Akudia : Life Of A Typical Malay - Sept 2000
Friday 8/9
I was not really myself the last few days,
I mean I was so damn busy with works
and other things I hardly had time to think.
Today, my
schedule was not that hectic so I took the opportunity to
just lie low and look back upon my life.
Sometimes my heart cries out for attention, and I feel
like an outsider in the world, yet at other times I am
like the king of my kingdom, the lead actor in my own play.
I play a part, and I choose which persona I will show to the
world. We all have costumes we wear that essentially
change who we are to others...the sinner, the saint, the king,
the peasant, the child, the diva, the dreamer, the athelete,
the rock star, the fortune-teller the pretentious businessman.
But inside....who am I???
Well, I cannot know who I am until I accept where I came from.
No amount of riches can provide me with the wealth a piece
of information can give me, for information is power beyond belief.
When I accept things about myself, it is virtually impossible
for others to use my weaknesses as an attack mechanism. I am who
I am.
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I can absolutely not explain what just happened this week.
It was huge. It wasn't even necessarily terrible, just so completely
overwhelming and
wierd that I can't make sense of it yet. I may never make sense
of it. I am
lost in some emotional pit, I can't find my way out, and it is
really *beep* slimy down here. Not bad, but fuzzy. I'm feeling
rootless. The old rules for how I thought things work no
longer apply, for some
reason. At one point, the thought came that I
wasn't even supremely
unhappy, I am so
tired. I am so wired. My brain feels like someone did and
continues to do a root canal on it. It hurts. I want the thoughts to stop
rushing and jumbling around. I am too cowardly (and
sometimes too logical) to make 'em
stop real good.
I am so strange right now, that I bet if good advice came up
and spit in my face, I wouldn't notice, let alone care. Am I
going nuts? Just how much new stuff can a brain take, anyway?
All at once?. What is going on? Why can't I explain anything?
Why don't I understand what just happened? I don't want to
descend into the mystical flood of being, and enjoy the
sensations. It scares me.
Never mind the fact that things are
turning out ok. They're not ok, because I don't understand
how they got from where
they were to here they are.
I'm surrounded by mysterious
personalities that speak to me in languages that I
can't quite understand. I get the
drift, but I think they're saying something that eludes me.
That exists
on a different plane that I don't have access to, at all.
I'm an idiot, I am pathetic and pedantic in my resistance,
refusal to understand,
give in, give up, allow it to begin to make sense to me.
I've had things
painfully and lengthily explained to me over and over again,
by patient persons who really would like me to get it.
I don't get it at all, and I'm caught in a brain-loop,
that circles endlessly about a finite series of events, adds them,
subtracts them, divides them, and makes different solutions
every time. But never the right one.
I kinda hate the life I'm leading now. I just hatehatehate
it right now. Dammit! I know this state of mind is
transient, for the most part, and it always seems to
really suck like,
for an eternity when you're in the doghouse, but then you wake up one
morning and you hear all the birds singing and the sunlight is pouring
through your windows and everything is dandy.
I look at my life and say to myself "
I have all the externals. Everything
is there" and yet, I remain totally unsatisfied
with my seemingly dreary
existence. There seems to be no end to the repetition and
the monotony
of my days. My insides are imploding from the pressure of all this crazy
anxiety which is coming from god-knows-where.
I mean *beep*, I have lots of things to
keep me busy; a not-so-good social life that usually fills up
my schedule; and..... Except for the past few weeks I've been doing *beep*
all but
stay at the office avoiding people like the plague. I can't bear to pick up the
phone and call someone. I've been dodging (?) Rozita for the past few
weeks because the idea of spending time (on the phone) with someone other than myself
right now terrifies me. I can't behave this way in front of others. I
dread the very idea of it all, because I am so angsty, anxiety-ridden,
and generally dissatisfied with how my life has turned out.
The anxiety has become debilitating. I can't seem to shake it. I
have always been a high-strung person. I have an intensity frequency
an octave above high 'C' and I have to keep that fire under a bushel for
the most part or I can seriously freak people out with the ultra-high
clockspeed way I usually operate. And I can't figure out how to slow down.
