Summary: After 'Grave', Buffy watches through the Trio's old tapes and discovers a new side to Spike that she had never realized existed... A sad fic. *WIP, CH5 new, begun January 2003* R

Author's Note: Yeah, this occurs after 'Grave'. As in, Spike's off in Africa and has already gotten his soul, and Buffy's back in Sunnydale with the whole post-apocalyptic thing. I am warning you right now. This is not a happy fic. In fact, it'll probably be nice and depressing. But I figured it'd be a good idea to give Buffy the same view of Spike that his fans had...and we all know how depressed we are right about now...

Fifteen days.

It had been fifteen days now since Willow and Giles had gone back to England. Fifteen days since the apocalypse had been averted. Fifteen days to recover from all that had happened. That was over two weeks. It was more than she’d been given after her mom had died. So, that meant that it had to be enough.

With a weary sigh, Buffy got out of bed, ready to do...something productive. She’d only left the house in the past two weeks to dish out the horrors of Doublemeat hell and do a few quick patrols. She was neglecting her duties, she knew. It just seemed like her chores were mounting up into this huge, insurmountable pile... Which probably meant she should use this – her lovely day off – to cut back on the sheer magnitude of tasks that had to be done. She checked her list.

    Grout bathtub... No.
    Help clean out Magic Box... No.
    Check Spike’s crypt... A world of no.

Buffy shuddered inwardly and read on.

    Remove all those video files the Trio have of us online...

Buffy rolled her eyes. Shortly before Willow had gone off the deep end, she’d discovered that the three nerds had taken the more entertaining recordings they’d gotten from their secret surveillance equipment and put it up on their website. Fortunately, pre-evil Willow had hacked their password and begun removing the more inappropriate files. But then disaster had struck, and all the videos of Buffy changing and Willow and Dawn arguing and Xander and Anya doing NC17 things in all sorts of public places had remained online.

Buffy decided she really should do something about that. She briefly checked to make sure that her memories of just what she personally had seen on those tapes weren’t too painful. They weren’t; a whole new pain had taken its place.

“Deleting Nerd Central it is,” Buffy muttered under her breath, turning on Willow’s computer. Luckily, the ex-Witch had given her detailed instructions on how to do absolutely everything. Otherwise Buffy would’ve been baffled the instant she opened the Trio’s page.

She had no technical difficulty now, though, merely an emotional dilemma. Most of the lewd videos were likely to be on Warren’s page, she knew. However, she couldn’t quite stomach the idea of dealing with Warren’s sleaziness...especially since he was dead now. Jonathan’s page... Well, to tell the truth, she still felt a bit betrayed by Jonathan. After all, he had handed her that Class Protector award...and then come back to try and kill her. That left Andrew’s page. She had barely ever even figured out who Andrew was. Andrew was safe. She clicked on the link.

Instantly, her room was bombarded by the Star Wars empire theme, and Andrew, dressed in Darth Vader gear sans helmet (yeah, right...), appeared on the screen. Buffy searched frantically for a way to stop the music and finally had to settle for yanking the speakers out of their jack.

She breathed a sigh of relief when blessed silence greeted her ears. “Why me?” she sighed aloud before searching down Andrew’s video list.

He seemed to have it divided into sections. Buffy clicked on ‘Monkeys and Demon Slaying’, partially because it was first on the list and partially because she couldn’t even begin to guess what the category meant. A dozen or so video files appeared on the screen. She plugged the speakers back in and clicked the first one before sitting back curiously as the video began to play.

It was Xander, Willow, Tara, and Anya all sitting in the Magic Box, doing research. There were a few trades of books, and then suddenly Xander pointed to the page before him.

“I’ve got it!” he exclaimed.

Willow leaned over his shoulder to look at it. “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle...”

The video ended.

Buffy blinked. OK, that was weird... She clicked on the second video.

Xander was in his apartment reading the newspaper while Anya dug through the fridge.

“What about Planet of the Apes?” Xander asked, obviously perusing the movie listings.

“Nah,” Anya said. “A remake of a movie about monkeys?”

The video cut off.

Buffy had a sinking suspicion about what the category meant. She clicked on the next video.

Again in the Magic Box. “Oh, for cryin’ out...!” Spike complained, rolling his eyes at Xander. “Even a monkey could figure this out!”

End clip.

Buffy shuddered. It was true. Andrew really had taken every instance where one of them had used the word ‘monkey’ and put them all together in a video library. She shivered. That was really, really scary. Make that really, really, reeeally scary. Who had time to do that sort of crap, anyway?

Deciding that the monkey category was probably safe from anything of a pornographic nature – or, at least, she hoped so – she went back and checked the next category.

“Star Trekkin’?” She really didn’t want to know, did she?

Reluctantly, she clicked on the first video to find that Andrew had stuck the Scooby Gang’s heads on the bodies of the original Star Trek cast and made them act out classic Star Trek episodes. Buffy got just one look at her with Captain Kirk’s paunch and quickly deleted the entire library.

