This is not your typical fan fiction story. It is how a fixation with the Backstreet Boys help someone through some problems she was having. THIS IS NOT THE TYPICAL FAN FICTION STORY, I repeat. Parts of this are based on real life, some are not. But isn't all fiction like that?


My Fixation with the Backstreet Boys and What It Did To Me

I just want to let you know that my life is screwed at this point as I start this. My best friend is in love with some freak, my ex-boyfriend still likes me and wonít leave me alone, and most importantly I at the moment have a major fixation with the Backstreet Boys. Every now and then I go through a period where Iím fixed with something or someone I cannot have. This all started inÖI think 6th grade. Well, thatís when I remember what as was fixated with. In 6th grade it was the Beatles. Okay, these guys are at least forty years older than me. That fixation turned into an obsession. However, as I entered 7th grade it died out. In 7th grade I came back to Earth and got fixated with the one and only Shawn Johnson. This kid was way out of my league. He never did his homework (I always did mine), he lived in detention (I only visited detention once in my life), and he was a class clown (I never said a word in school, let alone make a total fool out of myself). However, he held my attention all though 7th grade, that was till he started going out with one of the biggest sluts in school, Bambi Nelson. He was such a sweet kid, just asked out the wrong girl, thatís all. But, after going a whole summer and most of the school year with out an fixation with anything I got hit with two. In December, I began my fixation with Leonardo DiCaprio. This also was the time that Titanic came out. So along with the rest of America, I fell for Leo, but not like most. I just wanted to act in a movie with him. Just like the Beatles. I just wanted to know them and hang with them. But, after awhile I couldnít stand Leo and moved onÖtoÖtheÖBackstreet Boys. In 8th grade I just sung their music over and over. I bought their CD to work out to because it had some great dance tracks, thatís all. So I guess in 8th grade I really wasnít fixated with them. As I graduated from 8th grade I moved off the Backstreet Boys and moved on to Amy Grant. Yes, the Christian singer. She has great songs. You should listen to her sometime. Like Leo, I just wanted to sing with her. I wanted to be a singer. Me, a singer. I laugh at the thought. I could never let anyone hear me. Theyíd shoot me down. Really. But, I love music. I do like to perform. Just not in front of other people. But, back to the explanation. Now as I entered 9th grade I was came down to Earth again. This time, however, I was not fixated with someone I could not have. I just told myself that I could not have him. His name was Chris Kyleton. So I went through 9th grade miserable because of him. Well, except during my fixation with Titanic: A New Musical. Near the end of 9th grade, however (I really like that word if you havenít noticed), he asked me out. I was overjoyed. I floated through the summer. Near the end of the summer I began to watch TRL. This was the summer of ĎN Sync and the Backstreet Boys. Slowly I began to like them both. BSB more than the other one. Then I started 10th grade. I broke down and bought Millennium. I slowly started my fixation with the Backstreet Boys. Brian particularly. He was just so cute. I had always liked him. He didnít get much camera time and was over shadowed by Nick and A.J. Iím drawn to people like that. Favorite BeatleÖ George Harrison for the same reason I like Brian. However, this fixation set off a chain of events that changed my life. Some good, some not so good.

"I cannot believe it. You like the Backstreet Boys. I cannot believe it," my best friend Sarai said one night on the phone.

"It was that concert on Disney that did me in. Ever since that all I can think about is the Backstreet Boys," I replied.

"But we watched the ĎN Sync concert too. Why couldnít you like them?" Sarai whined. (Sarai had gone through an obsession with ĎN Sync in 9th grade.) "At least they can sing."

"I resent that. Both groups can sing," I retorted.

Thus it became known that I was going through a fixation with the Backstreet Boys. And it all started with watching one concert. Watching one concert that Sarai and I picked apart. It was fun because we made fun of Nick and his too long hair. We also both complained that Brian didnít get as many close ups as the others. I donít know what happened, but after that all I could think about was Brian and the Backstreet Boys. It wasnít like I was like those girls on TRL that stand outside the studio just to get a glimpse. No, thatís not me. I just listen to their music, I will go check stuff out on the web on them, and if thereís something on TV, Iíll watch it. Thatís the kind of fan I am.

