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( My
Story Hannah Butterworth
My name is Hannah Butterworth. I live
in
He wanted me to come in to
I arrived late Sunday evening to find
a tiny ward with only six beds, each bed was surrounded by the outdated
curtains that only hospitals can provide and it was deathly quiet. The best way
I can think of to describe it is that it's was like watching the television
with the sound off. My parent's left for home and I felt totally alone. I look
up to see a lady trying to get the first glimpse of the new patient. She asks
me a question and we begin chatting and instantly I feel much happier. To this
day we are still friends and keep in touch. During my stay I underwent many
tests. These included full blood tests, a MRI scan, EEG (a brain scan that
measures electrical activity in the brain) and an ECG. As before I was given an
OT and together we worked on goals and how I was going to reach them, how
negative thinking can impair your recovery, how I feel about being ill and how
to live with a chronic long-term illness. You also work with a counselor and if
needed you can see a dietician but I was lucky I have not got any intolerances
so I never saw her’ I worked a lot with my counselor because I've found
being ill extremely difficult over the years, and that is hard for me to admit,
as there is such a stigma attached to having to seek this type of professional
help. I thought it was just oversensitive weak people that went to therapy but
I was wrong! One of the things that I find difficult is the fact that I will
constantly compare my life to that of my friends. What they have achieved, but
I haven't. Places they've visited, but I can’t. Goals that they've
reached, but I can only dream of and so on. I never talk about being ill with
anybody so when I first started having counseling it was a new experience for
me. From talking to no-body I was suddenly expected to speak of nothing else
and that was painful for me. I was told that I was wasting energy suppressing my
emotions and that energy was badly needed elsewhere, I don't know if I believe
this but I am prepared to accept that this may be the case. When I was first
offered counseling I didn't want to know I refused to see her and she accepted
that with grace. I thought yes I have emotional issues, but they are mine and I
just can't and I won't talk about this. My OT spoke to me the next day in a
harsh but fair manner and I gave in. This was and is the scariest decision that
I have ever made.
My counselor was lovely and I
immediately liked her, but liking her made me feel nervous because I didn't
feel this was a safe relationship. I think that what counselor or therapist's
offer is a synthetic "friendship". At no point is what they offer you
genuine. The bottom line is no matter what happens they will only ever see you
as a client, not an equal and not a friend. I stayed with my counselor on and
off for about three years and more recently once a month for about a year. Over
this time we talked about many things and in the end she probably understood me
better than I do myself or at least would ever admit to. I saw her for the last
time at the beginning of January and even now not many days’ go past when
I don't wonder what she is doing or where she is. I have a tremendous amount of
respect for her and she is someone who I will never forget. As a person she was
immense and she has been an inspirational figure in my life. I am one year on
now from when she left and some days I still miss her but I realize that I need
to move on with my life and sail on to calmer waters. I see a Psychotherapist
once a week, we are changing my program a little and I hope to be able to push
on and start getting my life back. I still feel the stigma attached to being in
therapy and few friends outside my inner circle know that I receive this kind
of help. However if this were the difference between me getting better or not,
then I'd be an idiot not to take this opportunity and see where it gets me. I
already have enough regret in my life without looking back and thinking if only
I'd...........because ultimately this sort of thinking can and will destroy
you. I don’t as a rule like to think too much about the future and what
it holds for me. When I think of the future I feel afraid, my biggest fear is
to get better and discover that everything that I’ve dreamed of through
these difficult illness years has been exactly that, a dream. I worry that I
won’t ever achieve anything and that my family and friends will never be
proud of me. I hope everyday that the illness hasn’t robbed me of the
life I was meant to have, but somehow never got. The bottom line though is
this, I don’t know what the future holds for me, I have no magic crystal
ball, but I’ve got one shot at this life and if I give in to my negative
thinking then I’m beaten already, and the future that I see on a black
day will become my reality. So I'm going to take a deep breath, dig deep, and
I'm going to fight for my future and what I deserve, I will not rest until my
mission is over, and my goals have been reached.