December 31, 2002

After a week and a half, I'm finally online! Orgasmic doesn't even begin to cover my current state of mind. So, here, as a public service is My Excuse For Why I Haven't Updated:

Friday, December the 20th is a normal day. I get up in the morning, check my e-mail, blah-blah-blah. Then I go off to finish writing up the first chapter of 'Blue Horizons' which I had promised everyone. Yes, that's right, it was finished on time. So I'm about to put it online and suddenly... o.O The server's down.

Now, as I've mentioned before, my parents' computer sucks, so I really didn't think anything of it at the time. However, the day progressed and the stupid server didn't return. Now, I was already pissed then since I'd promised that I would have 'Blue Horizons' out that day and I hate it when stupid things like this turn me into a liar. But I wasn't psycho-stalker-killer yet. That was still to come...

Saturday dawns. Internet still hasn't return. Father and I finally start to realize that this might be more than a little blip in Internet service. Unfortunately, it's the weekend and we can't get anyone to come over and look at it because everyone else's off that day. Which means we have to wait till Monday. My teeth start to grind in irritation.

Monday arrives. The DSL people come over to check our house within one hour of calling. They confirm that it's our ISP server that's fucked. Like we couldn't have guessed that by the fact that the DSL people were prompt and efficient in their responses, and we still haven't even heard back from The Best ISP. I begin to start sharpening knifes as a hobby...

Tuesday. After ten calls and messages left. My dad finally gets a hold of someone at The Best ISP. Person assures him that they're on the problem and it will be fixed in two hours. We check in two hours. No service. We check in four hours. No service. Six, eight, ten... You get the picture.

Wednesday. It's Christmas. We abruptly realize that The Best ISP planned this as well as was physically possible so that they have as many holidays as possible to avoid doing work. Christmas without e-mail is a miserable, lonely experience...

Thursday. We've had it. My dad calls to change his ISP provider. There is much rejoicing. However, they still have to mail this thing to us that has our new passwords and settings. It should arrive on Saturday or maybe Monday. We wait eagerly.

Friday. Still waiting.

Saturday. Practically snatch mail from mailman's hand. ISP not there. Still waiting.

Sunday. Check mail even though it doesn't come on Sundays.

Monday. It's supposed to arrive today. Right? Right?! Wrong.

Tuesday. The Best ISP randomly starts working again after a week and a half. We still haven't switched over because we're still waiting for the damn thing in the mail. This may mean that we'll lose the connection again for a while. Oh joy.

And you didn't believe me when I said my parents' computer sucked... ~_^ So, in conclusion, if you're in the Twin Cities, do not use The Best ISP. They're evil little sadistic trolls.

Next time: Hell, I'm not thinking about it. I've finally got e-mail!

December 29, 2002

Yup, The Best ISP is the EVIL organization that is responsible for my not having had Internet access for over a week. Hence, this is exactly what the title says:

10. A room. The Best ISP. Dawn and Anya in their more sadistic moods. No holds barred.

9. Next time the garage of their two-bit operation burns down, lock the door so they can't escape.

8. Explain to Buffy that it's The Best ISP's fault that she hasn't been able to get naked with Spike in any of my stories for a week and a half, thus proving that they're evil and must be slain.

7. One word: Harmony. Hey, she may be a ditz, but she should at least be able to kill a few nerds, right? And I'm sure her incompetence would jut make their deaths all the more prolonged and painful... Plus, I could then sell the tapes to America's Funniest Home Videos. ~_^

6. Lock them up for an hour with nothing to read but Kantayra's whiny blogs. Provide a length of rope for self-hanging.

5. Hope Anya has the same service provider and realizes just how much money's she's lost in the week and a half since she was last able to take orders online.

4. Make them go for over a week without Internet or e-mail.

3. Duct tape them all to chairs. Get those devices that hold your eyes open from A Clockwork Orange. Play all the Buffy and Riley sex scenes on a screen in front of them. (Side note: Be sure to wear earmuffs in the next room to muffle sound of screams and of Riley grunting like a pig.)

2. Take Glory's favorite red dress. Rip it to shreds. Leave little trail of shreds that leads right to The Best ISP people. Let nature take it's course.

1. Complain about The Best ISP nonstop the instant I get back online and blame them for the fact that I haven't been able to post in more than a week, hoping that one of my fans is a psychopath and will track them down.

Next time: Hey, we switched service providers now, so I might actually get online...

December 27, 2002

No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.
No Internet and no e-mail make Kantayra go crazy.

Yeah, so it's pretty much a one-joke blog. But, in case you don't believe how bored I am without Internet access, I actually typed each of those out by hand. No cutting and pasting. Scary, huh? Also, everyone should see The Shinning. It's not exactly scary - and it's physically impossible not to crack up all the way through it after having seen the Simpson's parody - but Jack Nicolson hams it up like crazy. It's just beautiful...

Next time: I'm going to kill my parents' evil ISP server...

December 24, 2002

OK, so tomorrow's Christmas. This means that all good TV's been cancelled and has been replaced by holiday specials, all of which usually are It's A Wonderful Life over and over and over and over again... This seems like a bitch-worthy topic to me, so here I go. ~_^

Now, why on earth are so many Christmas specials so depressing? This is the thing that really baffles me. So, I turn on the TV at 7 to see if Buffy's going to be on by some miracle and - surprise, joy! - it is. In fact, they're showing two Buffy episodes. By now I'm all excited because more Buffy has to be good, right? Right?!

Wrong.

Guess which two episodes they're showing? Go ahead and pick the two most anti-Christmas-spirit ones you can think of. Oh yeah, they showed 'Normal Again' and 'Villains' back to back. <sarcasm> Yeah, 'cause I really want to see Buffy dragged into an insane asylum followed by Willow flaying the guy that killed her girlfriend. That just fills me right full of holiday cheer. And, ooh, ooh! Can you pretty please show 'Dead Things' and 'Seeing Red' on Christmas Day? 'Cause I don't think I've been traumatized by quite enough emotional abuse just yet. I mean, I obviously haven't gotten so depressed that I've committed suicide yet, so the Christmas marathon can't possibly be over! </sarcasm> 

Now, FX did a holiday Buffy thing too where they showed that crappy episode with the First and Angel in S3 (no, I don't remember the name, and I can't look it up since I can't get online...stupid ISP...) and 'Into the Woods'. At least these two take place near Christmas! The little ME Grr-Argh Monster even is wearing a little Santa Claus hat after the S3 one. So that's of the good. (Especially since 'Into the Woods' was the one BtVS episode I hadn't seen yet. Yes, that's right. I was harboring all that Riley hatred before I saw this ep. So guess how much I hate him now? ^_^) Now, how scary is it that a FOX affiliate got into the Christmas spirit more than UPN? I mean, FOX's practically satan-incarnate...

And it's not just Buffy, either. Guess what TNT was showing? (Or maybe it was TNN...I can never keep those two quite straight. All I know is that one shows 'Law & Order' 24/7 and the other shows Star Trek: TNG. I can't quite remember which had this lovely marathon...) Yeah, The Godfather trilogy. The first time I saw The Godfather movies, I watched them all back to back on the same day. I was practically dead I was so depressed once they were over. I mean, can you say 'dark'? Not that The Godfather I isn't a good movie. The Godfather II's all right, too. As for The Godfather III... Well, if you can't say anything nice...say the meanest thing you can think of. ~_^ But, who would ever want to watch all these on Christmas, for crying out loud?!

But none of these is as scary as the final marathon I encountered... OK, there's probably nothing that epitomizes everything I hate about America better than John Wayne. Really, really do not like John Wayne. Westerns, yes. John Wayne, no, no, NO! So, some stupid network is showing a John Wayne marathon on Christmas Day. I nearly threw the TV out the window. Hello, has our country actually gotten so paranoid after 9/11 that ultra-conservative-bastard John Wayne's coming back? Because, if it has, book me on the first flight to England...

And people spend hours upon hours analyzing why so many people find Christmas depressing. Hmm, maybe if you'd actually show something remotely happy during the holidays, it wouldn't be so bad...

Next time: ARGH! I don't even have Internet for Christmas! What kind of an evil company is The Best ISP anyway?!

December 20, 2002

WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIES STAR TREK: NEMESIS (ST:N) AND LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS (TTT).

Although I'm not quite sure it's possible to 'spoil' TTT since pretty much everyone has already read the books, right? And, even if they haven't, the people who made the movie assume you did. I mean, they show freakin' Gandalf in the previews. Wouldn't it suck if you didn't already know the plot and you thought Gandalf was really dead and then the stupid preview ruins it for you?

But anyway... Yeah, these were the two movies I absolutely had to see over break. TTT because the LOTR movies are awesome, and ST:N because I've seen every other ST thing ever made, so now I'm stuck for life... So, guess which one I liked and which one I didn't like...

Yeah, Nemesis was the 10th Star Trek movie. And none of the movies have been exactly good. ST4 was funny but not really good. I kinda liked ST:FC, but it wasn't anywhere near as good as the show. So, there have been ten movies and only two that were 'sorta good'. But do the ST creators learn from their mistakes? Oh no...

Now, this movie had been hailed as having "the greatest Star Trek villain since Khan". In case you don't know, Khan was played by this hispanic guy named Ricardo Montalban who had his hair bleached blond and wore this huge prosthetic chest through the whole movie. The plastic chest was sold at auction recently. It went for an obscenly large amount of money. And this goofball is supposedly one of Star Trek's "greatest villains"? That's when you know your movies need help...

Like, the way they beat Khan? Apparently, he only thinks in two-dimensions 'cause he's one of the supermen that took over earth in the 1990s and was in cryogenic stasis until Kirk woke him up. (Funny how we all missed the hostile take-over of the planet. Oh well...) And it takes Kirk, who supposedly automatically thinks in 3D, like half an hour to figure this out. Hello, if you actually thought in 3D, you would have already used that attack strategy and he'd have been dead a long time ago. Of course, Kirk's such a idiot that maybe this is plausible after all. And, the huge climatic scene is just Kirk screaming: "Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!" Somehow, William Shatner manages to do this in 'Shatner speech' - you know, with all the weird, inappriopriate pauses - even though it's only one syllable. It's actually kind of impressive.

