Akudia : Life Of A Typical Malay - Sept 2000
Friday 1/9
The site was a bit quiet this morning so I went to Bangsar again
(shhh....don't tell anyone, ok?). Well,
ok, I went there for a cup of tea to buy stuff for the office, like...errr....
well, nevermind...heh... You can find good stuff only in Bangsar.
Someone told me that.
On the way back to the office, I took a wrong turn and ended up at MegaMall,
MidValley City. Oh c'mon!....don't look at me like that, I didn't do it on purpose!
I lost my way and ended up at MegaMall !
Spent about 2 hours 20 minutes there, no,
I did not go to MPH Bookstore to surf the 'net. No, I did not even browse
commodity trading books, or look for .net
magazines. ( By the way, why on earth do they stack all those futures/stock
trading books on the top shelves? There are people trading futures/stocks here
in Malaysia, for god sake! ) I didn't do all that, I just spent 2
hours...errr....I mean 20 minutes there, remember?
I always have this problem of remembering where I park my car,
especially at huge parking lots like the ones at the mall. I was like
a fool (well, maybe I was) this morning, going from one level to another,
one zone to another trying very hard to locate my car.
I was a fool for about 15 minutes. No, I wasn't, the carparks were
designed to confuse people I think.
------------------------------------
Location: SS 15 Subang Jaya Office
Time: 6-30 pm
......................it's quiet in here -
i'm alone at the office now -
other traders will be coming at 8-00 pm earliest - i've just checked london liffe
performance - what a big yawn - i expect new york csce to be quiet too -
monday's a public holiday in the us - exchanges will be closed for that day -
so, while waiting for other traders to arrive - (no, i'm too sleepy to take a quick nap) -
i think i'll write something - just something - something in my head - and it goes something
like this:
...................
Once again, I have that oh-so-familiar feeling of not knowing
what the hell I am doing with my life. I get so disappointed
in myself because I firmly believe we create our own realities,
yet I have ceased to create much of anything lately.
The reality I am creating lacks creativity.
Too much free time ? Which is odd, because for the last 2 months I
haven't had a moment to myself. And now here I am on the precipice of
another season of activity, with some really great things going on, but
all this shit that's been building up inside of me for the past few months
are finally making themselves known.
They are bubbling to the surface
at the oddest times.
I whine most of the time without being able to identify the cause. It could be
so many things, and yet I can't quite pin it down.
I have blown up at people several times lately, and why is that? There
are some opportunities for me to grow, and they stem from the same thing
I said I needed to take care of this year...and thought I was doing a
pretty good job. I have always been intense and I have always taken
myself way too seriously. But if I don't, who will? With some of my
new friends / colleagues I think I'm getting
a little lighter (is that what you use to light little cigarrettes? ...heh..),
but I still have this reaction to people who condescend (sp?) to me.
I've been working a lot and then also having to work a lot. Meaning
I've been doing the work (business) I love (trading) and still having to endure the
horrors of the work I loathe do not quite enjoy (construction).
It was almost more than I could
handle the other night, after trading (and feeling like a
working actor) to have to go and be a freaking Engineer at the site .
I alternate between thinking I
can sacrifice comfort indefinitely to pursue my dreams, and thinking
now where did I put that gun? I'm pulled in different directions.
There is a part of me that just wants to chuck it all and tour the
world again, working when I need to to support my travels. There is another
part of me that longs to settle down, have a family. Still another part of
me that wants to throw caution to the wind and move to Scotland and become
a high roller (of course I'd need capital for this, but it's a good
fantasy.) And yet in my heart of hearts, I know the only times in my
life when I have felt at peace are those beautiful (often painful) moments trading when
I am on my game, it's a lonely game but it's better than any drug. Because it's real and it's
joyous.
But I'm sitting here typing this and I need to eat. I'd rather sit here and type than anything else right now, until
I can figure out what in the hell is pulling me in all these
directions. What in the world is making me weep and rage?
----------------------------
Sender IP:*deleted*
Subject:From Your Web Page
assalamualaikum..
mayban finance''s homepage is actually at http://www.mayfin.com.my/.. i don''t know ''bout this mayban-finance.com thing, but i *think* this guy is desperate to hack someone''s homepage.. ! - me,myself & i
-----------------------
Saturday 2/9
Last night was a painfully fun (nice oxymoron eh?) night,
I went long (bought a contract) coffee about 10 minutes after
market opening. I had a few reasons why I
decided to "fight the market"
and go against the trend of this never-ending bear market.
London LIFFE was trading higher by 30 dollars at that time,
agreement by 5 Centam countries (Central America) to
retain coffee, bullish technical indicators and a few other factors.
