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A Limerick Fairytale
Shayne's collection of Birds, like Jeff Hardy
Squirrels -the best animal alive
For all those people who still suck their thumb like me!
Enter the wired world of Keith Mo + Co.
See the Standards of Mark Keane's I.Q.
A Welsh person stole my carrot!
Sally Webster- My best Friend!
Kevin Bogland's World.
What ever ur fave postion is, mine is 52
My page of quotes.
Braz's page of stuff, unsane and sakteboarding.
U.K. Cam Girl.
Eco Warrior Gavin
Leitrim Society of Boston.
The Offical Murial O'Connor Page
Seamus And Sheila McSpud
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Leitrim!- Does it really exsist? Well, you must ask yourself, have you ever been there? Do you know anyone who has? Do you know anyone who is from Leitrim? Aparently Leitrim has declared war on Offaly. The reason for nothing happening about it, is what or who exactly is Leitrim? The best thing about Leitrim is the road out of it. The only way into Leitrim is a teleport from a Limerick office (exact location unknown).
After years of research about the alleged county, I came a cross a man, who goes by the name Shayne Murphy, who claims to work in the Limerick office. According to him, if himself and a woman refered by Shayne, as Louise O'Nolan, walk back to the front door of the office, run holding hands, and then jump into Robert Robret's coffee box you end up in Leitrim. He however, could not prove this to be true, as the present location of Louise O'Nolan is unknown. Shayne believes she is lost somewhere bewteen Limerick and Leitrim. He told me that she could have tried to go to Leitrim by herself and may have been rejected by the Roberts Robert's coffee box. No missing persons claim has been reported.
In the 2000, Drift Awards, Offaly won the award for Best County and out of pure jealousy, "leitrim" decides to declare war on Offaly. Leitrim's army led by Elma Alder, attacked local Offaly politian Lak Jysaght. Miss Alder gave no comment about the attack. Mr. Jysaght is making a steady recovery and has found a lot of free time on his hands, so has began to write some poesie. When I asked Miss Alder about Leitrim's exsistance, she replied "Of course it exsists, I am the F***ing Prime Minister". I would like to add that Miss Alder is known to suffer from severe Umbolosis. Offaly attacked back when Anne-Marie McSweeney-O'Rourke, Offaly's Minister for Names, called Miss Alder,"A fat low life who claims to be the Prime Minister for a County that doesn't even exsist, thirty-two Counties....my ass!!". It is believed that Elma Alder is plotting for her next attack.
I finaly got another chance to talk to Elma Alder. This time I asked her about Leitrim and the people that lived there. She told me, " Leitrim may have a low population but it has a bombing econmey and an excellent army. Leitrim is a place where people can find refugue or their inner selves." I asked her to describe some people living there. She repiled, "Donna Ford, used to work in a record shop somewhere in the mid-west, she had a nerveous break down after selling one too many Donna Sommer CDs. She has found piece of mind here. A Lola Ferrai look-alike, named Una Hussey, came to live here because she was harasseed everyday on the street by people who mistook her for Lola Ferrai. She know spends her time knitting jumpers for a person she calls Welsh Guy. Millionaire Zi Jones, moved here, to hide from the press, who pursued him looking for information about his realtionship with Kristie Tagg."
Do these people sound real to you? Who buys Donna Sommer CDs and who could have bigger breasts than Lola Ferrai? Zi Jones, does however exsist. He made £3 Million from claiming with the help from The National Accident Helpline about sexual assaults made by Della Spencer.
I have spoken to a few more people about Leitrim. Vogue's fashion editor, Widean Aallace, is a firm believer in Leitrim. She told me that in Leitrim, they have graet taste in fashion. It mainly consists of Adidas Jumpers and hoodies, baggy pants and brightly coloured bags. I asked her if she had ever been to Leitrim, she responed, "Dancefloors, Adidas is all the rage on Leitrim, dance floors. everything is all about dancefloors now..........no further comments."
I also spoke to teenage heart-throb Donan Reavey about Leitrim's exsistance, he replied, "isn't like Leitrim, like communist or like something?" I didn;t ask him anymore questions.
Sarah Purcell, who works in Offaly's GPO and is the president of the Offaly's Letter Writing Club. She told me that Elma Alder joined but was later Kicked out for stealing pens and failing a test.Why would Miss Alder join a Offaly orginastion.The only reason I can think of is because Leitrim doesn't exsist.
Millionaire Zi Jones, tried to sue the local Leitrim, auctioner, Eryck Pollock, because Leitrim doesn't exsist and he bought a house there through the Internet. He withdrew his claim and now Jones and Pollock are lovers.