I don't want to slow down.
I hate waiting for shit.
I hate people who
talk slowly or act slowly or who dither or who blow shit off and who
have no goals or ambitions. I sometimes become very
short with these
sorts, because I'm always in the *blam*blam*blam*
mode of decision-making
and *action*action*action*. I'm the Ur-busybody.
I'm like a shark who
has to keep moving or die. I just can't chill out. Once I start feeling
mellow I go out looking for action to fill the gap.
I have enormous bloody blisters from overdoing it this week
by climbing up and down the 2 blocks because I simply
refused to quit, to slow down, to stop. I had to do it. And now I can't
go out walking and blow off this anxiety because my
feet hurt too goddamned
much.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't continue to live like this.
I mean *beep*, I feel stressed about work, like I'm not doing enough, and
yet I was just promoted last week. I don' need no promotions.
What the *beep* is up with me? I feel
this vague sense of guilt and shame for my mere existence, and I've
done nothing wrong to feel this way. It's just there pressing me down,
suffocating me. I've never
felt this sense of mortification about
myself and my life before, and the worst thing is I have no idea where
any of it's coming from. There's no rational basis for any of it.
I feel like I haven't lived up to jack shit with my ideals.
I feel like
I have accomplished absolutely nothing of note in my life, and I can't
stand the idea of it anymore. I sometimes feel as though
I never will
make a difference, that I'm only a tiny drop in the ocean of being, that
my life has absolutely no consequence or meaning,
and that I'll never
have any rest or satisfaction about what I have done
because I'm
programmed to be constantly dissatisfied with my performance.
Nothing I do is good enough. It can always be better.
Work harder! Try harder! Crack that whip! Perfectionism to the *beep*
near side of insanity, and I just can't take it anymore.
Something has to give. I just don't know what it will be.
--------------------------------
Sender IP:*deleted*
Subject:From Your Web Page
1. Salam, aku rasa ko ni kuat melayan & melawan perasaan
kot? - Zack
Entahlah, aku pun tak tahu, aku rasa ko betul, aku lawan dan layan, dua-dua.
2. Hi, I kind of like this journal,
don't take your life too seriously. You make so much sense to
me. Anyway, have a great day. - Julie dot pink
You have a great day too, thanks for coming.
3. You make sense -
I think....hehehehe...
And yet you laughed!....heh..
4. assalamualaikum,
haha.. me sound like your mum? now, that''s something.. anyway,
sorry.. i am really sorry.. i didn''t mean to interfere with
your life..
waalaikumsalam, no, not at all....oh tidakkkkkkkk!!! now i
feel guilty .....heh...You have to know this, I don't know you but
your daily visits (and your icq messages)
here bring smiles to my face, I thank you for that.
Saturday 9/9
God, how I love to whine...heh...the past few days were so tortorous, mentally and physically. Lucky I have this online journal. Hope next week I won't be that busy, I doubt it though, what with David's departure and I have to take over his supervision works. Me doing M & E works? That makes sense...heh...
The Contractor finally fixed a telephone line to my room this morning, I nearly jumped for joy but my C-o-Ws were there so I tried to pretend like it wasn't a big deal. I lied to you guys, sorry. In no time at all I was already online, it was 11 something, close to lunch hour so I stayed online until 1-00 pm. Taught Edwards some basic internet thingy. I know it's hard for him to understand but I'll teach him little by little, the concepts, how it works and stuff. Only then will I register him an email. Showed him some cool
sites too.
I heard people look for
porno stuff on the internet. Is it true?
Ok, lock the doors and I'll show you something... and I went to altavista.com and typed the word s-e-x. Look, all these are porno sites, if you click here it will take you to another site, let say you want to see some naked pics, you click on this, the link, blah blah blah...
His eyes nearly popped out. I then closed all the windows (why is it when you visit adult site, so many other windows pop up? Not one, not two but nearly 10!) and surfed a few other business-related sites.
