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Finally.... i get to post something....stupid stupid xanga is down.... i have had to write in freaking microsoft word... but it seems as if xanga may be back up soon.... im going to try out both xanga and blogspot and see which i like better. Let see... i've had lots and lots of things on my mind.... i dont really like talking about things on my mind... its just so much easier to write it down... i've just been worrying a lot lately.... i guess you could say im a worry wart... Sometimes I wonder what will become of me in the next few years... its going to be a huge change... possibly a step in to real life... in a sense you could say that I am afraid. Everything is so uncertain. Before I was so certain of what I wanted. I know for certain that i want to be a teacher.... teaching is my passion... children are my passion.... Not so certain anymore about other things... Before I was certain of what I wanted in a partner... but I don't know anymore... even though there isnt really anything to be worried about... but i guess you could say that i am worried that i will never find the right person..... i definately dont want to be alone my whole life.... i guess you could say the right girl would be the one who is worth ditching my boys for.... NOT LIKE THEY NEED ME ANY WAYS!!!! hahaha.....went to the grad this past saturday.... i didnt do any dancing... didnt really feel like dancing.... i just drank.... and drank... well i talked to Young about stuff... i guess i gotta be some what intoxicated to talk.... he told me not to worry anymore... its in the past.... he wanted to know why i am so anti female... i guess my guard is up.... its not like im talking to anybody... but im not putting in the effort either.... argh blah blah.... i dont even understand my self sometimes... i also talked to him about why SHE bothers me so much.... personally... IM NOT conceited.. but i think im a better person then the current model she has... i dont know him well enough to judge... but i dunno... from what ive seen... i think i have more integrity... im not talking shit... im just making an observation... blah... i dunno what im talking about... im not going to let her change who i am... i may be a better person now... but who knows.. who can say... any way...Thanks Christine for hanging out with me till i sobered up that night.....
NOW lets see... Havent been doing much lately... all i do is wake up.. go to class... have lunch with christine... and sit around and do nothing... then watch movies.... then dinner with my best buddy chrstine... then watch another movie with my best buddy chrstine.... and some how working out fits somewhere into that busy schedule.... haha.... if Marlene is reading this... i HOPE YOUR JEALOUS.... I AM JUST SO MUCH COOLER THAN YOU!...
OK i know this is a long post... I HAVENT BLOGGED IN FOREVER.... i have had questions about this step thing... so here it is
Step 1 - YOu're conciously aware of a motive / something you want fulfilled **an expectation **
- in a relationship standpoint you want a companion, something that you're used to if you've been with them for a long tiime and have to let them go. You needs are that you don't want things to change, you want them there to have fun be intimate, have someone to talk to every morning / every night. These are your *expectations*
Step 2 - You cant get you needs fulfilled / Fear starts to set in.
- YOu can't have what you want and you have to deal with it. Fear starts to set in and you start on the path of self sabbotage. Your mind is what fails you as it seems like all you know is what you want in Step 1. You have a lot of thoughts in your mind and the majority of the thoughts are neggative and that will be your focus for the time being, not school, friend or even the good, simple aspects of your life.
STep 3 - You see people around you progressing.
- IN a relationship stand point where i can relate to you, its seeing the other person happy with another person, going out a lot being busy and basically happy, while you sit thinking, paintstakingly of what you did wrong and why nothing can go right from this point on. Your heart starts failing you as your emotions overtake your logical thought of your life and anything positive that comes along is just coincidental in your mind, a fluke or something that wont last. You start making excuses for yourself being on the lower end as you see people move above you.
*if get to step 4, its a long road back but once you get back you'll be a lot stronger, in ideal circumstances, if you've taken all the steps, you're recognize step 3 as soon as it occurs and be able to adjust your reactions behavior and attitude to allude from fallin in the hole again.
Step 4 - (short and simple) You Lose faith
- Once you lose faith you've lost most if not all of yourself. Your heart fails you and starts to light of like a fireball and control small things like your apetite. The act of getting out of bed and taking a shower can be considered an accomplishment for the day. Its hard to sleep at night without faith in yourself, your future or any happiness, and as hard it is to go to sleep, it's just as hard to STAY asleep, you're awaken in the middle of the night because you can feel the pain in your heart still. This feeling will NOT go away once you've lost faith,
the rest of the email is personal.....
That is courtesy of my friend.... thanks for you knowledge man...
YES i have gone through all of those steps.....it sucks... i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy... like it says.... long road back...
Why is it that freaking sad songs are soooo good..... songs that i listen to a lot lately are "still on my brain" by Justin Timberlake.... oh yeah and heather headly "wish i wasnt"... those songs dont apply to me.... i mean they did apply to me in the past... but not now... i just like it....
thats all for now....