“Who would actually watch any of this crap?” she grumbled to herself as she went down the list of categories quickly.

Nothing caught her eye until she reached the very bottom of the list. The last category. ‘Spike is a God.’

A feeling of dread came over her, but she clicked on it anyway, her finger moving on the mouse of its own accord. Several still-shots of Spike in various stages of undress greeted her eyes.

“Always suspected he had a thing for Spike,” she felt obliged to comment. She bit her lower lip. While Spike was the one of them least likely to object to having nude pictures of himself running about the Internet, she still felt guilty just leaving them there. “You so owe me for this,” she informed a picture of Spike sitting naked atop his sarcophagus.

She absentmindedly tried to place where the camera would be in his crypt. They hadn’t managed to find this one yet, and Buffy groaned at the thought of having to track down another stupid camera...

And how had they gotten it in his crypt, anyway? They were all scared shitless of Spike. She was amazed they had even set foot in his cemetery, let alone his crypt. They’d probably summoned some demon or other to do it for them. In fact, now that she thought about it, hadn’t Spike been complaining about something messing around in his home a while back?

And just how long had that camera been there? Buffy’s face immediately paled. She so did not need to have the Buffy/Spike Sexcapades 2002 broadcast for all the world to see. Hell, she was still mortified from having to confess to all her friends...

“Can’t delete fast enough...” she muttered under her breath.

And then something on the screen caught her eye. It was the first video file, only these we all clearly labeled. In bold black letters were the words ‘First Kiss with Buffy.’

Buffy groaned. They had a camera in the alley outside the Magic Box, too? She figured she’d better watch the damn thing just to figure out where this newest camera was. She clicked on the video...and came up with something other than she had been expecting...

The shot was still that of Spike’s crypt. She watched, puzzled for a minute, as Clem dug around in Spike’s pile of movies. What, had this video been mislabeled or something?

But then Spike appeared on the small screen, and her questions were answered.

Clem looked up as Spike entered, humming the song he’d sung to her – she recognized the tune.

“Uh-oh,” Clem shifted nervously. “You’re not going to start singing, are you?”

It took Spike a moment to realize that Clem was there and had just asked him a question. He had a rather dazed smile on his face and had to shake his head a few times before he could respond. “Huh?”

“I asked if you were going to start singing,” Clem looked curious about the completely happy look on his vampire friend’s face.

“Oh no,” Spike batted one hand in the air dismissively, “took care ‘f the demon, spell’s over, yadda-yadda-yadda.” He abruptly vaulted over the back of the couch, causing it – and Clem – to bounce when he landed on the far end.

“We still on for the ‘Cops’ marathon then?” Clem asked, studying Spike as if he were some strange form of alien life.

Spike had zoned out again, humming to himself, wide grin still plastered all across his face. “Huh? What?” He belatedly realized what the question was. “Oh...yeah, sure...”

Clem gave him a quizzical glance. “OK,” he finally demanded, “I’ll bite. What’s up?”

“Up?” Spike tried to look like nothing was unusual and failed miserably. “What makes you think something’s up?” On the floor, his foot was doing a little happy dance.

Clem stared at it pointedly. “That, for one. Also, you’re...smiling.”

Spike noticed his treacherous foot for the first time. He cocked his head to one side, as if debating whether or not to reign in its enthusiasm. He decided to let it be happy. “I smile,” he finally countered almost childishly.

“Yeah, you smile,” Clem agreed, “in exactly one circumstance. What’s the Slayer done now? Said ‘thank you’ again, I’ll bet...”

Spike bit his lower lip and looked down, obviously debating what to say. He finally couldn’t hold his excitement in anymore. “You’ll never guess,” he finally announced, the smile on his face spreading as he closed his eyes to remember...

“You’re right, I won’t,” Clem agreed, “unless you—”

“She kissed me!” Spike exclaimed, his voice sounding slightly awed.

“—tell me,” Clem finished. Then blinked. “What?” He shook his floppy ears, making sure he heard right.

“Buffy kissed me,” Spike leaned back with a sigh. “See, I was all worried, what with I hadn’t meant to pressure her after she got pulled outta ‘eaven an’ all, and then that stupid spell made me sing about it, so I though she, y’know, would be mad an’ stop hangin’ around, but...” He trailed off with another happy little sigh.

“She kissed you?” Clem still couldn’t believe it. “The Slayer? You’re sure that spell wasn’t affecting her mind or something? Like that one time you told me about...”

“Red’s engagement spell,” Spike remembered fondly, “Best day ‘f my unlife...until the Witch went an’ reversed it, that is...”

“What?!” Buffy exclaimed, still watching the screen in front of her. Spike had actually enjoyed their engagement spell? She hadn’t known that. Why hadn’t she known that? He should’ve told her, after all. And just how long had he been carrying the torch for her anyway?

“—But there was no spittin’ in disgust afterwards this time,” Spike finished on screen, talking right through Buffy’s little outburst. “She just kinda smiled – y’know, in that real sweet way she’s got? – an’ said she ‘ad to go get the Nibblet home. She smiled at me... Don’ think ‘ve ever been so happy!”

