My constant bitching. - old site copied here
Intro.
This is it. The place where I release all my anger. This should be fun. For me anyway. If you don't like it, don't read. Anyway... I am Adelina, a 19 year old female. I live somewhere in the bay area. Near San Francisco. In the Contra Costa county. I hate it here. There are almost no whites around (I am not racist, I just happen to know that less whites equals ghetto-town). I nicknamed my town Mexican-city. It's in Cali in case that seamed blurry, I nicknamed it PotLand Cali. I have no friends. Not because I suck, but because everyone else sucks (well not everyone, but a lot of people and it adds to the drama to say all in staid of some, this applies to all "everyone" to come) . I hate everyone that I know (not really). They are such idiots (not really, again). So I prefer to be alone. To make it all less confusing I lived in Europe (Romania - Bucharest) since I was born until I was 17 and a half, then in Walnut Creek for a month (94596)during the summer of 2002, then moved to North Highlands (Sacramento county) for my senior year, when I finished high school I moved back to the bay area in another city. I am now attending DVC (Diablo Valley College the DVC home page ) which is a shitty community college. I am studying there because I absolutely refused to take the SAT. I can't stand big tests, they make me nervous and my last big test (the one to get into high school that I was forced to take in Romania) had me lose about half my hair (I literarily shed half my hair because of the stress) and a whole lot of weight. So because I don't want that to happen again I preferred a community college. It turned out for the best since it's a lot cheaper than an University. And on the diploma it won't say where I went for how many years (I hope). I plan on transferring to a UC (maybe UC Davis - it's near Sacramento).
My mom spoils me. I live with my aunt. I don't have to work because my mom pays for everything. I am the best in most of all my classes (if not .1 than among the first 3). I occupy my time by writing on-line journals and making web pages (such as this). As soon as I solve my health problems I will fill my time with other things. Such as a job, voluntary work and clubs. But all in due time. Health comes first. That's about all I want to say at this point.
This is me! Hate me, like me, whatever you want. Chances are I wouldn't care since I probably don't know you. If I did know you, I'd probably hate you too! So read my page or fuck off!
The surgery from hell.
Ok... here we go.
And yet another site. This time I have chosen what I want to put in it. And even if it may not be so great it seams OK for now.
What is it you ask? Well doh! It's me bitching about things. Like now I fell like bitching about how much I can't stand what Jason is doing.
My insurance didn't want to pay some bills and I got warnings and such from people that treated me (this is a medical insurance). So I called my insurance (of course). They babbled for about an hour giving me the reason that they can't get some old medical files of mine. From a doctor that treated me like one year ago. Why you ask? Because the doctor moved her office. So I asked for a phone number to talk to the hospital. They said they can't release the medical file unless I fill out a release form.
So far, so good. So I ask them to mail me a release form. Three weeks pass and no form in the mail. Now I have a surgery pending that the insurance refused to pay for. Now if I don't get this surgery than I will get about one urinary tract infection a month. With the pain and fever and all that good stuff. ( I don't feel like explaining what my health problem is.)
But before this. I was talking to Jason, my so called boyfriend. I told him what problems I was having with the insurance and he offered to help, since he lives in Sacramento. I moved from there a few months ago. That's where my doctor treated me. I now live somewhere in the bay area, about 2 hours (of driving) from Sacramento. I would have never thought of asking him because he is not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer. But whatever. I asked him to get me a file release form from Mercy Gen (where I was treated). And he said that he refuses to drive there (it's like 20 minutes away from his house) because it's far. So I said ok. He told me that he will ask his mom (she works at Mercy Gen) to bring him a release from that he could bring back to me. All good so far.
So he comes to visit the week after we had the talk and he informs me that there are a multitude of forms that his mom couldn't get it and that she doesn't know which to bring. Now his mom is not stupid, so I assumed she didn't want to help. That's ok.
Than yesterday I call his mom for directions to Mercy Gen, because I decided to drive there (mostly to get my mom off my back). She acts like Jason never told her what I need. And when I let her know I wanted the file release form she seamed surprised. Then she says that if she knew that's what I needed she could have gotten it for me long ago.
