Note:
23/7/1999 I wrote something like... "Cut me some slack. I broke my own rule and re-read my previous entries and some of the stuff I've written makes me cringe. I will not however, alter or edit anything I've written. It's how I felt at the time, and good or bad - It's me.
This entry is one of the examples...I promise I won't delete it...*LOL*..
Today was full of emptiness - I had so many things to think about,
some plans and stuff. I ended up not going anywhere,
not doing anything. Just stayed home, only went out for lunch and dinner.
Postively shameful !!
I guess I needed a
space and I wanted to talk to "someone" who knows me well; "someone"
who would listen and
give me advice, regardless of the fact that I may never heed it.
*I* came through ...
as always. I talked to myself......
As I drifted off to sleep last night, going over *their* words in my
head I could hear
the *two of them* discussing me in hushed whispers, worrying for their
friend and wanting
only what *they* felt was right for me. I wonder if *I* will ever feel
that closeness again
with someone.
Hey, waitaminute nosey boys...
Is it so wrong of me to want a relationship that can give me
everything
I desire ? A relationship built on trust and honesty and total
unconsuming love. Am I aiming for the impossible ?
I couldn't go on like this. I cracked. I spent an aching week-end,
trying to find the words, trying to make the words come out. But
they wouldn't. Left me to my own devices. Only my bowels agreed to
talk, my body intoxicated with all that I could not express.
This is where I'd feel most like 'me' and be the most grounded.
Right? Wrong. My life here has been as broken as the landscape.
Like the remnants of a big quake, I am constantly stumbling
over the detours, road blocks, gaping holes, and general debris
of my personal earthquakes that litter my psyche, history, my
relation to the geography of my own mind.
Phew...
Words are so deceiving...*LOL*....
So now I'm trying again. Editing myself, piecing myself
together for my own self. My own judgement. Or perhaps for you. Yeah, you.
Moving the parts to present the proper picture.
That's the joy of mapping myself. I decide how I perceive myself.
As
I write these words of
this what's-wrong-with-you-you-don't-sound-good-today-blah-blah-blah,
I feel more chunks
of myself slipping into place, connecting the three 'me's' --
the 'me then,' the 'me now,' and the 'me caught between then
and now.' I feel myself moving a little closer to myself.
See, told ya, this journal should be re-titled
"Life Of A Typical Malay - A Bag Full Of Shit"
Monday 20/9/1999
A
nother of those internet-marathons and I lost again.
As usual. Spent a few hours designing my website, only to delete it
later. It looked good on IE5 but when I tried viewing using Opera
3.00 and Netscape 4, the page just
looked like a page written by a Doctor. Well, I always wanted to
be a Doctor....
I am now working on my page for that new domain I registered
a few weeks ago. I've already paid about USD 160 something for
NIC registration, web-hosting and setting-up process. The company (and the server)
is located somewhere in Los Angeles. Not that I don't support "Buy Malaysian
Products" campaign, just that.....well, just that.....errmmmm....
I'm a bit worried about this whole thing, I know nuts about ftp, reading the FAQ pages made me feel so small, obviously I've been taking this internet thingy for granted.
My new page, maybe I'll divide into 2, personal and non-personal sections.
That personal section won't take that much time,
I will just upload this page to the server, maybe I'll just
"trim" here and there, but that non-personal section will definitely
consume a lot of my times. I basically know what I'm going to put up,
and I definitely want my presence to be known. Still, I'm not asking
much.
I am a failure, so I need attentions. Lots and lots
of attentions....*LOL*...
I can't wait to open a new account at the brokerage house in Subang
Jaya, this week perhaps. Or latest by end of this month. Market still look
gloom. New life-of-contract low being recorded almost everyday now.
September still records a few low anniversaries, 4-year low, 5-year
low, 6-year low. Just don't touch that 22-year low, please.....
Fundemental news seems to be bullish soon. Or maybe
binews.com giving shitty reports again.
True, bears are having field days now but not for long I guess.