So, the ST:N guy is greater. Big whoop-de-doo! It'd be pretty damn near impossible to have a villain worse than Khan! But let's get to this 'great' villain himself...

OK, first off, I can't even remember the guy's name. It sounded like Scherazade or Sha-zaam or something. So, the entire movie, I'm thinking of him as 'Sha-zaam' 'cause I can't remember his name. He's bald, too, making the similarities to Shaq even more readily apparent. Or was that dumb genie movie called 'Ka-zaam'? I can't quite remember. Anyway, greatness factor = 0.

So, this guy is Picard's clone (a theme that was already used in the TV show and in a much more intelligent way), he's got this nasty biological weapon that looks suspiciously like the vamp-dusting effect on BtVS, a whole legion of bug-ugly aliens under his command, this fucking huge-ass ship, and a nasty vendetta against the Romulans. So, what's his plan? Why, to kill the entire population of Earth, of course! Like, I'm sitting there through the whole movie going "Why the fuck are you after Earth? Every single speech you give is about how much you hate Romulans. So, why don't you kill them?!" But, see, then he wouldn't be the "greatest villain".

Oh, and another thing, he needs to steal all of Picard's blood or else he'll die. So, naturally, he invites Picard over, then proceeds to have long, involved conversations with him and lets him leave several times. o.O WTF?! The clock is ticking, dumbass! Quick reminiscing and just snatch his blood already!

And while we're discussing his technique for luring Picard... OK, somehow this Sha-zaam guy got a Soong-type android that looks just like Data. It has been fully established on the show that there have been exactly seven Soong-type androids: 3 that didn't work, Lore - Data's evil twin brother who was deactivated, Data, and Lal and Julianna Tainer - both of whom didn't look like Data. Now, my reaction when they're finding these android parts is "Agh! It's Lore! He's evil! Don't put him back together!" None of the characters even frickin' mentions this. But the android's not Lore. It's obviously not Data, Lal, or Dr. Tainer. This means it must be one of the three androids that didn't work. So, why the bleedin' hell does it work in the movie then?! No one but Dr. Soong can make androids work, and he's dead. And do they ever bother to explain this? Of course not.

And, of course, while they're tracking down this android, they're using huge, big-wheeled vehicles and they're driving all over this alien desert. Now, back in the show, the Federation actually agreed not to go over Warp 5 for about two seasons because it was damaging space. It was a big ecological disaster and these people care about preserving the environment. So why are they using dune-buggies, quite possibly the most environmentally-destructive vehicles imaginable, on an alien planet they have no authority over in the first place? And then they get into this big dune-buggy chase where they start shooting the aliens all willy-nilly even though these aliens don't even have warp technology. I haven't seen a more grievous violation of the Prime Directive since Kirk! (Or maybe Janeway.) Argh!

Well, back to Sha-zaam... He procedes to do a 'telepathic pseudo-rape' thing on Troi for no reason whatsoever other than to remind everyone that she's telepathic and so, yes, actually does have some purpose. Picard and co. escape, and Sha-zaam chases after them. Now, Picard knows what Sha-zaam's plan is, even though it doesn't make any sense. Sha-zaam needs to 1) steal all Picard's blood; 2) evade the Federation fleet; 3) detonate vamp-dusting biological weapon on Earth. Picard's strategy? "Duh, we'll put the entire fleet on the far side of Earth, then fly right past it on our way to meet them. That way if Sha-zaam catches us and gets my blood, he'll already be well on his way to Earth, and the fleet will be on the other frickin' side of the galaxy and unable to stop him."

And, yes, it gets worse. Like, the evil aliens that work for Sha-zaam (the much speculated about Remans) can't stand the light. So what do the Enterprise crew do the instant they invade? Turn down all the lights. I was screaming "Lights on! Lights on! Computer, increase illumination by 200%!" throughout the entire flippin' thing.

So, in summary, don't see Nemesis.

But you'd better go see TTT. Man, these movies are awesome... And the Ents are in this one. I kinda worship the Ents. Them and the Elves. I'm like "Fuck the humans. They're boring anyway. Put Legolas back on screen..." Mmm, hot elf... Nowhere near as hot as Spike, of course. So don't worry that I'm cheating on our dear lickable peroxide vamp. But still... And I cried so hard when that one elf died! I was bawling my eyes out!

The only thing that irks me about these movies is Arwen. OK, where did Liv Tyler get those huge frickin' lips? They're so big they look deformed, like a collagin injection gone horribly wrong. Every time she's about to kiss Aragorn, I'm all "Agh! Not the lips up close! Aaaaaggghhh!" Giant lips are scary, man.

Well, those and the eye of Sauron. Now, I was perfectly OK with the eye of Sauron until I watched this movie with the people in my dorm. And then one of them has to shout out: "It's a big, flaming vagina!" So, now I can't see the eye without cracking up because, yeah, it does look like a big, flaming vagina. Kinda ruins the tension. But very, very funny.

In summary: ST:N sucked, TTT rules, Legolas is God (although not GOD like Spike), and Sauron is a big, flaming vagina. Yeah, I am on crack...

Next time: Mih. It's not like I ever actually follow what I say I'll write about next time anyway...

December 17, 2002

WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE S7 EPISODE 'BRING ON THE NIGHT' (AND, NO, I DIDN'T MAKE UP THAT TITLE. DO YOU THINK I COULD COME UP WITH SOMETHING THAT GOOFY? ARE THEY TRYING TO INVOKE THE MOVIE 'BRING IT ON' OR SOMETHING?)

Hee-hee! It was actually kinda good. And, when I say kinda, I meant the first half was good, and it went downhill from there. Dawn and Anya threatening Andrew was great. I was all about that. And this one was actually exciting for a while, to the point where I realized, hey, yeah, that's why this show used to be good. Because they actually fought things besides their stupid internal demons. Unfortunately, it lost it halfway through.

OK, so ubervamp and the First are torturing Spike by dunking his head in the water until he breathes it in. Was I the only person screaming: "Don't breathe, you idiot! Keep your damn mouth closed! It's not like you need the oxygen!!" The really impressive thing is that Spike never managed to figure this out. Sheesh. He used to at least have half a brain...

And don't even get me started on the whole "she believes in me" thing. I mean, how lame can you get?

Apparently, a hell of a lot more lame. Did anyone bother to read the First's dialogue? I mean, I know it was pretending to be Dru and hence acting all crazy, but Dru actually had clever interesting dialogue. Like, funny stuff. Remember this:

   Spike:"What are you doing, pet?"
   Dru: "I'm naming the stars."
   Spike: "Uh, Dru, we're inside. That, and it's daytime."
   Dru: "But I've given them all the same name. There's much confusion..."

OK, that was just fucking hilarious. The First was just boring. Even Spike looked bored as all hell. For a second I thought that was their latest torture technique: bore Spike to death. Actually, not a bad strategy given how impatient he is...

The new pseudo-Slayers didn't bother me so much, except for the fact that they kept calling each other by name. This is a writer's technique, of course, so the audience will know their names, but people just don't address each other that much by name in common conversation. It sounded all weird and stilted.

And the First's plan is fucking moronic. Yes, I'll kill all the potential Slayers and the Watchers, and then there won't be a Slayer anymore... Where do I even begin? OK, there were Slayers before there were Watchers. Remember the First Slayer? Well, she didn't have a Watcher, and someone obviously got called after her. Hence, Watchers aren't necessary for a new Slayer to be called. And, remember when Buffy first became a Slayer? She wasn't even on the Watchers' potential list. That's why she was so stunned and fucked up at first. Hence, the next Slayer isn't necessarily one of the Watchers' potential Slayers. The only conclusion? Even if the First killed every Watcher, every potential Slayer, and Buffy and Faith, someone would still get called as the next Slayer. I mean, there always frickin' is one. Final conclusion: the First is a moron.

And why the hell is Buffy's sole goal in life suddenly to save Spike? Need I even go off on the how-she-treats-him-with-soul vs how-she-treats-him-without-soul rant? Like, remember when Glory took Spike? What was Buffy's plan then? Kill him. God, she's such a fucking hypocrite.

And her speech at the end... Bleach. OK, she's done the whole 'rally the troops' thing before. In 'Graduation' it was clever. This was just... Who wrote that speech? P.U.! It was this huge discourse on good vs evil, and it just kept going on and on. Buffy just doesn't seem to comprehend the whole evil-necessary-for-the-balance concept. You can't destroy all evil, dipshit! And, if you did, it wouldn't be a good thing. It would make everything bland, bland, bland. Hell, I don't even believe in good and evil, so this whole theme falls flatter than flat every time they use it.

And ubervamp's ugly. If you're going to have a vamp villain, can't you at least make him look gorgeous? Look at the first few seasons and learn from them, you stupid writers. Gorgeous, shirtless vampires are the whole reason we watch the show. ~_^ OK, so that's a slight exsaggeration, but would you still be watching it if Spike wasn't shirtless so often. ^_^

Mih. And this one started out so well. All I can say is Buffy better give Spike some juicy lovin' after all this to make up for all the pain I've had to suffer ever since they broke up. Stupid writers... ~_^

Next time: Uh, there've been a whole bunch of topics that I said I would do and then didn't. Pick one of those.

December 13, 2002

Holy shit! I just realized it was Friday the 13th! How clueless am I that it took me this long to notice?

OK, so yeah, back on topic...or should that be 'initially on topic' since I haven't even started my topic yet? Oh, who cares... Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. My topic.

It happens to everyone at some time. After spending many blissful hours on the Internet, suddenly you check an e-mail or visit a website or something, and there it is. One of those bizarre abbreviations/symbols that make sense absolutely nowhere else but on-line.