I researched into Lola Ferrai, Una Hussey's Welsh Guy. He turned out to be Marcus Milburn. He spontanously combusted some time in the late 90's, while Una was in the process of knitting him a jumper. He was know for stealing carrots from people.
Civial war broke out in Offaly when Elma Alder stole all the milk trucks, leaving the Citizens of Offaly with black tea. The war lasted a half hour. Two people were seriously injured. No charges were made against Miss Alder.
Elma Alder has been killed tragicly by a herd of Cow-pigs. The cow-pig is a rare breed of animal, that aparently exsists in Leitrim. A man by the name Davin Guffey claims to have a photos of one. According to Guffey, Alder wanted to use the photograph to make the first postcard of Leitrim. According to postcard collector Brainne Goohannon and Sarah Purcell (Now, Offaly GPO's Employee of the month) that a postcard from Leitrim would be priceless. An intersting investment because in my researchs no one has ever come across one.
After Alder's death, Adolf Keane has taken power now in Leitrim. Details of Alders death have not yet been realesed. Keane is at present organising and I quote "A better and stronger Army that will not only take over Offaly but has full intentions of invading Westmeath also. As shocked I was to hear that Elder had passed on , I know she would want me to carry on in her place. We were close friends and once lovers. This isn't the end Leitrim, don't underestimate me, I can make web pages you know."
Rock Musician La-La also known as Keith Lawlor, claims to have been born and breed in Leitrim. He moved to Kilkenny at the age of five.He told me his memories of Leitrim are vivid and happy. He told me more about his career as a drummer rather than Leitrim.Other sources have told me that he is very talented. He started off playing for a band called 'Carmel's Country Sound', but he left after ten years and two venues. He now displays his dexterity for the alternative rock band Postion 69, his band prove to be promising unlike his claims about Leitrim. He claims to have a spiderbaby. "It's got the head of a spider and a body of a spider but the mind of a baby", he said. He also asked me to say hello to his Mammy, Daddy and everyone who knows him. "Hello"
I recieved an anonymous call from a person who calls himself and his friends, 'The Leitrim-Field Metlers'. They were disgusted by my lack of belief about Leitrim. They verbaly abused me for hours. They support Adolf Keane. I traced the call to a Donegal phonebox.
Update 18/09/00 " Adolf Keane Steps down"
Adolf Keane has retired early and has left no explantion why. He appears to be to embarssed by his former employment and now agrees that leitrim does not exsist.
Sometime in the late sixities a boy named Reven Stoache was sucked into a school journal through a magical teleport. The boy arrived back to Dublin, where the incident happened, in the eighties claiming to have been in leitrim. That is a black hole, according to Reven. The journal, who belonged to Mizary Lurphy, vanished according to her. She told me that she does not believe in Leitrim and so does boohannon and Gav's parents. I asked her to elaborate on this point and she said, "Well it was me....Boohannon and Gav's parents, who were there when Reven got sucked in. We all know that Reven just wanted to be famous so he kept a low profile and just made the whole thing aboot Leitrim up."
UPDATE:20/09/00 A note from Louise O'Nolan
No date has been found on this manuscript so I will unfortuanalty be able to tell you her present whereaboots.
"Update:Leitrom is now uder the control of the O'Nolan clan who will strive to protect this portal so people like Joe Dolan can't escape from Mullingar ever again.Passports will be issued to successful applicants.
Over the coming months details of other portal destinations will be announced, however no more passports will be issued after November 15th. Anybody who wishes to question our authority can consider the previous rulers of Leitrim and if that fails to inspire confidence then we'll probably have to kill you or something.
In other news a young boy named Paddy Tusk eyes litrally popped out of his head when his best friend, Reven Stoache was diminished, sucked into the journal and Mr. Tusk believes he is Leitrim.
COMING SOON, FINAL UPDATE.(MY JOURNEY TO LEITRIM)
MY TRIP TO LEITRIM.23/09/00
We got to some place, but whether it was really Leitrim or not will never be discovered. I was acompnied by three other people, Hilary O'Nolan, O'Nolan #2 ( acting in for Louise's postion as prime minister). Hilary was hoping to find her missing sibling.
A young man addicted to viagra named Hamlet. He came with us to find a rare cure for his addiction. This cure is legendary the male gamete from a plant ,that grows exclusvly in Leitrim, spirogyra.