Which brings me back to Jason. He is so stupid. I always considered him smart but I changed my mind. If I had to tell him 5 times what form I need and he still didn't get it, obviously he is thick. That would have been ok if he wouldn't have offered to help. So because of his lack of any intelligence (in the logical use of previously owned information to solve new problems kind of way) I had to drive to Sacramento and back. To fill out a stupid form. Finding the File Release Office and filling out the form all took me 5 minutes. So I wasted 4 hours of driving to do something that took me 5 minutes.
All because of :
the incompetence of my insurance company,
the ignorance of the nurse that I talked to (she didn't mail me the form),
the stupidity of Jason.
Now, that all makes me a little angry. So typing all this helps. But I mean really.... how stupid can you get? Blah. On this lovely note I end my bitching.
Chat elite.
So I was sitting here in front of my lovely computer (that sucks ass, I hate it) and I thought about yet another thing I don't like.
You as a normal person that visits chat rooms might not be aware of this but... there is such a thing as chat elite. This chat elite is made of "Regs" or people that come to a certain chat room regularly. Now I might not be familiar with all Regs and I am almost sure that not all chat rooms have them but in any event...
About a year and 6 months ago (summer 2002, July) I made my entrance into Yahoo! chat. The reason I did this was so I could talk to my boyfriend (we were together at the time) from Romania. You see before July 2003 I lived in Europe. I moved to USA on June 27th. It all started off in the Teen/Europe room, of course. Since I was a teen (17 years old) and an European (doh). After about a month of living here (long distance relationships are stupid and they would never work for me) Alex (my boyfriend at the time) and I broke up. That made me migrate to other chat rooms. I decided to limit myself to the Teen chat rooms because I hate old perverts that drool over young girls (little did I know that they are in the teen rooms also). There were a few weeks of me going from room to room. In the end I found one room where people's accumulated IQ seamed to be higher than all the other rooms I have visited (not by much, but still). That room was called "The Graveyard". A place for teens into the Gothic scene (or so the welcome message said). It became my little on-line home. I would be found there most of the free time I had. Why? Because I had just moved here and I had no friends (besides I was missing the ones I left behind). It took me a while (of course) to get to know people at my school. When I got to know them I realized they are complete morons and I was better off with my chat buddies (since there was always the ignore button if any of them annoyed me). I don't know if this applies to all Americans, or all Californians, but it applies to all the Americans/Californians I know personally: they are thick and preoccupied with the dumbest things (also the girls wear too much makeup/hair products and everyone has done/is doing pot and/or other illegal drugs). I found myself stranded on an island of fools where I seamed mad just because I wasn't like them. I then denied myself the "privilege" of having American friends. And limited myself to "fake" friends on chat. Yes I know they are only text on a screen and no I am not crazy.
I got a little off track here. I was talking about this chat elite. Being in the same room all the time I observed people that are found there most times and that know each other by first name (90% of them type and spell "perfectly" and even use proper grammar). I didn't pay much attention to it until recently. A certain male from the UK (a very mean individual that I have grown to like over time) drew my attention toward this chat elite they call "Regs". I always considered myself a Reg since I was there REGularly for over a year (even if I hardly spell/type properly and my grammar is horrible).
Their politics corrupted me. I now knew I had to know at least some of them to be able to have a nice chat (if you can't beat them join them). In about a month I came to my senses. I am now going there a lot less often and spending a lot less time (I used to put in at least 8 hours a day). Before being corrupted I thought this whole E-Status (internet/chat status) was pretty amusing and pointless. And now, after I came to my senses I believe the same thing.
The reason that I came to my senses (yes I see the repetition) was a little argument between me and 3 Regs. They ganged up on me one day and started saying I lie and I am not even Romanian and well a lot of other things (that I don't recall at the moment). I found myself actually trying to protect my E-Status by bringing proof and fighting back (which was silly of me).
Shortly after the incident I told myself that if their politics make me do silly things I should "divorce" them. Which I did and I am still doing it (I hate going cold turkey). Looking back on it I learned a lesson: never be corrupted by somebody else’s rules. That is the lesson I am trying to teach you.
I end this now, with the promise to cover genocide, anarchy, how much my computer sucks and nihilism some other time. Now that I don't go to chat anymore (not as much anyway) I will probably have enough time to do this.
My lovely computer adventure.
Technology at it's worse.