Suddenly there was this oooo uuuttt oooo uuuttt coming from my ICQ, it was from that mysterious lady
me,myself & I
Sender IP:*deleted*
Subject:From Your Web Page
assalamualaikum,
it''s good to know that I manage to make you smile..
(and make you feel guilty.. ;) )
Hmmm....let her feel guilty for making me feeling guilty, how about that?...heh...
Anyway, back to me teaching Edward some sex educations again, he was so amazed with the new findings I let him doing some navigations on his own, he went checking some websites about his homestate, Sarawak.
Now, I honestly hope he won't get addicted to the net.
Left for KL right after that, took the train from Angkasapuri and
went to Alas Cafe (the one near McDonald and one Indian
Restaurant) at Dayabumi, no, what's the name of that building?
City Square? The one next to Dayabumi. Suddenly I remembered
Rohaya, because that was the very restaurant we went to
on our first date since her return from Birmingham Uni.
That was, what, nearly 2 years ago? I don't know what is
she doing now (her office is at Bangunan Bank Pertanian -
everytime I pass that building I'll look up to the top floor
where her office is located). Hmmm.... all I have left is
a file of printed emails, that I'm going to keep as long as
I live. Or as long as Rozita doesn't find out....heh...I
sincerely hope she (Rohaya) will find her perfect man because
I want her to settle down, aku tak mahu dia
nanti jadi andartu pulak.....
It was so damn hot but I just walked and walked and walked, and ended up at Sogo, arrgghhh....far too many people. Spent about half an hour at Konkuniya...damn it, I don't know how to spell that name, it sounds about right I think.
Tak nampak pulak Mat Jan, aku baca diary dia, dia kata tadi dia pergi Sogo jugak. Apa Mat Jan nih? Aku pergi Sogo, dia pergi Sogo. Aku tengok Hollow man, dia tengok Hollow Man, dulu aku mentioned pasal Tilawah, dia ada jugak mentioned
perkataan Tilawah. Seriau jugak aku....heh...
Left for Shah Alam at 6-00 pm, said my Maghrib and Isyak at the state mosque. Went to En Ngah's Delapan Cafe, called En Sheriff for a chat over a delicious chicken chop and a glass of iced-tea. We talked commodity all the way, En Sheriff now knows a lot about trading stuff than some Traders do.
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Sender IP:*deleted*
Subject:From Your Web Page
assalamualaikum,
hie there.. this is the second message i sent to you i guess.. it''s just that i''m really feeling down right now.. my wedding day is only about 2 weeks away.. and the nearer it gets, the more i''m thinking ''am i making the right decision?'', ''is he the right person for me?'', ''will i regret making the decision to marry him?''.. and it making me not wanting to ...
I didn't get the full text.
-------
You kidding me, me,myself & i? I thought you said you kawin tahun depan? Jangan layan perasaan, biasalah kot that kind of stupid questions datang kat otak kita bila time-time macam ni. Yes, you are making a right decision to marry him, you deserve him and he deserves you. (Ishhh....macam pandai jer aku ni.....aku punya pun dah dekat ni...oh tidakkkkkkkk!!!!!!I need counselling
...heh). Who's that lucky man by the way? Tak bagi kad jemputan ka? Apa ni? Tak acilah macam tu...Anyway, good luck and have a blissful marriage - Uncle Agony.
2.Hi there, just passing by, nice story hah? - Awek2000
....and you didn't bring me flowers?....heh...
3.God bless you - Beautiful Stranger
God bless you too. Amin.
4.Interesting but I don't think your life is so fucked up.
My life is not but my mind is so.....Sunday 10/9
Location: Shah Alam Lake (somewhere near the mosque)
Time:After Subuh
I sit on the edge of a small bench. The sound of the water
bubbling over the smooth rocks is very soothing.
The breeze is barely strong enough to push my hair away
from my face. I breathe deeply the smell of green growing
life and moisture.
On the horizon the first glow of sunrise appears.
It’s so faint that I’m not sure if it’s sunrise or merely my
eyes playing tricks on me.
I love this time of day. There are no worries, no
deadlines and no pressures. There is an overwhelming
sense of peace and tranquility. The world is taking her
time waking up and the process brings a smile to my face.