At first I was a closet fan. I really didnít tell anyone. Sarai didnít even know for a long time that I had bought the CD. The first person I told was fellow Backstreet fan Megan. She goes to my church and a different school. Youíll hear more about her later. But, I didnít exactly tell the world. In fact, like all my fixations, I was embarrassed about it. In 6th grade I would never tell people that I liked the Beatles. I thought it wasnít cool. Well, slowly it came out. It was the same way with the Backstreet Boys. I knew I had come out of the closet when Jack (Meganís date to homecoming. And no, they are not going out.) asked me if I liked the Backstreet Boys. Without thinking I said yes. But, thatís not how they changed my life. This is how they did.

As I said earlier, after Sarai and I watched that concert, all I could think about was Backstreet Boys, Backstreet Boys, and more Backstreet Boys. At this time I was still going out with Chris. As I began to begin my fixation with them, I lost interest in Chris. But, after thinking about it, I realized it happened before this. I didnít like kissing him for one, and two the way he dressed drove me nuts, and three he never told me anything. I was always in the dark. So, I guess this fixation with the Boys just served as a wake up call to this. But, I use to think about Chris before I went to bed. Then after watching the concert, I thought about Brian and the Backstreet Boys. Now, I always can tell when Iím over a guy or into a guy by the fact that I think about them before I go to bed. I even tried to think about Chris, but I just couldnít keep it up. Well, a couple of weeks went by, and at a youth group meeting (Chris doesnít go to my school. I met him at church.) I just couldnít stand him to be around. That was when I was sure I was over him. Now the problem: How do I tell him I no longer like him and want to brake up.

I solved it by not telling him. No hear me out, it sort of worked. Iím not suggesting it however. I was really miserable during the time that I was not telling him. But I just kept telling myself that it would all be over after the homecomings. You see I had to go to two, Chrisís and mine. I figured Iíd just take him aside and tell him. However, the week of my homecoming Chris called me on Monday.

"Amanda, you want to go to a play on Wednesday? Nina in it and she insists that I never come to her plays," Chris said.

I sat in front of my computer. Oh, no. How was I gonna get out of this one? I knew what was going to come at the end of that date. Or even at the beginning. One word. K-I-S-S. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to think quickly.

"I donít know. Iíd have to ask my mom. Sheís not home right now. What time is it?" I asked.

"UmÖI donít know. Iíll ask Nina," he said. That was the other thing that bugged me about him. He never knew when anything was. Also, the fact this Nina was his ex-girlfriend and he always wanted to please her in some way or another. Even though he told everyone he hated her and couldnít stand to look at her. But, then youíd have to know that Nina still liked him and told the world. She was out to get me at one point. I donít know exactly what she was going to do, but thatís what Megan told me. But, back to the story.

"You do that," I said sharply. We were silent for a minute or two.

"I gotta go and do some homework. Bye."

I hung up the phone. Yes, I know that was rude. I just was so pissed that I might have to put up with him for another night and risk the chance of having his tongue in my mouth grossed me out. Yuck!

Soon after he called, Sarai called. I told her what had just come up.

"I donít know, Manda, you are being sort of mean, donít you think?" Sarai asked.

"Yes, but how the hell am I gonna get my point across. The man is blind," I replied.

That night I rolled things over in my head excuses on why I couldnít go. However, I didnít come up with one. In the morning I told my mom that he had invited to a play. I didnít sound too excited about it. My mom picked up on it. She was quiet for awhile. She then told me what I didnít want to hear.

"I think you should go. You could finalize plans for homecoming at his school. Since he doesnít seem to be cracking to it," my mom said.

So on Tuesday night I called Chrisís house. I knew he wouldnít be home. So I didnít have to talk to him. I told his dad I could go and to have Chris call me and tell me what time it was. I had made up my mind to pretend I had a cold so he couldnít kiss me. And the next afternoon when he called I really pulled it off good. He was convinced that I was sick. That, for some sick reason, made me happy. And what made it better was that he had to pick me up at church because my mom had a meeting and was going there. Our church was half way in between our houses. That meant, no real kiss. Even though he did try that in church sometimes. That really bugged me. I didnít think it was right.

My mom took me to church at around 6:30. I had an half hour to kill. I walked up to the youth room. I looked at the blank blackboard. I had a Backstreet Boys song in my head. I walked over to it and picked up the pink chalk. I began to write the lyrics to Itís Gotta Be You. But I wrote it in code. Iíd use pictures for some of the words. I discovered this in 6th grade when I wrote Beatles lyrics all over my notebooks. And to make sure no one knew what I was writing I used pictures. It worked like a charm. So I went about writing the lyrics. I wrote down the chorus and then went down to wait on the stairs. I was in my little dream world. Brian would came save me from Chris and whisk me off to a life in the fast lane of fame. However, as I sat down I realized how miserable I was at that moment. I had to brake up with him. And I couldnít wait till after his homecoming. However, like the dork Chris is, he arrived at this moment. I stood up and forced a smile. He came at him with his eyes closed and lips out. AHH!!! However, it was only a quick peck. He opened the door and I walked out to his dadís car and got in. He didnít even open the door for me.

