GILL GATES MEETS THE TERMINATOR



 

(Gates is sitting at a table counting his money) 

GATES:  (Sing-song) Money, money, how I love my money. Money, money, how I love my money.

SECRETARY:  (A voice heard overhead) Mr. Gates there is a call for you on line 2.

GATES:  How many times do I have to tell you not to disturb me when I am in therapy.

SECRETARY:  I’m sorry, sir, but it’s the President of the United States.

GATES:  Oh, him again. All right I’ll take it. (Picks up phone) Hello, Mr, President, what can I do
for you today? (Listens) Let me get this straight. You’re asking me to help the country out of this
Y2K mess. Well sure I could do it, but it would cost billions of dollars, and frankly, Mr. President,
I am more than just a little bit miffed with your government people harrassing me. It’s not my
responsibility to save the country from every little crisis that comes along -- that’s your job. Good
day, Mr. President! (Hangs up phone. Speaking to himself) Fix the Y2K problem. What does he
think I’m made out of money? (Holds up bills, gleefully) I guess I am.

(Electric arcing sound of TERMINATOR being transported in.)

TERMINATOR:  (Heard offstage, sounds like Arnold) I need you pants, shirt, leather jacket,
sunglasses and platform shoes.

MAN'S VOICE:  (Heard off-stage) No way, dude! Ahhhhh! (Sound of objects crashing) 

TERMINATOR:  Don’t worry. I will return them. Here is my voucher . . . I’ll be back.

(TERMINATOR music starts. TERMINATOR enters. Crosses over to GATES.)

TERMINATOR:  Mr. Gill Gates.

GATES:  Hey, how did you get in here! Where’s my security guards?

TERMINATOR:  They are indisposed.

GATES:  Who are you? 

TERMINATOR:  I am a Terminator.

GATES:  A what?

TERMINATOR:  An advanced series two cyborg, made of hybrid carbon metal alloy -- possessing
super human strength -- and a great haircut. (Smooths hair back)

GATES:  Well you don’t belong here.

TERMINATOR:  Affirmative! I am from the next century. I have been sent back in time to make
sure that you fix the Y2K bug before it mutates into the Y3K. 

GATES:  Y3K? Get outa town!

TERMINATOR: (Slowly turns head from side to side) I just got here.

GATES:  I didn’t create the Y2K bug. Why does everyone always ride my back whenever they
have a computer problem?

TERMINATOR:  (Out to audience) It took one hundred and seventy five years of revisions to
create a stable 2000 operating system. Go figure.

GATES:  You telling me, that if I don’t fix Y2K today, there will be a Y3K bug that will somehow
effect the next century?

TERMINATOR:  Affirmative. The Y3K bug will reek unimaginable havoc. No one will be able to
fly their cars. Rap music will make a comeback. And all guaranteed 2 minute pizza deliveries will
be late. 

GATES:  Listen, I am a business man, not NATO. You can’t make me fix things that I don’t want
to fix. You’re probably not even from the future. 

TERMINATOR:  I am.

GATES:  Did Janet Reno send you?

TERMINATOR:  Negative.

GATES:  Well, I’ve got dozens of lawyers that will terminate you if you don’t leave me alone. 

(GATES exits running)

TERMINATOR:  Come back! You can run but you cannot hide! (To audience) Don’t worry. When
I catch up to him, it will be Astala-vista, Gill Gates.

(TERMINATOR music starts. TERMINATOR exits following Gates.)