|
How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
One.
How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer! What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? Trying to hold on to a thought. What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? Far-from-thinkin Did you hear about the blond skydiver? She missed the Earth! How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant? She sneezes. Why do Blondes wear earmuffs? To avoid the draft. What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" "No, I just lie there." What does a blond say during a porno? There I am!! Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? They're doing research on black holes What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground? An air mattress. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block. How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? She has a checkbook. How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? There is a stamp on it. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade. What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW? Divorcee' What do you call a virgin blonde? A myth What do you call a blonde that can suck a golf ball through a water hose? Sweetheart! How can you tell if a cat is blonde? No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head! Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones. How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day? Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "Lather, rinse, repeat". Why did the blonde pee on the floor? Because the sign said "Wet Floor" How did the blonde kill her toy poodle? Trying to put batteries in it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How was the blonde killed at the pie eating contest? A cow stepped on his face. Why didn't the blondes go to the movies on one buck night? They couldn't fit a deer into the car. A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart? The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters. Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes? It's called MAIDS - if they don't get one, they die. Why did God create blondes? Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Why did God create brunettes? Neither could the blondes. Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! How many blondes does it take to play tag? One Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? In case she locks the keys in her car. What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon? A vacant possession. Why do blondes use white-out on their computer screens? They couldn't find their eraser. Why did the blonde take two hits of acid? She wanted to go on a round trip. What can a blond do if she falls from a boat, in order not to drown? Close her mouth and put her fingers in her ears. She will stay floating until the help arrives. Why do some of blondes drown even if they do close their mouths and ears? Because for some of them the volume of their heads is too small to keep them floating. How can You tell a blonde with a runny nose from a healthy blonde, without looking at their faces? Knock on their heads - the one with the perfect hollow sound is healthy. Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet? She thought it was diet coke. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? They keep breaking them with the hammers. Did you hear about the blonde coyote? Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? One's a phony buck. How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way. What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A blonde electrician. What did the blonde say to the physicist? "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? Proofreading. Why did the blonde try to steal a police car? She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket cart? The supermarket cart has a mind of its own. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? To turn the blinker off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side? He didn't know where to buy Left Guard! Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea? He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams. Why did the blonde stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed? He wanted to see what he looked like asleep. How many blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer! What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training. How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash? He's the one on his bike. Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant? He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer. What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials? Double-dumb. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower? The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds. How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde? It is the one with the kickstand. What do you call an all-blonde skydiving team? A new version of the Lawn Darts game. Why did the blonde take his new scarf back to the store? It was too tight Did you hear about the blonde who gave his cat a bath? He still hasn't gotten all the hair off his tongue. Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that he had a twin brother? He didn't realize he was looking in a mirror. Did you hear about the blonde who never learned to water ski? He couldn't find a lake with a slope. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What are two blondes doing in front of a motorcycle? Arguing about who is going to sit by the window. What did the Blond get on her IQ test? Drule What is similar in a Smart Blond and a Alien??? You hear about them but you never see them... What Is A Blonde's Most Frequently Used 4 Letter Word? NEXT! What do you call a smart blond? Endangered species What do you call a movie about a man trying to make a blond smart Mission Impossible Two blondes are walking down the sidewalk when a man walks up and ask are you sisters? They both start laughing and the one says no were not even catholic. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do blondes wear green lip stick? Because red means stop! A blond is in an elevator when a man walks in the blond looks at him and says "t-g-i-f" The man looks at her and replied"s-h-i-t"(letters only) The blond is very confused at this point and try to explain "t-g-i-f thank god it's Friday" The man smiles and says"s-h-i-t sorry Hun it's Thursday" How can you tell if a blond has been at a computer? There is rat poison beside the mouse. Do you know how to make a blonde go crazy? Put her in a round room and tell her to go pee in a corner! How did the blond commit suicide? She gathered all of her clothes into a pile and jumped off. A blond scientists wants to determine how far a frog can jump. So she gets a frog and commands it to jump. At once the frog jumps. The blond measures and rights in here journal : frog with four legs jumps 8 feet. Then she cuts of the two front legs of the frog. She commands it to jump. The frog struggles a bit but manages to jump. She rights in her journal : frog with two legs jumps 3 feet. Once more she cuts of the other two legs. She commands the frog to jump but it just sits there. Then the blond wrights : frog with no legs losses hearing. Why did the blond prostitute think she was a poet? Because she layed and he paid -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many blonds does it take to screw in alight bulb? 1 blonds will screw any thing. How do you confuse a blond? Put her in a circular room and tell her to pee in the corner. What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead blond in the road? There's skid marks before the snake How do you tell if a blond girl has a blond boy friend? Her belly button's black and blue What is the difference between Jupiter and a blonds head Jupiter isn't hollow What does a blonde do every morning when she looks in the mirror. She introduces her self. She was so blond that she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A brunette with bad breath!! Why Did The Blond Have Lipstick On Her Steering Wheel ? She Tried To Blow The Horn Why does a blond wear a tight skirt To keep here legs closed what's the difference between a blond and a washing machine? You can drop your load in a washer and it won't follow you around you for a week -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station? The Air Pump! Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? She missed. Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? They don't know the route. Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades. What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A know-it-all bitch. What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist? Marriage. What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!" Why do blondes have more fun? Because they don't know any better. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A dope ring. What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date? If you're not in bed by 12, come home. What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by "the fuzz"? "No. But I've been swung around by the tits." What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot. What is more stupid then a brunette trying to start a fire in a pool? A blonde trying to put it out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the blonde give up snorting coke? Because the bottle was to hard to get up her nose. How do you know if someone is a true blonde or a fake? Ask them what color they use, if they give you crayons, there blond. Why did they stop the wave at sporting events? To many blonds drown. Why was the blond smiling when it was lighting? She thought someone was taking her picture. What do you call an all blond baseball team? Triple play How do you know if a blond has used the microwave. She's burnt and thinks she has a sun burn! What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito? When you slap the mosquito, it stops sucking. What do blonds and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them. Why does it take so long to make a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned during spring training What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? You pick them up, throw them in the gutter, and they come back for more. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts? Tits Go In Front. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side? An interpreter. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block. What do you say to a blonde that won't give in? "Have another beer." What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Introduces them self. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer. Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? To see what was on the other side. What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer s disease? Her IQ goes up! What is the difference between a smart blonde and Big foot? Big foot has been spotted. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? Change. What did the blonde say to the physicist? "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?" How do you drive a blonde crazy? Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them. What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart? The shopping cart has a mind of its own. What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A blonde going through a flashing red light. What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A visitor. Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor? She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period. Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an F in sex. Why do blondes wear panties? To keep their ankles warm. Why do blonds stick there heads out of the window of a moving car To fill up How can you tell when a blond was baking chocolate chip cookies? When you find M'n M shells on the floor What do you do when a Blond throws you a grenade? Pick it up, pull the pin and through back There are 99 Blonds on a plane and 1 Brunette. The captain radios in that they are going down, So they drop all the luggage. They were still going down so they drop out all the chairs. They were still going down so they dropped the floor. So they are hanging by there hands from the top on the plane with no floor. So the captain say's "1 person jump out" the Brunette say's "I'll sacrifice my life", and all the Blonds start clapping. How does a blond commit suicide? Jumps out the basement window. A Blond was riding a horse. Than suddenly the horse started to go faster and faster. At last she screamed "HELP!!!!" Than the store manager came out and unplugged it. What did the blond say when she opened a box of Cheerios? Oh! look donut seeds How do you get a twinkle in a blonds eyes? Shine a flash light through her ear. There were two blondes on opposite sides of a river. One yells across to the other: "Hey how do I get across the river?" The blond replies: "Why do you want to know? You're already there!" Why are there so many blonde jokes? Because redheads and brunettes have to have something to do on the weekends Have you heard Benjamin Moore came out with a new paint color called "blond"? It's not too bright but it spreads real easy. What's the similarity between a blond and a postage stamp? You lick 'em, stick 'em, and send them on their way... Why do blonds climb chain-link fences? To see what's on the other side. When is it okay to shoot a blond in the head? When you have a tire pump nearby to re inflate it. Why can't blonds water ski ? When ever they get wet they lay down and spread there legs. Why is a blonde's coffin y-shaped? B/c she is so used to having her legs spread. What is the definition of eternity? Four blondes at a four way stop. Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics? She had it bronzed. Did you hear about the blonde prisoner who was found in his cell with half a dozen bumps on his head? He tried to hang himself with a bungee cord. Why can't blondes make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe. Why do blondes have more fun? They are easier to keep amused. How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed? He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan. How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde? It is the one with the kickstand. Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows? It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in. Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night. How many blonds does it take to make Chocolate Chip Cookies? 5, 1 to mix the batter and 4 to squeeze the rabbit. How do you know if a Blond has been drinking? She's walking in a straight line What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do. How do you plant dope? Bury a blonde. How does a blonde get pregnant? And I thought blondes were dumb! How do you confuse a blonde? You don't. They're born that way. How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her. How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for french fries. How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? She has a checkbook. What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle? Rebel without a clue. What does a blonde make best for dinner? Reservations. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. WHY DOES A BLONDE ONLY CHANGE HER BABIES DIAPER ONCE A MONTH??? BECAUSE THE BOX SAYS GOOD FOR UP TO 30 POUNDS.. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory She threw away all the W's. How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday You tell them a joke on Friday. How do you hit a blonde and she will never know it With a thought! Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test? Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade. WHY DON'T BLONDES BREAST FEED THEIR BABIES? It hurts too much when they boil their nipples. What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? To cover up the valve stem. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? Branch Manager. What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A blonde electrician. What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet? Last year's hide and seek champ. How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant. What will she ask you? "Is it mine?" What's brown and red and black and blue? A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes. What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? "Space. The final frontier......" What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" "No, I just lie there." Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold? They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out. Why don't blondes double recipes? The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? Lipstick. How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? There is a stamp on it. What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? Her feet! How does a blonde commit suicide? She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? The back of her head. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. A Labrador. An indicator of a really bad hangover. What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? Proofreading. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots? Flattered. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A Space Invader. What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer. Why are there no dumb brunettes? Peroxide. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A dope ring. Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." What do you call two blonds in a refrigerator? Frosted Flakes How many blonds dose it take to screw in a light bulb? None they all sit there and bitch and moan about being in the dark. What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant. How do you get a one arm blonde out of a tree? Wave. Why did the blond climb on the bar roof? She heard that drinks were on the house What's a blond behind a steering wheel? An air bag!! How many licks does it take a Blond to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? NONE, They don't lick, they Suck! or NONE, Just one good Suck! What is fore play for a blond? When the man says "c'mon baby, hop in the truck" How does a blond turn the light on in the morning? Open the car door. What is a blond called that is wearing a brunettes wig? Artificial intelligence. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads. Why don't blondes eat bananas? They can't find the zipper. What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm *sooo* drunk!" What's a brunette's mating call? Has that blonde gone yet? |