Our driver Eric kelleher delayed our trip, because he wanted to be in Limerick for the 'PROUD TO BE A GEEK FESTIVAL 2000'. Since Leitrim isn't exactly New york it isn't on any maps. I chose Eric because he has a graet sense of direction and not because he has a cool car!!!! Eric plays for a band called Postion 52, claerly a cheap rip off of La-La's Postion 69.
We set off, in the Sligo direction. It was difficult to find our way since te west of Ireland has no land marks. We came to a fork in the road. We all began to argue which way to go. sudenly the car was sucked into a supernatural force, we were sourned in colours for what seemed like hours. We found ourselves in a very strange land. There was a rare breed of orange teletubbies roaming the free land. We saw herds of cow-pigs grazing on unusal plants. Hilary said out louid "Ohmigod, could this be Leitrim?", Hamlet replied "To be Leitrim or not to be Leitrim that is the question". We alll choursed " shut up Hamlet !!!" We all aggreed that to actually prove that this place was Leitrim we must find the grave of Elma Alder or at least Louise O'Nolan. We walked around for hours. We reached what was sign posted as 'Leitrim City'. There was one shop. It had everything in it, a internet cafe, resturant, supermarket, post office, clothes store, record shop, javas, pub, video store, B&B, convienate store, sunbeds and a laundrette. (No it wasn't Chart Busters), except everything in there was in German. Out the back was a chapel. There were no human speices as far as we could see. The only thing that came close were the Orange Teletubbies. We saw a statue of Adolf Keane and at that the look of his face we decided to go home. Hilary hasn't given up yet, she will return.
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION AND UPCOMONG ELENTION FOR LEITRIM. UPDATE : 30TH SEPTEMBER 2000.
Leitrim's main indutry is a sweeping brush factory run by Bucket and Bucket LTD. They are sisters of apparent orgin of Leitrim who became entepeurneurs and set up industry in Leitrim. They change the syle of factory every few weeks. This dynamic enterprise supplis the west Of Ireland with a unique handle on the brush. It is somethind the Bucket sisters have done personnaly to improve the handle.
HOLLYWOOD BEWARE.......HERE IS LEITRIMWOOD.....
Leitrim has realesed it's very first movie, "Blowing Ronan". If you like "Chasing Amy" this is definetly up your street. Donan Reeevy plays a "SMALL" part. The movie has broght about a lot of contraversy between Waiden Allace and the world. The director of the movie appeared on the Hughie Lake Show.
Will they O'Nolan's lose power to the half brother of Adolf Keane, Stalin J. Keane????
It's getting ugly in Leitrim with all the canvasing and campegining going . The queen of Leitrim Ruth Cuecumber, close kin of the O'Nolan Clan begs "God save the Queen".
The O'Nolan's have howvere strange bumper stickers made by the artist and President of Brazil, Eoin Brazil, also known as Braz. The slogan 'I have feet vote O'Nolan' has been a great sucess unlike the competing party Stalin J. Keane's slogan "communism was so five minutes ago, be ruled by Keane'
The lola Ferrai look a like Una Hussey was apparently seen all over Mayo wearing the bumper stickers for both parties saying "just stick a government waring on me".
Both competing parties appeared on the Hugh Winfrey show, where a small fight broke out bewteen Stalin and Hilary. They were told to keep that for the Hugh Springer show.Two members of the audince asked questions one was a carah sollopy who bravely asked "How are you?" the other was a anonymous person who said" Leirim's phonelines go down more often than I do, what are ye going to do aboot it???????" Keane replied, " This dynamtic couny is about to change. Change for the better of myself and maybe Leitrim".
Downtown Cratloe,Co. Leitrim, by the derelict butchers and active beauty store came a shower a hooligans with a wheelbarrow and a tall hoochie papa, a business lady and a badly dressed squirrel. Their carry on has given Leitrim a bad name.
So, Hilary O'Nolan has proposed to get Leitrim a bombing econmey, (The Celtic Kitten) by introducing a horse poster museum, which will draw tourists in from every corner of the world. The O'Nolan are also proposing to buy mobile phones for everyone who holds a Leitrim citezenship card, like Thomas j. and John Henry Eyeliner.
A new leitrim talent:
A band with apparent Leitrim orgin has reached number one with their current single, 'Material Squirrel'. The band LaLiz, is said to be from Co.leitrim, they are Eamon the badger, Mizary Lurphy and al-al. Their smashing single has been number one Newfoundland, Canada for aboot six weeks now. We wish LaLiz the best of luck.
Nervous O'Nolans wait for the upcoming election, which the Minister for Slow Motion, S.C. delayed, while Staalin J. Keane appears to be very relaxed and has dyed his hair blue. There are talks of him joining the Priest Force.
