My sobriety began August 14th 1995.

I was an only child, adopted into an abusive family; abused mentally and sexually. As an adult, I was abused physically, mentally and sexually.

First, I would like to say,
"I do not blame anything that happened to me on alcoholism."
I am an alcoholic
~ not because I was abused, molested or adopted.

I drank and took drugs to hide from myself and run. I could not live being me. The memories of childhood continued to reoccur and I was full of fear, and did not talk about them. So, alcohol and drugs saved me, I thought, at that time.

Actually, I believe, today, that it did help ... until it destroyed me. So, what it did is to help me destroy myself. That is what I wanted to do, to destroy myself. I went from men to men, drink-to-drink, and drug-to-drug so as not to feel. I let others abuse me because the pain in side was killing me. So, the pain from the out side was better. As a child, I mutilated myself; cut and bit myself until I would bleed. Having physical pain was better than the inner pain.

Life is a gift. I have a chance to live my life all over again. I was, what you call, a victim. The difference from then and now is ~ I am not a doormat or a victim, anymore. I say this because I see too many people that have been abused as children and as adults. They blame themselves and they live unhappy lives. Some even kill themselves.

Having gotten sober, for the first time, in Feb of 1995 ... I stayed sober for the next 6 months in a recovery house. Only, I would like to share what happened to me the last week, when I went back out and drank, because this, to me, is God showing me what my future will be if I continue to drink and use drugs.

I was drinking and could not stop. Feeling miserable, I was in an abusive relationship. Fear kept me from leaving and I was too deep into that kind of lifestyle. I had to face the truth. I was desperate and wanted help.

Looking into the mirror, I saw death in my eyes and wanted to end my life. I went to the park and cried, and cried. Actually, I was yelling like a crazy lady. Then, I got on my knees at the park and started to pray; asking for help. I was not calm and it was not a pretty sight to see. I said, "God, help me." (I said some other things, too. Though, I am not sure exactly what I said.) I was so tired of being me and was to the point I would do whatever I had to do, to stop drinking. I had to let go and let God take over and help me.

A couple days later, sitting under a tree at that same park, I saw a homeless lady walking with a dog, a man, and a cart. I had never seen her before. While I was crying, she walked up to me and asked, "What is wrong? You look too young and too pretty to look so sad."

I said nothing. She smelled of beer and was very dirty. Not knowing what was going on, I just cried.

She told me that she was staying at the park, in a trailer, for 3 days and, if I needed a place to stay, I could join her. She also told me about herself. She was abused for 15 years and showed me her metal screws and pins in her legs and arms, and scars from being beaten and choked.

She had no idea that I was in an abusive relationship. This lady had no teeth. She told me her story and all I could do was cry. I grabbed her, hugged her, and sobbed. I never liked to hug people or look into people’s eyes. But, I did with this lady. I cried and cried, held on to her, and said, "Thank you." I never did tell her I was being abused. I just said, "I am ok."

She said, "Well, if you need me, come back here tomorrow." The next day came and I did not go back to the park. But, I did get help in a womens' sober living home. I stayed there for 5 months, got sober, and got a job.

Sober, to this day, God sent this lady to me ~ to talk to me, in the park. I believe that this homeless lady is my Angel. God used her to help me. I do not know where that lady is. I watched her walk off. She did not turn or anything. She just kept walking until she disappeared.

Being so grateful for that lady, I go back to that park (every once in awhile) to see if my Angel is in the park. I go, wishing I could see her again; to hug her and thank her for saving my life. I have been sober ever since. And, to this day, I know that God worked through her to reach me.

I believe she is my mirror image; that, if I drink and go back to my old lifestyle, I am that homeless lady I met at the park. God uses all different kinds of people to help His children. God is a gentlemen. He does not force His way in to our lives.

I have to welcome Him into my life and He will walk with me forever.

The greatest love I have found is from God

~ right inside of me.~

"God so loved the world that He gave the world you."

Thank you God.

Copyright © by Angela Contreras

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Click on the links below.

Angellady's home page.

Angellady's Childhood Warning can be triggering.

Angellady is letting go with love.

"We never graduate in recovery."

"My Earth Angel."

Angellady's Better-half.

Angellady's Groups and photos.

Angellady's first marriage.

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