The only new
bearsih signal (excluding the ever famous mama bear factor -
mounting coffee stocks)
was continous rain in coffee growing region,
especially in Minais Gerais (largest Arabica area in Brazil)
and Parana states until at least 9/9/2000. Harvesting
for 2000-2001 crop has now reached 85 % but flowering has
already started in Franca and Esperinto
Santos. Flowering needs continous rain but this year
it comes a bit too early, continous rain in late August
and early September is seen as a
relief factor since moisture content has become
a problem since April due to drier-than-normal winter season.
But too much of rainfall may cause
premature ejaculation....ooppsss....flowering.
Coffee has now become weather market so much so
we have to keep track of "cloud movements" about a week
in advance. Arrgghhh....this coffee market makes me want
to scream sometimes - but I enjoy it nontheless.
It keeps me in suspender suspence all the time.
Ok, so I was long coffee at 80.75, Kak Siti followed suit but
she got a slightly better price (80.40) when it came down for a retracement.
The first 15 minutes saw me sitting
there nervously, then
the price started to climb. Every time the price dipped
I would say oh noooooo!!!! and each
time it went up I yelled oh
yesssss!!!!. So it was oh yesssss,
oh nooooo, oh tidakkkk..... all the way until 12 midnight.
I nearly peed in my pants when the price dropped by
1 point and was ready to bail out. Zainal,
if you need to go to the gents, do it right here, now!,
Bob said that jokingly. Much to our relief,
the price went up again and we were like, yes
baby, up some more baby. We managed to get out with some
profits when the price touched resistance level and did
not go beyond. Kak Siti went out first and
I waited a little longer but the tension was just
unbearably painful I liquidated my position with
a slightly bigger profits. Alhamdulillah.
-----------
David, the Mechanical & Electrical C.o.W
(Clerk of Work / Supervisor) is leaving for a better
offer in 2 weeks. He's not quite happy working at this project site, according to him, the Contractors are far too stubborn. Now, who on earth will be taking his place?
Blew my top this afternoon, the Contractors wanted to do
concreting works to Level 16 (Block B) but the works were not
ready as at 12 noon. We were asked to stay back for inspection,
David objected but I cooled him down.
While waiting
for the Contractors to finish their jobs, I drove to Lembah
Pantai for lunch at Ali Tom Yam,
I then went to one cyber cafe near Restoran Samarkhand and was online for about 30 minutes. On the way back to
the site I bought The Malay Mail and The Sun and spent the
evening reading 4 newspapers (plus The Star and The New Straits Times)
back to back. Tak ada pulak cerita rogol,
kalau tidak tu lama jugak aku baca paper.
Later: 10-30 pm:
Site inspection did not finish until 6-30 pm, by this time
I was already exhausted. Looks like I will have to be at the
site again tomorrow for concreting works, heck, why are these
people like to spoil my weekend? And why do I have to work so
hard? This is not my dad's company!
I have too many words floating around, trapped in my head.
They are all vying for attention and try as I might,
I can't seem to choose the ones that could really
express or convey anything of relevance. Time for relaxing I guess. What a way to spend my Saturday night, sitting here infront of my pc because I'm too tired to go out, even to have my dinner. Ahhh....I'll be ok in the morning.....
---------------------
Sender IP:*deleted*
Subject:From Your Web Page
Salamz:
Saya nak tanya sikit ni, dah tanya En Mat Jan dah semalam.
Kamu berdua ni kawan baik ke? macam dah kenal lama jer.
macam satu kepala saja, dua-dua tinggal di Shah Alam,
dua-dua cakap French, dua-dua cakap lantang dan
melintangpukangkan bahasa. Kamu berdua ni "serupa tapi tak
sama" kot? terima kasih sebab mengadakan diari ni, saya baca hari-hari. saya suka.
------
Strange question....kitaorang tak serupa tapi tak sama...heh...lagi satu, saya tak melintangpukangkan bahasa, cuma bahasa saya yang a bit lintang pukang....
--------------------
Sunday 3/9
Everyone (the Contractors) were surprised to see me this morning,
including Kamal,
my C.o.W for Block B. Maybe they were feeling sorry for me
for (because of them) having to work on a Sunday.
Aiyoooo Jaina, you datang Sunday,
mah?
Ya lah, you ingat saya sapa? Ma ci**i,
because of you guys I have to cancel my plan of going to
Johor today.
(See, he doesn't even know how to pronounce
my name, what a typical Chinese! And no, I did not plan of going anywhere)
Ya kar? Your boss must be
very proud of you then.
