Game....
so far out of the game... i guess you have to find a game to play... figuratively... well seriously though come to think of it... i never really had any game... im a dork with a dorky personality... friends can attest to that one... eh... nothin to worry about... i think i can find somebody who will love my dorkiness!!! hahahaha... or maybe they'll find me... any way... i find that i am at the gym all the time... like ALL THE TIME... i think it is due to the fact i have self esteem issues... eh... yeah... so what... im trying to resolve them... ok?

Dang... i think im getting old... i cant play video games that long anymore... i remember back in the days i could play a game for hours... now... i can barely play for like 30 minutes... maybe im... maturing... NOOOOOO... not maturing... NEVER... yeah im old... so what... still young at heart and thats all that counts!!!

Taking in words from a youngin... it is nice to have someone to spend time on... i never thought of it like that... time is so precious... you cant ever get time back... you have to make the best out of every hour... minute... every second... time not spent wisely is time wasted... and why not spend that time on somebody you care for... doesnt have to neccessarily have to be a significant other... spend time with a friend... take the time to say hello... you never know how much it would mean to somebody if you just said a simple hello... spend some time on family... take the time out of your busy schedule and do somebody a favor... i guess that is why i want to be a teacher... i want to spend time on kids and make an impact on their lives... ever have a conversation with a kid?... they are smarter than they look... they can make everything in life seem so simple... go ahead have a conversation with a child and you will see that your problems are so trivial... a kids life is how life should be lived... so care free... only worrying about what you are going to during you next recess... or what cartoon you are going to watch when you get home... Thinking girls/boys have cooties and you dont wanna have anything to do with them... nobody REALLY judging you... no real burdons... yeah thats the life...

Only song that gets major playtime in my play list is the heather headly song still... "wish i wasnt" alright thats all for now... its time to get some shut eye... nite

Xanga still down... looks like im using this for now... Lets see what I did today..... i went to class... actually it was a field trip to the abalone farm... i was almost late... went like 100 mph on high way 1.. barely made it tho... learned a whole lot a crap.... actually i didnt... but it was interesting... freaking abalone costs about $105 a pound.... wtf... pretty darn expensive if you ask me... what else... had lunch at Tikki Hut... YAki chicken with extra chicken... need that protein... after lunch went to the gym for about 3 or 4 hours... played ball and then lifted... who knew old guys could be such pussys... called evry single ticky tack foul... jeeze... made me not want to play any more... plus my knee is getting pretty retarded... it hurts at random times now... i dunno... i think it could be just bruised or something...

Well after lifting i took several short naps... sorry for knocking out on you carol... i dunno why i was soo tired... was supposed to go to yamatos for dinner.. but it was crowded... so we ended up going to AJ's instead... i look back and cant believe that i was able to finish the gambler... and i cant believe that i did it 3 times.... jeeze.. no wonder i got fat... dinner was cool... i cant believe huan stole the knives... that clepto... however they are nice knives tho... hahahaah... after dinner we went to watch SWAT... blah... it had its moments... entertaining... thats about it... did my 200 situps tonight.. about to crash out after this entry... chrstine's name is spelled CHRISTINE....... i got it right this time...
haha my mom got freaked out by my voice mail greeting... she got worried... is it that odd that i speak vietnamese to my mom??? haha... alright passing out as i post this so thats it for now...