Seven Romain Refugees have moved into Leitrim. Three females with babas and one male, their husband, who shines shoes, have been spotted in Leitrim's finest Nite Club 'Antz'. They are professional beggers. One of the women Eyelish, has been described as an alcaholic and unfit mother. Her baba was stolen and left behind. One the masculine females retrived by the end of the night, who lifts her skirt for money.
Louise O'Nolan is Found . Update 2/11/00 Louise O'Nolan has been found. Sister Hilary forgot that she had an afternoon drinking probelm. Leitrim gardai searches are only carried out during the afternoon. Hilary admitted that she knew aboot louise's afternoon drinking probelm but never thought of looking for her in pubs because she was too busy looking at horse posters. Louise will now be taking over Leitrim.
Speaking aboot employment in Leitrim, Minister for Co-Employment Chloe Liddy-Judge said a new puddin' factory will be opening shortly in Leitrim. "Beek-aBoo Puddin's" run by Matie Killler. Matie has been described by the public as ,'Just some Leitrim Bitch.' There will be a wide range of puddin's avaible from top to "BOTTOM", also a smiley face design for childeren, of 14 years of age, called "Lick Faces."
A mayo man, who likes to call himself Dan Da Man Leitrim Style called into the Limerick office with the magical teleprt to Leitrim. He spoke to Shayne Murphy and some mad one on Prozac. Shayne said he was too busy drawing a puca who had yanked on his lad Halloween night, to talk to Dan Da Man Leitrim Style. The mad one on Prozac introduced herself as Shelia McSpud. She said "I work here also but now My husband Seamus and I are off to see the O'Carrot Clan to get lalooed. I'll talk to you later.
Elma Rises From the Dead. Update:3/11/00
Former Prime Ministeer of Leitrim never really died. It was a shame to get Adolf Keane into power. Alder and Shayne Murphy have been described by close friends as the best of buds. They have been spotted in nite clubz all over the country hugging. One of Shayne's Friends' Evita said to Shayne pubicly,"Alams your Friend."
Also Leitrim is getting so popular that a branch of The Dead Poesie Siocety may be setting up there. Hilary says it's thatnks to her Horse Poster Museum. However there are doubts aboot the survival of the Museum as a neighbouring County Sligo has set up a dinosaur museum that specailises in Velosrapters. Rufus E. and Goner C built their museum with identical tiolets as those of Dolans Warehouse Co. Limerick. Goner said, " My eyes may not match my head, but I make lots of money." Hilary has been spotted entring the building on Numerous occasions.
UPDATE: 7NOVEMBER 2000 Offaly's G.P.O. Manager Sarah Purcell has resigned, and no longer is President of Offaly's letter writing club. She has now gone into the Cake Industry. After her divorce with, Fireman Sam, she thought she needed a change. Fireman Sam left Sarah after she set off two fire exstinguishers and pulled out a fire blanket to put out a cigrette. Sarah is already in a new a realtionship with Bob the Builder. She also turned down Postman Pat because he would remind her too much of her former life in the Post Office and if he lost his job he would only be Pat.
Rock Band Foo-Fighters are set to play in Leitrim's Oylimpic stage. They will be supported by singers Murial O'Connor and Liz Murphy, who apparently do excellent cover versions of ABBA. Shayne Murphy and Eric kelleher are looking forward to the concert and Shayne is very pleased with the venue. Shayne said, "I can just zap ,Eric and I into Leitrim." Eric said, "I have already attempted to go to Leitrim, but this time it will be different. I totaly trust go through a Roberts Roberson's coffe box, it just seems so practical."
The Truth behind Leitrim's Exsistence Siocety would like to point out that The drug prozac has been on the market 18th years today!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PROZAC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In other news, electoins in Leitrim are cat all toghter. People in Leitrim won't vote until Amercia has a new President. The people of Leitrim want Al Gore to win because America has already had a George Bush President already, they think it would be boring.
Louise O'Nolan has got Leitrim it's very own game show of 'Who wants to be a MiIlionaire'. Louise has broadcasted the news of this all over Leitrim and Donegal tabloids. She promises that it will be a huge sucess. The show is hosted by my friend Steven Quigly. His first guest unfortuanlty only got £300, because Chloe Liddy-Judge failed to know how to get to Seamse Street.
All day people have been voting all over Leitrim. The winner was in fact O'Nolan. She won 100% of votes. K3eane demanded a recount. Only two people voted. Louise defended her county by saying election day was not known to the public.
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