I Love You

Jan

If I could look to the future,

I know what I want to see:

You and I standing there,

that it is meant to be.

The soft touch of you fingers,

as they slowly intertwine,

our hands clasped together,

yours within mine.

Our hands holding each other,

as we walk in the park.

You draw closer to me

as it gets dark.

My arm goes over your shoulder,

you claim my jacket too.

Anything that I have,

will all be given to you.

The feelings I get,

as I gaze into your eyes,

the brown reflections I see,

have me mesmerized.

The emotions I feel,

when I think of your love;

it is like pure relief,

as to Noah, the dove.

You have called forth,

beckoned my soul from beyond.

It's return is hastened,

it yearns for this new bond.

You are infinite fodder,

for my starving heart,

which thought it would die,

from it's last part.

A part in which I was rejected,

cast off and called no more.

Your love has reawakened,

those things I'd felt before.

Your smile tells me,

the blackness will subside.

You offer a chance at life.

Can I walk in stride?

Will I allow myself,

to risk it all again,

In the name of your love,

can I ask myself to open?

Can I subject myself,

to a game more of chance?

Or will I let is slip away,

and not make a pounce?

I don't know what I'd want,

I don't know where I'd be,

if I ever thought at all,

that you didn't love me.

That is something I never questioned,

at least, not until now.

But I must find an answer,

I must learn how.

How much do I love thee?

That is what I must know.

And when I have answered that,

Will we be able to grow?

I pray that I ask not in vain,

that I can act fast,

and seize the chance,

to make my life at last.

To sow the seeds of love,

between you and I.

And watch through the years

as we grow together and die.

I know you will take

guardianship of my spirit.

You've helped me so much,

but I've been to blind to see it.

Will my sight be restored in time,

soon enough to enjoy what you can give?

Or must I submit myself again,

to the resignation that it hurts to live.

If I could only look to the future,

and know what to do or say.

Then I can enjoy that walk with you,

on that very special day.

That walk in the park,

each others hand we are holding.

And so much more than that,

before, after, and during.

Until that day may come,

I will spend each night,

asking for guidance in what to say,

doing what I hope is right.

So that we may be together,

if that is how it is meant to be.

And our love will last forever,

until the end of eternity.

I wish I knew what to do.

Where to go, who to see.

I wish I knew what to say,

so you could be with me.

I wish I knew what was right,

and what was wrong.

I wish my heart would tell me,

why it's been quiet so long.

What am I supposed to do?

What do I want to be?

These are the questions,

that keep plaguing me.

I thought I escaped them before,

I thought I had answered them true.

But now I find out how wrong I was,

and that I don't know what to do.

I was so sure I knew what I wanted,

that I sacrificed all of it.

I gave my entire heart to her,

and she destroyed it.

So, I traveled on a long, hard road,

the one called "recovery."

I put my life back together,

and made a new discovery.

I was young and inexperienced.

I knew so little about love.

I missed something right in front of me,

something I never thought of.

I never stopped to think,

what you could possibly mean to me,

so sure was I that I was right,

that I would make a pact for eternity.

That promise was never kept,

and thankfully never made.

But the danger I thought was averted,

just returned in spades.

I was left with pain,

weeping and sorrow kept me company.

I just ambled on with life,

nothing was even funny.

Depression was I mired in so deep,

I thought there was no way out.

Until I called you one day,

the day that I threw her out.

Did I just bring over,

the love I wanted before,

and through it to you,

leaving it at you door?

I think not,

though no one will believe me.

I think I was just wrong,

and wanted to learn to see.

I wanted to see what you are,

what promise your soul may hold.

Now I find that door is closed,

forever, from what I've been told.

Perhaps it was meant to be this way,

someday, I might see it through.

But today, I find only one thing:

I mourn for the loss of you.

What am I to do,

when life proves its not fair?

What can I do,

how can I best get there?

That place that I want to be,

so badly that I can't wait.

The joys for true love,

I want it to be my fate.

What once was,

I know is no longer.

And what can be,

no one can ponder.

What is left,

I just don't know.

Is it just intermission,

or is it the end of the show?