"Howís it going?" his dad asked.

"Iíve been better," I said, trying to remain sick.

After a moment of silence his dad asked me, "So have you driven yet?"

"Yes, but I donít like to drive. I ran into a tree the other day," I started. I told them the story as we drove to Chrisís school. I was in a, Iím sorry to say, good mood. As we walked up the steps of the school Megan came out.

"Amanda! You came!" Megan said.

"Hi. Waiting for Melissa?" I asked.

"Yes," Megan said, following me in to the school. Chris wondered off somewhere. "We are off for Friday. I donít think Mark will go for it."

I looked at her with a panicked face. I didnít want to be alone with Chris at his dance. I had mine all squared away. I was to stick with Sarai and her date Davie. If Megan didnít go to the dance I was doomed. I really didnít know too many people that went to Chrisís school. And if Megan didnít go my plan to brake up with Chris wouldnít work. "You have to go. Couldnít you go with Noel, or something?"

"Mandy, Noel found a date. Sheís going with Todd. I donít think Iíll go."

"Oh, come on," I pleaded, getting more worried by the moment.

Chris, unfortunately, showed up at this moment as did Melissa. Chris took me in to the auditorium and found us a seat. He picked a seat a couple of rows away from where we sat on our first date. I looked at the ground. Our first date. Thatís when I liked him and the date didnít end with his tongue in my mouth. Yuck!

"Are you feeling better? You sound better then you did on the phone," he said.

"No," I quickly answered. I tried my hardest the rest of the night to be sick. Iím not as good as an actress as I was on the phone. After the play was over, we called his dad to come pick us up. He dragged me back into the school. I wanted to stay outside because it was really hot in the school. But he didnít ware a coat. He just had a t-shit on. It was cold and he didnít ware a coat. I donít think he even owns a coat. So we went back in and he had to talk to his friends. Well he didnít talk. Just laughed that annoying laugh that I used to like. Then Nina came out. She glided her way over to us.

"Hello, Amanda," she said way too cheerfully. That was the way she greeted me the first time she met me. The time she told me something she thought would scare me away. I figured her out, though. She told me, with the backing of some friend of hers, that Chris had been kissing her and got a little carried away. He bit her. At the time I didnít believe it. I told Sarai and Sarai asked Chris. He said it was a lie. Just like he said it was a lie that he told Paul (a kid from youth group that goes to school with Chris) that he and Sarai were going out. (He liked Sarai before he liked me. And he had just met Sarai and was all ready putting the moves on her.) However, every time Paul repeats that Chris told him this he looks like heís telling the truth. So for all I know Nina was telling the truth. And I would believe it.

"Hi," I said to Nina, forcing a weak smile on my face. Nina smiled a knowing smile in Chrisís direction. Chris looked at me.

"Sheís just tired, thatís all," Chris LIED. He knew that I had told him that I had a cold. I was not tired. I was sick. Yes, it was a lie that I was sick. But thatís not the point.

His dad finally showed up and took me home. Chris got out of the car and followed me up to the door.

"Thank you for inventing me," I said, trying to sound sick. "Good night."

"Good night," he said and came at me with his eyes closed and lips out. He kissed me and shoved his tongue into my mouth. Now hear me out. Even when I did like him, I hated that he only kissed one way. All tongue. And the fact that I didnít like him any more just made it worse. I tried to push him away but, he just kept going at it. I finally pushed him away.

"Bye," I said with a fake smile and threw open the screen door, opened the door, and bolted into the house. I whipped off my wet mouth and repeated several times, "Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!"

"Yeah, Amanda? Is that you?" my brother Tim asked from the family room.

"Yeah. Whatís going on in Voyager?" I asked, walking into the kitchen. Tim informed me without even turning around in his chair what had happened so far in the TV show. I, meanwhile, filled a glass with hot water and rinsed my mouth out. Tim didnít notice.