“Well...congratulations,” Clem still seemed a bit confused about Spike’s account, “gotta admit, even I didn’t see that one coming. I mean, she sure didn’t seem to be harboring any hidden feelings when you brought her to poker night...”

“She hides stuff a lot,” Spike said with a soft smile,” buries it deep down inside – ‘specially when there’s other people around. But I can still see ‘er, see the real Buffy...an’ I love her so much...”

Clem rolled his eyes at the oft-heard speech. “Gee, I never would’ve guessed,” he teased.

Spike managed to give him an annoyed look for one tenth of a second before the smile took over his face again. “Sometimes, even I ‘ad my doubts,” he confessed softly. “I mean, she’s been warmin’ to me lately an’ all, but...she’s so closed off. Even I wasn’t sure until she...” Another love-struck sigh. “She was so warm. An’ soft. An’ strong. An’ ‘er mouth was so sweet, and the way she wrapped ‘er arms around my neck... It was a real kiss, Clem! No quick peck ‘f gratitude this time, no spells... A real, hands in my hair, desperate, tender, open-mouthed kiss! Oh, the way her tongue—!”

“TMI,” Clem immediately interrupted him.

Spike’s cheeks flushed a little. “Right. Sorry,” he agreed. “But, ‘s just... She was in my arms! My Slayer, my love in my arms!”

“Well,” Clem commented, “you deserve it after all you’ve been through.”

Spike let out a wry little chuckle at that. “Kinda thought she hadn’t really noticed,” he admitted sheepishly. “I mean, I know that she knows ‘d do anythin’ for the Bit. But I din’t think she got just how much carin’ for her changed me, y’know? ‘S like my whole world’s different now. Can’t go back to bein’ like I was...not now that I care ‘bout everythin’ she does. I mean, I used ta be able to kill without a thought. An’ now... I can’t even think about hurtin’ a human without feelin’ guilty ‘cause it would ‘urt her...”

“You’re a kept demon,” Clem agreed with a chuckle.

Spike made an offended little noise but then turned back to smiling again. “Think she’s back home by now?” he suddenly asked excitedly. “Think I should go see ‘er?” He leapt up.

“If you just got here, she’s probably not home,” Clem pointed out. “Plus, you don’t want to crowd her too much...”

“Right,” Spike agreed, plopping back down on the battered sofa. “Should prob’ly just wait for her to come to me...” He managed to hold that resolve for all of two seconds. “When d’you think she’ll come by?” he asked impatiently.

Clem sighed at his friend’s infamous impatience. “It might be a while,” he said carefully. “She might not be quite as...gung-ho as you are. This is all new to her, after all. And she probably doesn’t feel quite the same way you do...”

“Maybe not yet,” Spike conceded reluctantly, “but...she has to know how much tonight meant to me. She wouldn’t’ve done that if she wasn’t already most ‘f the way there, right? Not unless she was willin’ to give it a real go... So that means she’ll wanna come by soon, talk things over...”

Inwardly, Buffy cringed. At about this point, she recalled, she had been trying to forget the whole thing had ever happened. She hadn’t been thinking about him or his feelings or how he had changed when she kissed him. She’d just been thinking about herself and how she would do anything to make the pain inside go away – even for the one minute their lips had met.

“Which means you should calm down,” Clem answered Spike on the monitor, “watch some television, take your mind off of things. You don’t want to be this high-strung when she comes by, given how sensitive she is since she came back...”

“You’re right,” Spike nodded. “Absolutely right. Pop in that tape there.”

Clem chuckled slightly at the vampire’s abrupt mood swings and inserted the tape.

Spike’s smile returned a few seconds in, however, and he looked back at the door twice in five seconds.

Buffy bit her lip. She hadn’t come to him. She’d avoided him. It had taken him a full week to track her down, and even then she’d refused to discuss it with him.

The video froze as it reached the end, a picture of Spike smiling brightly on the screen. Unconsciously, her finger reached out to touch the image...

Buffy felt her eyes tear up at the hopeful expression on his face. He hadn’t smiled like that for long, not when he found out how she really felt. And it was such a beautiful smile, too. He had these cute little dimples, and Buffy had never even noticed them before...probably because she’d never really seen him happy before...

She felt an abrupt pang of loss at her sure knowledge that that smile would fade, never to return. To her horror, she found that there was a tear falling from her eye. She tried to sniff it back, but it was no good. Every time she thought about how happy and...innocent Spike appeared to be on the video, and then remembered what he’d become...

“Why?” she whispered softly, amidst open sobs now. “Why’d you love me, you idiot? Why couldn’t you see that I was just using you? Why did you have to let me break you heart?”

It was a while before she composed herself enough to turn the monitor off. She didn’t have the heart to delete the file...or to continue watching the movies for today...

There's more. Oh yes, there's more. To come, anyway. Be sure to send me feedback...