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11/13/02

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The Border Crossing

 

The Funniest Compilation of Mexican Jokes Ever!

The Watermelon

 

There were three guys, an American, a Canadian, and a Mexican. They had been travelling for days and were very, hungry. They came across a farm that had hundreds of fruits. While they were eating, the farmer came out and caught them.
The farmer said, "Since I'm in a good mood today, I won't kill you... If you stuff 100 of your favorite fruit up your a** without laughing.

The American was up first. He chose cherries as his favorite fruit. He got up to 78 and burst out laghing. So the farmer shot him with a shotgun.

The Canadian was next and chose grapes. He got up to 92 but started laughing so the farmer killed him too.

When the Canadian and the American arrived up in heaven, an angel asked them why they laughed.

They both replied, "We saw the Mexican with watermelons."

 

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

Why do Mexicans re-fry their beans? Have you seen a Mexican do anything right the first time?

Why do Mexicans eat Tomales for Christmas? So they have something to unwrap

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

Why doesnt mexico have a olympic team? Because everyone that can run, jump, and swim is already across the border!

There is an American, a German, and a Mexican.
They are in all in a boat.
The boat is about to sink.
Each of them have to throw things out to make the boat lighter!
The German throws out 4 cases of beer and says:
"We have a lot of bear in Germany so we don't need these!"
The Mexican throws out 5 cases of burritos and says:
"We have a lot of burritos in Mexico so we don't need these!"
The American grabs the Mexican and throws him out.
The German asks why he threw the Mexican out.
And the American replies:
"We have a lot of Mexicans in America so we don't need him!.
 

There was a German, an American, and a Mexican.
They were walking in the woods.
Suddenly a heard of buffalo came at them.
They ran and ran until they saw a shack and went in it.
2 days later the buffalo left.
The men got out of the shack only to find layers of crap everywhere!
They were forced to jump in because there was no way out.
The German took a leap and said,
" It's not bad, it's only up to my waist. "
The American took a leap and said, " It's not bad, it's only up to my knees. " Then the Mexican took a leap and said, " It's not bad, it's only up to my ankles. " The American asked, " How did you do that. " The Mexican replied in a muffled voice, " I jumped in head first. "
 

HOW MANY COPS DOES IT TAKE TO ARREST A MEXICAN? 4, 1 TO HOLD THE MEXICAN, AND 3 TO HOLD THE ORANGES.

WHY DONT YOU THROW A ROCK AT A MEXICAN ON A BIKE? BECAUSE ITS PROBABLY YOUR BIKE.

WHAT DO YOU CALL 5 WHITE GUYS PUSHING A CAR DOWN THE ROAD? WHITE POWER. " 5 BLACK GUYS PUSHING A CAR DOWN THE ROAD? BLACK POWER. " 5 MEXICANS-GRAND THEFT AUTO. WHY IS THE AVERAGE AGE OF THE MEXICAN ARMY 40? BECAUSE THEY TAKE 'EM RIGHT OUT OF HIGHSCHOOL

WHY DO MEXICAN CARS HAVE SUCH SMALL STEERING WHEELS? SO THEY CAN DRIVE WITH HANDCUFFS ON

WHAT DO YOU CALL A TACO WITH A FOODSTAMP INSIDE IT? A MEXICAN FORTUNE COOKIE.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A MEXICAN WITHOUT A LAWNMOWER? UNEMPLOYED.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BUILDING FULL OF MEXICANS? JAIL.

Why do Mexicans Drive Lowriders? So they can cruise and pick lettuce at the same time.

Why do Mexicans put hydralics on their low-riders?
So they can pick apples the next season!
 

Why do mexicans stink?
So blind people can hate them too!

Whats the difference between a mexican and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline!

What's the most confusing day in Mexico?
Fathers Day!

Why do border patrol refer to illeagals as 'tonks'?
Because that's the sound it makes when you hit 'em on the head with a baton!
 

Why do mexicans wear sombreros?
So they have somewhere to put their tacos while they're stealing your hubcaps!

How do you get a hundred Mexicans into a phone booth?
Throw in a food stamp!

How do ya get 'em out?
Throw in a bar of soap!

How do you kill half the population of Mexico?
Put a trip wire on the border!


One-Liners

Q: Did you hear about the 2 Mexicans on 'That's Incredible'?
A: One had car insurance and the other was an only child!

Q: Have you heard about the new African-Mexican restaurant?
A: It's called "Nacho-Mamma."

Q. What do you get when you cross a Mexican and an Octopus?
A. Got me, but it can sure pick lettuce.

Q: If a bunch of white guys running down a hill is an avalanche, and a bunch of black guys running down a hill is a mudslide, what do you call a bunch of Mexicans running down a hill?
A: Jailbreak!

Q: Did you hear about the Mexico earthquake?
A: It did over $100 million worth of improvements!
 