My own first encounter was back in 9th grade and, fortunately, the person who had sent it to me was sitting beside me, so I could demand immediate clarification on the great mystery that was <g>. Ah, so the 'g' stood for 'grin', and the brackets...well, the brackets would confuse me for years to come until I was finally fully initiated into the mysteries of html... But I had my first lesson that day. My first lesson in Bizarro Internet Speech.

Several lessons quickly followed. <eg> was just 'evil grin'. Keep in mind that this one was particularly difficult for a young Latin student that immediately thought 'exempla gratia'. L, I comprehended. Even LOL, although there was a brief detour where I was convinced it was some sort of shorthand for 'lollipop'. LMAO (laughing my ass off), I was exposed to a bit before I was ready, but by the time I encountered ROTFLMAO (rolling on the floor laughing my ass off), I was in the zone and didn't require outside consultation.

The truth is, all these abbreviations seen completely incompresible until someone explains them to you. I remember the first time I saw the set of facial expressions that I now use (~_^ for winking smile, ^_^ for plain smile, and -_-;; for nervous sweating) and I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out my anyone would use them over ; ), =), >(, and ; P. Because, those at least look somewhat like the expression you're trying to invoke. If you tilt your head sideways, that is. (The solution to this mystery entails what happens when you try to use the second set with parentheses (). See the problem?) But, now I use the goofy ~_^ symbols with abandon. I would willingly send out an e-mail whose entire contents are 'LOL ~_^' and miraculously expect the person on the other end to decipher my rantings. Keep in mind that when I first started trying to figure all this crap out, I spent hours upon hours of bitching that nobody bothered to explain what all this crap meant. And now, here I am, one of the more grievous offenders...

And you can never learn enough that you don't have to puzzle things out, either. I can write 'FotR rocked!' and no Buffy fan will be able to decipher it (unless they're also a Lord of the Rings buff and know that 'FotR' means Fellowship of the Ring). Or how about 'Sc/U in ST5 sucked! What were the TOS WS thinking anyway?' (translation: 'the Scotty/Uhura pairing in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier sucked! What were the Original Series writing staff thinking anyway?' Not that the rest of ST5 didn't suck as well, but that's a matter for another time...)

And, frighteningly enough, Buffy is one of the worst genres. You wanna know why? Because not only do you have to know the show and the character abbreviations (which are bad enough, given that both Angel/Xander and Xander/Anya writers expect you to immediately decipher X/A their way), but you've got to know all the episode abbreviations as well. Now, I'm something of the trivia buff (bad pun not intended). I probably know the names of all the Buffy episodes, even though (unlike Star Trek) they don't even have the decency you show you the title at the beginning of the episode. But even I have to wrack my brain to try to figure out OAFA means! ('Older and Far Away') And, OK, I can understand doing this in summaries on sites where you've got limited space to write, like, say BSC or ff.net (See? More abbreviations that I just assume you know...), but people include them in the longer summaries inside the story as well! Argh! (Yes, this is a pet peeve of mine. It will blow over soon. I promise. Ah, there it goes...)

So, what does DKNELEJHR mean? Well, actually it's an ancient demon dialect meaning 'Will you stop ranting about all the goddamn abbreviations on-line yet!' Either that, or it was the random combination of keys I just happened to hit when I started this blog... ~_^ I'll leave it for you do decide.

Next time: Clothing, the pros and cons...

December 11, 2002

So yeah, I'm home for the holidays and all that. It's great. There's no school work, free good food, and I don't even have to leave the house most days. But there always has to be one thing that ruins the fun, doesn't there? And, as always when I'm at home, it's my parents' computer.

You see, I've become a spoiled computer brat ever since I first came to college. The Internet connection is ultra-super-duper-fast (yes, that is the technical term for it ~_^), and my computer is all of two feet from my bed. This allows me to essentially sleep and write at the same time - a very good thing. The computer at home is...blah. First of all, it's on an entirely different floor from my room. In fact, it's right next to my parents' bedroom. Trust me when I say that nothing is worse while writing a juicy smut scene than having your dad walk by wearing nothing but his underwear and nursing a cup of coffee. Mood-killer much? ~_^

And then my parents always seem to need things from the desk drawers right when I'm getting to the really intense smut. Like I can possibly write with them standing right there! It's not even that my parents would object to my writing. They don't give a rats ass that most of my stories are NC17. But, it is so not cool to have your parents read your smut. Like, nothing else in the world embarrasses me more than that. "So, can I read this new story of yours?" "Mom, it's hard core porn!" "I don't care..." Argh! It's so weird!

Of course, my computer at home sucks in many other ways. For example, I have to fight with my dad over who gets to use it. And my dad always wins since he gets, like, paid for his writing. I mean, what's up with that anyway? ^_^ So I end up writing everything out by hand and then typing it in later. Which gets really, really dull after five or so pages. I start wanting my parents to walk by, just so I'll have to do desperate covering up of Buffy and Spike's naughtier parts. Because I really get that bored.

And all the settings are fucked up on my computer here. My dad's got it set the dorky way he wants it, and he won't let me change it because he has no fucking clue how to change it back. Sure, I could change it back, but hell like I'd remember. So, I'm stuck writing with all sorts of weird autocorrect things on. And the good autocorrects - like, say, capitalizing 'i' - the dumb computer here doesn't know how to do. The parents have got some weird, ancient version of Word that doesn't do half the things the way I'm used to. It irks me.

And then I have to save everything onto disk because I'm going to have to drag it back home with me in January. Floppy disks are evil. They always find some way of breaking or dying right when you need them the most. Luckily, I've got everything back-saved on all my Internet accounts, but still...

And like disks breaking aren't bad enough, my parents' computer crashes all the time, too. It's so frickin' annoying. In fact, it'll probably crash right now because it knows I'm writing bad things about it. Oops, here it...goooooeeeeesss... Daaaiiisssyyyy, Daaaiiisssyyy...

Just kidding. ~_^

Next time: Interpreting bizarre symbols. Or maybe yesterday's Buffy episode. I haven't decided yet.

December 10, 2002

So, yeah. You might have noticed that I said I'd update my blog Saturday night and then didn't. And then didn't update Sunday. Or Monday. In fact, you're probably ready to strangle me right about now since I've got two WIPs. Well, then, for your amusement, my excuse:

OK, so I'm in my room Saturday night, being diligent and updating my blog when all of a sudden...aliens. Yeah, that's it. I got abducted by aliens. They looked just like those ones in 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'. You know, the grey ones with the big heads? Which conincidentally look just like the aliens in every single movie after 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'... Gotta love that originality.

So, anyway, these aliens kidnapped me so they could solve the great mystery of the ages: Why on earth did Buffy ever date Riley? I, of course, couldn't answer with anything other than "she's an idiot." 

They took Saturday evening to mull this over, leaving me alone in a room that looks exactly like those ones in Star Trek. (Apparently, aliens have nothing better to do than watch earth tv programs. I can't really blame them, though. I bet anally probing hicks gets boring after a while...) 

They returned on Sunday morning. "But," they countered, "Spike was there that whole season, being all tied up and lickable in the bath tub."

"Hence proving Buffy's vast idiocy in not taking advantage of the situation," I answered wisely.

"But, why Riley then?" they demanded. "He looks like a potato!"

"This is a mystery that only Joss can answer," I informed them.

"But Joss is a bloody idiot!" they insisted. "He actually let Marti have her way with S6!"

"Too true," I agreed. "Too true."

"So," they finally decided, "the reason Buffy got together with Riley instead of Spike is because everyone's an idiot? Except for Spike, of course."

"Exactly," I agreed. And so ended day one of my captivity.

Day two:

"But," they came back in Monday morning, "why are there still B/A shippers when Spike's so absolutely gorgeous?"

I sighed. This was another question that could take decades to answer. "There are many foolish people," I began, "who do not fully realize just how delicious Spike's sexy vampire bod really is."

"Impossible!" they exclaimed in horror. "Spike is GOD. Why, we would kidnap him to study his eminently tastable chest ourselves, were we not afraid to anger that supreme being that is Naked Spike."

"But not all earthlings are as wise as you are," I explained. "Many of them think Angel is more gorgeous. Even though he's been getting chunkier ever since Buffy's S3 and he's a sodding poofter."

"Nude Angel is nothing compared to Nude Spike!" they cried aloud.

"Very true," I agreed, "but B/A fans are all convinced that's Buffy's true love is the guy she dated in high school."

"But she was just a teenager then," they insisted. "It really was just puppy love...and it probably wouldn't have been even that if bizarre tragic circumstances hadn't kept bringing them back together."

"But those 'bizarre tragic circumstances' whereof you speak are exactly why B/A'ers think they're meant to be together. See, since their love was miserable and suffering, it has to be the real thing, right? And wasn't it just so romantic that Angel left just because they could never have sex?"

"But true love is greater than sex! He should have stayed with her anyway, if he really loved her."

"Which is why he didn't," I agreed, "because he was a blood coward. But thousands upon thousands of teenage girls saw this great tragedy and went: "It's just dreamy. Buffy can never love anyone else again after this..." And, unfortunately, Joss was one of those giggling schoolgirls."

"So, Joss is a bloody idiot yet again?" they said, realization dawning.

"Exactly," I agreed.

"Then who will ever let Buffy enjoy kinky sex with Spike?" they asked, terrified of a world in which there was no B/S smut.

"Fanfiction writers will," I assured them. "Why, if you let me go right now, I'll write a nice juicy sex scene first thing!"

They exceded the Warp 10 barrier to get me home in time. "Don't worry about your finals," they assured me. "We've done them all for you. You got all A+++'s. Don't worry about that ugly airport. We'll transport you straight home. Now, go! Go and write more Nude Spike! Please, the fate of our very civilization rests upon you!"

So, yeah, now I'm back. ^_^

No, just kidding. UofC Internet crashed Saturday night. Sunday I spent more time studying that I thought I would need to. Monday I took my finals and came home. Sorry I took so long. -_-;;

Next time: Why my parents' computer sucks ass.