Tuesday 21/9/1999
Absolutely nothing to write today, what's wrong with
me....one of those days I guess, or perhaps, no news means good
news...
Wednesday 22/9/1999
Just when I thought "A Bag Full Of Shit" has ended, here comes
another one....
It's about that so-called mid-life crisis. At my age? Gawd...
Mine started very subtly. First, it was my dissatisfaction with
my job and my career. After working so hard for a few prestigious
projects (Kraftangan center,KL, Kuala Lumpur International Airport,
Sepang and Proton City, Tanjung Malim)
,I did not like the direction my career was taking me although
I suppose I was doing quite well among my peers.
Nor did I enjoy
the hours that I was spending at work. Odd hours sometimes.
(I salute those who have worked more than 20 years).
Working almost 12-hour days and mostly six-and-half-day weeks ,
I began to see that I was wasting my time on a routine job that I
did not enjoy. The pay was good. Bloody damn good.
No time for family, no time for friends.
Then, dissatisfaction with my social and love life set in. Why?
Because they amounted to practically zero-mostly due to the vicious
work cycle I mentioned earlier.
Besides,my good friends were getting married one by one and we
were growing apart.
I started to lose self-confidence and
began cultivating self-doubt.And this is the worst thing to happen
to me because I am the confident sort.
If you want to call
me names,a know-it-all or jack-off-all-trades would have suited me
fine. I used to be someone who knew exactly what I wanted and believed
that I could change my destiny.
Therefore,it behooved me to face my own worst enemy - doubt.How
the mighty have fallen!
Ah,but self-doubt is just the tip of the iceberg. Then comes
self-pity, a totally useless emotion that will take a person downwards
and if not taken seriously, will lead to depression. I was lucky not
to have succumbed to that nightmarish beast for long.
Allow me to
digress here. We live in a society that holds so much expectations.
Wealth, status, fame - theses ultimate goals in life are drummed
into our heads since young.Conformity and expectations have long
since been the name of the game. And success in life is judged by
who you are and what you own, not how happy you are. As you can see,
it is not an easy world we live in.
The first step was
to question
myself honestly. That if I were to strip away all expectations
from society and myself (for we are all ultimately influenced by
society no matter much we deny it), then who am I and what do I want?
The journey has been a long and arduous one.
And I must confess I am not out of the woods yet.
The point is we all have different priorities and in life.
And these priorities change at different stages in our life.
At some point, we might have doubts and not know what we want.
And that is fine. The importatnt thing to know is that there is
always a way out of that abyss of that self-pity.
All we need to do
is to look deeper within ourselves. And then we must be ready to
make the changes and accept the consequences.
It has been a journey of self discovery for me. And for better or
for worse,I have no regrets.And though I am not euphoric,
I am at peace with myself.
To all of you out there who are going through this phase,
it is not the end of the world, nor is it silly or stupid to be
knee-deep in a mid-life crisis. Just remember that life is full of
options and surprises. All we need is the courage to take it on.
And I, for one, have not only survived but also thrived.
Now....where's that Auntie Agony?.....*LOL*...
Thursday 23/9/1999
I sent my car for
service this morning, the mechanic did not do much,
he was busy with other things. I swear I'm not going to send my car
to Castrol Service Station, Section 3 , Shah Alam anymore.
Took me half an hour to reach Bukit Changgang, said my
Zohor at the mosque. There was
a Tabligh group on a 40-day mission, spent
a few minutes with them. Had lunch at Ariffin's, ah...I tried so hard
to "swallow" all those tempe, ulam and stuff,
told them I had eaten something hours before that. Infact, that
was the very first time I tried tempe.Never
again.
Ariffin wanted to double his investment but I adviced him not
to since he already has RM 40K in his account. Unless the account
is under his wife's name, in which they agreed. So, another RM 30K
today. I still can't believe why some people have so much trust on
someone. See, I have no blood relations whatsoever with them.
They were my landlords when I was with KLIA.
