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HELPING YOUR CHILDREN COPE WITH YOUR SEPARATION AND DIVORCE

Prepared for client use only by:
Tobi L. Schneider, 49 Silver Street, Waterville, ME 04901

SOME SUGGESTED "DO'S" AND "DON'TS"

"DO'S"

DO remember that the children need to love BOTH parents
DO encourage and clearly answer questions about the divorce
DO be patient with the children
DO tell the truth about the divorce so far as you are able
DO offer comfort, warmth, and support
DO reassure the children that the divorce is an adult problem (they did NOT cause the divorce)
DO reassure the children that you will always be their parents
DO take care of yourself and your own well-being
DO preserve the normal household routines and keep changes to a minimum
DO try to build similar rules and routines in both homes
DO use the family, support groups and professionals for help
DO learn about the normal responses of children to divorce
DO set up a place for children's belongings during the visiting
DO MAKE SIGNIFICANT ADULTS IN CHILDREN'S LIVES AWARE OF THE DIVORCE (teachers, counselors, doctors, baby-sitters, etc.)

"DON'T S"

DON'T send messages to your former spouse through the children
DON'T ask children to keep secrets from your former spouse
DON'T use the children as pawns in power struggles with your former spouse
DON'T belittle and criticize your former spouse in front of the children
DON'T tell the children what to think or feel
DON'T ask the children to take sides or pump them for information about your former spouse
DON'T use the children as confidants or substitutes for your former spouse and friends
DON'T compare your feelings to those that your children have
DON'T block your children's wish to talk and ask questions about the divorce and the changes it brings
DON'T put the children in the middle of any conflicts with your former spouse

USEFUL BOOKS TO READ: Books are a way to provide support for children who need contact, reassurance, warmth and support from those they love. The books below can help. They can be found at your local library or bookstore.

FOR PARENTS:

The Parents Book About Divorce,
Richard A. Gardener, MD.., Bantam, N.Y. 1991

Survival Skills for Single Parents!
Paul J. Ciborowski, Statmar Edu, Systems, Port Chester, N.Y. 1988

Growing Up Divorced
Linda Francke, Simon & Schuster, N.Y., 1983

Explaining Divorce to Children
Earl Grollman, Beacon Press, Boston, 1969

Crazytime
Abigail Tratford

Mom's House Dad's House
Isolina Ricci, Phd, Macmillan Publishing Co., 1980

Divorce Hangover
Anne Walter, M.S., Pocket Books, 1991

The Dollars and Sense of Divorce
The Financial Guide for Women, Judith Briles, Mastermedia 1988

FOR CHILDREN OF ALL AGES:

The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce,
Richard A. Gardener, M.D., Bantam, N.Y. 1970

FOR CHILDREN AGES 3-6:

Dinosaurs Divorce,
Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown, 1985

Daddy Doesn't Live Here Anymore,
Betty Boegehold, Western Publishing, Wisconsin, 1985

The Divorce Workbook,
Sally Ives and Others, Waterfront Books, Vermont, 1985

A New Room for William
Sally Grindley

Two Homes
Claire Masurell

Divorce is a Grown-up Problem,
Janet Sinberg, Avon, N.Y. 1978

FOR CHILDREN AGES 7-11:

A Month of Sundays,
Rose Blue, Watts, N.Y. 1972

It's Not the End of the World,
Judy Blume, Bradbury Press, N.Y. 1972

How Does it Feel When Your Parents Get Divorced?
Terry Berger, Messner, N.Y. 1976

Help! A Girl's Gude to Divorce and Stepfamilies
American Girl Library 1999

My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They're Getting Divorced
Lois V. Nightinggale

FOR PRE-TEENS AND TEENS:

Coping When Your Family Falls Apart,
Diana Booher, Messner, N.Y. 1979

What's Going to Happen to Me?
Eda LeShan, Four Winds Press, N.Y. 1978

How to Get it Together When Your Parents Are Coming Apart,
Arlene Richards, Bantam, N.Y. 1976

How to Survive Your Parents Divorce: Kid's Advice to Kids
Gayle Kimball

LAW OFFICE OF TOBI LEANNA SCHNEIDER
49 Silver Street, Waterville, Maine 04901
Telephone: (207) 873-7755
Fax: (207) 877-9776
schneid@roadrunner.com