December 6, 2002

Yes, I know I'm a lazy slug for not blogging for two whole days. I did have legitimate real life excuses, but I've long since given up trying to use them on rabid ff readers. ^_^

OK, so who out there has seen Lord of the Rings? Yes, the first one...I'm not one of those psycho freaks who buglarizes the cast and crews' houses, searching for advance copies of The Two Towers all of two weeks before it comes out in theaters. So, everyone's seen it? Good. That's as it should be. Although, sometimes, it gets really annoying...

Take our house movie night this week, for example. Every week my resident heads show a movie, and we all eat popcorn and don't study. Life is good. So, this last week, it's Lord of the Rings (heretofor abbreviated LOTR because, hell, like I'm going to write out the whole frickin' name every time I get to it...) And, not just the ordinary LOTR, but the extended version. The one that's over four hours long. Oh yeah, that's a lot of movie...

Now, I liked the first LOTR movie. It was nice and mythical and all that stuff. And Legolas is hot. (Or, at least, I thought so at the time. I'm now a complete 100% Spike convert.) Still, it was very cool, and I - upon risk of imminent death - even venture to say that I liked it better than the books. So, overall, good movie.

The problem is seeing it with a dozen people who have also seen it. Now, there's always that one annoying person at movie night who insists on blabbing about everything that's going to happen. But, under normal circumstances, half the people haven't seen the movie, so blabbermouth gets shot down (no, not literally, although sometimes I wish...) pretty early on. Not so with LOTR. Everyone talked the entire way through the thing. In fact, most people had seen the movie more than ten times. It was scary.

You know what's even scarier? Those crazed Tolkien fans that have memorized every miniscule detail from every single frickin' book. Even the compendium type books that were published after his death. You mean you all didn't know that 'Tolkien' still publishes books? Didn't you learn your lesson from my putrid movie listings a few blogs back? Hey, if Bela Legosi can star in a movie once he's dead, why can't Tolkien write a book? And the quality's only slightly better.

So, there are people that actually know this crap. And who know all the production stuff about this movie. And will not shut up about it. We've got this guy sitting right in front of the TV (where everyone has to look around him whenever he sits up) explaining in excruciating detail exactly which actors did which stunts and how exactly they managed the current effect on screen. Can you say 'annoying beyond belief'? I knew you could.

We've also got two representatives of The Scariest Group Of Human Beings On The Planet: horse lovers. Now, I like horses fine. I even took riding lessons for a brief while. But I'm not a Genuine Horse Person. These people think about nothing besides horses. There was one girl in my middle school who never once paid attention in class because she was always drawing horses. Literally. Non-stop horse drawing. Now, you can't be quite that obsessed and still make it at UofC, but still we've got two horsey people there. So, what do they do? Spend the entire frickin' movie arguing over what breed of horse everyone rides. The Ringwraiths' horses merited an entire thirty minute debate about hooves and ankles and coloring and on and on and on... I finally managed to shut that one up with the ever-sarcastic: "Maybe they're just My Little Ponies!" And then they started going on about the riding techniques beings used.

Fortunately, around this point, I gave up any hope of watching the movie whatsoever. We got into a lovely, spirited debate about whether Legolas is hot or not. (All the guys said no; all the girls said yes; there were no gay guys to break the tie...)

So, basically, I have no clue what happened in the extended version except that Jason Viggo innovated that one stunt on the spur of the moment, and the Ringwraiths changes horses several times. It was strangely fun, though, once I gave up all hope. And, dude, the absolute funniest thing happened.

OK, my resident heads have these two cats. One of them's braindead. Once someone sat in front of her at movie night with their back two inches in front of her face, and it took her the entire movie before she noticed. She complained and stalked off five minutes before the movie ended. Other cat is very cool - big black tomcat with seven toes on each paw. Except...*snicker*

So, this one girl's lying on the floor, watching the movie and ranting about horses. She's got one of those hair clips, and she's taken it out to play with it. So, she's snapping the clip open and closed and not really paying attention while she watches the movie. Cool cat walks by and...

We all hear this loud, meowing shriek. Then, before anyone can figure out what happened, black runs straight across the couch, leaping over two people and landing all 28 claws in the third before he jumps right over the dinning room table and vanishes into the kitchen.

We all sit in stunned silence for a second, trying to figure out what the fuck that was. And then horse girl bursts out into hysterics. Have you figured the mystery out yet?

Yup, that's right. Horse girl accidentally closed her hair clip right on the cat's tail. It took twenty minutes to recover the thing. The cat was hiding under the sink. It was pretty fucking hilarious. (Not just 'pretty hilarious', but 'pretty fucking hilarious'.)

So, that's my pointless, humorous tale for the today. Hopefully, it was funny enough that you managed to forget that there was absolutely no transition into it whatsoever. Ah well...

Next time: The joys of finals...

December 3, 2002

WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE EPISODE 'BENEATH YOU' AS WELL AS MINOR ONES THROUGH 'NEVER LEAVE ME'!

Ugh. Without a shadow of a doubt, 'Beneath You' is my least favorite episode so far this season. The whole episode was like a lesson in why Spike was just evil-dammit! in S6. If, like me, you thought that Buffy was the evil one in S6, this is truly insufferable. Like, I love how Buffy flinches at Spike's touch because he tried to RAPE her... (That's right, this episode uses the word RAPE as often as it possibly can, just in case you've forgotten that Spike tried to RAPE Buffy. It's like they're trying to hammer the idea into our heads: RAPE, RAPE, RAPE! Sorry, but that twist was moronic and completely out of character for Spike. The only reason they even did it was because Marti got pissed that the viewers weren't seeing that Spike was a terrible, horrible person and a bad boyfriend and just plain evil! Funny how, even with the attempted (ooh, there's a word they avoid...) RAPE, Buffy still comes off as the eviler of the two...)

So, where was I? Oh yeah. So Buffy flinches away from Spike's touch with horrible flashbacks. But does Spike ever get to flinch back from Buffy's touch, complete with dramatic flashbacks to the scene where she nearly beat him to death in a back alley for no reason? I don't think so. I can't stand how horribly skewed this is! ARGH! How does Buffy get to play the battered spouse? The way she treated him was ten times worse than what he did to her, and he had to take it from someone he loved. That makes it so much worse...

And half the time you can't even tell what's going on in the episode. Could Spike please just wear a sign with 'possessed by the First' on one side and 'crazy and soulful' on the other? Because then his actions might make the slightest bit of sense in this one. And why would the First want him to go out and help Buffy beat up some demon, anyway? I mean, this later effects of this episode are absolutely zero. I get the whole putting off explanations till later thing (if you don't believe me, you haven't read my stories ~_^), but the whole plot of this season is so irritating that I don't really care. I mean, the First Evil? How lame is that? The First was great in that one episode of S3 because Buffy just mocked it for being lame the whole time. Well, the S3 writers got it right, dammit! Blah. It's just especially stupid to me since I hate the whole good-evil dynamic. Where are all those lovely shades of gray I've come to love?

And we're not even going to go into the whole 'love' thing. I've ranted before about how warped it is that Spike has to fundamentally change his being in order to be loved, so I'll leave it out here.

I hate the whole Dawn thing, too. Nice to know that your only friend will turn on you the instant she hears about something bad you did without even bothering to get your side of the story. This pisses me off even more than the fucked-upped-ness of the Buffy/Spike relationship. I used to like Dawn. She had two of the most interesting relationships on the show (with Spike and with Tara). And now it's all gone. Poof!

On a more mundane level... Is there some rule that says that vampires have to lose any fashion sense the instant they recover their souls? 'Cause I don't think I've ever seen a bug-uglier shirt than the one Spike wears in this episode. It even looks bad on James Marsters, something which - until this episode - I had thought was impossible. (Well, OK, so he looked dorky in Xander's shorts and Hawaiian shirt in 'Doomed'. But they were trying for goofy there.) I will give them credit for fixing the hair, though. I couldn't stand him with the whole platinum-tipped-birdnest style. Ugh.

So, I suppose I should find at least one redeeming quality in this ep... OK, the funniest moment:

     Nancy: "Is there anyone here who hasn't slept together?!"
     Spike and Xander exchange a look and shudder.

Yeah, that was brilliant...despite the general crappiness of this episode. This one had a real S6 feel to me, which (thankfully) most of the rest of S7 so far escapes...well, mostly anyway. I guess I'm one of those foolish people that still had one teensy smidgeon of hope left. Just a little one, though.

Next time: The extended version of Lord of the Rings and cats and banana clips. Oh yeah, movie night adventures...

December 2, 2002

In case you couldn't tell by my poorly spelled message, I was tired as all hell last night. Fortunately, today I'll stop being "bried" (that's "brief" to those of you who can't translate Exhausted College Student into English ~_^). So, here's why I was so wasted yesterday:

OK, I have to fly back at 3:30. So, logically, my mom wakes me up at six-fucking-am to read me some newspaper article that I'm too asleep to remember anyway. I swear, my mom told me about this later and I did not remember it had happened. Isn't it great when this happens? You can never quite tell if the other person's putting you on or not. And I'm convinced my alarm doesn't ring until after the first snooze. I can't recall any time this quarter where I could actually consciously remember the first ring. I've got a friend who puts her alarm by the foot of the bed instead to avoid this problem. Now she's able to do a complete sit-up to turn off the alarm and stays asleep the whole time. If she hit the snooze enough, she'd have quite a morning exercise routine. And, my first year in college, there was this guy in the house who slept with - get this - three alarm clocks. And he still couldn't wake up. We had to go in and shake him silly before class every morning.

So, anyway, apparently I was up at six. There were eye-witnesses. I obviously regained my senses and went promptly back to bed because I remember waking up at 7:30. Now, I normally wake up around noonish. (Ah, the joys of college life...) So why did I wake up at this ungodly hour?

