rejection. Pain is  one emotion I know I can deal with...humiliation is much harder.

    I have to admit that I am a pretty fabulous person! But sharing all of those intimate details, my past, trying to show them whom I once was and what I have become is monumentally intimidating. And as school girlish as this sounds... what if he only sees me as a friend? He's fresh off of a heartbreak and obviously needs time to heal.

    But something in my heart just feels so connected to this wonderful man. I'm intrigued by his artistic side, his boyish humor, and his desire to seek adventure! His sensitivity and vulnerableness tug at the strings of my heart. One thing that BP never was is open, honest, and able to communicate his feelings. CS has already shared heartache in the first couple nights together. His sincerity and love for life reaches me at my very core. For the first time in five years my stomach is filled with butterflies.

    I'm sure if I still had a sponser she'd tell me to take it one day at a time and to listen to my heart. I'd argue back that its hard to leave my head out of it when our working situation makes things already super complex. My heart is telling me to be open, and to feel my feelings and see where things go. The reward may be well worth the effort.

   I guess I leave you with this final thought:

"Life is made up of desires that seem big and vital one minute, and little and absurd the next. I guess we get what's best for us in the end." - Alice Caldwell Rice

Mood:  incredulous

   I'm absolutely amazed to be experiencing this type of movement in my lifetime. Not only have we elected our very first African American President, but our President-Elect Obama has inspired a change amongst his fellow Americans.

   This is a man who demonstrates honesty, heart, and leadership. A man who will bring a sense of security and prosperity to a country in a dark age. He is a man who makes a believe again. Hope is such a powerful and often unreachable emotion. This man  has brought hope back to not only me, but millions of others regardless of age, gender, race, religion, or sexual orientation. He understands how to move mountains and does it delicately and with overwhelming humility. For years I haven't been able to define someone I consider a hero.

   Our hero, our angel, Barack Obama!