Hello my friend, have a seat, I wish to speak with you about some pressing matters that I feel are very important. Recently, it has come to my attention that the Bloodline known as the Xanthians has surfaced in a few places in Maryland. The only one I know to be truly out of torpor is one of the first three, and rumor has it that he has already been destroyed. Good riddance. Twiggy, it seems, has been telling everyone about his life as a hamster before the embrace. As you probably have guessed, his story is absolutely false. The truth is, there never was a hamster holy war or a "FAH-Q". Only an elaborate scheme of a very powerful Malkavian. An experiment if you will. That is, a miserable failure of an experiment. If you ask me, Malkavians never should have had access to historical information, but somewhere along the line, one found out about the ancient blood magicians. Perhaps he thought that if he could combine the traits of three completely incompatible clans, that he might have been able to create a new race of Thaumaturgists, or maybe he just thought it would be funny if there were really annoying freaks running around. Only a Malkavian would think of such ludicrousness, as to create such a bloodline.
The so called "Hamster lords" were actually brothers that lived in New Jersey. Twiggy, or James Craven, was the youngest of the four. He was not the first Xanthian created; he was actually the last. Robert, sorry, Omni was the first. He was a lot less egocentric than Twiggy. The second Xanthian, Blackthorn (AKA William), was the least annoying of the four. He, at least, could put up a decent fight. The Reverend, you have met the Reverend Mr. Balls, have you not? Yes, well, he was embraced long after the other three, but the Malkavian had already corrupted his mind. He truly was a man of the cloth. Exactly what clothe that was I could not tell you. And, I, Desert Eagle was an innocent by-stander in the whole series of events. I was embraced long before any of them. They just seemed to have picked me out of a crowd and decided to blame me for the death of their deity that never truly existed. They harassed me for the longest time. I developed a severe intolerance for them, but I couldn't stop them, because they would send their underlings after me while they stayed nice and safe. They disappeared for a while, but now that they have resurfaced, I feel it is my duty to bring down their organization by telling the world of darkness the truth about their precious Xanthe.
Before we continue our conversation, I must ask that we move to a different location. You see, I am craving something and I cannot be held responsible for my actions if I do not feed this craving. Blood? No, my friend... french-fries, and a whopper with cheese. Please, there is a Burger King just down the road, we can finish our conversation after I get some food.
Now that you know the true identities of the "Hamster lords", it's time that I give you a little lesson in Xanthian history. I am quite knowledgeable when it comes to the Xanthians. I have been watching them and studying their history since nineteen seventy-four. That’s when they first began to harass me. Not much is known about the Craven brothers in their mortal life. All I can tell you is that they were orphaned at an early age. The Reverend, who was the oldest of the four, was just eighteen and was responsible for the well being of his younger brothers. That is why he became a Reverend, to help provide for his brothers. Why he decided on that profession is still a mystery to me.
One day in the early nineteen seventy's, the Cravens underwent a sort of a change. I assume that is when the Malkavian had its way with their minds, or maybe their change is what attracted the Malkavian. Either way, they began to proclaim themselves to be the "Hamster lords". They did not yet claim to be hamsters that had been mutated into human beings nor did they believe that they were waging war against the human populace, but still, their behavior was damn strange.
The Reverend was away on a mission when the other three were embraced. It was shortly after their behavioral change, and after the embrace, they went completely mad. Their sires... yes, it's true, each Hamster Lord had three sires... now, if I can get back to what I was saying, their sires were of clans Gangrel, Ravnos, and Nosferatu. I think the Nosferatu blood is the cause of their strange appearances, they are lucky they were not horribly deformed. Anyway, I digress. I believe that their sires were also under some sort of Malkavian control. Why else would the Gangrel and the Ravnos ever go in on a joint embrace. Why else would they know that a joint embrace was even possible. The Gangrel, Jennifer Ramerez, "borrowed" a special chalice that the Tremere had created to help them in the creation of new servants. She, the Ravnos John Optiprism, and the Nosferatu Blackrose each drained each one of the Craven brothers of their blood. When all of the brothers had been emptied, the trio of sires each poured their blood into the chalice and swirled the blood until it was a well-mixed homogeneous mixture. They poured a few drops of the mixture into the mouths of the Xanthians and left the newly embraced alone to deal with their transformation.
