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Shortly after the Danglers 14-12 loss to the Kabul Nationals on Tuesday evening, the Danglers saw Chris Marston head for the hills as he blamed numerous people and things on his departure from the league. Brian "The Junk" Cooke was added to the Danglers roster to replace Marston, who was 2-0 on the mound this season with an ERA over 7, and who had carried the team offensively with 7 home runs. Cooke is known throughout Wiffle Ball Nation as a dominating pitcher who can mix pitches effectively and toss a lot of offspeed and junk pitches, giving him the well-known nickname of "The Junk" throughout the WWBL.
"I know some people don't want blacks in the WWBL," said Cooke in a press conference Tuesday. "But hey, here I come, ready to overcome anything that steps in "The Junk's" way. The way I look at it is if I can get the bastard at the plate to swing twice, then get him looking at the junk on the third, that's a strikeout no matter how you look at it. It's always ninety feet to first, so I dare you to try and outrun my tag."
Commissioner/Player Matt Buotte was disappointed to see Marston exit after just four games with the team, after he was acquired through an off-season trade. Marston lead the team in nearly every category, both pitching and hitting.
"I'm disappointed to see him go," said Buotte. "He's a good player at this level, and I'm sure he'll eventually land somewhere. There are plenty of teams out there, not necessarily in the WWBL, but in other leagues around the state, that could use a top notch player. I think that having 'The Junk' on my side will certainly spark a playoff drive, and hopefully give our franchise a fresh start."
Cooke can't wait to begin work with his new team.
"It's game-time bitches," said Cooke. Cooke's addition to the league now represents a nationality from four of the major six continents (Basistyy-Europe, Sarwari-Asia, Cooke-South America, everyone else-North America). "You have awoken a wiffle ball legend, and that's just something you don't want to do. You will be sorry to feel what it's like to watch that ball bend past your star struck face and into that ratty net you all call a strike zone. And hey, if I happen to graze your face with a heater, don't walk your old a*s out to the plate like you're bad, 'cause I'll straight Pedro your a*s to the ground. Holla back; Danglers goin' straight to the top."
With concerns about Tyler Butts commitment to the WWBL and his geograhpic location in the city of Westbrook nearly four miles from Welch Field, speculations about Butts playing any longer raged throughout the WWBL scene. Thursday afternoon, suspicions were confirmed, as Joel Chadbourne replaces Butts, wearing the same #41 on Team Ti Amo.
"I'm very upset," said Butts after the deal was made. "I didn't want to quit--I sort've got forced into it." Butts has been designated for assignment, and should any WWBL player suffer an injury, he will take their spot.
"He was just being a sorry a*s," said league home run leader and former teammate, Alex Welch. "He didn't have the mindset to play in this league. It was a steal getting Joel to play. He will 'crush homers' and lives a lot closer, so it's easier. Don't forget, he's a chef too."
The transaction senet shockwaves throughout the WWBL, but Chadbourne remained cool in accepting the honor.
"It's a f***ing honor and I live down the f***ing street," said Chadbourne, who had 7 RBI in his debut Thrusday. "Butts lives in east bumf*ck, so it's tough for him. I mean, you all think I'm just the fat a*s cook, well I'm here to f*** up this league."
Chadbourne was 14-22 with no homers and seven RBI in his Ti Amo debut in a 19-0 murder of the Ill-Tempered Sea Bass on Thursday evening.
"I'll still follow the league," said Butts. "I'll be the discertional fan. I'm probably either pulling for the Danglers or the Sea Bass now."
Below is a list of competitors calling each other out through the media:
Sarwari to Johnson: "Kid talks so much sh*t. I can't wait to play him to see whos good then."
Nicholas to Johnson: "That kid thinks hes like good or something? Well wait 'til we play them...I'll brawl with that kid if he even throws anything close to me."
Buotte to Clouter/Casavant: "You guys suck."
Sarwari to WWBL: "First off, I'd like to say that Me and Mike are the best players in the league. There should be a fee just to play against us...we're that good. Now I'd like to call out the homosexual b*tches, like Zach Johnson. He like thinks he's good, but those are bullsh*t stats.
Now, to this Casavant kid. He's the most emo thing I've ever seen. Emo kids should not be allowed to play against the amazing talent in this league such as myself. Casavant and Cloutier are the worst Wiffle ball players I've ever seen. I personally think that they are gay for each other. I think the league needs to watch out for their nasty pitching [note the sarcasm].
And finally, as for Dunphe and Stas, man I dunno what's going on there. They're in Russia doing some weird sh*t to each other or something. I have'nt seen their black asses in ages. I have heard, however, that Stas is being personally trained by the Staubles and has no hits in 50 games for the Russian Marriot League team. Stas has to make his choice...get his a*s kicked by his fellow Russians, or get his a*s kicked by me.
Now, to Alex Welch: that kid is like .0000001 as good of a player as me. But I respect him; he's got dedication to this league, like when he injures himself diving on the tar..because Butts did it! I notice how he is quiet on the field, because he thinks that if he's quiet, you can hear Sevendust.
And finally, to the "WWBL Commish" Matt Buotte. He thinks he runs the show, but I'm the show, and he doesn't run me. I'm the reason the seats are full every night. Without me, there is no league. Buotte believes that he has talent, but really, he's just a school boy bitch 'cause he makes pussy a*s verbal jabs through the media, and I'm gonna have to kick his a*s."
It's been an intense season so far, as this article might illustrate.
"I was very disappointed with the first day of the WWBL season. Overall, things did not go as smoothly as planned. I was disappointed in the play of the Sea Bass, and especially disappointed in the Kabul Nationals. In this league, from this point on, we will play rain or shine no matter what. In a highly competitive environment like we play in, there is no time for forfeits or overall lack of quality in play like the Sea Bass showed today. I look forward to a better remaining 58 games."-WWBL Comissioner Matt Buotte