No lah. I'm here because of
you guys. My boss doesn't have to know that, he's
busy doing other things. He wants this project to be completed
on time, that's all.
I made a brief inspection at 10-30 am and gave an instruction to
proceed with concreting works.
At about 12 noon I left the site for KL. Took the commuter train from Angkasapuri station. Walked to Masjid Jamek for Zohor, then to Citibank, Jalan Ampang. Then to Central Market and had lunch at Gin ger Restaurant. It's not ginger but Gin ger. Had pineapple fried rice with prawn salad. Not too bad. I then walked to Kotaraya and spent about 30 minutes browsing some computer magazines.
To Central Market again and bought a movie
ticket for 4-30 pm show. I went in at 4-35 pm because
I had to rush for Asar first, so I missed 5 minutes of the show.
Oh yeah, I saw Leftenan Adnan Hollow Man,
hahaha.....aku taklah buang tebiat sampai
nak pergi tengok filem Leftenan Adnan...
I always like Kevin Bacon, I mean, I like his acting. I've been
following him since his Footloose days.
He's been one of my favorite actors, the other being Harrison Ford.
Reached the site at 6-45 pm, concreting works was still in progress, said my Maghrib and left for Subang Jaya at 8-15 pm. I managed to catch the weekly ceramah (religious talk) at Subang Jaya Mosque, cerita pasal kunci kebaikan dan kejahatan. Apa yang aku ingat, Imam tu bagi beberapa contoh kunci-kunci ke syurga dan ke neraka, aku sempat salin:
1. Kunci ke syurga - La-ila-ha-il-lallah
2. Kunci sembahyang - kebersihan
3. Kunci haji - ihram
4. Kunci kebaikan - jujur
5. Kunci ilmu - pengetahuan dan serious
6. Kunci menambah nikmat - syukur
7. Kunci kewalian - zikir
8. Kunci menghilang kebuntuan - taqwa
9. Kunci petunjuk & hidayat - cinta & takut pada Allah
10.Kunci akhirat - zuhud di dunia
11.Kunci kehidupan hati - baca Quran
12.Kunci kemuliaan - taat pada Allah
13.Kunci persiapan untuk akhirat - pendek angan-angan (bukan cita-cita tapi angan-angan)
1. Kunci ke neraka - syirik
2. Kunci segala dosa - arak
3. Kunci kesesatan - zina
4. Kunci kemunafikan - bercakap bohong
5. Kunci orang penakut/kedekut - bakhil
6. Kunci segala keburukan dunia - cintakan dunia.
--------------
Went to SS 15 night market but ended up buying Kentucky fried
chicken for dinner. (* just don't want to be branded as a typical
malay guy because I already had rice this afternoon...heh..)
It's 10-30 pm now but I'm already feeling sleepy and for a change I'm not going to whine tonight....I'm off to surf some sites....good night!
Monday 4/9
10-30 pm: Shah Alam
We are not trading tonight, New York Exchanges are closed for Labor Day Holiday.
And I don't bother to check London LIFFE, or even Sao Paolo's coffee market.
I have lots of paperworks to do but I have to answer
some of ICQ messages (or maybe all) I received today. Blimey! For a moment I thought
my ICQ panel was gonna crash.
I got more than 10 messages today,
that's quite a record, kembang bontot batang hidung aku
kejap...heh..
1. salam, after reading your new entry pasal ejacu*****n tu aku teringat pasal
another of your entries yang buat aku terus tak henti2 datang melawat page ko ni.
entry bulan feb 2000 if i'm not wrong, memang, that was the most stupid question
i ever heard, sebagai seorang lelaki. anyway, keep rocking and i wish you well. -
mat belon
thanks, baik ko yek? nak eja e-j-a-c-u-l-a-t-i-o-n pun ko
tak berani. aku selamba jer, font besar pulak tu. bold lagi. yeah, right, that was the most
stupid question (sebagai seorang lelaki)
I ever asked someone but you can't blame me can ya? masa tu
aku terkedu dengar cerita dia.
2.
Hi, you into Bryan Adams hah? I like him too, his songs I mean. And I like you too,
your journal I mean...heh...(hope you don't mind me borrowing you "heh"...*smile*) - Tantee JB
Yeah, he's one of my all-time favorite singers, been a fan since Heaven,
Run To You, Summer Of 69 etc. Been to 6 of his concerts, that was during my student days.
Don't mind seeing him again though...heh..
3.
You ni siapa dia? Are you real? Too bad if you are not, I enjoy your writings very much.
I'm Zainal, Zainal Abidin Aziz, aku and dia, hence akudia. I'm
as real as that Hollow Man.
