SAM: As an American eagle, I feel it is my duty to apologize to you, Tina, Justine, and Michael, for having to appear in this weird magazine. It is a complete waste of trees-those sturdy plants that give us paper.
JUSTINE: Don't worry about it, Sam. We're glad to be here.
SAM: Now then...I must add that I am especially proud to here with Michael. Michael, your character, Alex on Family Ties represents the decency and honor that Americans deserve to see on television.
MIKE: Well thank you, Sam.
SAM: You know, Michael, there are not many people in this universe that I care to talk to. But you, perhaps, are one of the exceptions...
TINA: Excuse me, Sam, but would you mind if I ask Miss Piggy something?
SAM: Well...all right...you have thirty seconds.
TINA: Miss Piggy, I hope you won't mind me saying this, but I've always wanted to be like you. I think you're so pretty. How long does it take you to put on your makeup?
PIGGY: Makeup? What makeup?
TINA: Uh...uh...What I meant was, you always look so beautiful.
SAM: TIME IS UP!! Ahem! Now then, Michael, I think it's admirable that you understand there are just not enough ballets in the world...not enough respect given to fine professionals...like surgeons-Dr. Seuss, for example.
JUSTINE: Um...Sam, just to set the record straight, Dr. Seuss is a well-known author.
MIKE: But anyhow, Sam, I know what you're saying. I think the lack of culture stems from the fact that not enough people are wearing ties. If more people wore ties, it would cut off some of the loose blood that's circulating around their bodies and send it straight to their brains. I think this would cause them to interact in a more positive, intellectual way.
TINA: Come on, Michael. Stop putting us on. Sam, I hope you don't believe any of this.
SAM: What do you mean? I think it is wonderful that Michael speaks this way! And the problem doesn't end with ties. I think it is a disgrace that people do not wear tuxedos three to five times a week.
MIKE: Absolutely! In fact, I think it's appropriate to wear tuxedos everywhere-when you go to sleep, in the shower...
JUSTINE: Give us a break, Michael.
PIGGY: Let us not miss the point here. Moi feels no matter where you are, comfort is not important. Gorgeous is important.
TINA: But Miss Piggy! It's really hard to look gorgeous all the time. I mean, I like to wear jeans when I go camping. You know, this past summer I camped at Yellowstone National Park, and I saw lots of moose!
PIGGY: Hmmm...moi did not know they served moose at those campgrounds. Moi hopes it was chocolate mousse.
SAM: Stop this ridiculous discussion! Now where were we? Oh yes! Culture! Tell me Michael, what is your idea of spending a cultural afternoon?
JANICE: Oh wow! My favorite playwright!
MIKE: Beetoven-the composer. And some apple juice...and an educational TV station playing in the background.
SAM: Excellent idea!
MIKE: In fact, I think people should take all the dials off their TV's, except for the educational station.
TINA: Sam, I hope you don't believe all this. Michael isn't usually like this...And can I please tell Miss Piggy one more thing?
SAM: All right...but make it fast.
TINA: Miss Piggy, I'm really into birthdays. I get really upset when someone forgets mine. Anyway, I'm going to be twelve on May 5th-so will you send me a card?
PIGGY: Moi would be happy to! But Tina, may I also suggest that you celebrate you half birthday and quarter birthdays? It would also be so thoughtful of vous to allow your friends to buy you presents four times a year, rather than merely one.
SAM: Birthdays are rubbish. I do not even celebrate a birthday.
PIGGY: If I was your age, I wouldn't celebrate either.
MIKE: Not to change the subject, Sam, but could you take another look at the map I gave you? I'm not sure this is the right way to the Police concert.
SAM: Of course it's the right way! Don't you see those flashing lights up ahead? Now back to our discussion...
JUSTINE: Sam, would you mind turning up the radio? That's Moon Zappa! She's one of my best friends!
SAM: I will not turn up the rado, and I will not tolerate any more interruptions! This is rude! Now, Michael, where did you study acting?
MIKE: I studied acting on the job, Sam. That's the standard I live by. I try to get a part in a show or film, I have professionals around me, and I learn from them. I'm not knocking school-think a good educaton is important for everybody.
JUSTINE: I agree. In fact, even though I love acting, I also want to be a magazine editor. So journalism is something I plan to study in the future.
SAM: Very impressive. And Michael, I didn't catch the name of your university...
MIKE: Well...professionally...I didn't...see, actually...
MIKE: Sam...I have a confession to make. This conversation has been kind of a put-on. Actually, I'm not like Alex from Family Ties all the time. I'm just plain old Mike Fox. I listen to rock and roll, I wear blue jeans, love neat cars, and I'm a moose freak. I collet stuffed mooses, moose posters, moose hats...
SAM: I'm shocked!!
MIKE: I know! I didn't want to break it to you this way, Sam. Really! But actually, I didn't go to college to become an actor. As I said, I learned from professionals. I don't wear tuxedos in the shower...I dont' watch educational TV-I watch The Muppet Show, Sam.
SAM: You watch that show? What is the meaning of this?
MIKE: Sam, I was hoping if I played along with you for awile, I could get the point across that you should look at everything from all sides. And I wanted to show you that everyone has the potential to be anyone they want to be. Also-I may not always agree with what Alex says, but I always agree with his right to say it. The same goes for you, Sam. Whatever you say, you have the right to say it.
SAM: Thank you very much.
MIKE: Think nothing of it. You know, Sam, I think you should keep something in mind. There's a lot of magic in the world, and nobody ever takes the time to notice it or have fun with it. I mean, flying in a plane is magic. Or making a long distance phone call is magic....
TINA: It sure is! I spend hours on the phone-from two in the morning until ten at night.
PIGGY: Moi too! And I usually find it most considerate to call my friends collect. That way, les friends know who is calling before they speak. And once they discover it is moi who is on the phone, they are happy to pay for the call.
JUSTINE And you know what else is magic? I think when you travel all over the world, you realize that people are doing absolutely the same things at the same time. Like, I wonder how many people are brushing their hair right now, or how many people have just opened a door.
TINA: I think it would be magical to go to Australia. It's so elegant there!
JANICE: Like speaking of traveling...SAM! Why are we pullin into a police station? Are we in trouble, or what?
SAM: We are driving into a police station for the long-awaited police concert. Just look at all those fine men and women in uniform and badges-protecting us from evil and disgrace! But where are the marching bands?
EVERYONE: Uniforms? Badges? Marching bands?
JANICE: Hey, like Sam, don't gag or anything, but like when we said Police concert, we weren't talking about the guys who dig the law. The Police are a really groovy rock group. And they're giving a concert tonight.
SAM: I'M SHOCKED! Turn this car around this instant! Take me back to the airport!
EVERYONE: BUT SAM! WE'LL MISS THE CONCERT!
SAM: Make a right at that street sign! Then left! Now right again! Make a turn after that American flag! Now left...
As you might have guessed...no one ended up seeing a police concert of any sort. Sam demanded that he get to the airport to make the last flight back to New York. Seventeen U-turns and forty dead ends later, the crew finally got to the airport. But by the time they got to the airline gate, Sam had missed his plane!-Frog-in-Chief