It’s at this time that I feel most in tune with myself.
My energies are focused almost entirely inward,
illuminating truths that are usually veiled.
I realize that things I usually find myself worrying about
are not really so serious.
In the scheme of life so many of our worries are trivial.
We are concerned with getting that big fat raise at work or
impressing our friends in some fashion or another.
It is so easy to not realize that the things of
greatest value in life are intangible.
I think of harsh words I have spoken in the heat of the moment.
What good did they accomplish? Did those words spoken in haste
improve the situation? Did I learn anything from it? As
I mull over these questions I realize that it is now
that I am learning from that situation. Perhaps in the
future instead of letting my anger speak, I can remember
this moment and let it voice a constructive opinion.
I recall times when I pushed away my own pain
so that I might lend my shoulder to another.
Again, it’s now that I benefit from my past actions.
I gain strength and self-confidence from such instances.
I stand up, preparing to leave. I take one last look around,
soaking up the ambiance of dawn. As I walk away from the stream
I tuck away this moment in time. I’ll need it as the day goes on....
Monday 11/9
I usually have my breakfast somewhere near the site,
or sometimes at Pantai Dalam. But today since I was out
a bit early (6-50 am) I decided to have something to eat
before joining the madding crowds on the highway.
So, off I went to Section 6, the shops that sell newspapers
were still closed, so I walked to Seven Eleven only to find
a back in 10 minutes sign on the door.
I then
drove to Section 3, the same bloody thing, the only newsagent there
was still half-opened. The delivery van will be here any moment now, answered the guy. You see, it's really my habit to read a newspaper (The Star or The Sun, but not The New Straits Times, because of its size I guess)
while having breakfast. I then drove to Section 2 because there are many shops there, the same
thing - and I ended up driving to KL empty-stomached.
Shah Alam doesn't like me anymore......
This afternoon, while climbing (yeah, climbing, because the Block is still under construction and the only passenger hoist was out of order)
Level 16 (Block B) to have a look at fire-fighting works I found myself thinking a myriad of
thoughts in my head.
They were all a'tumble -- none too
clear but all candidly interesting -- and I kept wishing
that I had a little mini tape recorder I could somehow hot-wire
into my brain and program to pick up all these random gems
of thought and emotion. Some were truly amusing, some were philosophical, and yet others were heady with
wistful emotion ...
It's truly interesting how life's many little trials
can greatly affect the way you think and feel.
So I thought and fought and made aimless wishes in my head all
within this good half an hour of climbing, but I couldn't tell
you a single thing I pondered about, save the wish for
a recording device and brain-to-mic hook-up. Someone very
wise and wistful wrote to me the other day and said practically the
same thing I had been thinking -- that if we all had a tape
recorder in our heads, we would all easily have albums worth of
music and volumes of prose and poetry just oozing about, waiting
to be released into the greater world outside.
But I wonder, who
can truly appreciate our thoughts besides ourselves? Music is pure
at the very first, but eventually it gets beaten out in arrangements
and recording and industry restrictions until it's just a ghost of
what it once was.
Conversely, creative writing is pure in its
initial form, but after proof-reading and editing and repackaging
it's no longer what it once was; no longer an extension of the
inner sanctum, or a release of sub-conscious thought and feeling.
So why bother, right?
I've been asked a few times of late just why it is that I
write my journal. The answer is simple to me. I write because I
have to write. I write because I want to write. If all I had left to write on was the bottom
of my shoe, then I would write on the bottom of my shoe.
It's just that simple. And it's the same with music.
If all I had left was a notebook and the notes in my head
to work with, then I'd arrange my stuff in hums and
table-top drum beats ... It's about passion --
undying passion that will not be stifled no matter what.
And if you can claim that amount of passion about anything,
then you're obviously tuned in to what your mind and heart is
telling you to do ...
So pump up the volume on that inner tape-deck, kids.
You never do know what you're bound to hear next ...
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Sender IP:*deleted*
Subject:From Your Web Page
1. What a wonderful story! Wish my life was half as interesting. Peace. - Jay
2. You sound like a great person!!!
I can't wait to read more....*smile*...Bye.
