I had a wonderful day..just in a very good mood..lots of great things happening in my life..things I never dreamed of..about time! I had my grandbaby over tonight..and all the family around..alot of laughs and good times..just eating and being with each other..my son commented that i had lost so much weight lately was I on a diet..I said nope..it is just comming off somehow..but I need it! I was kidding with him and Jamie and told him he was not too big for me to hold still.He was still my "baby boy"He says oh yes right mom..I weigh 230 pounds..no way can you pick me up..well I did..not for very long..but in spite of being a woman..I am very strong..and could always do this..of course tomorrow I may be down with my back..but I hate for anyone to say..you cannot do this..because that is all I havta hear..then look out! I will do it or die trying especially if it is something I believe in..hard to believe he only weighed 5 and one half pounds and I almost lost him..and to be a father now..blows me away..I will be an old lady someday sitting at a family reunion..and there will be great grandchildren and great great grandchildren..everyone will be dancing and singing..and one of them will say....oh nana can't do that anymore..I will throw down my walking stick..kick aside that wheel chair and boogy with the rest of them! ~~Maria~~
A very quiet day..I have been writng alot lately..which always signals something is happening in my life..it is easier for me to write about what I feel than to talk about it..I can put on paper..or even the computer what I have difficulty speaking to even those close to me about..lately anyway..I feel like a kirby vacumn cleaner..getting sucked into all these feelings and emotions i thought I had gotten past in the last few months..the trial of Paul Burrell..and Princess Diana..and her secrets..upset me very much..over and over..all these things that she wanted private and secret..things like we all have..out for the vultures to pick apart..like a bloody carcuss..I am getting rid of anything..that I want to take with me when I go..that I feel is too private to show anyone after I am gone..(Lord willing..a good long time from now!) It is hard to believe in very many people anymore..everyone needs one person in their life they can believe in no matter what..and it is hard for me to believe right now..in very many people..I guess when it comes down to it..the only person you can believe in..is yourself..others will let you down..but if you believe in yourself..the only person you have to worry about is you..I believe in me..I will get thru all this..and come out the tunnel that I have gone into..a better person..It just takes awhile..to get out to the otherside..But I am trying.. sigh... ~~Maria~~
I didn't feel like writing much yesterday..my mailbox is full..and I can't get moving on answering anyone right now..I go thru these moods..thinking..people come to me so much for answers..and What the heck do I know! Sometimes I can't even find my own answers! I just ahng in there..by my toes if necessary..but it is often hard! One nice thing..yesterday my boss got an award..because of me..they have a secret shopper come to the stores..in our chain..and they see how you treat customers..rate you on several things.. The shopper had come to me..as she couldn't find any help in produce..(I work in the computer part of the floral department..part of FTD)I was out in the department..arranging some flower displays..and helped her when she asked..even tho I didn't know a whole lot about apples..I can fake it with the best of them when I have to! I remembered telling her which were the ones I like to use in baking the most..even told her how to bake whole apples like my mom did..I guess..she really liked that..because she wrote that I was warm..helpful..friendly and made her shopping experiance so good..I got a 100 %..the rest of the people she shopped..one got a 5% one got a 49%.. So my boss was really happy..Made him look good..I try to treat people as I like to be treated..and never be too busy to take the time to help them..especially the elderly..I listen to their stories..look at the pics of their grandchildren..and sometimes just hug them..it isn't much..but sometimes..it is the little things that make a difference to someone..and that is what I try to do one hug,..one person at a time.. It is raining again..this time..it is chilly in the 50's and feels much colder..but behind the rain..I know there is a blue sky..so blue in its beauty it will hurt my eyes..and I will remember that..and get past the rain.. ~~Maria~~