The rest of the week flew by, unlucky for me. The end of the week meant homecoming. On Friday I finally tore myself away for the lunch table and bought the ticket. My friend at lunch, Love, thought it was so funny how I procrastinated over something so dumb all week. But, I left her alone and bought the tickets. However, I forgot the guest pass that was required for students from outside of school. I was half way home when I remembered. I ran the rest of the way home and my mom drove me back to school. I got a speech from the dean on how lucky I was because he was still here. In my head I was thinking No, I would be lucky if you hadnít been here because then I could tell Chris he couldnít go because he couldnít get in, but no. You are here signing the slip so he can get in.

On Friday night Sarai and I were on the phone and decided that since Chris hadnít called (He almost never called me. I since I have this thing called phonephobia, a fear of dialing the phone, I donít call him. But if the guy liked me so much as I was told, why didnít he call me?) that if he didnít call on Saturday, Iíd take Lynn with me instead. Lynn forgot to buy herself a ticket so she could go. Yet, guess what? He called. He wanted to know all the times. However, I didnít know because Sarai didnít know because Davie hadnít told her. And at the moment he called she was at the football game playing in the band. Well, Chris called back one more time before Sarai got home. Davie was picking her up and taking her out to dinner. That left me on my own since it had slipped her mind to tell Davie about me. But, this time I had a plan. I had come up with it while I was attempting to take a nap. So I called Chris, while Backstreet Boys music was blasting in the background. Chris hates the Backstreet Boys. I donít see how he could though.

"You will come over to my house at 7:30. My dad will take pictures. We will leave for the dance around 8:00. We will leave the dance at 10:00. My mom will take you home," I said like a robot.

His reply, "Okay."

"Bye." I hung up the phone and went back to talking my nap with the blasting music in the background.

At 7:40 the doorbell rang. I was all ready to go at 6:30. Oh, I forgot something. At six or so Megan called me to remind me about the youth group meeting on Sunday. She also told me she had a date to homecoming. I was overjoyed. I mean I really was.

"When?" I asked.

"Wednesday," she said.

"But, I saw you on Wednesday and you didnít have a date. Howíd you get Mark to go?"

"Iím not going with Mark," she said simply. She waited a moment before she told me. "Iím going with Jack. Just as friends though."

I had met Jack at a party that Megan had had when Chris and I had first started going out. I really liked that kid. I also had met Mark at this time too. I wasnít as impressed with him as much, though. My mom met Jack at Meganís before homecoming and wondered why I couldnít find me a fun guy like him. Iím cursed thatís all. But thatís just some info on Jack. Heís a really fun person and I really like to be around him. Heís cool. Not a dork like Chris. But, thatí another story. Unlike most people who go to Chrisís school, I donít find Jack annoying. I really donít understand it. And being the dork he is, Chris can never explain it to me. Megan also doesnít see why people find Jack annoying. Go figure. But, the fact that Iím not too pleased with Chris maybe why, but no. Chris can generally never explain himself with things like this. He never knows. Itís almost like he canít think for himself and is just going along with the crowd. And you know, youíll hear more about Jim and who he is later, but Chris found Jim annoying too. Jim was not annoying. He was like Davie and Mike rolled into one. More Mike than Davie, so if Chris ever met Mike, he would most likely find him annoying. But, Chris will never meet Mike.

"Of course. How else would you go? Well, howíd you get set up with Jack?"

"Melissa. She heard that Jack really wanted to go and didnít have a date. So on Wednesday she told me and Jack and I are now going."

"When did this all happen?"

"After and during the play."

"How come you waited till now to tell me?"

"I donít know. But I found a dress. Itís black and really flatters my figure. Now all I need is shoes. So, you guys going to dinner?"

"No," I said while thinking Thank God. "Are you and Jack going to dinner?"

"Yeah, we might be going to Connorís over on 56th street."

"Had Chris been asking around?"

"No, I donít think so. People have asked him, but he doesnít give then a straight answer."

Dork, I thought before asking, "Well, can I join you?"

"Only you?"

"Of course. Only me because Chris seems like he doesnít want to go to dinner."

"Very funny," Megan laughed. "Wait till I tell Chris."

"You just do that," I said, meaning it. I donít think that Megan thought I meant it.

"Yeah, you and Chris can come to dinner with us. Melissa and her date, and a bunch of other people are going to Connorís. Do you think that Chrisíll mind you making the plans?"

"Well, he hasnít been making an effort to. I gave him the assignment weeks ago."

"Well, okay. Well, Iíll let you go get ready. I want details tomorrow, got it?"

"Iíll tell you every boring detail, Megan," I said.

