well..here I am again..my sister-in-law just called me..she is thinking of selling my brothers river property..she wanted me to tell her it was all right with me..we are so close and she knows how Jerrys and moms deaths affected me..I told her all the right things..Jerry isn't at the river anymore..she needs to be happy..and whatever she wanted to do was ok with me..as long as it made her happy..Jerry would want her to go on with her life..find someone to love and to love her..etc..All the things i know in my heart are true..BUT..the other way I feel is..NO! DON'T !YOU CAN'T! Jerry loved that river..my dearest memories of him is at that river..walking with him..riding along the river in his boat..seeing each bend of the river..and knowing the next bend was going to be just a beautiful.. He used to call from South Carolina..some days..he would say..Hey Sis! We were out on the river today..and I wished my sister was there with me! We would walk for miles sometimes..sometimes ride in his old pick up truck as he would show me new roads and new paths and tell me for hours about history..and the birds and animals..he is buried very near his river home..up in the middle of the woods as he always said he wanted..and to think of it gone! No more..it will be like losing him again..Sigh..I know it is just a place..just as things are just things..I know he is with me every single day..as is my mom..BUT..STILL.. It hurts even as I know it is right..and I was right to tell her she needs to go on..move on..as do I..wish it was that easy... ~~Maria~~
It is finally Halloween! I love Halloween! I just wish I wasn't too old to trick or treat! I remember as a child..the anticipation of halloween..the songs we sang in school.. "tonight is the night when dead leaves fly..l like witches on switches across the sky.. its a scarey sight.. its a scarey night.. oooo ooo its hallooween.." And drawing pumpkins and halloween scenes in art class...that was something to look forward to..now days..it is not allowed in our schools down south to even mention halloween..since some churches consider it "devil worship:" What bologna! We just loved the candy and dressing up..and the fun of roaming for hours with your friends..as did my kids..but still even tho they don't mention it in school anymore..the kids come in droves to my house..I have about 15 pounds of candy and will run out in less than two hours..so many come.. I always wanted a store bought costume when I was a child..there wasn't money for such things..oh to be a princess with a little magic wand and a mask with a crown on it..instead..I would be a ghost..or a clown or a hobo..things I could gather together from home..and oh I loved wax harmonicas..and wax teeth..it was some kind of orange wax..and you would chew it after you were thru playing vampire and blowing the harmonica..and it was a sure sign halloween was here when you saw them in the stores..no more..it seems everthing we held dear as children has changed some how..kids want computers and video games..they don't want to look for magic in things as I did as a child..they want magic on the video screen..screaming at them..I was born in the wrong age the wrong time sometimes I think..a "stranger in a strange land" I love the simpler things..why can't it be like that? Oh I would love to walk back in time..and trick or treat one more time..be a princess with a crown.. Hmmmm..I wonder if anyone will notice the frosted hair under that crown..I just saw one at Walmart..yeah..thats what I'll do..I will get my crown..my candy bag..and join the other little spooks tonight.. Hey I need a bigger bag..this spook is gonna rack up the candy... ~~Maria~~
Well, I got to come home early from work..it is like getting a present..the rest of the day..to enjoy.. and then off tomorrow..doesn't take much to make me happy! The sky is very blue and clear today..a promise of the cooler fall weather to come..tho..I guess.the weather promises nothing..we are the ones who look to it..and extract the promise..I am getting too deep here..must be my brown eyes..The birth 3 weeks ago of my first grandchild..Claudia Jade..has made me want to be alittle more aprt of the world again..my son cried after she was born..we sat outside..marveling over her birth..and he put his head on my shoulder and just cried..I asked him what was wrong..and he said to see me smiling and so happy about something again..made him so happy too..I know I have lost that part of me..that belonged to the world..and I am trying to get it back.. But it is very hard..I told a friend the othernight..I wish there was this timetable for grief..so you would know at 6months you would be here at this spot..at one year..you would be here..and so on..so you didn't have to worry..and think..shouldn't I be over this by now..if there was a timetable..you would have something to measure grief by..and then would know for sure..but untill such a thing is invented..and who knows..maybe I will be the one to invint it..I can only do the best I can..enjoy the colors of fall..and the beauty all around me..treasure my little grandaughter..who, because of her..I will live on..and make each day each hour each minute..special..I will look at the day..as if today was my last day..and see it with eyes like a child does..like my grandaughter has done..for the very first time..and I will treasure it..gotta go..the blue sky and golden leaves..and hawk flying in the distance is calling to me..wait for me! I'm on my way! ~~Maria~~
And again it is raining..I have always loved the fall..the little bit we in NW Florida get..the changing of the leaves..the cool weather..that is until 3 years ago November 28th..since my brother and mother died..just 3 days apart..the fall brings all that pain back..instead of the beauty of fall..I think of the loss..seems like so many people die this time of year..I wonder if it is like after the crops are in..mother earth sleeps till spring..same with life..the crops of life are in..and that is when they often go..I think too much! I wish I was in London..rain and all! I love my blogging page..if there were anyplace on earth I could blink my nose and be..it would be there! ~~Maria~~
What a rainy day..and to be a Monday! I feel like I am in the middle of a Carpenters song..a day for quiet reflection..to go thru a few memories..decide which to keep..which to pass on and which to toss into the universe.. Catch them universe..and set them free.. ~~Maria~~
Today I start my new life's journey..trying to figure out the new direction I feel my life must take..it is hard deciding which road to choose..when there are so many twists and turns and even a dead end has a hidden path..so onward and upwards..looking for the magic..it must be there..and if it is..I will find it.. ~~Maria~~