Have you heard the theory of "if you believe in something enough, it will become real"? Well, for the Xanthians, it is true. The power they call "Rodentia" is stemmed from their deep belief that they were once hamsters or that they are the descendants of hamsters, and that their power is the manifestation of their hamster lineage. Yes, I do think they are deranged, but the truth is, I am not one to speak badly of derangement. Oh, that’s right, I haven't introduced you to Mr. Hawkins yet, have I? Be thankful, he is not as reserved a person as myself. Much like myself, however, the Xanthians have a dark side. If by chance you have met Twiggy, you probably think that he is a carefree baffoon. You probably think that because Twiggy was one of the first Xanthians, that they all act like him. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Xanthians come in all kinds of different packages, some are fierce warriors, some are noted scholars, and some are like Twiggy, but they will all stab you in the back the moment they get the chance. They have a long history of Diablerie. The first three Xanthians were of the eleventh generation. I have met Xanthians of the seventh generation, and unless they have some ritual to lower their generation, which I highly doubt, they would have had to have committed Diablerie. On more than one occasion, I have actually witnessed Xanthians Diablerizing other kindred. And you thought that I was the bad guy, didn't you? No, my friend. That question was rhetorical, not direct. Although my part in their little fantasy history is purely fictional, I am in truth more of a villain than you will ever know. But, again, I digress...
The Xanthians believe all of their actions are justified as being part of their saviors master plan. Their savior? Oh please, you’ve had to have known about Xanthe. I can't believe you've let me go this far talking about the Xanthians without even knowing the reason they call themselves Xanthians. I've heard a few passages of their so called "bible", it's only a few pages long. I can't remember exactly what it was all about, it was too long ago. Some pissant named Fuzzy Wuzzy... he was one of Twiggys progeny... he was "quoting scripture" for me. It was something along the lines of: "Xanthe made everything. She maded this world for us. Then humans came along and messed everything up, so we started a war with them. And you got stuck up someones butt." That's when I killed him. No one soils my name or spreads rumors about me and lives. Anyway, I picked up his little "bible" and continued to read, it went on about how the hamsters created some machine they called the "FAH-Q" to turn themselves into humans. It said that I was the first one to become human, but that I was corrupted by fast food. If anything, fast food was corrupted by me. According to their "bible" five hamsters were transformed, including myself. Supposedly, we were all sent off to meet these people and have them teach us to be more powerful. These people, turned out too be our sires. They even had my sires name in it. How they found the names of myself and my sire has been bothering me for years. Appearantly, When all of the "Hamster lords" returned home, there was supposedly some sort of feast in which Xanthe, their savior proclaimed that I would destroy her. At that point there were a bunch of eraser marks on the paper, as if they were trying to come up with a suitable ending to their book. What ever the ending is, it seems that I did in fact destroy Xanthe, because now the Xanthians will not leave me alone.
I've been misfortunate enough to have been in a pack with a couple of Xanthians. Yes, they recognized me, the Xanthians tell all of their children stories about me, but luckily they didn't seem to care. They were under the guise of Panders, and they were not about to give up their true identities to attack me. They knew that if I didn't kill them, that the pack leader would have. No, I was not the pack leader, my empire was not as it is now, if it were they would have been dead the moment I saw them. The Xanthians were there because they heard that by joining the Sabbat, they would gain massive amounts of power in a short amount of time. Power, they are all about power. It's funny to watch when two of the little giblet-munchers get together though. They get real competitive, and start fighting to determine who will be the dominant Xanthian. Every once in a while they will challenge each other again, but the dominant Xanthian usually stays the dominant Xanthian. I have witnessed, in my observation of normal hamsters, that the dominant male will quite often resort to homosexual rape over those under its control. One is forced to wonder just how far these creatures carry their traditions. I don't understand why they can't be more diplomatic about the whole thing, why waste your energy on something as trivial as that. Oh well, they are both dead now anyway.
You are curious about the fate of those two Xanthians in my former pack, aren’t you? They did fool me for a while, but I am not easily duped. After a time I learned of their true identities. I then destroyed everything I could find that they loved, then gave them more things to love and destroyed those as well. Afterwards I engaged them mentally until they finally agreed to give up all of their spiritual and ethical beliefs. Apparently, Xanthians don’t hold up well to intellectual torture. Something to keep in mind for future reference, perhaps? And, yes, then I killed them. After killing them, however, my mind throbbed at the rage I felt for having been fooled by those two. To think that I actually took part in the sacred ritual of Vaulderie with them. Killing them wasn’t enough... their souls needed to be punished as well. And that they were. The details are not something one would wish to bring up in a polite conversation such as the one we are having.
The procurement of their souls was accomplished by a newfound alliance with the Arch-Necromancer Samedi, Bishop Cromwell. Quite a sinister fellow. The second most wicked individual I know of. We acquainted well, he and I. I left the crumbled remnants of my old pack to join his.. Shattered Crystal. I have never regretted the decision since. There my skill and intelligence was finally appreciated and I was given the resources and space to devise as many schemes as I desired. I have since been appointed to the prestigious position of Templar and I have not disappointed my fellows in carrying the responsibility of such a title. I will not stop there, however. My plans are much, much grander than that.