I have loved computers ever since I found out they existed. Imagine my joy when I got to actually play with one (I was using a very early version of paint). Now imagine my joy when my mother announced me that I get to have a computer just because I am cool like that. Of course my knowledge of computers at the time (not that it improved much) was limited. My uncle, Victor, helped me pick out one from Best-Buys. I loved this computer (I still do even if it sucks, despite the fact that I state I hate it every time it pisses me off) like no other lifeless object before. At first I used AOL (which I came to regret very much over time, they harassed me for as long as I had my cell phone working) than I got cable (Comcast). All was ok... So it worked a little slow and horribly annoying things poped up every time I restarted (like AIM and ICQ which I uninstalled at one point) but it was mine! My own computer. In Romania I wouldn't have dreamed of such a "high performance" machine (Pentium 3).
It broke on many occasions. I had to reformat about 6 maybe 7 times since I have had it. But thank heavens for customer support. I even had the whole computer replaced 2 times and my screen one time (stupid MAG LCD). I have an HP. It runs with Windows XP Home edition (for anyone that plans on cracking my computer I have no additional firewall except the one Windows comes with and no anti-virus). I think I got rid of most (if not all) of the useless programs (I also make a point out of performing a periodical search for "AOL" and delete every file that contains anything connected to them) but it still runs shitty. Now I have DSL. Why did I change to DSL? I didn't, my aunt did (I live with my aunt Domnica, she is single, and about 50.. I think). I also share the house with 2 cousins Florian (a 15 year old male) and Violet (a 23[?] year old female), except for them my mom sometimes sleeps here (her clothes and other stuff are here but she works a lot and spends plenty of time at my other aunt Cristina‘s house [Victor's wife] ).
To add to the fact that it runs shitty (sometimes I want to smash my computer with a hammer) Best-Buy is like a black-hole for money. My mom has been making ($35 per month, or more, I can't remember) payments for the computer since we bought it (August 2002) and the amount she has left to pay is identical with the initial one (about $2000, which I now realize is too much). So all the money that she put in are gone, they vanished into thin air. Since my mom’s English is bad (almost not existent) the duty of calling Best-Buys’, (we have a Best-Buy credit card, on my name and Victor's) and asking them where the hell all of our (her) money went, was laid on my shoulders. If you think the money disappearing act was strange you should try getting someone to talk to you about a Best-Buy credit card. I even went to one of their stores and asked to speak to someone (they told me to call the number I had already called). It got me nowhere. There is absolutely no way (that I have found) to get a statement for their card.
For the longest time I believed that my computer was possessed. Because of it's irrational behavior. The periodical speaking in tongues. And of course that one time when the screen rotated 360 degrees and then it projectile vomited green stuff on me (not really, but it would have been amusing if it had happened).
To resume:
the computer runs shitty,
it breaks down every now and then,
I have been forced to reformat (which is unnecessary for other computers),
it has been replaced with a new one 2 times (and the screen once),
it's way too expensive,
the money paid for it have disappeared in a puff of corporate magic.
Best-friend drama.
I used to have a subscription to a teen magazine for girls so I still get offers from similar magazines. I got a free copy of the March YM edition today. One of the articles made me think of my best friend.
Back in Romania I have had about one best friend every two years. Not to get into many details... I had one best friend in 5th grade (Alina), but she was super-popular and seamed to never have enough time for me. The second one I might have had since the 6th grade (I have a bad memory) she was very competitive and physically tried to hurt me. [I was stronger than her, even if I didn't look upon the fight as a "serious" one. What hurt me was that she didn't like me. It turned out that the whole thing started when a very cute guy that she liked (which she never told me about) asked me out. I said no (even if I didn't know how my best friend felt) just because I don't date guys for looking good and in all honesty he was in great need of a brain. It turned out bad.] After that I started being friends with another girl (I share my first name with her, Adelina is my middle one) Ioana. Ioana and I got to be best friends because we both bashed on Monica (my former best friend)[Q: Why did we bash on Monica? A: Because Monica started spreading horrible rumors about me. And she was doing all of this behind me, since she knew I could win an argument with her easily and she now knew that I was stronger then her so a physical confrontation would not be a smart thing for her to start]. Our friendship (Ioana's and mine) ended with 8th grade because we went to different high schools. So before I knew it her and I were not talking to each other anymore.