Okay, back to the 7:40 at my house for pictures. Chris and his mom showed up at the door. After hellos and greetings his mom told me how pretty and good I looked. I thanked her of course, but Chris didnít say anything. He didnít give me one complement all night. He never really gave me any complements unless I hinted. Like saying I was ugly or something. Even then sometimes he didnít say anything. But, we took pictures and my mom and his mom talked me into staying till 10:30. You see, the dance got over at 11:00. I didnít want to stay till 11:00 with Chris. No way. Well, after that was decided my mom drove us over to my school.

We waited for Sarai by the entrance like she told me to. I was trying to keep some distance from Chris, knowing that I was being mean, but I didnít care at that moment. I had been in a real mean bitchy mood all week. It was almost 8:45 by the time Sarai showed her perfect little face. In my book I was going to chew her out. She had left me alone all by myself with Chris! I have a sorry social life and the only person other than Sarai I knew was going to be there was Mike. I had seen neither of them till now and Chris and I just stood in silence. That was another thing that bothered me. We never really talked to each other. I love to talk and once you get me going you canít get me to shut up. But unless you get me going you canít get me started. Chris really never tried to get me to talk. And I hate silence. Why do you think all my friends are the kind of people who talk and talk? Well, Chris would never say anything to me and if I started, I just did all the talking. And it was just babbling. Going on and on about nothing. I hate that. But he would never make an effort. Ugh. But once Sarai showed her sorry face I walked off with out even looking or grabbing Chris. However, Chris did follow me.

"Where have you been?!" I hissed in Saraiís ear. She turned.

"Davieís house. You are being mean."

"I donít care," I snapped back to show the depths of my being pissed.

"Who is this?" Davie asked. I looked from Sarai with my truly pissed off eyes to Davie with my sweet eyes. He was dressed in a black trench coat and top hat. And he was cute. No Brian cute. No one, except maybe Mike, is as cute as Brian.

"This is my friend Amanda and her date Chris," Sarai said, careful not to use the word boyfriend.

"Amanda," Davie said, taking my hand. "Chris," he said shacking Chrisís hand. "I horrible with names. So donít be mad if I donít remember."

Well, the night went okay till ĎN Syncís God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You came on. Davie was trying to get Sarai to dance and Chris had asked me once before if I would like to dance. I turned him down. Just like I had this time. But this time he just sort of mad me. He pulled me close. I did not like that. Sarai had been telling me the whole night that I was being mean. So I took the dorkís hand every once in awhile to show him that we were moving. He took it wrong. He would then put his arm around my waist. I didnít know what to do and Sarai kept shooting me looks so I didnít do anything. But now, I tried to push him away but he held on. I found it awkward to be slow dancing this close. I tried to keep my mind off it by looking for Mike. (By the way, Mike is my locker buddy. This means he is the guy who has his locker next to mine and we exchange words and are friendly to one another.) I never did find Mike. Well, the song came to an end. Other couples around us had been kissing so Chris decided to kiss me. And it was not just a peck. He closed his eyes and tried, yes once again, to stick his tongue in my mouth. After a moment I was able to push him a way. I also didnít close my eyes to make sure no one saw this. After that I sort of stayed real close to Sarai. Near 10:30 I decided it would be a good idea to go get my little star crown with the cardboard cut out star with my name and my dateís name in it. They were hanging on a wall. My friend Amy had said she had seen it when she and her boyfriend were looking for theirs. So we walked over and began to look. He was ahead of me looking at the wall. I donít know what it was, but something told me to look in the ground. And there was out star. On the ground. It had been stepped on several time. Was this a hint or what? I picked it up and took the starless crown down off the wall. I walked back across the room to Sarai and told her I was leaving. As I did I got another compliment. A lot of people had told me I looked gorgeous. I mean some of them I didnít even know. But my date never once did.

After we dropped him off at home my mom asked me for details. I told her I spent most of my night looking for Mike.

"He missed me in all my glory," I said. I know Mike would have given me a whole bunch of compliments. Just like Rob whatís-his-name did last year. Every day heís come up and tell me I needed to smile more because I was a beautiful goddess. I never really thought he meant it till one day he looked me in the eye and said he did, but he didnít love me or anything. He just couldnít understand why I looked so down. Even I donít know why. But thatís is not the point.