Enough of such talk. Now we must act. Find these Xanthians in whatever holes they may lurk and bring them to me, my friend... my... minion. If it is a holy war they desire, then it is the Jyhad they shall receive.
From the dark recesses of the earth, she rose forth. Xanthe, the hamster messiah, had returned to the world she created for the sole purpose of having a place to go poo. Her return, however, presented her with a new and terrible foe... strange and extremely large creatures had inhabited her toilet world and began treating the other hamsters (who merely wanted to take a dump and scree as loudly as possible) in very strange ways. They were taking them out of their plastic homes and subjecting them to strange sexual acts involving duct tape.
Xanthe vanquished hundreds upon thousands of the creatures she referred to, with utter disdain, as humans. Many times, she would maneuver under them and perform the dreaded Hamster death scree. The hamsters she liberated fought furiously at her side, many were lost to the bloody battles and some began to defect to the human side. One dedicated hamster, known as Desert eagle, began to try and work his way towards the side of the hamster messiah, so that he might gain the respect of his savior (after all, she had seen him taped to a human reproductive organ which was then placed inside another human orifice. He felt that once something like that happens, that all respect is lost and must be regained through vigorous battle). The messiah, however, knew that what had happened was beyond his control. Thus, it was a very short period of time before he managed to surpass the five hamster disciples and become Xanthes right hand hamster.
Meanwhile, the hamster scientists, otherwise known as scree'ertists, had been working on a weapon to give the hamsters a better chance at winning the war...That weapon was the Form Adapting Humanifying-Quasar (or FAH-Q, for short). FAH-Q allowed brave young hamsters to be transformed into humans so they could infiltrate the enemies' defenses. Of course, Desert eagle volunteered to be the first to test the procedure. He was the first of five scree'oldiers to become human. The others were Omni, Mr.Balls, Twiggy, and Blackthorn. The FAH-Q was then destroyed to ensure that the humans would never know of its existence. The Holy war was slowly being won by the hamsters, the tides were turning, life would soon be normal again. But, one day, an unexpected thing happened. Desert eagle was corrupted by something the humans called "fast food". The quick and delicious new temptation drove him mad. He knew that if the humans were destroyed, the fast food would go away. There was only one thing to do...destroy Xanthe. All he needed was a plan.
The war went on, and the humanoid hamster warriors (now known as Hamster Lords) were devising a way to become more powerful than the humans were. One night, Mr.Balls came upon a very strange man. The Man didn't seem to be as much of a threat as most other humans, but he seemed far more powerful than they did. After talking to the strange man, who constantly spoke about Hoogie the magical Hamster (this is one of the reasons he didn't seem too offensive. After all, anyone who speaks kindly of the hamster is friend to all hamsters), Mr.Balls found out that the mans name was Mipene. Mr.Balls returned to the impenetrable plastic fortress, where the hamsters train in their exercise wheels, to tell the other Hamster Lords about Mipene. Mr.Balls' peers thought him insane. How could humans possibly speak kindly of the hamster? The messiah, however, knew that Mipene was the beginning of a great prophecy that would bring the war to a close. She told each of the hamster lords to seek the help of a different person. Mr.Balls was to continue talking with Mipene, Desert eagle was to seek the knowledge of Lucifer Gunn, Twiggy was to study with a woman called Jen Ramerez, Omni was to meet John Optiprism, and Blackthorn was to befriend a woman named Black rose. Each was told to take one of the original copies of the Hamster Scree Scrolls, written by the five hamster disciples (Bob, Omni, Mr.Balls, Pisser, and Numbnuts), with them on their journeys.
A year passed before all of the Hamster lords returned from their journeys. The Hamster lords had a new, unimaginable strength. But they could not tolerate the suns terrible heat. Therefore, they would only attack the humans at night. This behavior led to hamsters becoming nocturnal creatures. The war waged on for another year. On the day of the messiahs' birth, the Hamster lords, the hamster disciples and Xanthe gathered for a meeting that the messiah dubbed "the Last Nibble". At this meeting she declared that the one who had strived the most to attain perfection in her eyes, would be the one to cause her demise. Not knowing who this was most of the hamsters simply asked who it was, but Mr.Balls already knew. He lunged for Desert eagle, but Desert eagle sliced Mr.Balls eye out and went for the messiah. As his blade came down upon her, the messiah whispered a chant that would make it so that her death would stop the war... Temporarily.