High school started and it was horrible. I didn't know anyone there and it seamed like everybody knew something that I didn't (not in the school way but in the how to act/what to say way). I started hanging out with this one girl (Elena) that was ugly and very smart (she had very low self esteem, because of that I regret talking to her in the first place). Elena was not my best friend. I just hang out with guys for the most part and one girl (regularly) and she was the girl I hanged out with for the most part. Also there were 2 other girls Alina and Ionela, but they seamed to be best friends with each other (2 works better, 3 is a crowd). Elena transferred to a better high school and I found myself lacking a best bud. Another girl in my clasa (clasa in Romania is a group of like 25-30 students that share each and every class) Oana had her “best friend” move out of the city to get married (at age 14, that was pretty stupid of her to do). So I found myself hanging out with Oana.
We became best friends. And I still consider her my best friend. Me, Oana, Ionela and Alina were (arguably) the prettiest girls in our high school that always seamed to have an advantage over any other girl. I had my little (huge about 100 in numbers) group of guys that I hanged out with every now and then (not all at once silly). Oana had her “best-known people in school” group she hanged out with now and then, Alina had her group and so on. All went well (with very small and few exceptions). Each of us (the great quarto) had a crush on a jock (that was popular doh) and each kept mostly to their own.
Trouble started when a very popular girl, Anca, started to take a liking in me. She started hanging out with me, calling me all the time (she was annoying). I let her hang around me just because it gave me the opportunity to step on people I couldn't dare do so before. Oana got pissy about it. And she "gave me my space". Soon after this I started dating a gorgeous guy that Oana liked (not really liked in the “she wanted to date him” way, just kind of). I even invited her to my b-day and made out with him in front of her (that was mean I admit). After the relationship ended with that guy (my relationships have not really lasted beyond 1 month, except very few) I started hanging out with one of my guy friends. He was harmless enough for me to do so. I suppose you can call him my best friend, but I didn't share any dark secrets or anything like that with him, so I wouldn't (name him my best friend).
Before I left for US, the girls (Ionela, Alina, Oana) and I were suppose to meet and print out the pictures I had taken (the ones I wanted to have a memory of them when I came here). Some miscommunication happened as a result of which Oana and I got there too early. We developed the pictures shared them with the girls and then spend some alone time. We talked and talked. I told her that I have never thought of anyone else to be as close to me as she was. And that no matter what happens there will be no other like her. We hugged and made up. I left Romania. Got here and hated everyone, mostly because I missed my friends back home. Oana and I kept in touch through letters.
I started to write this because of an article, but the last paragraphs were meant to give you the short history behind everything. The article I read was about friends being too competitive with each other. It made me think of a few times when I tried to do something better than Oana (not on purpose) or I saw her trying to do something better than me. It wasn't until recently that I saw how much we tried to compete with each other.
It's not just her it's Monica (she was the worse) and Anca. For some reason Anca, despite all her popularity and guys that liked her, (she) wanted something I had. She wanted the style I have. Style in the "I am not acting like a stupid 16 year old girl that doesn't know how to talk to people or dress without overly colorful clothes, or wear too much makeup" kind of way. So I knew how to dress myself and put makeup on, so I have had a lot of boyfriends in my “love“ live (which I am not so proud of anyways, and no I am not a whore I left Romania a virgin mind you, with only one guy reaching 3rd base, once, when I was drunk) that didn't make me any happier or better than she was. Anca tried to be better than me at how I talked and treated people and especially at how calm I was about anything that happened to me or her... Monica tried to be better in school and how many guys she can get and blah... This all seams so unimportant to me compared to the simple memory of the time Oana told me "I (Oana) was so nervous to meet Sebi (a guy-friend of mine) especially since you (Adelina) knew him before me and (you) told me how well you two get along". Sigh.
I don't make many friends that are not very close to me. I always get along perfectly with my friends and have a great relationship with them. It even went to their girlfriends hating me (in more than one occasion) just because they (the guys) would tell me their secrets and prefer talking to me in staid of them (the angry girlfriends).