However, that night was over. Only one more night to go. One more date and youth group. Thatís all and I would be free. Free of Chris, free of is sloppy kisses, and free of him in general. Yes, I know I am being mean. Itís the truth. And I really didnít realize it till I was at Meganís the day after the dance. After Sunday school I had talked my mom into letting me to go to Meganís instead of church. We were going to go out and look for shoes to go with her dress. I was sitting on her floor in her room looking at her Backstreet Boys calendar. I was looking right into Brianís bright smile and into his happy shinning eyes. I realized if I didnít like him any more I wouldnít have acted the same way. But, now that I think about it, I would have. But, oh well. He just made me realize also how miserable I was. Brian had started all this. Could he end it? No, he was not going to float into my life and crash into Chris and kill him. He was not going to enter my life for real and safe me from Chris and his tongue. No. I would have to do this on my own. That scared me. I hated to take charge. And Chris never took charge. But, looking at that perfect picture of Brian, I realized I would really have to end it.

After I went shopping and came home I headed off to youth group. I totally gave Chris the cold shoulder. During choir I paid attention to his brother Matt. During group I sat as far away as possible from Chris. Sarai and I talked about Davie. I ignored Chris. When he tried to hold me hand when we were sitting on the couch I took it away. Totally, I was as mean as I could be. Matt noticed there was something wrong. His girlfriend Caroline said it was because I was sitting next to Chris. Little did she know she was right.

Well, I figured that if that did not get my point across then that guy was really blind. So the next week dragged by. Because of Chris and my having to brake up with him and the thought of another dance put me in a real bad mood. The only people that could make me smile were Mike and Kevin. (Kevin is in my English class and sits a chair over from me. In between in Candice. So when ever we do group work they are always in my group. We did a lot of group work that week. Heís in a bunch of my other classes too. I was so lucky we did group work that week. Kevin and Candice really helped me though that week. Thanks you two.) But other than that I went around in a funk the whole week. Then came Saturday.

I spent most of the time before I had to head over to Meganís trying to forget about Chris and the dance. I went about my way, watching MTV, VH1, the movie channels, I took a nap, and I typed up some stories. At 3:00 I began to pack my bag to head over to Meganís. At 3:30 I was over at Meganís.

Megan and I got ready for the dance. Unlike the week before, I didnít feel as good about myself. I really donít know. At 5:00 Jack showed up. And for the first time since we had been going out, Chris showed up on time, unfortunately. We took pictures and then it was off to The Greek Island to eat. (Too many people were going to Connorís so Megan decided that we would go to the Greek Island.) I sort of ignored Chris again and looked out the window. When we got there I just was my old quiet self. Well, not really. You see, I was really hyper and wanted to talk, but with Chris being there I didnít want to be there, but Jack and Megan were there. I was like torn for some odd reason. Well, dinner went okay. Megan announced that we could never talk Jack and Chris out to eat, but I think that we just cannot take Chris out to eat. We can take Jack out to eat anytime. His manners are better than Chris. And Jack isnít annoying.

Well, once dinner was over with, Megan called her dad to come and get us. Seeing that it was warm outside, we stood outside. Chris went off the bathroom. Jack went off to find a mint.

"I donít know why they all find Jack annoying."

"What do you mean?" Megan asked.

"Well, Chris is always saying how annoying Jack is. Chris is more annoying than Jack," I said.

"I donít find Jack annoying. I donít know why everyone else does."

"Iíd take Jack over Chris any day," I said as Jack walked up to us.

" Take what over Chris any day?" Jack asked.

Chris walked out of the restaurant. I looked Jack in the eye and smiled my beautiful old smile that my mom said would melt any living man and said, "You my dear Jack."

Megan looked at me in question. Jack smiled back at me. Chris looked at me, hurt. But with the totally mean mood I was in I didnít care. That was what I had meant to do. I had done my mission.

Meganís dad showed up and drove us off to the dance. Unlike my schoolís dance, they all had to wait outside till 7:30. Well, Jack saw someone he knew and decided to cut in the line near them. I tried to stay near Jack. Just for the pure purpose of being far from Chris. Later it hit me that it could possible look like I was there with Jack, which would be a whole lot better than Chris. Megan and I checked our purses in and then we entered the dance. Hardly anyone was in there. I looked miserable as I could. Even though as I think about if I had smiled that smile of mine to other guys I might have had more fun. Well, as the dance went on I announced that I didnít dance. They tried and tried, but I was not going to dance with Chris. No way. Later on we ended up on the patio sitting at a picnic table. I sat as far as the bench allowed me to sit away form Chris. This put me sort of close to Jack. This allowed me also to pay attention to Jack, who as the night had gone on held my attention more easily. He and I were playing with some ribbon. Chris was talking with some people I was introduced to but I donít remember their names. Sorry. Megan was looking board. This made me feel bad because it was partly my fault. However, Jack was being quite interesting and I was beginning to enjoy myself.