OK, I was having one of those stupid dreams that make you wound up so that you have to wake up every five minutes or so. Stupid dream went like this:

Have you seen that comercial where the parents are chewing their daughter out about getting pregnant in the living room (they're chewing her out in the living room; the daughter isn't getting pregnant in the living room, in case that's confusing), and then it turns out that the living room is actually one of those displays in furniture stores, and the family's just testing it to see if they can have 'family conversations' there? Well, if you haven't, there's a comercial like that. It's really dumb. So, my stupid dream is that comercial except Xander's reading the lines of the pregnant daughter, Spike's the mom, and Willow's the dad. And they're having the conversation in the middle of a snowy woods. Can you see why this dream is so stupid that my mind tried to escape it by waking up every five minutes yet? And there wasn't even anything new. It was just those three Buffy characters repeating the lines of the comercial that my subconscious could remember over and over again. Great way to start your day, huh?

So, yeah. What followed was one of those annoying half-days of freedom where you can't really enjoy it because in the back of your mind you know you're going to be getting on an airplane soon. And my parents wanted to discuss shit that I didn't want to talk about. Oh yeah, oodles of fun...

So, around two I get to the airport. If you don't know how much I hate airports, I wrote a whole blog on it. It's somewhere down this page aways. I'm sure you can find it. Anyway, MSP is just as foul as I remember it. And the flight's all booked up so I get stuck in seat 17F. That's far back. And a window seat.

There are exactly two things I look for in an airplane seat whenever I'm forced to take one: 1) as close to forward as possible; 2) on the aisle. You see, I get really claustrophobic. I'm photophobic, too, which means I hate being stuck next to windows with sun. I actually prefer the center seat if I can't have the aisle. Was I pissed about my seat? Oh yeah. The guy next to me doesn't do anything to make it better, either. He's one of those Hong Kong businessmen who thinks he owns the armrests - both of them. The woman in the aisle seat and I spent the entire flight fending him off from our seats, and he was smaller than either of us. Ugh.

So, I finally land in Chicago, get off the plane as fast as physically possible (doing a tricky little maneuver around Hong Kong guy so that I actually got off the plane before him; I barely resisted the urge to flip him the bird), and get a taxi (only after two pushy people stole the taxis I was in line for).

OK, my cab driver. This guy has only one ear. Like, one of his ears is completely chopped off, and there's only a stump left. I'm thinking 'prison or gang?' the entire ride. And he keeps checking me out in the rearview mirror. Can we say creepy? And then he has no clue where he's going. OK, what do cab drivers do when the passenger doesn't know the route to where they're going? I mean, it must happen all the time at the airport since half the people there aren't in their home town. But, no, he still needs directions. I think it was his way of flirting with me. Did I say creepy already?

I get home. I am very glad I live in dorm since creepy cab driver can't get past security. I drop off luggage and go to dinning hall. I always have very, very good food when I go home because my dad's Hungarian, so my parents don't buy into that bland American food crap. So, over the past few days, I'd gotten used to eating actual spices again. My motto: if it doesn't have onions, garlic, or paprika in it, it's no good. So, I missed the dinning hall about as much as I would miss having an ice pick shoved up my nose and then pounded up into my brain with a sledgehammer, i.e. not at all.

And there are people in the dinning hall. Like, people that require me to bring my dormant social skills back out into the open, so I don't seem like a zombie. It was very traumatic.

Having survived the dinning hall, I return to my room and transcribe everything I've written over break. That's right, kiddos. All those chapters I put out yesterday? They had all been written by hand and had to be typed into my computer. Now, I'm a pretty fast typer, but for some reason transcribing always gives me a headache.

So, then I have to go to house meeting, which is at 9 o'clock. I remember absolutely nothing that happened here. People claim to have seen me there, so I know I went. All I remember is crashing in my room and setting my #$(#*$&*#^ing alarm clock before I died.

So, in summary, I apologize for the typo. There were extenuating circumstances. ~_^

Next time: Ooh, another Buffy episode! It's a rerun, though, isn't it? Oh well, I'll just rant about it anyway. ^_^

November 30, 2002

For those of you that don't know, FX had this huge Buffy Marathon on Thanksgiving. It truly kicked ass. They showed Buffy, like, all day. Or at least during all the hours of the day while I was awake. Even better, they had people vote on their favorite episodes online and then showed those. So, why did I enjoy the Marathon so much? Because Spike fans went psycho with the voting. You could so tell.

Now, for things like #1, 'Hush', the voting was obviously based upon the episode's actual merit. But the fact that something like 'Something Blue' made #4... Now, don't get me wrong, 'Something Blue' is a great episode. It's funny and all that, but there's no way this would've been #4 without all the Buffy/Spike kissage. No way, no how. Yeah, it's a funny episode, but - in my mind, at least - it's not even the funniest episode that season. I was shocked and amazed to find out that 'Living Conditions' didn't make the cut. Or, say, 'A New Man'. Both of these are universally decreed (by the dozen or so Buffy fans in my dorm) to be the two funniest episodes ever. And I'm totally with them. I will say without a shadow of a doubt that I find 'Living Conditions' is the funniest.

So, if so many (12) people find 'Living Conditions' so damn funny, why didn't it win? Simple. No sex. Admittedly, 'Something Blue' doesn't have any sex, either, but at least it's got a lot of kissing that reminds people of all the juicy S6 sex. Actually, I'd be really curious to know how the voting would've gone if S6 episodes were on the list. S6 was pretty much crap, but there was a lot of naked Spike. I know I would've been torn if I'd had to choose between quality and a very nude Spike. No one should ever have to make that choice. It's one of those great ethical dilemmas for the ages. 

My own personal vote, 'Fool For Love', came in #5. This puzzled me a bit. After all, it's an episode where the entire plot is just plain Spike. And it has that lovely little Spuffy moment at the end that's funny and disfunctional and sweet all at the same time. (Why, oh why, couldn't their relationship have gone like that?) But it didn't have the sweet, cuddly kissing that 'Something Blue' had, and - if you're like me - you desperately need to see that after the angst of S6.

Other observations: Wow, there are more Anya fans out there than I thought! 'The Wish' and 'Doppelgangland' were both on the program, both very Anya-centric episodes. 'Something Blue' a bit, too. I guess people really dig the whole vengeance demon thing. Personally, I'm not all that fond of 'The Wish'. Pointless angst really isn't my thing, and the alterative-universe-where-everything's-terrible-until-the-hero-finds-a-way-to-fix-it thing is way overdone. But it is a nice Anya episode. I really appreciated all the Anya. It was nice and surprising.

On a funnier note, Angel totally got shafted. I think, like, four episodes from before S3 made the list - and most of them weren't really Angel-centric. Sure, 'Becoming' was, but Spike fans all love that one too because it's Buffy and Spike's first alliance. Thus, votes for 'Becoming' don't indicate a strong Angel fan base. And he totally got dumped in S3! It was great! All those long, dragged-out episodes with Angel and Buffy bemoaning how they couldn't be together didn't make it. I was thrilled. I was positive 'The Prom' would make it since all B/A'ers go: "It's so sweet..." Yeah, it's sweet. And hoaky. And lame. And, hello people, prom not the most important event in life! My guess is that most B/A'ers shun the show now. Hell, I would if I were one. B/A is so dead. Now, if only the fans would stop flaming me with poorly spelled reviews. (At least, I think they're flames. It's hard to tell sometimes. According to flamers I'm a "winy bavy" who writes "distubing" stories. It cracks me up. Before I remove the flames.)

So, I was pretty much pleased as punch at most of the episodes selected. There was one, however... OK, 'The Body'. This was the only episode I thought was really bad that made the list. Yeah, it's poignant and sad and stuff, but after 40 minutes of people crying and having elaborate conversations that essentially boil down to "She's dead, Jim", it got really old. I thought they did a much better job dealing with the implications of Joyce's death in the next episode, 'Forever'. 'The Body' just seemed like endless moping and angst to me, with no real point to it. Don't get me wrong, I
loved Joyce. Even did a little memorial story to her and Spike's friendship. But this episode just fell flat to me.

The showed 'The Gift' after that. Two death episodes in a row? I skipped them both. I don't need that right before bed, even though 'The Gift' actually is pretty good. On the plus side, I used the time to work of my massive WIPs. Yes, people, I am writing them out by hand on paper while I'm away from my lovely computer. And you so owe me for that.

Next time: Mih...I go back to school. I'm sure I'll manage to pull some topic out of that...

November 29, 2002

Given that I'm home for break and all so I can now mooch off of my parents' money, we had a little family outing today to see 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets'. As with the first one, I wasn't really struck by it either way. As a fan of the books, the movies seem grossly inferior to me, but they're still more entertaining than 99.99% of the crap that's out there now. And movies nowadays suck, sure, but it isn't an entertaining kind of suck. It's more of a 'I already forget the entire thing even though it only ended five seconds ago because making to sticky suction sounds with my shoes against the movie theater floor was more interesting than the crap on the screen' kind of a suck. And that's no way for a movie to suck. If it's going to stink, it should at least do so in a way that has you rolling around on the floor in hysterics because it's so goddamn bad. So, as a public service (god, am I full of myself...) I will give to you, my dear readers, my top ten 'So Bad They're Funny Movies':

10. Sholin Soccer. This is a great movie. Literally. Not sarcastic in the slightest. It's actually a comedy film that makes fun of bad Hong Kong action flicks. It's the highest grossing Chinese movie ever, and with good reason. See, the whole thing is about this dishonored soccer player who discovers a new protege ('Iron Leg') and starts up his own soccer team to battle 'Evil Team'. Can you see how tongue in cheek this movie is yet? It's got all sorts of lame Kung Fu metaphors for everything. Ultra-exsaggerated Matrix-type effects accompany every single frickin' kick in the entire soccer game, and I dare anyone not to be on the floor in hysterics after the first five minutes. And, of course, the subtitles are intentionally done as horribly as possible to capture that genuine Hong Kong 'are you sure those are in English?' feel to it. I am not joking. This is the funniest movie ever. And, unlike many of the others on this list, the directors were actually trying to be funny.