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Finally.... i get to post something....stupid stupid xanga is down.... i have had to write in freaking microsoft word... but it seems as if xanga may be back up soon.... im going to try out both xanga and blogspot and see which i like better. Let see... i've had lots and lots of things on my mind.... i dont really like talking about things on my mind... its just so much easier to write it down... i've just been worrying a lot lately.... i guess you could say im a worry wart... Sometimes I wonder what will become of me in the next few years... its going to be a huge change... possibly a step in to real life... in a sense you could say that I am afraid. Everything is so uncertain. Before I was so certain of what I wanted. I know for certain that i want to be a teacher.... teaching is my passion... children are my passion.... Not so certain anymore about other things... Before I was certain of what I wanted in a partner... but I don't know anymore... even though there isnt really anything to be worried about... but i guess you could say that i am worried that i will never find the right person..... i definately dont want to be alone my whole life.... i guess you could say the right girl would be the one who is worth ditching my boys for.... NOT LIKE THEY NEED ME ANY WAYS!!!! hahaha.....went to the grad this past saturday.... i didnt do any dancing... didnt really feel like dancing.... i just drank.... and drank... well i talked to Young about stuff... i guess i gotta be some what intoxicated to talk.... he told me not to worry anymore... its in the past.... he wanted to know why i am so anti female... i guess my guard is up.... its not like im talking to anybody... but im not putting in the effort either.... argh blah blah.... i dont even understand my self sometimes... i also talked to him about why SHE bothers me so much.... personally... IM NOT conceited.. but i think im a better person then the current model she has... i dont know him well enough to judge... but i dunno... from what ive seen... i think i have more integrity... im not talking shit... im just making an observation... blah... i dunno what im talking about... im not going to let her change who i am... i may be a better person now... but who knows.. who can say... any way...Thanks Christine for hanging out with me till i sobered up that night.....

NOW lets see... Havent been doing much lately... all i do is wake up.. go to class... have lunch with christine... and sit around and do nothing... then watch movies.... then dinner with my best buddy chrstine... then watch another movie with my best buddy chrstine.... and some how working out fits somewhere into that busy schedule.... haha.... if Marlene is reading this... i HOPE YOUR JEALOUS.... I AM JUST SO MUCH COOLER THAN YOU!...

OK i know this is a long post... I HAVENT BLOGGED IN FOREVER.... i have had questions about this step thing... so here it is

Step 1 - YOu're conciously aware of a motive / something you want fulfilled **an expectation **

- in a relationship standpoint you want a companion, something that you're used to if you've been with them for a long tiime and have to let them go. You needs are that you don't want things to change, you want them there to have fun be intimate, have someone to talk to every morning / every night. These are your *expectations*

Step 2 - You cant get you needs fulfilled / Fear starts to set in.

- YOu can't have what you want and you have to deal with it. Fear starts to set in and you start on the path of self sabbotage. Your mind is what fails you as it seems like all you know is what you want in Step 1. You have a lot of thoughts in your mind and the majority of the thoughts are neggative and that will be your focus for the time being, not school, friend or even the good, simple aspects of your life.

STep 3 - You see people around you progressing.

- IN a relationship stand point where i can relate to you, its seeing the other person happy with another person, going out a lot being busy and basically happy, while you sit thinking, paintstakingly of what you did wrong and why nothing can go right from this point on. Your heart starts failing you as your emotions overtake your logical thought of your life and anything positive that comes along is just coincidental in your mind, a fluke or something that wont last. You start making excuses for yourself being on the lower end as you see people move above you.

*if get to step 4, its a long road back but once you get back you'll be a lot stronger, in ideal circumstances, if you've taken all the steps, you're recognize step 3 as soon as it occurs and be able to adjust your reactions behavior and attitude to allude from fallin in the hole again.

Step 4 - (short and simple) You Lose faith

- Once you lose faith you've lost most if not all of yourself. Your heart fails you and starts to light of like a fireball and control small things like your apetite. The act of getting out of bed and taking a shower can be considered an accomplishment for the day. Its hard to sleep at night without faith in yourself, your future or any happiness, and as hard it is to go to sleep, it's just as hard to STAY asleep, you're awaken in the middle of the night because you can feel the pain in your heart still. This feeling will NOT go away once you've lost faith,
the rest of the email is personal.....

That is courtesy of my friend.... thanks for you knowledge man...

YES i have gone through all of those steps.....it sucks... i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy... like it says.... long road back...

Why is it that freaking sad songs are soooo good..... songs that i listen to a lot lately are "still on my brain" by Justin Timberlake.... oh yeah and heather headly "wish i wasnt"... those songs dont apply to me.... i mean they did apply to me in the past... but not now... i just like it....

thats all for now....