4.Why don't you write a book or something? I'll be the first person to buy it.
Good grief! I'm not a writer! I'm writing this journal for myself Tough
luck anyway,
you have to fight with a few others...heh...
5.Assalamualaikum, enjoy reading your ramblings and stuff,
been coming here for weeks now, satu saja, you seem "too obsessed/ too occupied" with
yourself, that will do you no good. Try to write something other than "about you and your
life" because I see the writer in you. If you decide not to then I can't say a thing, after all this is your diary. (Sal PJ)
Waalaikumsalam, (*trying hard not to be too emotional here*...heh..)
this is my personal diary my dear, I don't want this part of me to be tainted with sentences
like UMNO confident of capturing Kelantan and Trengganu in the next election", Another
Malaysian does us proud by deejaying non-stop for 42 hours blah blah blah" because
those are all lies, nothing but lies. I don't even want to mention the word UMNO in
here, nak termuntah aku!
...oh, don't get me started...heh...
So, don't touch that dial,
like it or not, this journal is all about me and my pathetic little life,
it's about me and my over-blown ego. Period.
6.Assalamualaikum Zainal, I rasa you ni a bit too emotional lah - Princess Dablo
Waalaikumsalam, I rasa orang lain pun emotional jugak tapi diaorang tak ada online
journal, kalau ada tuh, hrmmm....Melayu kaaaaaaannnnn.....?
7.Hahahahaha....lawaklah ko nih.
Apa yang lawak sangat tu? Tension gak aku nih...
--------------------
8.Zainal, saya baru melawat homepage Mat Jan, ramai jugakk yang mentioned nama you
dalam respon page dia so I datang sini nak tengok apa ker benda nya, patutlah,
you ni riot jugak. Ok, bye for now (*email deleted*)
9.Man, your journal is far too heavy for a girl like me to understand.
Seriously, those under 20 are not welcomed here. Sorry if you are one of them.
10.Hi, I just read some of your entries, thanks for making me laugh,
no thanks for making me cry. I wish you all the best.
11.Kau ni tak ada kerja ker, asyik dok tulis dalam diary ni jer,
membebel pulak tu - hidup UMNO! yoohooo!!!!
Aku ada 2 kerja, pagi petang siang malam - aku boleh membebel kat sini pun macam satu
achievement jugak, terrer aku bagi masa kan? Kalau kau tengok aku kerja kan,
sure kau respect gila punya...heh..
12.Ramai ker orang macam you ni kat dunia ni?
Ramai. Errr....orang macam mana tu?
13.Aku terjerumus kat sini cara kebetulan, aku tak berapa
faham konsep homepage kau ni tapi lama jugak aku melepak kat sini, rasa syok lak tu.
Kalau kau tak faham, kau surf aku punya main page dah lah (A Different Corner tu), journal ni just
a part of that page. You are not alone though, there are many others who don't understand the concept of this page....
14.Hi there Zainal, I'm a bit curious, do you keep track of visitors to this site? I don't see any stastistic counters on this page. Keep writing your thoughts , keep pouring your griefs - just don't bang your head agains the walls....Bye (Chev)
I do keep track of visitors to this site, I have 2 different invisible counters,
one is located on the left and the other is on the current page because
some are trying to be smart by entering thru'
the back door. The counters only count unique hits though.
15.assalamualaikum..
just want to say hello.. missed reading your journal last Saturday and Sunday.. me,myself & i
waalaikumsalam, there will be no entry tomorrow, seriously....I'll be a wee bit busy this week with meetings etc....
16.
Assalamualaikum.....
guess you have heard about what happened. Our car collided. Totally
damaged dan terus tak boleh dibaiki. Nal... I really need your favour.
De perlu duit untuk beli kenderaan baru and I have no other source.
Kalau De tak dapat duit dari Nal De tak taulah dari mana lagi nak cari
modal. I know I might cause you some problems, but I have no other
alternative.
Houston, we have a problem!.....(by the way she's my sister...)
Tuesday 5/9
Subject:From Your Web Page
assalamualaikum..
when you mentioned "some are trying to be smart by entering thru'' the back door", terasa plak.. hehe.. anyway, no entry today? serious? alaa.. i know how smart you are in managing your time.. i know somehow you''ll find the time to write your entry.. (bodek skett.. )
i''ll be waiting for today''s entry.. ;) - me,myself & i
hmmm....apasallah aku ni lemah sangat dengan bodekan pompuan?....i tak rela, you!....awwww!!!!!
-----------------
Damn,
I know I'm not
the only one who feels like this, that I'm not completly alone
by knowing
that something is very wrong with my life.