9. Batman. The original one. The campy 70s one. The last 'intentionally mocking' movie I'll put on this list. This movie's got everything from lame props (the Bat Shark Repellant) to ridiculous plot-twists ("Thank god that noble porpoise jumped in the way of that torpedo just in time!") to contorted logic ("What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous?" "A sparrow with a machine gun!" "Precisely, Robin!") to more blatant homoerotic imagery than most people can stand (never forget Robin's complete and utter lack of pants). Seriously, how can you not respect a movie where the main plot is four villains ganging up to dehydrate (into little piles of sand) the World's Peace Council and then hold them for ransom? And, yes, all the quotes I've listed are genuine. The entire movie's dialogue is in that style. It's impossible to watch this one and not blow a gasket. Even better, if you can get the DVD with special features, you can watch Adam West (Batman) taking the whole thing overly seriously and trying to argue that it really is a great movie. Sheer ludicrous brilliance!

8. Paint My Wagon. Now, this movie wasn't meant to be funny. But, honestly, what did they think it was going to be with Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin singing? Yes, that's right, folks. It's a Western...Musical. Clint Eastwood actually does sing. And it's every bit as terrible as you're imagining it right now. Worse, even. The plot is equally absurd. Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin 'share' a wife for a while, until eventually everyone decides that they need some whores for their little mining town, so they go out and get themselves some whores. While singing. There's an entire song about going out to get whores. And the movie's like four hours, too. It's hard to sit through the whole thing because about halfway through your side has already split, so you can't laugh at it anymore. But, oh, is that first half a riot...

7. The Quick and the Dead. Now, my dad and I will watch just about anything. There have been exactly two movies we've had to stop watching because they were just that bad. This was one of them. (I'll refrain from listing the second here because it's incredibly popular right now, and I don't want to get flamed that much...) But this movie's a real vomiter. I've only seen the first half, of course, but it was enough to know that Sharon Stone is a gunslinger (ooh, already a believable plot there...) who's trying to kill Gene Hackman for some stupid vendetta at this gunslinger tournament. The scary thing is that the cast of this movie includes the aforementioned Gene Hackman, Russell Crowe, and Leonardo DiCaprio, all of whom actually can act. (Note that Sharon Stone did not make the list of people who can act. ^_^) It's like they gathered together this great amount of talent and then stuck them all in a complete piece-of-shit plot just to trick people into actually watching the movie. This is one of those movies that's so bad, you have to see it to believe it.

6. Jaws 2. Ah, the lovely genre of Crap Horror. Now, the original Jaws was a great movie. Tense, suspenseful, clever and original soundtrack, memorable scenes and characters... In short, one of the best horror movies yet made. The sequel...is something else. The main action centers around a bunch of annoying sail-boating teens who go out despite the fact that there's an 80 foot shark on the loose, killing everything in a hundred mile radius because sharks are just evil, dammit! Of course, there are dozens of horror movies with similar plots, but the scene that makes this movie stand out in terms of lousiness is as follows: The teens are trapped out on their little sailboats with the shark circling them in a menacing way. A rescue helicopter flies in to save them. It lands on the water and...Jaws eats the helicopter!! It's so collosally stupid, I still don't really believe it happened. The scary thing is that there's a Jaws 3, too. In that one, Jaws is in an aquarium killing people. Oh yeah, that's realistic... There was a Jaws 4 as well, but I'd already learned my lesson by that point...

5. Gozilla vs. Monster Zero. Yeah, at least one Godzilla movie had to make the list since I've seen them all, but this one is my personal favorite...or should that be least-favorite? In this one, a bunch of aliens come to earth to 'borrow' Godzilla and Rodan to save their planet from Monster Zero. ("We number everything on our planet. King Chidra is Monster Zero. Godzilla is Monster Zero-One. Rodan is Monster Zero-Two.") Some stupid stuff follows, and eventually the fight gets back to Tokyo. (Don't ask me how, OK? The plot of this movie makes no sense, whatsoever.) It ends with all the monsters plunging into the ocean after a big battle. Badly-Dubbed-Goofy-Japanese-Guy and Ditsy-Japanese-Girl-Who-Sounds-Like-A-Judge-On-Iron-Chef stand by. "Could Chidra have killed Godzirra and Rodan?" Girl asks. "No," Guy responds, "he couldn't have. They're too tough." And did I mention that the aliens turn out to be giant cockroaches? And the witty romantic banter between Guy and Girl consists of Girl saying: "You cheeky pig." Even worse, this movie just barely beat out Gozilla vs. Megalon where the evil monster is a giant flea (the guy in the suit hops around the whole time) and the 'scientific' explanation for how the human-created robot suddenly grows to Godzilla-sized proportions is: "He's growing larger somehow." Both movies feature the famous 'Godzilla March' in their soundtracks.

4. Plan 9 From Outer Space. You know I've seen some truly putrid movies when this one only makes #4 on my list. For those of you that haven't heard of Ed Wood's ultimate folly, the plot involves alien invaders (wearing really dorky silver suits) coming down to earth and beginning 'Plan 9' to take over. (No, we never do hear what Plans 1-8 were...) This plan is, of course, to raise a bunch of zombies who...do something really bad, I'm sure, even though we never see what it was. This was Bela Legosi's (of Dracula fame) last movie. In particular, it was made entirely after he died. He's also the lead in it. Can you see where this would be a problem? Ed Wood's got like five stock scenes that Legosi did, and for all the rest of it, he just hires his chiropractor (who looks nothing like Legosi) to walk around with his cape pulled up over his face, hoping that no one will notice. I can't even begin to catalogue the gratuitous mistakes in this movie (although the documentary about the making, Flying Saucers Over Hollywood, does a brilliant and complete job of it). My personal faves: cardboard cutout gravestones that flap back and forth whenever a main character bumps into them, aliens with little lightning-bolt insignias on their uniforms and goofy-looking hand gestures ("Idiotic, arm-crossing of aliens," says a cinema teacher in Flying Saucers Over Hollywood), and - of course - model kit flying saucers with the string clearly visible. This movie is so bad, it's beautiful.

3. The Conqueror. A big-budget feature produced by Howard Hughes (already a bad sign). It tells the tale of Genghis Khan. Not so bad so far, right? Well, guess who they got to play Genghis Khan. Go on, I dare you. Think of old actors and pick the absolute worst person for the role. You got it? Did you guess John Wayne? That's right, John Wayne playing Genghis Khan...need I even point out that he couldn't pass for a Mongol if his life depended on it? But they've still got to try, so they have him wearing this dorky-looking Fu Manchu mustache throughout the whole thing. Are you cringing in pain yet? Well, here's the love interest: a Tartar princess played by Rita Hayward. In case you don't know, Rita Hayward is red-headed and very, very white. Why they thought Tartars had red hair is beyond me. And the plot's not much better than the casting. Of course, John Wayne has his cowboy drawl throughout the whole thing, even though all his lines are in this ultra-formal style. It's just impossible not to laugh every time he opens his mouth. My personal fave: "Yer beautiful in yer wrath." Can we say P.U.?

2. Manos the Hands of Fate. This movie was directed by a fertilizer salesman. No kidding. And, yeah, it's pretty much manure. The first half-hour or so is this family driving around in a car, lost. Literally. It's just a bunch of footage of a car driving around endlessly. No dialogue, no nothing. Just a car driving back and forth. Really crappy shots, too. To quote the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version: "Every shot looks like someone's last known photograph." Eventually the family winds up at this house where they stay the night with the 'monster', Torgo. How can you tell Torgo's a monster? Why, because he has really big knees. They stuck pillows under the knees of his pants. I am not kidding. So, are you scared yet? I'm not going to even try to explain the plot because I've read about half a dozen synopses on the Internet, and no one can agree what the movie was actually about. It does have one lovely scene where half a dozen chicks in white, see-through nightgowns all get into a wrestling match. And why do I mention the Mystery Science 3000 version? Why, because this movie's so bad that that's the only form you can get it in. Over half the cast committed suicide after this movie was finished (honestly). The world is better off for it.

1. Night of the Lepus. A typical Horror Movie sounding title, right? Yes, it's another of those giant-something-or-others-attack-somewhere-or-other. The giant things in this case are, of course, the 'Lepus' from the title. Do you know what a 'Lepus' is? Hint: it's the one thing Anya's truly scared of. That's right. Sooner or later, it was doomed to happen. A movie in which giant bunnies terrorize a populace. (Yes, this movie actually does exist. DeForest Kelley - Dr. McCoy of Star Trek - was in it if you want to check. And, really, could I make something this lame up?) It's not exactly clear why giant bunnies are scary. I think maybe we're supposed to assume that they're killing people or something...because bunnies do that, you know, being the vicious, carnivorous creatures that they are. The problem is that the stock footage they've got blown up of the bunnies (so large that you can see right through them, of course) has them all eating lettuce. So the entire movie is giant bunnies hopping around and eating lettuce while people scream and flee in horror from them. Can you see why this one made #1 yet? I guess Anya was right all those years about the horrors of bunnies...

So, if you're really bored like I obviously was when I watched most of these, seek these movies out. Because we need to learn how to make good bad movies again. Memorable ones. 'Oh my god, I've been traumatized for life at the stupidity of that' ones. All in the name of high art, of course. ~_^

Next time: Spike fans are scary. Including me. They're everywhere...

November 28, 2002

I hate airports. They're one of the more depressing places on the planet. And, since I'm in college, I have to spend a lot of time in them. See, my class schedule is always such that I just about miss one flight, so I always book the later one. Then, I rush out of class to find that, lookee, I could've made the earlier one anyway. On slow days, I actually can switch flights. Not on the day before Thanksgiving, though. Oh no.

So, I spent four hours in the airport to take a 50 minute flight. (And, yes, I could drive, but the eight hours that takes is still more than the amount of time I spend in the airport. Plus, I don't have a car. Well, not at college anyway.) And the really scary thing? Four hours isn't bad. There's this guy sitting at the gate beside me who's got a seat on the 6:15 flight. His meeting got cancelled so he got to the airport at 12:30, thinking that since there are three flights before his, he'll get home earlier. Wrong. He was still sitting there when I boarded. Out of pity, I resisted the urge to thumb my nose at him.

