Computer Psychology 101
Now, it has been brought to my attention that many people believe that their computers are possesed by the devil, in cooperation with the devil, the devil incarnate, have sold their souls to the devil, have sold their owners' souls to the devil, frequently dine with the devil, etc. Now I am here to tell you that this is not true at all! As a matter of fact, it isn't the devil's fault whatsoever. Nor is it that of the computer. It's YOUR fault! Yes, I said it! YOU are the worthless no-good culprit who has caused you such technological anxiety. But never fear, because just for troubled people like yourself I have set out a simple course in computer psychology that should settle your hash (which is a random phrase from the play whose meaning is nebulous but whose visual imagery is excellent, especially if you take hash to mean hashbrowns.)
This course is organized under four fool-proof steps to get your computer and yourself more in tune with each other's problems, tensions, and emotions. Simply follow these steps, in order, if you are having trouble:
1) BE KIND TO YOUR COMPUTER. Talk to it. Calm it. Encourage it. Stroke it if you must. The key concept here is love and patience. Your computer is probably feeling very flustered right now, maybe a little persecuted, and it does not need harrassment, or, even worse, the silent treatment! You look at the computer screen in a bemusedly puzzled fashion that you would be looking at me at if I was there, but I ask you: "Do you talk to your computer?!?" NO? Then you are giving it the silent treatement! Learn to recognize your inconsiderancies.
2. TALK ABOUT ITS PROBLEMS. Ah. Here we get into the root of not only computer psychology but psychology as a whole. People like to talk about their problems. In the psychological world this is known as venting; elsewhere it is called whining. So just as you, if you're having a bad day, just want to tell somebody about it, so does your computer. But alas, most computers are dreadfully shy and feel nervous breaking the building wall of silence between the two of you with their complaints. They may try to draw your attention to them without putting themselves too much on the line by refusing to do what you ask. All they want is a listening ear. Give it to them. But whatever you do, DO NOT ask a computer about its mother. You will be there all night.
3. YELL AT IT. Now, I know that I said in step one NOT to yell at it. But if you have gotten this far in the steps and nothing has worked, then perhaps your computer has a different problem. Sometimes they are stubborn, or need a little encouragement. Most often I find my computer responds to bitterly, poisonously dripping-all-over-the-place-into-a-puddle-on-the-floor sarcasm. Try a few things to see what works best for your own "friend." All computers are different. They do not like to be defined, categorized, stereotyped. Take a little while to get to know the subtleties of your own computer's personality. If all of these steps fail, then:
4. NAME YOUR COMPUTER. Although this seems a very frivolous excercise, let me cite two case studies. The first is a good friend of mine whom we shall call "Luba" because that is obviously not a real name. She had an incredibly obstinant computer. After trying all of these steps (and many more obviously incorrect ones, for she did not have the benefit of such a comprehensive course as you have the privelege of having) she named her computer "Zephaniah." She gives it bows, Christmas presents, and most importantly she made a scrolling marquis screensaver in friendly blues and yellows saying "Hi! My name is Zephaniah!" And it worked!
So you see, even the worst of computer problems can be fixed by the spplication of simple technopsychological knowledge. And if these few steps haven't done the trick, apply now for next semester in: Compsych 151!
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Case Study #2 is that of the afore-mentioned Duncan whose computer troubles sparked the idea for this course. He went through all of these steps (with my coaching) and eventually named his computer Bartleby. Instantly, it began to print the page he had been trying to print for the last twenty minutes!