Great is too great a word, you are talking about something else obviously.
3. assalamualaikum,
oh, i didn''t know icq got this limit on the message sent. anyway, i will not feel guilty for making you feel guilty.. hehe..
and it''s you whose wedding day is next year, not mine..
and, thank you for that advise.. thank you very much..
and, how to send my ''kad jemputan'' if i don''t have your address?
Ohhhh....biar betul! I was just kidding, nak jemput tu apa salahnya, thru' email pun bolehkan? This gonna be interesting, you inviting a stranger to your wedding. Oh....just don't tell me your name is Rohaya, or someone I know.....
Tuesday 12/9
I went to sleep at 11-45 pm last night (during trading hours)
and woke up at 4-30 am. Yeah, I spent my night at the
office again. Too tired to drive home. Besides,
I can save at least 30 minutes each day. Now, every minute counts.
Infact I've been doing a few things at once lately,
shaving while driving for example. Working while sleeping (or is it sleeping while working?) is
another...heh...
Reached the site well before eight, usually I'll just
have my breakfast and read The Star until 9-am,
then go to the office. But now (well, since yesterday)
I take the opportunity to be online, I don't know what's
wrong with me but I feel good as soon as I log on to the internet.
Received a mail from cari.
com.my inviting me to be the judge for Cari Top 5, September
2000. I received similar invitations a few months ago, just because
I am a member of Cari, well, not really a member but my homepage
is listed there. So I checked the list of nominees, about 20
alltogether I think. Then I saw
Kroni Cik Kiah and Had
Been Interrupted as 2 of the nominees, so I voted for
them without even checking other websites...heh...it's easy to be a Judge, right? Aku rasa jadi macam Judge Ausgustine Paul pulak....heh...
Well, actually that was my way of saying thanks to them
because they have my journal linked to their pages but I don't
have theirs on mine. I have Mat Jan's
(he's part of that Kroni Cik Kiah)
on a few of my pages but not on the main journal page. Anyway, good luck to both of them.
We had 2 meetings today, the fornightly Site Meeting at 9-30 am and M&E (Mechanical & Electrical) Meeting at 2-30 pm. I'm slowly taking over M&E works now, hope they will appoint a new C-o-W as fast as possible, I have other things to do, dammit!
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Sender IP: 161.142.112.8
Subject: From Your Web Page
assalamualaikum,
no, my name is not rohaya.. :)
anyway, there''s nothing wrong in inviting a stranger to your wedding, is it? but lemme scan the wedding invitation first..
see ya later, alligator..
Waalaikumsalam, Thank God! And there's nothing wrong pergi a stranger's wedding, kan? Hmmm...hadiah apalah nak beli ni?....
My fav pantun:
Duduk di pintu merenung bulan
Hujan tak jadi, awan melindung
Kalau begitu nasibmu puan/tuan
Bertuahlah perut siibu mengandung
hmmm...after awhile crocodile...heh...
--------------------
Sender IP: 202.188.111.118
Subject: From Your Web Page
Assalamualaikum Nal,
Hmmm .. Rohaya tak kawin lagi? I thougt
she''s married ..itu pasal le awak frust semacam. So ..kira dia ''reject'' awak le? (Sorry to use the term ..tak tahu term apa yg best describe it). Seingat kita (tak ingat enry bulan berapa).. awak kata dah tak nak mention her name.
Tup tup tup .. tiba2 minggu ni ada lagi insan bernama Rohaya tu .. what a special indeed in ...kita lagi
Waalaikumsalam, eh, sapa pulak kita lagi nih? Panggil aku Nal pulak...orang rapat dengan aku jer yang panggil aku Nal...sapa hah? me,myself & i ker?, apasal IP numbers tu lain sangat? lagipun this visitor doesn't really sound like her....sapa ni hah? DrH ker?...oh tidakkkk....siapakah gerangan tuan hamba? (isshhh...aku ni cepat betul paranoid...)