Q: How can you tell Mexicans moved in the neighborhood?
A: The blacks get car insurance.

Q: How does a Mexican know when he's hungry?
A: When his asshole stops burning!

Q: Why did only 200 Mexicans show up to fight at the battle of the Alamo?
A: They only had five cars!

Q: What do a Mexican and a cue ball have in common?
A: The harder you hit them, the better their English!

Q: What's the slowest thing in the world?
A: A Mexican funeral procession with only one set of jumper cables!

Q: Who's the best man at a Mexican wedding?
A: The guy with the jumper cables!

Q: How did the Mexican woman loose 20 pounds in one day?
A: She washed off her makeup.
 

Q: Why did the Mexicans fight so hard to take the Alamo?
A: They wanted four clean walls to spray paint graffiti on.

Q: What do you call two gay Mexicans playing basketball by themselves?
A: Juan on Juan!

Q: Why do seagulls fly upside down in Mexico?
A: There isn't anything worth crapping on!

: Did you hear they came out with a new Selena doll?
A: Ken and Barbie needed a maid!

Q: What were Davie Crockett's last words as he stood at the gates of the Alamo?
A: Holy Crap!  Where in the world did all of these landscapers come from?

Q: How did the Mexican midget commit suicide?
A: He hung himself from the rear view mirror!

Q: What's the difference between Scotch tape and Mexican tape?
A: Mexican tape doesn't have a sticky side.

Lie Detector Test

An Englishman, an American and a Mexican are called upon to take a lie detector test.

The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of wine".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.

"Ok", he says, "10 bottles".  And the machine is silent.

The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".
BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.

"Allright, 8 hamburgers".  And the machine's silent.

The Mexican says: "I think...",
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ goes the machine.
 

The IQ Test

Igor, a Russian, Helmut, a German, and Juan, a Mexican were walking down the street one day.  As they approached a busy intersections, they noticed a machine set up near the busy intersection.  On the side of the machine, read the following instructions:

1. INSERT QUARTER.
2. ANSWER FIVE QUESTIONS.
3. RECEIVE PRINTOUT SHOWING I.Q.

Igor was the first man to approach the machine.  He inserted his quarter and answered his five questions.  He then received the following printout:
"YOUR I.Q. IS 121.  HAVE A NICE DAY."

Next, Helmut approached the machine.  He inserted his quarter, answered his five questions, and received the this printout: 
"YOUR I.Q. IS 117.  HAVE A NICE DAY.'

Finally, it was Juan's turn at the machine.  He inserted his quarter, answered his questions, then waited for his printout. At last, the machine produced the following message:
"HOLA CABRON, TU I.Q. ERES 61.  BUENOS DIAS!"

Burying Mexicans With  a Bulldozer

The sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy was climbing down from the controls of a
bulldozer. "Say, Bubba, what's going on?" he asked.

"A whole bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the cliff. I just got through burying 'em," explained
the deputy.

"Good work, Bubba," said the sheriff. "Pretty gory work. Were all of them dead?"

Bubba nodded gravely. "Some of 'em said they weren't, but you know how those Mexicans lie."

A Mexican Submarine Inspector in a Bar

A guy goes into a Texas bar all dejected, and orders a drink. The barkeep says, "Here, you look down. It's on the house if you'll tell me your story."

"Okay," the guy says in a heavy Mexican accent. "Ess like theese: I jused to be an inspector for the Mexican Navy."

"Really!" the barkeep says, surprised. "I didn't know Mexico had a Navy."

"Oh, chure," the inspector says.

"So, what did you inspect?"

"Submarines."

"What did you have to do?"

"Well," the inspector says, taking a big drink. "I get into the submarine with all the other guys in the Navy and I say, 'Take it down to 100 feet!'"

"And what happens?"

"Then I go around and check for leaks. Then I say, 'Take it down to 200 feet!'"

"And then what happens?"

"Then I go around and check for leaks again. And if everything goes well, I say, 'Take it down to a thousand feet!'"

"And then what happens?"

The Mexican inspector shakes his head sadly. "Then those adobe walls just fall apart!"

Do You Know the Criminal Pablo Sanchez?

Mexican Police Officer: "So, do you know the criminal Pablo Sanchez?"

Juan (Just Taken Prisoner): "Know him? Yesterday, I am riding my horse, and the horse he stop to make droppings in the road. Pablo Sanchez step out from bushes, holding very big pistola, and tells me to get down. Then he points to the droppings and says, 'you must eat all of that'. And what can I do? He has the very big gun, so I start to eat. Pablo is laughing. He laughs so hard that he drops the big gun. I quick grab it, and say, 'Now, Pablo, you must eat!'

"And what can Pablo do? I now have the very big gun. So Pablo eat all the rest of that pile.

"So, you ask do I know Pablo Sanchez? Why, just yesterday Pablo and I have lunch together."



 


 


 

 

 

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This site was last updated 11/12/02