Well, I feel alone again. Or, rather I feel again that I am
alone and that
I probably always was and that I am unable to make any sort
of connection
beyond the smalltalk-level and that the only persons who
I thought this
was possible with now don't give a shit about me and simply
ignore me.
Sure, if I ask for it, they talk to me, just distant enough
not to get
involved into an uncormfortable conversation, just nice enough not
to hurt
me, as if they wouldn't already have done by excluding me from
their lives.
No, I don't wanna be everybody's angel, no
I don't wanna hear any more compliments about me, which suit
more some
ideal person I wanna be than myself. I just wanna get out of this *beep*
frustration.
I waste most of my life by thinking what I have done wrong
and how great
it would be if somebody just came up to me and tried to get
somewhere,
instead of coming up to people themselves and start just something.
Well, I kinda tried that, but even then, I often only hear that I'm a
pain in the ass. At least, that's what I can hear between the lines.
Well, yeah, I'm doing great at work, but that's just
because I use it as some way to cover up my pathetic
personal life or
the lack thereof. But, suddenly, when the work is done, I feel
like I fall
into some sort of hole. It's not that I'm bored, it's that
I want to interact
with other people. but I can't, cause I'm too much of a social
loser to do so.
I don't fit in here. I don't fit in there. I don't fit in anywhere.
*Beep*
I'm feeling that if I don't get a grip on my life soon,
I'll be lonely for
the rest of my life and that I'll spend most of my future time
torturing
myself. Damn, why the heck am I so *beep* dependant on other
people and
why doesn't anybody give a stinking shit about me ? What the heck
is wrong with me you them... ???
---------------------------------------
note: early thursday morning
but my wednesday doesn't end yet, i'm busy, it's now 2 in the morning, i've just finished trading and now taking a break for a few minutes. i have a report to do for tomorrow's meeting and looks like i'll be staying up all night.
tension giler...................Ya Allah, permudahkanlah urusan-urusan dunia aku Ya Allah
i'll InsyaAllah update this tomorrow night.......
I want someone of my kind to talk to right now. I want
someone who is firmly in this world that I inhabit to sit me down and hold
my hand and listen to me whine, and nod, and tell me that I make sense.
let me rant, basically, and give me hug and a kiss because they don't have
a stake in the outcome of my understanding. I have a knot in my stomach,
I have a knot in my chest, my mouth tastes awful. I am kind of stressed.
I want to sleep for hours, I am so tired and i have not been sleeping, of
course, because I'm in overdrive.
The concerned people who are trying to
make me understand that it's all ok try to get me to chill
the (beep) out,
to eat something, but you can't stop a masochist in full flight.
......to be continued....
one of these days...
...you
can't forcefeed a goose unless you want to end up with a
dead goose and
foie gras. Foie gras is ok, but for some reason
the person feeding me
thinks I'm like the goose with the golden eggs.
He knows if he cuts me
open, I'll just be red mush inside. I'm feeling scared.
I could cut
myself open if I wanted to. Most of the crap that happens in my
life, I
do to myself.
That's the sick thing.
It's like there's a self-destruct
button in each one of us, so many of us, and the people
who have figured
out how to cut the wires are so much more clever than I am.
I think they
do it through figuring out what they want, and how to get it.
They aren't
flailing. They don't care to flail. They know it is not fun.
Of
course I couldn't have had this break down at a better time,
you know?
why not set myself up to fail, really really well,
and with the maximum of
fuss, and bother, needless pain and suffering? It's so much easier that
way. You can *beep* yourself up, even if *everyone* around
you determinedly
wants you not to, and tries to get you to stop. I wonder why I
hate myself whine
so much? Why am I such an idiot? I even hate myself for hating
myself,
how completely anile is that?
I will make something good out of this,
iwillmakesomethinggoodoutofthisiwillmakemakemake....
-----------------------
Sender IP:*deleted*
Subject:From Your Web Page
1. assalamualaikum..
see, i told you.. there''s gonna be an entry (for yesterday)..
anyway, why all this whining about not getting attention from others? why be dependent on other people to make you happy? why give it a damn whether other people is concern about you or not, when they don''t give a damn about you..
oh, my gosh.. sorry, i don''t mean to "membebel".. ;)- me,myself&1
Waalaikumsalam, Membebel? Sometimes you sound like my mum...heh...eh, sapa ni hah?
2.
mm.. in this time ''round..mabbe u should try and listen to..emm..i''d suggest Savage Garden.."Crash" - ''If u need to crash then crash and burn.. u''re not alone '' .. :)
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