"You know, you should really smile more," Jack said.

"Why?"

"You look better."

"Oh, and you are a critic on this?"

"As of this moment? Yes," he laughed. I laughed too. The first time I had done that that evening. "I got her to laugh! Whoo hoo!"

Megan and Chris turned to look at us. I just smiled my man melting smile. In Jackís direction. Jack and I went back to playing with the ribbon. Soon there was the sound of females singing coming from inside. The Backstreet Boys were playing. I Want It That Way. I began singing, softly mind you. Jack looked at me.

"You in choir?"

"Nope, music department all screwed up." I went back to singing.

"You a Backstreet fan?"

"Yes," I said.

So simply said. I didnít turn red. I didnít even think about it. I just said yes. He was the first person I told with out hinting. That was a major step for me. My fixation had come out of the closet. I was now a true Backstreet fan and someone knew it.

Shortly after this the three of them decided we just had to go back in. I went. Under major protest. Well, we went off looking for Melissa. We found her and her date, Jim. They were on the dance floor. During the YMCA song Jim took my arms and waved them around in an attempt to get me to dance. I was thinking of cutting loose and dancing, but then I saw Chris and lost the urge. But looking at Jim and how much fun he was having and then looking at Jack smiling at me made me want to. But Chris was there. He spoiled it. Then they played the song you dance the electric slide to. Everyone began to dance. I just stood there.

"Do you know it?" Jack asked. My date didnít ask. He just went off and did the stupid thing.

"No."

"Come on, Iíll teach you," Jack offered. I hesitated awhile. But then started. He counted the steps off to me, as did Jim. They both taught me the Electric Slide. I was having fun and wanted another fast song. But, no. They played a slow on. Jack and Megan began to dance as did Melissa and Jim. Chris took me. However, this time I was able to hold him at bay. I gave Megan and Jack dirty looks with my man melting smile on my face. I didnít look at Chris and every time he tried to pull me near, I pushed him back and held him at bay. This went on for two songs. Then, than the lord, Jim came up.

"May I cut in?" he asked Chris.

Than the Lord! Thank the Lord! I thought over and over as Jim took me into his arms. I didnít mind being held close to Jim. Jim talked to me and sung whatever song it was softly as we danced. I was like transported out of the hellhole I was in to somewhere Chris free. But that was because it was Chris free. And I could also be myself in front of Jim. I would never see him again.

Well, Jim had been dancing with Megan seeing that he and Jack switch partners while I got stuck with Chris. After Jim cut in, Chris left Megan all alone. I donít know where he went and I still donít care other than the fact he just left Megan all alone on the dance floor. Gentlemen do not do that. Well, those few minutes I was dancing with Jim were the best of the dance. After the song was over Larger Than Life started. Megan and I began to dance. Jim leaned down and asked, "Now are you having fun?"

"You bet ya!" I yelled up at him. (Unlike Chris, Jim was taller than me. My next boy will have to be taller than me. I like it so much better when I am not taller than a guy when I ware REGULAR shoes.) I smiled my gorgeous smile up at him too.

"Thank you. I wanted that smile."

I went on smiling till Chris reappeared. He announced it was time to leave. It was 10:20. Megan dad would be picking us up at 10:20.

"But the Backstreet Boys are playing," Megan said.

"Yeah," I said, shooting him a look.

"The more reason to leave," Chris said.

Well, somehow Chris got his way and we left. On the way out they gave us pencils. Jack and I walked out together. We joked on how we had to pay ten dollars for a stupid pencil. Chris and Megan didnít get it. Jack and I laughed at this. Well, it turns out that Meganís dad didnít leave the house till 10:20. We could have stayed till the end of the song but, no. Dorky Chris had to make us leave. So to get back at them Megan and I played Larger Then Life as we changed out of our dresses after the dance while Jack and Chris waited downstairs to view the movie. Meganí little sister Maryanne suggested that we play a video on the Backstreet Boys.

"No, that would be too mean," Megan said as we walked down the stairs.

"Well, I say yes. Iím in a mean mood. Make Chris suffer," I replied. "Whereís the tape Maryanne?"