I miss Oana so much. No matter what happens she will always be my best friend. I know for a fact that she never had a best friend like me before. We were more than sisters. It was just exactly what I always wanted from a friendship. The little competitive things are just stuff that I don't like to think about. I am quite competitive by nature. Even if I think highly of myself, I always (almost always) want to be the first and the best at everything. The best meaning I might have to leave my best friend behind. I have not tried to be better than Oana (on purpose, I usually saw it after I had done it). I respect her and I have wanted to stay out of any of her business. The point was we were competing for some things.
What I am trying to say is: "don't let stupid little things get between you and your true friends". True friends don't come easy and ruining things because of something small would be stupid. I have had one true friend all my life, Oana. And because of that I feel I have accomplished something great. Not many can say (truthfully) that they had even one real friend all their life. So if you have one, consider yourself lucky and appreciate them, before it's too late.
Old boyfriends.
I was in my bed resting when I remembered the "only" guy that got away. Strangely I saw myself telling him that he was lucky because of this.
I started having boyfriends since the 5th grade. I was with my first boyfriend for about a year and a half. The cute thing is that we never even held hands, let alone kiss. But yeah... We went out once, for ice-cream. I dated about 7 guys between 5th and 8th grade. I think those were my best years of dating. Even if one of those guys stalked my for about 5 years after we broke up and other drama. I saw him in June 2003 and he was still obsessing about me. When high school started life went to shit. New people, new customs. I was like stranded on another planet. The cultural shock was big. For 2 years (8th and 9th grade) I was single. I liked a few guys but it never happened (I'll get into it in a minute). One of the guys I liked was named Vlad. I was so much in-love. He was glowing every time I looked at him and oah... Anyway he was a little pussy and even if he knew I liked him and he liked me back nothing ever happened. In the 10th grade he finally gathered the guts to tell me he likes me while drunk. When he got sober he started obsessing about me like my ex-boyfriend. Another was the hottest guy in my classes. I liked him a lot. We eventually hooked up at his b-day party summer of 2002. It didn't work out. The third guy is the guy that got away. His name is Adi, I liked him for about 1 year. He looks kind of like the actor that played in The karate kid.
Adi was one of two children of my dad's high school friend Petrica (short for Petre). His (Petrica's) other child was a daughter that was older than Adi and me by 2 years (Simona, I think). I am sure that things would have happened between Adi and I if she (his sister) wasn't always around us, constantly (grrr). Now I feel like telling you about how I got to "date" around 50 guys. Yes, 50, you read right. But for this I will need to get out my black-book (I love that nickname for it). *Gets it.* All right. Oh look! I have names in here. I started this black-book when I realized I was beginning to forget guys that I went out with. Most all of the are athletes. I love athletes.
I don't feel like revealing the content of my book. I just have it out for the purposes to count certain things. Out of the 50 guys I only considered 15 of them to be my boyfriends. The others were guys that I hooked up with at a party or something like that. Out of these 50 guys I pecked 30 on the lips and made out with 20. Only had sex with one.
I must admit that I took a bit of a break while writing this to go through my black-book and write in my last 2 boyfriends (and some other guy I made out with once). It all seamed so much simpler back then. I wish relationships were as easy for me now. O
h yeah... I started to write this because I considered Adi to be lucky for not being my boyfriend. Why? Because I am not exactly completely sane (nobody really is, I just happen to admit it). But not only that. As I grew up I didn't date guys for more than 1 month. I don't know, I guess my expectations grew with time and there was nobody who could live up to them. Why did I have higher expectations? Simple! I started hanging out with certain 3 girls (reference to Best-friend drama.). I couldn't just go out with anyone and blah blah blah my love life went to shit. That should be a lesson to me: "never set your standards according to your friends."
Now that they are not around I can go back to being my old self. That might not be a good thing but I have matured and that changes things. Which would mean I won't go back to being "my old self". Damned figures of speech.
I wanted to type (just now) that I will take a long break after Jason but now I see that that would be wrong. Imposing such things as "be single for 6 months" on myself can bring nothing but trouble. I should relax about relationships though. In the sense that I shouldn't "be looking" every time I am single and that I should definitely not devote any time to analyzing the guys around me to see which would be best for me. Relationships should be based on those hormones released by the brain that make us feel things. Yes, I am talking about feelings.
I think I taught myself something by writing this. Now to continue the tradition... The thing to be learned is that feelings should be the only base of relationships not stupid rules and standards.