Letting go with love.

Thank you Jeannie for this beautiful Award. You touched my heart God has sure blessed you my friend.

To visit Jeannie's website go to the bottom of this page and click on to the link called

"Sweet Dreams Our Made Of These."

Thank you Kacey for this graphic on child abuse..

On this page I share about why I let go of my son.
I pray one day we will meet again under better circumstances.

I was going through a tough time in the year 2000 in December I was taken to court by my son and mother.

My son went in to the court system in 2001 because he had so much anger he did not want to forgive me. His anger turned in to poison

it was like a bomb waiting to explode.

I had to let go of him.

The last five and a half years of my sobriety, my son and I were re-establishing are relationship.

I was taking my part and making amends. He was living with me he had an anger problem we were dealing with it, but when I developed some physical problems as a result of my alcoholism, I had to stop working, and start taking care of myself. Life started to change

My son started to threaten me even more than he has been. I did not take the threats seriously. I was in denial. I was on disability, I had no income and my mother was trying to get money from me.

My son and my mother threatened me many times in my life in and out of sobriety but I did not take them and their actions seriously.

The day came when my son and my mother took me to court it is a long story but I feel it is important to share.

I have tears in my eyes as am telling you this. I had to let go of my son, because he and my mother threatened to kill me, it got real bad. My mother stated it in one of her declarations in court about how my son wants me dead.

I let my son go into the court system. I had to keep my sanity and my sobriety. I have seen too many teenagers acting out doing things like this.

I did not want to be in the newspapers as a victim of my mother and son killing me. My mother and son have threatened to hurt and kill me off and on before I was sober and when I got sober.

I did not take them serious; I was not in reality. I believed at that time my mother and son were just trying to get me back for my drinking and my rages.

It was not something I wanted to believe so I put my wall up and did not believe them. The same wall I had used as a child.

I find myself using that wall when I get into pain, that I cannot seem to control. Finally I started to believe them because they lied more and more and did everything they could to make me react to them.

My mother wanted me to act like I used to. I used to be very angry in my past and my mother hated me for not being the dancer she wanted me to be.

My mother told me: “I will do anything I can to make you give up.” I was told: “We hate you, and want we you dead.” They both let me know what they would do to hurt me, and they both reminded me that they hold a $100,000 life insurance policy on me in the event of my death.

So I took them seriously and believed them. I needed to let go and so I signed a withdrawal in the courts and my son is in the system now.

I told the judge the truth, the threats and the lies. I told the judge all about my abusive childhood and why I fear my son to be with my mother. I told the judge all about my drinking and all about my recovery.

My mother by that time already told the judge all about my past and exaggerated and lied about my past. So I filled him in with the truth the whole truth.

My son is still with my mother at this time in 2001 but I do not think he will be with her permanently because I spoke out and told the truth about all the abuse and the phone calls and threats.

The judge has not made the decision as yet. They are checking my son’s living environment before they make the decision of where he will be living. My son has been court ordered to go to therapy; I was able to obtain that court order.

I am grateful that the judge agreed with me on that. My mother almost had a fit, when she heard that. The court made him go to therapy. As far as I know he is still in therapy.

Maybe he can get the help I did not get when I was a child. The reason the court gave my mother temporary custody was because my son stood up and told lies about me; he was doing anything and everything for the approval of my mother.

My son has lived with my mother most of his life. When I was drinking I was in so much denial about my childhood abuse I left my son with her. I had no proof that he was being abused, he was able to choose where to live my son chose to live with her.

It is sad but true, my mother got what she wanted she took my son, brained washed him and mentally abused him, so my son turned into what I used to be-a raging idiot. My mother did it out of anger she had for me to get back at me for not being the daughter she wanted me to be. She did not think of my son all she was thinking was to make sure I cannot get him she told me so day after day.

I hope in a few months, the court will put my son in a stable environment I do not know where he is. I cannot make legal contact with him until he is an adult. For my own safety I have to just go on and continue my life.

I have to be positive. I want to be there for my son, if he chooses to re-establish a relationship. I don’t trust him but I do believe everyone in the world can change if they choose to.

I am a living example of someone who chose to get help and change. My life won’t change if I don’t change my thoughts and reactions to the things that occur in life. It is a daily process for me.

Situations happen in life and we have to grow up. I cannot fix anyone like you cannot fix me.

I had to continue to get help for myself in dealing with the anger and rage I had within me as a result of the actions of my mother and son.

People were there to help me. I had to be there to receive the help.

I hate to say this, but most people that have been abused like I have, if they do not get help, they become molesters, rapists, and murderers.

I was in enough pain to get help, I was given a gift that gift was desperation.

I am grateful for that gift, it made me get help and accept the help that was given to me. It made me grow up.

I was willing to do anything to stop drinking and change my life.

I hope this story will make people stop and think before they act on their thoughts.

I hope it opens someone’s mind on taking one more drink or acting out in anger.

Maybe my story will let people know that there is life after hell.

You can have a good life.

I have tried all I could since 1995 to make amends to my family all I wanted was for them to forgive and love me. I found out that I couldn’t force anyone to love me.

All I can do is be a person who can give love to others; it's up to them to accept that love. I have come to believe that we all have been given free will from God, and my family has exercised their free will.

I have to accept that I have to continue to change myself. I cannot continue to be a victim. Without change there is no growth.

I believe that life on life’s terms happens but I need to live life on God’s terms. I have to change my reactions to the situations that come into my life.

I have to let myself have faith and trust in something I cannot see or touch. After about six months of getting on with my life and letting go I received a letter in the mail saying it’s over the court is over I did not owe any money and they made it sound like my son was taken away from my mother. I just was not able to find out more because I did let go. That is what they said then.

Now it is two years later June 23rd 2003 I got called back just recently actually to be honest it was day before yesterday as I am writing this to you.

I was in court again and they told me there was a mistake I did not completely sign him over I did sign him over to the court to put him in a safe home but I still have to pay welfare and so two years later my son is now 15 and he is with my mother the courts over looked the abuse and let him be with her.

I know he is being abused and I reminded them again when I was in court Monday June 23rd 2003 and they said it is not our concern now all we are doing now is getting you to pay welfare.

That is the whole story I am not a doormat, I am not going to sit and let this continue it may be to late for my son but not for yours or other children.

Up date my son now is an adult and since 2000 when I let go of him.
I have not seen or heard from him.
I still keep him in God's hands
I know if he wants to find me he will
as I found my birth mom
I know God will take care of the situation.

I want to thank those of you who helped me write letters to the court. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

One person cannot do it we need to work together abuse has been going on for centuries. People are afraid to speak out and let the truth out. Abuse kills I know the pain I know the cry of the little children who are dieing in side and are afraid to speak out. I was one, I was that child who was afraid who wanted to disapear.

The next page is called:

Living with Lupus and FMS

To go to the next page click on the seeking justice graphic.

Thank you

Thank you for taking the time and reading. God is with us every step of the way.

Feel free to pass this page on to your freinds and family.

To read more of my pages click on these links below

Angellady's directory to all the pages on this website.
Angellady's Angel In The Park.
Angellady's we never graduate in recovery.
Angellady's Better-half.
Angellady's first marriage.
Sweet Dreams Our Made Of These. Beautiful touching website.
Angellady's childhood page. Warning can be Triggering to some people.
Angellady's New page called God's Will Or Mine?
Angellady's

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Email: angellady_8_14_95@yahoo.com