Lantaklah, sapa-sapa pun....macam ni, saya tak tahu pasal Rohaya dia, dia dah kahwin ke belum, entah....lagi satu, saya bukan direject sebab saya tak pernah hantar application pun. Yer ker saya ada kata tak nak cakap pasal Rohaya dia dah? Tak apalah....itu Rohaya orang lain kot? Ramai orang yang sama nama....
Frust semacam? Tak sedap jer bunyinya tuh...Taklah, tak frust pun, langsung tak frust, tak menonggeng pun (ada sapa-sapa nampak aku menonggeng? jawab,jangan tak jawab! ada sesapa nampak? takkanlah kutu pun nak frust kot?, kutu mana boleh frust, nak frust pasal pompuan pulak tu? buat lawak lainlah ko ni.... hah, aku nak marahlah ni)
Oklah, aku tak nak makan kat Alas Cafe lagi dah, masakan dia pun bukannya sedap. Aku tak nak pandang Bank Pertanian lagi dah, bangunan tu buruk, aku taknak cerita pasal Rohaya dia lagidah, dia....
Ha, dah terpanjang aku tulis ni.....
Wednesday 13/9
I stepped in wet cement, and apologized to the plasterer.
On learning she hadn't been responsible for the concrete, I said,
--well, I think I'll just go away before
anyone notices.
She said, kok kerani enggak jalan atas
peliut (you should have walked on the plywood plank)
Peliut?...heh...what a cute little word...peliut.
--------------------
I'm such a lazy bonker, this is like my 4th time logging on to the net
today and it's only 2-50 pm. I guess I'm a bit bored,
besides, it's too hot to go for another inspection.
---------------------
Sender IP:*deleted*
Subject:From Your Web Page
1. assalamuaalaikum
hi there..just like to say hi..since selalunyer i tgk ur icq offline..now it''s online.. nice meeting ya!- mazuen
Waalaikumsalam, I'm online from 9-00 pm(sometimes earlier, as early as 6-00 pm)
to 2-00 am weekdays, or during New York trading hours.
Nice meeting ya too.
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2. Yang korik itu kendi
Yang merah itu saga
Yang cantik itu budi
Yang indah itu bahasa
...bukang aku. - 11
Bukang mu, mu pong bukang dia, mu sajer nok bagi
aku copiuh tu, aku tauuu, mu ingat aku boddo?.....
Haa....aku tau doh mu saper....mu lah hok
dok mari hari-hari tu hok paka glg.cache.jaring.my,
mu selalu mari puko lapang lebih orrkk? bakpernyer mu mari sini sokmo? Mu tak dok keje lain ke? Mu
puang ke jatang? Aku raser mu puang. Dok aper lah, buat panda mu lah....
------------------
3. assalamualaikum,
yep, there''s nothing wrong in going to a stranger''s wedding either..
anyway, "kita lagi" is NOT me, u can see that from the IP add..
your fav pantun.. hehe.. if i''m not mistaken that was the one you saw engraved (or something) on one of the doors of a building (a museum?).. when you went to Malacca during the Deepavali''s hols right, with Kumar(?)?
hmm.. wh
Right, pantun tu I terbaca masa kat museum di Melaka....ishhhh....mana dia orang ta aku pergi Melaka nih ha?....heh...
Hmmm....takkan tak siap scan lagi kot? Nak tanya malu dah ni, arrgghhh......
....to be continued later tonight, InsyaAllah....see you later, Terminator....
Thursday 14/9
Ooppsss I, did it again.....well, that was
Britney Spears....heh..
Yesterday evening before leaving for Subang Jaya office,
I bought 3 ekor ayam
panggang (roasted chicken) and on reaching the office I handed them over to Kak Zainap because I had to dash to Shah Alam to sign some documents
pertaining to the Class B Construction company in which
I'm the sleeping partner.
Ah Yong (the other partner) called me yesterday asking
me to have the document signed.
We are tendering for a few projects and the Dato' we will be lobbying wants to
have a Bumiputra name on the tender documents.