The problem with airports is that they're: A) Ugly, and B) Boring.

Now, I actually have been in some airports that aren't ultra-ugly. However, half of my waiting time is spent in the Twin Cities airport. If you've ever had the misfortune of being stuck at MSP, you have my deepest sympathies...and I'm sure I have yours. See, it snows a lot in the Twin Cities. That means that mud and slush and such gets tracked over everything. It's a bitch on carpets. So, the airport's solution? Grey carpets with patterns that look just like mud splatters on them. I can just hear the Muses screaming in agony at the aesthetic nightmare that is MSP's carpet. But, still, not so bad, right? At least it's just a crappy carpet? Well, unfortunately the satanic interior designers decided that since they had grey carpets, they should keep the lovely grey color scheme for every single fucking item in the entire terminal. Literally. The seats are grey. The walls are grey. The ceiling's grey. The carts are grey. The moving walkways are grey. The fucking airport shops are grey. The people are even starting to turn grey. It's like being stuck in a really depressing Ingmar Bergman movie but without the nice photography.

So, now you're stuck in the ugliest setting imaginable, so what do you do? Nothing. There's not a goddamn thing to do except gripe to your neighbors about being stuck in the airport for so long and watch the departure information like a hawk, feeling oddly masochistic since you know any second that that evil 'FLIGHT DELAYED' message is going to appear.

On a side note, I once had a flight delayed because the plane blew a tire on the way in. Of course, they managed not to have any replacement tires at Midway airport. The solution? Fly a new tire in from Detroit. This was actually faster than sending one in from O'Hare which is in the same city as Midway. That's got to be the most absurd delay ever.

Back to bored things to do in the airport... Everyone brings the obligatory book, but that woman with the really shrill voice announces something over the PA system every five seconds, so you can't really get into it. And, of course, there are those TVs that are in airports now. You know the ones. They have either some pop celebrity scandal or the latest MTV crap blaring out of the speakers so loudly that your ears start bleeding. My dad and I once tried to find one spot in all of MSP where we weren't being assaulted by 'Oops, I did it again'. It wasn't physically possible. I wish I could tack on the 'and then we smashed all the televisions and there was much rejoicing' happy end, but like miserable law-abiding citizens we just sucked it up and took it.

So, once the book has failed, I switch over to the 'playing endless games of Solitaire' technique. Keep in mind that I actually know how to play good games of Solitaire that require thought and everything. This works for a little while until that one really fat person takes the seat next to you that you were using as a card table. Said person, of course, steals all your leg and elbow room (and you're not even on the plane yet).

You get up, and now you've got even less to do than you did before. This is where really wacky ideas come into play. My personal favorite: walking alongside the moving walkway and passing those business people with the briefcases and the power walks. You have to do this without running. It's quite the aerobic workout. And you get really strange looks from people around you. But it's all worth it to know that those Wallstreet types are agonizing over the fact that apparently their mode of transportation isn't that fast, because hey you're beating them. I've actually gotten into some fine races with balding businessmen who just refuse to acknowledge that I can walk faster under only my own powers than they can with the addition of mechanical conveniences. Those are always the most satisfying races to win. And, oh yes, I do win. Every time.

But, you can't venture very far from the gate, because somewhere in the back of your mind you've got that false hope that just maybe your flight will leave early, and you'll be able to get out of this hellhole ahead of time. You're stuck back at the gate. Only now you've got no seat.

This is where you thank your lucky stars that there's at least one group of people there more bored than you are: airport personnel. They have to spend the entire day in the airport. It's great; it makes them all punchy and weird, and pretty soon you start getting those bizarro messages over the PA. The one from this last flight of mine: "Will the passenger who left their sombrero at Checkpoint 5 please retrieve their sombrero. Repeat, will the passenger who left their sombrero at Checkpoint 5 please retrieve their sombrero." It's moments like those that make life worth living...or at least not commiting suicide in the airport bathroom because none of the toilets are flushed and you really have to go...

But, then again, I'm home after only 4 hours and 50 minutes, so what have I got to complain about? Really? ~_^

Next time: It's 11-frickin'-o'clock at night, and I don't feel like coming up with a topic right now. So, you'll just have to wait and see, huh?

November 27, 2002

OK, so yeah. It's Thanksgiving. Well, it'll be Thanksgiving in about two hours anyway. Yeah, right now I'm kicking it back in the great state of Minnesota, enjoying my full refridgerator priveledges and trying to figure out why the one day I come home to the state with actual cold, it decides to snow in Chicago. The weather in Chicago is out to get me, I tell you. It's always intentionally the way I like it whenever I'm about to leave, and then the instant I get back it turns all crappy-rainy-windy on me. Grrr...stupid Chicago.

But, anyway, the just of all this is that I'm now officially back home. And none of the relatives that I hate have come over to visit. Life is good. Life is grand. Well, except for the ever-looming finals. But, who do I have to thank for both my lovely trip home as well as finals not being quite so nasty as usual? That's right, my Greek teacher. This is why he is GOD.

Now, on Monday I'm toodling about, walking back and forth between classes. I have to start at the ungodly hour of 9:30 AM, so you can imagine that by the time I get to Greek (12:30) I'm already completely out for the day. (God, I love my class schedule...) So I'm walking into the Classics building up to our Greek room, and I notice no one's there. I frown and scratch my head for a second. Then I notice the note on the door. Cautiously I approach. Is it an announcement of some horrid pop quiz? Are we all supposed to be writing an extensive paper on our class discussions thus far? (Obviously, no, or I'd be arguing that my Greek teacher is the devil.) Oh no, it's a lovely, little announcement. Brief, succinct, and to the point. A divine epistle sent from the heavens in reward for the agonizing three hours a day we poor college students must suffer: 'Class cancelled all this week. Enjoy your break.'

Need I say that my heart soared at the sight? I contemplated for a few seconds whether one of the department advisors would have me committed if they caught me kissing the announcement. Unfortunately, reason won over, and our brief affair ended before it even had a chance to begin. But, still: cancelling class all week! How kick-ass is that?!

Now, I know what you're all saying: "He'll make you pay for it later. He'll make the final, like, 80 pages long. And that's without the footnotes. Which you have to include as well." But, ha! You're wrong! He's already given us the final. Get this: it's the exact same thing as our daily homework assignment. Yeah, that's right. The homework I do for every class? I just have to do that once more and turn it in, and that's the final. It'll take me all of two hours. And only that if I do a really good job on it.

Why on earth aren't more teachers like this? I mean, it's brilliant. He already knows we can all do the work for the class, since we do it every day. And it's not like he wants to waste a week grading a huge stack of papers. The solution? Just give one final homework assignment; the students do it right, they obviously pass the class. Saves both you and them from all that unneccessary stress and work. And, really, who pays attention in class on the two day week before Thanksgiving break? No one, that's who. I was outlining by next B/S saga all throughout my music class. Hell, like I was gonna think about school work when in a few hours I'd be flying home. And it's not like the teacher enjoys checking the clock every five minutes so they can go "woo-hoo! Up yours UofC! I'm done!" either. Well, unless they're sadomasochistic pigs. Which a frightening number of profs are. But my Divine Greek Teacher knows better. He wants the whole week off so, hell, give the class a break, too. 

Is this cool or what? Wouldn't you totally worship this teacher if you had him? Aren't you planning my demise right now for getting off so easy? Aren't your faces twisted in hate and anger as you plot the gruesomeness of my demise?

Well, anyway, as I am on break, I'm making this blog a short one. And there's nothing you can do about it. So, nyah, nyah.

Next time: How to survive a grueling four hours in the airport because of stupid delays. Hint: sombreros are a great help...

November 26, 2002

WARNING: THIS BLOG CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE EPISODE 'NEVER LEAVE ME'!

OK, if you haven't already guessed (and you'd have to be really clueless not to do so), I really like Spike. Way more than Buffy. Basically, the only reason I'm a Spuffy shipper is because Spike loves Buffy, and I want Spike to be happy. But this season's even taxing my nerves.

Some of you might be baffled as to why on earth I'm so pissed. After all, Buffy's taking care of Spike now, she said she believes in him. It should be a happy, joyous day, right?

Wrong!

See, my problem is that I don't think that the Spike we're seeing is the real Spike anymore. He's not the same person at all. He's got a soul. Does anyone out there really think Angel and Angelus are the same person (all personal issues with the whole B/A thing aside)? No? I didn't think so. So, why on earth should it be any different with Spike?

What came back from Africa wasn't the vampire I love, dammit! He doesn't act like him, doesn't feel like him, doesn't think like him...sure as hell doesn't dress like him! The real Spike would be rolling over in his empty grave if he saw some of those lame GAPesque jackets his souled self's been sporting. Don't get me wrong, James Marsters is still gorgeous and all, and I ogled Spike's naked body in 'Sleeper' just as much as the next straight girl. And gay guy. And gay girl. And straight guy. Because Spike's salty goodness crosses all lines of gender and sexuality. Drool...naked Spikey goodness...

Huh? What? Where was I? Oh yeah. So the just of all this is, I don't care what Buffy's relationship with this Spike is because he's not my Spike. I mean, how sick is the whole idea anyway? Buffy refuses to help Spike or care for him or even so much as treat him like something more than her cheap whore even though he's trying to be good for her, and all of a sudden that's different just because he has a soul? Oh, I'm sorry, Spike. I can't bother to give a damn the way you are now. Go commit the essential equivalent to spiritual suicide, and then we'll talk. And I just laugh out loud at all this talk about Spike changing. Like he was the problem in their relationship that needed to change or something. Hello? Spike already did change. It happened in S5, remember? That whole love making Spike turn from being entirely selfish to actually making friends with Dawn and finding a noble purpose in unlife? Did Marti just not watch S5 or something? Hell, if anyone needed to change for the better, it was Buffy, but this show's so goddamn anti-male that they'll never even acknowledge this fact. You don't believe me? Read these two articles: Domestic Abuse and Gender Role Reversal in Season 6 by Kristen Smirnov and Gender Dynamics in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Laura. They say everything that I want to gripe about so much more succintly that I can, because I'm pissed, dammit!