"No, Manda. We are watching Austin Powers," Megan said, as we walked into the family room.

The view pleased me. Jack and Chris were sitting on the couch. There was only one couch. And the way that Chris had put himself on the couch he was a bit too close to Jack. Now, yes, I could have fit there and Chris was beginning to move, but I made my way over to the spot next to Jack and placed my self there. And thatís where I stayed till they left. Jack got up as did Chris. Both their rides arrived at the same time. But, before Chris left he gave me a note. I just looked at it, knowing perfectly well what it was about. He was confused on my behavior. I jumped for joy inside.

"Bye, Amanda," Jack said. "I donít know when Iíll be seeing you again."

I smiled my man melting smile, "Oh, I donít know. Hopefully soon. Bye."

Chris didnít say anything. Just left. Like normal. We never said good-bye when other people were around. I would, he would not.

"Well, Iíve gotta go to the bathroom," I announced getting up. I picked up the note and went upstairs. Once in the bathroom I opened to note and read it. Now I just didnít go to the bathroom to read the letter I really had to go. This is what he had to say (With some of my thoughts added in):

Amanda-

Well, once again I really donít know what exactly I want to say, so bear with me here.( He had started off many notes to me that way before we were going out. I had written this story about us and the troubles that were going through my head. I let him read it. If I hadnít we would never most likely have gotten together. Thatís why I felt he never truly like me.)

For one thing, I need some clarification. Is there a problem between us? (He really is blind. Well duh!) I really honestly canít tell. (Just like he couldnít tell if I really liked him. Hello?) Lately, you havenít seemed too interested in doing anything like dancing (with you, no.) going out (with you, no.) talking, etc. (with you, no.) You seem like you never want to do stuff or make an effort to think of anything to do. (Okay, you did that too. He never called and if he really wanted to do something he never told me.) The problem is, I canít tell if thatís really the way it is or not. If youíre not interested in doing in anything, then itís pointless to go out. (Duh. Thatís why Iíve been acting this way!) but if you still want to go out, wish youíd make it more obvious to me- Iím really bad at telling what others are feeling sometimes. (Well, I donít want to go out so I will continue to act like I am.) I can tell if you really still like me. (I donít.) Either way, thought, I want you to tell me what youíre feeling. Just so I can have a better understanding.

Now, donít get me wrong- I still want to go out with you, but not if you donít. ( He lied there. He really canít accept the fact. He still canít. Heís bitter over the whole thing.) If you could just write me a note and give it to me tomorrow we could sort this all out. (Sort, no. End yes.) I would really like it.

Love,

Chris.

I read. I wrote. I gave. I ended. I was free as of Tuesday, October 11th. I was so happy after it was over. I know thatís mean but it is true. He, I feel, has still not let go. But, I felt so much better about myself. And I learned two things. One: Boyfriends are not all that they are cracked up to be. Two: My fixation with the Backstreet Boys helped me see the light. All my fixations with various things have showed me something. The Beatles showed me that I could not play the guitar and sing at the same time. Shawn Johnson showed me that popular boys are not the best judges in character. Leo taught me that I could never get enough guts to go into acting. Amy Grant made me realize that maybe I could sing. Maybe. Chris taught me that well, read the story. And last but not least Brain and the Backstreet Boys showed me that Chris was not for me. And I thank them for that. Boyfriends are not all that they are cracked up to be and I just want to thank the Boys for pointing that out. I have changed since I started liking BSB and Brian. I talk more openly to people. Heck, I talk to people. Iíve made several new friends in the male gender. Okay, only two: Mike and Kevin. I talk to Mike everyday. Well, when he shows up at school. Mikeís on of those kids who takes a day off it he just doesnít feel like going to school. And every morning Kevin and I talk about nothing in particular. Soon our seats in English will change. Thatíll suck. But my life has changed. I smile more. I use that man melting smile of mine a lot now. I not looking for another boyfriend, no way. Not now. But, Iím a much happier person.

So thatís how my fixation with the Backstreet Boys changed my life. You may not think it is much, but it is. If you go though something like this youíll know what I mean.

Now, Saraiís still in love with that freak. Okay, heís really not a freak and sheís slowly getting over him now. And even if she wasnít, thereís nothing I can do let alone my fixation with the Backstreet Boys can do. Plain and simple. And, as I think about it, maybe my lifeís not as screwed up as I thought it was. Iím just a normal teenager with normal teenage problems. Thatís all.

Let this help you if it can,

                    Amanda Rivionis