That was what he said. *Beep* I bloody hate
this bumi-non-bumi issue. I'm not at all proud
to be a bumi.Anyway, I don't want to get too
involved. Typical Malay/Bumi entrepreneur? No. I don't want to get too
involved at this stage, perhaps later when/if
we get the project then I will have my say.
Waited
for him at Delapan Cafe but En Ngah's office was closed
and he was nowhere to be seen. Decided to have a cup of tea at Khalifah Restaurant, Section 3 before speeding off to Subang Jaya office.
Bob did not turn up so we had to postpone our meeting, the rest of the night was spent chatting/joking....and enjoying the foods. Coffee prices surged towards closing for the third consecutive times, left us a bit disappointed. Spent the night at the office again.........
Woke up at 5-00 am and after checking some market reviews I drove home, stopped for Subuh at the state mosque.
Sebab aku baru bangun tidur,
aku kenalah basuh/bersihkan my whole body instead of terus
buat ablution. So aku pergi ke cubicle tempat mandi
and after cleaning myself etc aku ternampak dalam another
cubicle yang tak berpintu, sehelai jeans yang kotor sangat,
mula tu aku ingat kain buruk, tapi bila aku tengok betul-betul,
rupanya jeans. Dalam hati aku kata ini sure kes curi nih,
biasalah, lepas ambik duit dia orang humban jer jeans
tu merata-rata.
Aku ambik jeans tu, seluk semua pockets,
pocket belakang ada pay slip , pocket depan ada duit dua
tiga puluh ringgit. Bodoh punya pencuri, aku kata dalam hati.
Apasal tak curi semua? Kalau pun baik hati tak nak curi semua,
pencuri lain akan curi sebab jeans tu bersepah kat situ.
Aku fikir jugak, nak ambik jeans tu lepas tu bagi pada
security guard ke atau biar jer kat situ. Aku tengok keliling,
tak ada orang pun, at last I decided nak kasi pada guard dahlah,
let him handle the thing. So I put the jeans on the bench sebelah plastic bag aku yang ada
toiletteries tuh. Aku wudhuk.
Tiba-tiba masa aku nak naik sembahyang ada orang tanya aku,
errr...ada nampak tak seluar jeans dekat bilik mandi? seluar
saya hilang.... Ini ker?, aku tanya mamat tu sambil
pegang jeans.Ha ah, itu jeans saya, tadi
saya mandi.... Lah, saya ingat ada orang tertinggal jeans
ni, saya cadang nak bagi pada security guard, saya mintak maaf,
saya tak perasan ada orang mandi, lain kali jangan taruk merata-rata, bahaya..., aku pulang balik dia
punya jeans. Kesian mamat tu, aku tengok dia macam panik saja,
dia guna baju jer menutup dia punya errr...dia tak ada towel.
Anyway, aku taklah rasa guilty sebab memang niat aku baik,
lagipun ada dua tiga puluh ringgit jer, kalau ada wallet
yang berisi a few thousand, lepas tu ada a few gold credit cards
ker, mungkin lain pulak ceritanya......
again.....later tonight perhaps.....see you later, carburator!
-----------------------------
Have you known the feeling when something happens,
which triggers a little
part of you, brings to the surface something your mind has pushed under
because you didn't like the feel of it?
It's like being stabbed through the back and suddenly your there, but no-one
can see the blood!
The shock is so overbearing that there's no way to scream.
This is just too
big to possibly explain if someone asks "what's wrong?".
And too impossible
to comprehend inside their pre-occupied minds.
So what do I do? I keep quiet, very quiet. Avoiding conversation
altogether, closing down into a painfully narrow head-space.
Why doe's this happen? Is there another way?
It feels like there's no escape, at least in the short-term. But then it
can also become hard to go back on past actions.
I feel trapped, but every now and then I catch a glimpse of light. This
light is so much brighter than most 'stable
' people seem capable of
perceiving.
I need to move in the lighter direction, to be consumed by it,
but why does
so much within myself prevent me??
I don't know what to do.
This life is being wasted.
Is my soul dying?
...and you, yes, you...will you pay me to smile?...
esoklah aku postkan new ICQ messages, ngantuk ni...
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