On the other hand, it was nice seeing Spike finally chew Buffy out for using him. God, have I been waiting for that scene for ages... The whole 'you want men to hurt you' thing was irritating, though probably true. But that scene just dragged on and on and on and on and on until me and the guy who I watch BtVS with - who's also my ex...and reminds me Riley (a long story for another blog) - were just praying that Spike would break free, and he and Buffy would find some way to kill each other simultaneously so that we could stop clutching our ears in pain. Fortunately, one of the back-up writers had the same thought and Harbingers dashed in the rescue, attacking the lame dialogue and thus saving the day! Dude, why are we supposed to think the Harbingers are evil when they break-up angst-ridden Buffy/Spike scenes that aren't going anywhere but down the toilet (or down the urinal)? Frankly, Buffy and Spike are getting to be as bad as Buffy and Angel were in S3. I actually liked the Buffy/Angel plot until it got all sappy and angsty. Even Angel-the-psycho-killer was better than Buffy and Angel whining 24/7 about why they can't be together. Please, please, don't let the same fate befall Spike!

And how must Spike be feeling about this? You know, the real Spike. The demon one. The one who's still trapped within and is seeing all this happen around him. He's watching the woman he loves basically flip her opinion about him just because he's not really him anymore. Argh! It's so wrong, I can't even begin to contemplate it! You want to know why I've written so many angsty short stories lately; that's why.

So, yeah, I know I am so going to get flamed for this blog, so you don't even need to tell me. Everyone probably disagrees with me (well, except the naked Spikey goodness part). You've probably all got pitchforks now. And torches. Oops, the snow just put out the torches. Oh, yay, now you've all got flamethrowers. That's an improvement. 'Death by flamethrower' just sounds cool. And, if you've got to have a Death Certificate, you should at least get to have something cool like 'death by flamethrower' in the 'cause of death' line. Fortunately, I don't really plan to die. See, I've got this secret plan to sneak out of my dorm room tomorrow, hop onto a plane, and skip over two states. Most people call it Thanksgiving Break; I call it a crafty escape plan. (Dude, my delusional little world is so cool! I've got all these spies and shit trying to kill me as I make the dangerous journey through the minefield from the cafeteria to the Classics building. Sometimes I get strange looks from other students when I duck and roll for no reason, but at least I didn't get hit by that laser blast... Yeah, I'm just kidding...you hope... ~_^) So, in summary, don't kill me. And I promise to be funny next time. Funny and not-pissed. I swear.

Next time: Why my Greek teacher is the most beautiful human being on the face of the earth. (Hint: It has to do with cancelling class...)

November 25, 2002

OK, so you've probably figured out that I'm college student by now. Which means I live in a dorm. There are 12 people on my floor and one bathroom. Said bathroom is co-ed. All the bathrooms in my house are co-ed. Now, given that I've been living here for over three years now, the concept of essentially sharing the same shower with some guy I can't stand with only a thin, little plastic shower curtain between us no longer bothers me. Waking up to find puke all over the floor of the showers does bother me, but that's not a co-ed problem, per se. The really weird thing that I don't get are the public urinals.

Yes, that's right, in a bathroom that women frequent there is an open urinal just standing there by the door. And the guys on my floor actually use this urinal. Now, I've got the whole 'intentionally avert eyes to the left whenever I enter the bathroom' reflex down pat now. (And, no, the urinal is not on the left. Get your minds out of the gutter, people!) But what are these guys thinking, anyway? Hmm, I'll just piss here out in the open where all sorts of strange women walk in and are immediately greeted by the sight of my dick...yes, that's a much better alternative than using the private toilet stalls... So, imagine you're a guy (if you're a guy, this shouldn't be too difficult). Are you going to pee where half the world can walk in and gawk at you? And, OK, so maybe you're secretly hoping that that one cute girl will check out your package. But what about all the parents that come through?! Seriously, like, people's grandparents come to visit, and they just walk right into their sweet, little granddaughter's bathroom and find this guy just standing there pissing all over the urinal. Can we say 'eeeewwww!!!'? I knew we could.

See, my basic problem is that I don't understand the purpose of urinals in the first place. I mean, I get the whole standing up and peeing thing. I don't get the standing up and peeing into a urinal. When given a choice (and, yes, we have had extensive conversations about this at the dinning hall table...with real guys; ah, the great intellectual discussions of the UofC...) guys actually prefer urinals. How the hell do they pick this up? The only place you ever see urinals is in public bathrooms! You'd think that since guys (supposedly) spend most of their time peeing at home, and private homes do not have urinals, that they'd be used to toilets, right? Right? Urinals should be an oddity, something they only encounter once in a great while. Before they were thrust upon me in the dorm, I think I'd used public restrooms less than 100 times. Total. In my life. So where do guys pick up the urinal-using habit? By some strange coincidence of fate, have they all managed to pee mostly in public places throughout their life? WTF?!

And while we're on the topic of strange co-ed bathroom habits... OK, you guys out there: why on earth do you brush your teeth in the shower?! Huh? What's up with that? I mean, not all guys do it, but no woman ever (that I've known, at least) has brushed her teeth in the shower. It's just weird. All those toothbrush and toothpaste comercials we've all been seeing since we were two - everyone brushes their teeth at the sink. Not that the toothbrush thing annoys me, it's just incredibly confusing.

But, seriously, college is like the best place ever to brush your teeth (if you use the sink like a normal person). Because classes start at the same time, everyone always gets to the bathroom at the same time in the morning. This means you've got about five people all trying to brush their teeth at the same time. "But doesn't this mean that people rush in, brush for five seconds, and get out, leaving their teeth not well brushed?" you may well ask. It's exactly the opposite really. Everyone feels guilty about being the first one to finish since they know everyone will be thinking that they haven't managed to fully eradicate nasty morning breath, so they just keep on going waiting for someone else to finish first. And no one can use the 'I'm late for class so I'm in a hurry' excuse because if they were late, everyone else brushing their teeth would be late, too. I've seen the vicious brushing cycle go on for at least five minutes. So, then one person finally has to cave because we aren't all still stuck brushing our teeth. Obviously. Since I'm writing this and all. And we haven't all flunked out yet. So the person who stops brushing first (generally because they're getting repetitive stress disorder from the brushing motion) has to redeem their Oral Hygiene Honor. The obvious solution: floss.

OK, before I came to college I never flossed. Well, so I did it once or twice right before my dentist appointment so that bitchy hygenist lady wouldn't yell at me so much. Frankly, nobody naturally flosses (unless they eat corn-on-the-cob a lot). And everybody knows this. That means that that first person who stops brushing gets dibs on flossing for the day. Because everyone's supposed to brush their teeth in the morning, but if you've got five people all flossing together at the same time, it just looks rigged. Hence, my impatience and near gag reflex to toothpaste have made my gums extra healthy. I am the Master of Floss. Lower classmen tremble at my mighty Dental Hygiene Kung Fu. (Yes, we're all paranoid, OCD nerds.)

Maybe that's why guys brush their teeth in the shower: to avoid the whole toothbrushing war. I still can't explain the urinals, though. I'm just glad my grandparents never visit. Well, I'd better be going now. Rumor has it that cute guy up on the 4th floor is in the bathroom... ~_^

Next time: A new episode of Buffy! Finally, something relevant to blog about... ^_^

November 24, 2002

OK, so yeah, I'm running around on the Internet one day last month (probably trying to avoid thinking about how long it'd been since I updated 'The Seventh Slayer') and I come across this great site. Phenomenal site. mr. monkeybottoms' diary. If you don't know who mr. monkeybottoms is, I pity you. Go read her stories now! So, anyway, our admirable mr. monkeybottoms has this whole 'blog' section, and I'm like WTF? What's a 'blog'? Turns out its just this space where you can spew off at the mouth about any damn thing you can think of. And I'm like "people read these things"? Of course, mr. monkeybottoms is so cool that her blog kicks ass, and you just have to read it. So, anyway, I'm toodling up this site, and I get this idea. People say they like the 'blog-like' contents of my author's notes. So, I go, "Hey, why don't I start my own blog?" I said it in a really goofy American dumb-guy accent. Unfortunately, it doesn't translate well into typing.

So, what does all this mean? Well, obviously that I'm writing this blog now. I have no idea if people will read. But it's kind of fun. So I'll keep going.

I mean, how cool is the idea anyway? I just can go on and on about whatever rant I can think of. My rant topic today seems to be blogging itself. Now, keep in mind, I'm a bit freaked about this. This causes me to babble. Hopefully, that's funny. My friends all seem to think so, given that they all start laughing (they swear with me, not at me) whenever I go on for more than a minute straight (unless it's about Classics; I promise I won't blog about Classics...). Hell, even random people in my dorm start making these weird, 'I'm really trying not to laugh because I'll spew the bland, processed food the dorm always feeds us all over the table if I do' faces whenever I talk. And then I ask them "What?!" Again, I've got the perfect whine for this word that makes people never, ever want to hear me say it again. They continue their half-assed attempts at not laughing (frequently around a glass of some carbonated beverage, so they don't have to look at me) and say it's nothing. Yeah, right! You're laughing at me, people! I must being doing something to amuse you! I'm not trying, dammit! So what is it?! ARGH!!

To answer a FAQ, no, I'm not legally insane. Possibly because I've never let a shrink examine me.

So, what was I talking about again? Oh, yeah. Blogs. Anyway, yeah, it's scary what with knowing that cool, funny people like mr. monkeybottms have them, and I'm just little ole me. But, mih, no one has to read this, dammit, and it makes me feel like I'm doing something important. So, I guess I'll keep it up. (Note how I say that like it wasn't a forgone conclusion. I actually came to a conclusion about my thesis question "to blog or not to blog?" in my concluding paragraph. I am such an academic loser...)

So, yeah. I'm done now. Bye. Go away! ARGH! Why are you still reading, dammit?! I said I was done!! ~_^