Well Halloween was a riot here! I bought at least ten pounds of candy..and after an hour had to send Jamie out for more! Kids came in droves..bumbleebees..unicorns..witches..you name it they were dressed in it..some of the teenagers of course always come out too..a traditon in town..especialy for the seniors..a last hurrah..I got a special gift yesterday..after my day of crying..my cousin called out of the blue..I hadn't heard from her in years..and she says she has something for me..something she found while going thru her moms things..it is an old book..the Adventures of Wyatt Earp..from 1956..I was 2 years old then..inside the book..was written... To Edward(my oldest brother) from Jerry Wayne..my dead brother! She said she had no idea where it came from or how my aunt got it..it just"showed up" yesterday..and she had to call and let me know..she wanted me to have it..I know how it got there.. a couple days ago..I asked my brother to send me a sign that he was with me always..and watching over me......and there it was..and today..when I came into work..there was a white rose left on my counter..we don't sell those particular ones anywhere in our store..and no one knows who left it there..but I do! And I can believe anything I want..SO THERE! I am going to wrap the book up..and give it to my older brother for Christmas..my cousin said she wanted me to have it..Jerry and I were so close..but I know the right thing to do...and that will mean alot to Edward..is to give the book to him..and I can't wait to see his face..on Christmas Eve..when I share the gift from Jerry..to us both.. Wonderful world..wonderful day..when we believe..I feel like i am in the wizard of Oz..I beleive..I do I do I do! Thank you Jerry! ~~Maria~~ So
well..here I am again..my sister-in-law just called me..she is thinking of selling my brothers river property..she wanted me to tell her it was all right with me..we are so close and she knows how Jerrys and moms deaths affected me..I told her all the right things..Jerry isn't at the river anymore..she needs to be happy..and whatever she wanted to do was ok with me..as long as it made her happy..Jerry would want her to go on with her life..find someone to love and to love her..etc..All the things i know in my heart are true..BUT..the other way I feel is..NO! DON'T !YOU CAN'T! Jerry loved that river..my dearest memories of him is at that river..walking with him..riding along the river in his boat..seeing each bend of the river..and knowing the next bend was going to be just a beautiful.. He used to call from South Carolina..some days..he would say..Hey Sis! We were out on the river today..and I wished my sister was there with me! We would walk for miles sometimes..sometimes ride in his old pick up truck as he would show me new roads and new paths and tell me for hours about history..and the birds and animals..he is buried very near his river home..up in the middle of the woods as he always said he wanted..and to think of it gone! No more..it will be like losing him again..Sigh..I know it is just a place..just as things are just things..I know he is with me every single day..as is my mom..BUT..STILL.. It hurts even as I know it is right..and I was right to tell her she needs to go on..move on..as do I..wish it was that easy... ~~Maria~~
It is finally Halloween! I love Halloween! I just wish I wasn't too old to trick or treat! I remember as a child..the anticipation of halloween..the songs we sang in school.. "tonight is the night when dead leaves fly..l like witches on switches across the sky.. its a scarey sight.. its a scarey night.. oooo ooo its hallooween.." And drawing pumpkins and halloween scenes in art class...that was something to look forward to..now days..it is not allowed in our schools down south to even mention halloween..since some churches consider it "devil worship:" What bologna! We just loved the candy and dressing up..and the fun of roaming for hours with your friends..as did my kids..but still even tho they don't mention it in school anymore..the kids come in droves to my house..I have about 15 pounds of candy and will run out in less than two hours..so many come.. I always wanted a store bought costume when I was a child..there wasn't money for such things..oh to be a princess with a little magic wand and a mask with a crown on it..instead..I would be a ghost..or a clown or a hobo..things I could gather together from home..and oh I loved wax harmonicas..and wax teeth..it was some kind of orange wax..and you would chew it after you were thru playing vampire and blowing the harmonica..and it was a sure sign halloween was here when you saw them in the stores..no more..it seems everthing we held dear as children has changed some how..kids want computers and video games..they don't want to look for magic in things as I did as a child..they want magic on the video screen..screaming at them..I was born in the wrong age the wrong time sometimes I think..a "stranger in a strange land" I love the simpler things..why can't it be like that? Oh I would love to walk back in time..and trick or treat one more time..be a princess with a crown.. Hmmmm..I wonder if anyone will notice the frosted hair under that crown..I just saw one at Walmart..yeah..thats what I'll do..I will get my crown..my candy bag..and join the other little spooks tonight.. Hey I need a bigger bag..this spook is gonna rack up the candy... ~~Maria~~
