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How To Install Love...

A call comes through on the customer service line.

Customer Service Rep: Yes, Ma'am, how can I help you today?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install love.
Can you guide me through the process?

CS Rep: Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install
now. What do I do first?

CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several other programs running right
now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?

Customer: Let's see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE,
and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your
current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it
will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite
LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH- ESTEEM.EXE. However,
you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those
programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those
off ma'am?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do
this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have
been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically.
Is that normal?

CS Rep: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for
the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need
to begin connecting to other Heart's in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?

CS Rep: What does the message say?

What does that mean?

CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the
LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS, but has not yet been run on
your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in
non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before
it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

CS Rep: Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

CS Rep: Excellent. You're getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them
ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting
files and begin patching any programming. Also, you need to delete
SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and to make sure it is completely
gone and never come back. You will need to empty your recycle bin.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG
is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and
CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?

CS Rep: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything
gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running.
You should be able to handle it from here.

Customer: Yes!

CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to
everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they
will return some similarly cool modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what's your name?

CS Rep: You can call me the "Divine Cardiologist", also known as "The Great
Physician". Most people feel all they need is an annual checkup to stay
heart-healthy, but the manufacturer suggests a schedule of daily
maintenance for maximum efficiency.