Maybe because they
know that I'm honest. I did not ask them to invest,they
themselves came to me. The returns was good, so far, he said.
Of course, 10 % of their total investment. Monthly,not anually.
They even bought a new car (Proton Wira) only after 6 months. Heck,
my investors are moking money....and I'm still driving my old Honda
Civic. But as long as they buy local car, that's perfectly ok with
me..jangan lawan tokey dah lah...
Nal, I have something else to tell you....
Yeah, what is it?.....
Akhu nak kho jadi sedara akhuuu (I want you to be
part of my family)....akhu nak kho,kalo kho setujulah,kawin dengan adik ipar akhu...
....?????....
Darn, I might as well submit my name for that Most Eligible Bachelor
Award...*LOL*...
Left at about 3-30 pm, without saying "yes" or "no" ( as usual)
to their question. I know, this will put me in a very difficult
situation later on, my god...Ida, Chu, Dollah etc,they each have
someone in mind....
Saw Kamal's car while driving to KLIA, now, what was he doing there?
En Ariffin, En Malik and a few others were at the office when
I arrived, as usual, we talked and joked around. Almost all of them
asked me to kind of go back to construction . Be a
Resident Engineer again, they said. I did not want to offend them
(they are all Engineers, managerial level of course) so I merely
answered,
well, you know me, I like
something new, something challenging, something that gives me total
freedom.....just to broaden my horizon. I like this commodity
trading, it's something very new to us Malaysians. Maybe I'll
succeed,maybe I'll fail....I really don't know, but I have been
doing this for almost a year now and I'm begining to see the
light at the end of the tunnel. I was at the wrong tunnel
before...
Called Bahrim and we agreed to meet for a quick drinks, so I drove to his site office in Nilai. he was kind of busy, we chatted for 10 mins or so and left when it was about to rain. June and Aniza were also there.
Stopped at Kampung Labu Lanjut and said my Asar there, then to Abang Mat's house. Spent about half and hour chatting with him and his wife, then another 30 mins plucking rambutans. Oh, it was fun climbing rambutan trees, I last climbed a rambutan tree when I was a little boy....
Did not go visit Mak Munah, it was already late, about 6-30 pm when I left.
Reached Shah Alam just before Maghrib and managed to have a quick nap. Drove to Subang Jaya office feeling so fresh. Another new record low at the opening, so I went out for dinner. Towards the end of morning session (New York time), price went up gradually. Decided to go to KL, left the office at 12-45 am, took KESAS highway instead.
Stayed at Estana until 2-30 am, chatting and drinking with Kumar and Dominic. On my way to the car park, I saw Zack and Chua, I kind of ignored them but by the look on his face I know Zack wanted to ask me lots of things. I gave one-word answers to all his questions. I know, he suspects I am now trading at different brokerage house somewhere there. Oh, I'm very good at confusing people...*LOL*...My next plan is to let them know that
chasing me and Dominic out from that brokerage house was one of
their biggest mistakes.....just hold your breath guys.....
Friday 25/9/1999Kak Zainap called me a few times this morning, I was
still in bed so I did not really get what she said. Only after a
few minutes did I realise I was supposed to bank-in some money into
her account before 12-00 pm for her to prepare a bank draft for our
pooling account at that new brokerage house.
Rushed to Maybank and withdrew some money, then to Bank Bumiputra,
PKNS Complex but it was already 1-15 pm and time for Friday Prayer
so I decided to just keep the money and do the transaction after that.
I have to admit, I felt very uneasy and lost my concentration,.....
just imagine....having a few thousands in your 4 pockets....
Market was choppy, another new low but towards the end it jumped by almost 4 points. I left about 20 minutes before closing. To KL to see Dominic, Kumar was not around and I stayed there until 4-00 am.
I got some news today that is so potentially exciting I
can scarcely concentrate on anything! Unfortunately, I can't
tell you what it is until it either pans out,
or doesn't. I know you'll be keeping your fingers crossed for me, right? Thanks ....